


Reconnect and Reboot

by Tahlruil



Series: Rebirth [3]
Category: Captain America (Movies), Captain America - All Media Types, Iron Man (Movies)
Genre: Alternate Universe - World War II, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Angst with a Happy Ending, Attempt at Humor, Canon-Typical Violence, Found Family, Gen, How Do I Tag, Letters, M/M, Multiverse, Multiverse Shenanigans, Pre-Serum Steve Rogers, Some Pre-Slash Relationships, Steve Becomes Captain America, Steve Rogers Feels, Team as Family, They All Like Each Other, dammit, not team Cap friendly, pining from afar
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-01-18
Updated: 2018-08-11
Packaged: 2019-03-06 06:18:26
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 16
Words: 104,730
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13405242
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Tahlruil/pseuds/Tahlruil
Summary: Steven Brian Rogers has gone back to his own world, determined to do his duty even if it costs him. STAR eases some of his loneliness and grief, but as he works toward his destiny he still misses Tony Stark more than anything. Along the way he makes some unexpected friends that become family and learns that being a hero isn't all it's cracked up to be.





	1. Prologue

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Arboreal](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Arboreal/gifts).



> Second installment is finally starting!
> 
> This fic is about half-written, and after this update one chapter will be posted every Wednesday come hell or high water.
> 
> Thanks for reading! <3

Steve wasn't an idiot - he knew there was a reason that Tony kept pushing him about enlisting. There was a reason he would sometimes start to tell a story then stop and redirect the conversation, looking vaguely guilty. There was more than one reason why Tony didn't want to leave the tower at all and especially not together. Aside from asking Tony to back off about the first though, Steve had mostly let sleeping dogs lie. He didn't really _want_ to fight with his fella, and he was pretty damn sure they'd fight about whatever was going through Tony's head. So he'd bided his time, fully intending to get to the bottom of it all once his fella was a little less fragile, once they were a little stronger.

But then the perfect way to investigate was dropped into his lap, and he was too curious to let the opportunity pass him by.

"Hey Fri?"

"Yes Steve?" He knew he shouldn't do this, that it would be better to confront Tony and get it all out and work through it together. That would be the right thing, the smart thing to do. Tony had _asked_ Steve to come to him about things, and here he was all set to go behind his best guy's back. He was going to hell for doing it, but that wasn't enough to stop him. Not even when he knew Sara Rogers would tan his hide for it if she could.

"I just had a couple-a questions'n I don't wanna bug Tony. He's busy doin' things for Pepper’n I don't need her ta be comin' after me if he slacks on my account."

"It would be my pleasure to assist you in Boss' place, Steve. What do you have questions about?"

"Captain America," he said quietly, feeling a nervous flutter in his stomach and a load of guilt settle on his shoulders. "I wanna know 'bout Captain America'n... 'n all-a that. Tony don't like ta talk about it anyhow, and like I said - he's busy. So I thought--"

"Of course, Steve. You're right - Boss doesn't really like to talk about it. I'm happy to give you all the information you'll need." The complete lack of hesitation on FRIDAY's part didn't make him feel any better. Tony trusted him enough that his fella hadn't put limits on what Steve could ask of her or the boys. Tony would never think that Steve would go behind his back like this - Tony hadn't anticipated that Steve would betray that trust, and there was nothing sweet that came of knowledge gained from forbidden fruits.

It was just that he _had_ to know.

"As much as Boss would hate to admit it, Captain America was the beginning of it all, so I'll start there - I believe he is what you're most curious about anyway. Captain America was born Steven Grant Rogers on July 4, 1918 to Joseph and Sarah Rogers. His father was killed in action before his birth, and he lived with his mother through his childhood and adolescence. Despite being a sickly child, Steve was well-known in his neighborhood for picking fights and taking a stand against those he believed to be bullies..."

FRIDAY's talk ranged from the unbelievable tale of Steven Grant Rogers becoming Captain America to the even more amazing (to him, anyway) rise of Iron Man. Steve learned about the 'Incredible Hulk', found out that apparently Norse gods were _real_ in at least some sense (though he didn't really believe they were gods), and learned that not only was there life on other planets but that some of that life was actively hostile and wanted to destroy them.

 _'Our planet is... it's so fragile, so small,'_ Tony had told him, face pale, hands trembling and eyes haunted. _'We have to take care of it.'_

There had also been a thing called SHIELD, and a group of people that had been willing to try and 'nuke' part of New York City instead of trusting the newly formed 'Avengers' to save it. Natasha was a superhero too, and so was Rhodey - War Machine wasn't as amazing as Iron Man, but Steve didn't think anyone could be. There was another guy who used a bow which was more than a little weird, really, and then _Thor_ , which was insane, and they were supposed to be a team. Hadn't lasted too long, from what FRIDAY told him, but he could tell Tony was still pretty damned committed to the idea of it. Rogers was the leader, maybe, but Steve thought Tony as Iron Man might provide an awful lot of heart.

There was more information than Steve had thought there would be - too much to digest in just one sitting. He'd mostly listened while FRIDAY told him the stories, looking at the pictures she projected for him with wide eyes. Iron Man was _beautiful_ , and Steve wished like hell that Tony'd show him the suit in person... but that would lead to questions that Tony clearly wasn't ready to answer. Captain America was... okay, he guessed, even if Rogers had a clench to his jaw and a look in his eye that Steve didn't like much. He supposed that could just be his jealousy talking though, and tried not to think on it too much. He could also sort of see why Tony had been so convinced they were the same person - Rogers looked like Steve might have if he hadn't been born so sickly. The rest of the 'Avengers' were kind of amazing... and for a while, as FRIDAY talked about them, Steve wondered what the hell could have happened to break them apart.

Learning about Ultron, and how easily all the 'Avengers' had turned on Tony, made him cry just a little bit. He knew Tony didn't really want to be done with the superhero game. He knew that his fella cared about them all, maybe even that Wanda girl who also seemed to scare the shit outta him. Tony kept them clothed and fed, gave them shelter in a compound up north where they could train and live in peace when they weren't out fighting. Tony had started building them things too, and Steve was pretty sure that if they needed anything, anything at all, Tony would be there in a heartbeat offering up his very soul if that was what they wanted. Tony would do anything, give _everything_... and they'd left his fella crying on a ruined floor all alone.

Steve decided then that he didn't much like most of the Avengers. Rhodey was good people, he'd seen that, and he'd seen how decisively Tony had shut the man out. Rhodey hadn't stayed away because he wanted to - he'd stayed away because he had no choice. Natasha seemed alright, he guessed, even if he didn't really trust her to have Tony's best interests at heart. Everyone else was on his shit list, and he _hated_ knowing how much Tony would give up for them. Tony would break himself into tiny pieces for them, and he wouldn't even think twice about doing it.

He also hated that Fri's revelations had made one thing very clear to him - Captain America was an important part of history. The world needed the 'First Superhero'... and that was supposed to be him. If Captain America hadn't been around, things would have been worse. A lot worse. And maybe he wasn't from the exact same world or universe or whatever, but he still felt the knowledge that Steve Rogers was supposed to be Captain America settle in his bones. He felt the responsibility weighing heavily on his shoulders, and he was sure that he was destined to return to his world and take up the mantle. He would have to leave Tony; he would have to go back.

Steve wished fiercely that he'd never let his curiosity get the better of him.

He wished he'd never learned about Captain America.

Steve wished he could stay.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Many, many thanks to my beta, KiernaSera for helping me catch a lot of my little mistakes and asking questions that helped me flesh out the world. <3 Any remaining mistakes are totes on me. XD
> 
> I have a [Tumblr](http://tahlreth.tumblr.com) where I mostly just don't tag things I reblog. You can always throw me prompts and such there - I especially welcome Tony/Happiness prompts from Marvel and Stiles/Happiness prompts from Teen Wolf. XD Tony and Stiles are my faves and I love them. <3
> 
> Anywho, thanks again for reading, and maybe leave a comment on your way out. :D


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Since the prologue was so short and went over events in the past, I figured I'd throw up the first chapter too. <3
> 
> Thanks for reading, maybe leave some comments? :D

The world came back slowly, in little bits and pieces. First it was sound - the low murmur of people, the clip-clop of horse’s hooves, the rumbling of a few automobiles as they drove by. It was _his_ city, Steve could tell that much almost immediately. It was the New York he'd grown up in, not the loud, flashy future Tony had shown him.

God, _Tony_.

Steve did his best to push the man from his thoughts as his senses continued to take in his surroundings. The smell of rotting garbage meant he was probably in an alley, and he could feel slick cobblestones under his hands. It had probably been raining a while ago, which meant it wasn't the same evening that he'd been jumped by those two punks that had busted his head and ribs. He was pretty sure the weight on his chest was STAR, and when he used his left hand to grope over the ground, he came in contact with the bag he’d packed and the case that U had so thoughtfully prepared for him.

He put off opening his eyes as long as he could - once he opened them, it would be real. He'd have really left Tony and probably wouldn't ever see him again. As soon as he opened his eyes, Steve would have to face a future that was devoid of the man he'd come to love. Unfortunately, the cold and his discomfort wouldn't let him lay there forever.

Eventually he _had_ to open his eyes, and when he did he couldn't keep himself from staring up into the sky. Steve wanted to cry, wanted to scream about how unfair it all was until the whole city knew the pain that had settled into his soul; he wanted to fall apart.

It was only the knowledge that Arnie would be worried for him that finally forced him to begin the process of getting to his feet. The first thing he did, of course, was to double-check that STAR was still with him. She was folded up into her compass mode, but Steve was sure he could feel a faint warmth seeping through his clothes, steadying him just a little. Carefully, reverently, he took her in hand. As much as he wanted to have her transform so she could speak to him, Steve resisted the urge. It wasn't safe there on the street. It would have to wait until he could get some form of privacy. He'd show her to Arnie, of course... assuming Arnie hadn't up and left him on account of thinking Steve was dead. It was a possibility, because he had no idea when he was.

He'd spent months with Tony, but there was no guarantee that the same amount of time had passed in his world. That fella Loki hadn't seemed too sure of how it had all worked either. So he needed to be careful, and he needed to do his best not to assume anything.

After he got to his feet, he scooped up U's briefcase and wondered if he'd ever be able to face opening it. Heaven only knew what the 'bot had put into it, and looking it all over would probably grind his shattered heart into fine grains of sand. Even if he never examined the contents though, Steve was going to hold onto it forever. Once he'd found Erskine and became Captain America, he'd bring it to Europe with him and make sure he never lost it. U's gift would see the end of Hydra, and when it was time to go into the ice he'd ask STAR how he could make sure it still existed when he woke up in the future.

Heart heavy and eyes stinging with unshed tears, Steve started for the entrance of the alleyway. STAR was tucked in his pocket, his right hand wrapped tightly around her - he hoped it wouldn't hurt her. He just was in desperate need of something to hold onto, and Tony wasn't... he wouldn't ever be there to anchor Steve again. It hurt, but he could live with it. He'd had to do this; he couldn't have lived with himself if he'd told Loki no. So this was okay, and he'd learn to live with Tony's ghost looming over the rest of his life. He'd lived with worse ailments, after all.

When he reached the street, Steve came to an abrupt stop to take everything in. People were still wearing their summer clothes, so unless he'd been gone a whole year he probably hadn't been away _too_ long. For Arnie's sake he hoped it hadn't been more than a day or two. He wouldn't find any answers hanging around like a creep and gawking, so after taking a deep breath Steve started down the path that would take him to the apartment.

Or where he hoped home still was, at least.

~.~.~

His key still worked, and he'd said 'hello' to a couple of his neighbors - they'd both looked relieved to see him, and Mrs. O'Doherty had even wrapped him up in a hug that smelled like cinnamon and cardamom. That meant he'd been away long enough to worry people, but they hadn't babbled about him being back from the dead. That was probably a good sign. A guy could hope, anyway.

When he opened the door to his and Arnie's apartment, it creaked in the same familiar way it always had. The air that rushed out to greet him was chillier than the air outside; it made him shiver as he eased into the space. He already missed the warmth of Tony's tower and - more keenly - the warmth of Tony's arms.

Signs of his best friend were everywhere - his church shoes waiting just inside the door, a pair of pants thrown over their threadbare couch, a pack of cards with nude ladies on the back on the table in an unfinished game of solitaire. Arnie never liked doing the dishes so there was a pile of them next to the sink, and it was enough to make Steve give a choked laugh.

Everything was a little messy, a little beat up, a little worn. There was a level of quiet that had almost never been present in Tony's New York, and when he looked out the window the skyline was almost unrecognizable. It was all different and none of it fit. Steve felt like he was in a set of clothes that was just a little too small for him - he could make due, but it was all pinched and tight. He wondered how long it would take him to settle; he wondered if he ever would.

Steve knew he could take STAR out of his pocket and let her distract him. She could talk him through this with her irreverent humor. They could both use each other to blunt the edge of their loss, but he wasn't ready for that. Wallowing never did anyone any good, his ma had always said. She'd been right about most everything else, so he figured her words wouldn't steer him wrong now. It was just that he needed a little more time. He needed a little while to soak in the silence and come to terms with his grief. Steve needed to get a bit more used to the feeling of 'wrong' alone.

So he kept STAR in his pocket as he started to tidy up. Every so often he would reach in to gently stroke her surface, and his fingers would linger on the engraved words Tony had left for him. He did the dishes and wiped down the counters, checked how much food they had left - Arnie was happy to do the shopping, but it was usually Steve who made a list. Just as he'd thought, they were low on essentials and had some things they didn't really need. The list was the work of a minute or two, and then he started on the rest of their small apartment.

The cleaning kept him occupied for a little while, though not as long as it would have if U and Dum-E had been there to create chaos and distract him while he tried to tidy it. Sooner than he would have liked, he was left with nothing to do. Drawing felt impossible, and looking through the briefcase U had given him would only make him break down sobbing. He still felt too raw to speak to STAR, but he did take her out and turn her over and over in his hands.

"I'm sorry," he said quietly. "Just... I need a bit-a time."

She didn't answer, but for just a second she warmed in his hands, vibrating gently. Steve knew she'd heard and understood, and that was all he could really ask of her. His fingers continued playing over her compass form as he stared out the window, trying to reconcile what he'd seen and done with what was before him. It had seemed... not simple, but so clear - what he was supposed to do had been so damned clear when that Loki fella showed up. Now, alone in a world and time that felt _wrong_ , he wondered if maybe he hadn't made a mistake.

Sure, he'd have Arnie back, and he was now destined for things greater than he'd ever thought possible, but he'd given up a whole hell of a lot in return. He didn't think he'd ever stop missing Tony, the boys or FRIDAY. He wasn't sure how he could settle back into a life that seemed too small to hold him. Steve knew for sure that there wasn't room in his heart for anyone but Tony, and he'd only ever have memories of what it felt like to be held, kissed and loved like that.

Captain America was important, he knew that. Maybe even essential. The way Loki had manipulated everything only confirmed what he'd learned from Fri. He would be proud if he could fill such a vital role in protecting his world and he'd do it to the very best of his ability... but it hurt. It hurt to know that he wouldn't ever see Tony again, and he was sure he'd spend the rest of his life quietly bleeding to death on the inside.

It felt like he blinked and the sky had turned dark, he was so lost in thought. He might have stared with unseeing eyes even longer if he hadn't heard a key slide into the lock and turn with a loud 'click'. Steve gulped and sprang to his feet, heart fluttering and stomach knotting. As the door opened, he slipped STAR back into his pocket and had to lick his suddenly dry lips several times.

He had no idea what kind of welcome he was going to receive, didn't know how long he'd been gone, if Arnie had given him up for dead. There were too many unknowns, and he struggled to keep his breath even so he wouldn't simply pass out.

The man who had been his friend for years was looking down at a letter he had clutched in one hand when he entered. The punk kicked off his shoes and left them where they landed, shaking off his coat and throwing it in the vague direction of the table. It hit the floor instead and Arnie didn't give a lick about that. Steve couldn't help but scoff, which was when Arnie jerked his head up and froze. His eyes went round and big as saucers and he was going to catch an awful lot of flies if he didn't close his mouth soon.

For a long while they were stuck that way, staring at each other dumbly. It was Arnie who eventually broke the tableau by slamming the door behind him so hard that the walls shook. A heartbeat later he'd dropped everything in his hands to the ground and Steve was already wrapped up in a hug that seemed designed to break his ribs. "You absolute bastard," he heard in his ear. Arnie's voice was a mix of rage and relief, his arms going impossibly tighter. "Thought you was dead or somethin', that mebbe you went'n insulted someone you shouldn't've, and I been lookin' high and low. There was _nothin'_ , nobody was talkin'n you're always sayin' somethin' you shouldn't."

Steve had been curiously numb at first, but by the time Arnie was halfway through his fervent babble, he was hugging his best friend back hard as anything. "Didn't mean ta worry ya," he muttered into Arnie's shoulder.

"Worry?" Arnie demanded, abruptly shoving Steve back but keeping hold of his shoulders. "I was _worried_ two days in. I been nearabout frantic, you mook. I know you and your mouth that's bigger'n your brain and how eager your fists are for a fight. Only just last year you was arguin' with a couple boys who’d started workin' for Meehan - most folks’d know not to go messin’ with the mob, but you. You don't _think_ about that stuff, don't know when to stop your gum's flappin' and just keep your damn head down. I thought I'd be fishin' you outta the river if I ever found you at all." Steve thought he might have deserved the shove Arnie gave him, especially since it wasn't hard enough to send him back more than a few steps. "Almost a damned month, Steve," he said, suddenly looking tired and defeated. "You better have one hell of a story after all the worryin' I did after your skinny ass."

"I got a story ya won't believe," Steve told him honestly. "But I ain't tellin' it until ya promise not ta throw me inta one-a those institutions. I'm not crazy - do ya trust me when I tell ya that?"

"You've always been crazy, Stevie," Arnie said with a shrug of his shoulders. Probably he was too tired for any more outbursts because he staggered the rest of the way to the couch and collapsed onto it. "Never committed you yet."

Steve felt a ghost of a smile curve his lips - God above, how he'd missed his friend. He walked over and sat next to Arnie, more grateful than he could say when Arnie's arm immediately draped over his shoulders.

"Alright. I'm trustin' ya ta not do it this time. And could ya... just lemme finish b'fore ya say anytin'. I dunno if I could keep goin' if ya stopped me."

"Should I be scared?"

"Nah. Don't think so at least. It's just a long story that'll prolly leave me kind-a heartsick."

He looked up to see Arnie lift a brow, but he didn't push. Arnie had always known just how hard he could press Steve. He only hoped that the man reacted well to what he was about to say. He wanted to introduce Arnie to STAR, wanted _someone_ to know what had happened to him and how much he'd lost. As he sorted through everything and wondered where to start, he decided to keep the parts about Captain America to himself, just the same way he wouldn't go into too many details about the more intimate moments he'd shared with Tony. Those were private, for him alone - sharing them felt like cheapening them.

"I was gone longer'n a month," he finally said, leaning heavily into Arnie's side. "And it started with what I thought was a dream..."

To his credit, Arnie didn't interrupt once. Sure there was the occasional snort of disbelief or quiet sound of understanding, but he didn't open his mouth to talk even once. By the end of his tale, Steve's eyes were burning with tears he was trying not to let fall, voice thick with grief. He'd left _Tony_ , left a man he woulda been proud to stand by for the rest of his life, left 'bots and an AI that were likely the only kids he'd ever have besides STAR. He'd walked away from something good, something right. Maybe he'd done it for all the right reasons, but that didn't make the void in his heart hurt any less. When he started to cry despite himself, Arnie wrapped him up in a hug that smelled of the clove cigarettes he traded for down at the docks.

Steve lost track of time again as he cried into Arnie's chest. His friend murmured soothing phrases against his temple and rubbed his back - it helped, even if the man he really wanted comfort from was nowhere to be found. Eventually Steve got control of his emotions again, leaving him itchy-eyed and sniffling.

"... sounds like you had quite an adventure, Stevie," Arnie told him as he leaned back to catch Steve's gaze. "You real sure you didn't just bump your head too hard?"

"'M sure, Arnie. I went ta some other world's future'n met a fella named Tony Stark. You'd-a liked him, ya know. He was-" Steve's throat closed against the words, and Arnie gave his hair a reassuring ruffle.

"I'm sure I woulda. Seems like took real good care of you, so he's an alright kinda guy in my book." Arnie tried to hide it, but he was as soft a touch as Steve's ma had been. He brushed Steve's hair out of his eyes before searching them, worry writ clear in his own. "I wanna believe you, Stevie. You was always a scamp but never a liar. Just... it seems like somethin' outta some novel. It's hard to wrap my brain around is all. Only thing I can't deny is that you look better than I ever seen you. Looks like you put some meat on those bones and you don't have those damn bruises under your eyes. Breath don't rattle loud enough for me to hear no more either. So somethin' happened, and what you told me is as good a explanation as any. But Steve?"

Arnie believed him. Maybe he didn't want to, maybe he didn't buy the whole story, but Arnie believed him and it meant everything. He was so busy being relieved that Arnie's last words took a few seconds to register. "What?"

"... don't talk about it to anyone else. They won’t believe you, and they might... we's a family, but the law won't see it that way. They could cart you off and I couldn't say nothin' against it. So you just... you gotta keep it under wraps, you understand? It'd kill me to see anythin' happen to you. We'll figure out a story and stick to it, and you keep your mouth quiet about what really happened, you hear me? For once in your whole damn life you keep your mouth shut and your head down. I'll feed 'em all a lie, and you just need to let it happen. Even when I ship out, you lie your damned ass off, Stevie."

"I will," he answered, the promise feeling sour in his mouth. Steve hated lying, hated the ones Arnie would have to tell that anyone would buy. Every one of them painted him as delicate, frail - the bully boys who never forgave him for challenging them would be all kinds of awful about it. The thought that he'd have to grit his teeth and let them jeer rubbed him the wrong way. He'd do it though - he'd do it for Arnie and STAR. He'd do it because Tony would hate to know Steve was starting fights that'd end in him hurting. He'd do it because he had better things to spend his energy on - like figuring out where he could meet Dr. Abraham Erskine.

Steve didn't have STAR reveal herself to Arnie just yet, and his best friend didn't ask to see the robot Tony sent with him. During dinner, Arnie filled him in on all he'd missed while he was gone and Steve tried not to miss the way food from the future had tasted. It was harder not to miss how much of it there'd been. After they ate Steve pleaded exhaustion and retired early; despite how empty and cold his bed felt, he didn't try to crawl into Arnie's to find solace.

He slept alone except for the briefcase set on the foot of the bed and STAR - finally out of her compass form - cuddled up to his neck. She didn't say much, probably missing Tony and her siblings as much as Steve did. When he asked, she showed him a few pictures of his fella and their kids. She didn't even say anything about the tears that ran down his cheeks when she did either.

Steve was home... and he'd never felt so sad and out of place in his whole life.

~.~.~

Steve was quicker to settle back into his old life than he would have expected, faster than he would have liked. It all still felt wrong, but no one but Arnie seemed to notice the way he didn't quite fit. His shape had changed too much for him to slot neatly back into place, but he still fit in the puzzle. Mr. Steinbeck still gave him a grateful smile when he brought the old man a paper or some milk; Mrs. Greene still scowled whenever she saw him and Arnie together and hid her children from their view. The Johnsons argued loudly late at night, a homeless man named Karl was in a drunken sleep on the stoop of their building every morning, and the sun still rose and set the way it always had.

He got his job at the stables back pretty easy - he had a knack for gentling the animals into doing what was necessary and the turnover rate was high. Someone was always quitting, being fired or disappearing. His boss had seemed gruffly pleased to see Steve return, a little pale and a little quiet, sure, but there nonetheless. 

Drawing up propaganda posters and comics was harder, mostly because it took a while to get used to the lighting and bottom of the barrel materials. Most men he drew ended up looking like Tony; Arnie had come home to him crying over one such piece once. Mercifully he said nothing, but he hugged Steve even more than he had before.

STAR was a bright spot in his life. She got along with Arnie like a house on fire - they were the only things that made Steve really and truly smile anymore. The little robot loved to play with those naked lady cards Arnie owned and she beat both of them soundly at any game they tried once she'd grasped the rules. It was a nice way to pass the evenings, now that Steve flatly refused to visit the smoky bars and dark alleys where men who weren't Tony would try to touch him and kiss him. Every once in awhile Arnie would go without him, and every time he reported that people asked about him, wanted to see him. He doubted that strongly. It was probably Arnie just wanting him to move on, find someone to help him forget Tony. Or at least soothe the ache of his absence.

Steve couldn't bring himself to do either. At night he always retired before Arnie and used the privacy to mourn his loss. He picked at the grief like he might a scab, refusing to allow it to heal. He wanted that small prick of pain, the bite of loss - if either ever stopped, it would mean he had forgotten _Tony_. He poured over all the pictures U had packed for him (including some Steve himself had drawn), watched videos of his time in the future on STAR's little screen, traced Tony's face over and over on both cool paper and warm plastic. His memories of that time were treated with care and never truly tucked away even as he slid into daily routines that almost became natural.

Before he knew it, it was almost September and Arnie was headed out. Only for basic, and Arnie was hopeful that was all he'd ever see. He shared his hopes that the war would end before the United States got drawn into it to Steve who could only give a noncommittal hum in response. It was hard, to know so much about what might happen in the coming years. Now he understood the careful way Tony navigated that issue more fully.

Saying goodbye to Arnie was hard, but it made some things easier.

STAR felt more comfortable embracing the full range of her potential when her only audience was Steve. She poured over newspapers and every book Steve could get his hands on. He'd never had much use for libraries before - seemed like a waste of time when there was so much else to do - but now he dutifully went and got STAR more to read and research every week. She absorbed knowledge like a sponge, and when she was feeling particularly rabid for new information she would sweet-talk Steve into going twice a week instead.

Her interest in military strategy and the art of war was somewhat more distressing, but Steve understood. It got to the point when he wasn't even surprised to come home and find a sprawling battle diagramed out on his floor. Different materials designated different troop types, and she played out mock battles with herself with the same gusto she'd poured into mastering card games.

After the first time Steve tried lying to gain admission into the army she forced him to start taking part in her 'war games'. She exhaustively explained different tactics and strategies, gave him scenarios and had him talk through how he could respond. Soon enough, three nights a week found them waging 'war' against each other. STAR always won, but on nights when it took longer than an hour or she complimented his creativity in approaching his offense or defense, Steve sort of felt like he'd won something too.

Arnie wrote letters often; Steve wrote him back and included little cartoons of himself and STAR that no one else would believe were based on his real life even if they saw them. He saved up enough for two more defense bonds that he knew would soon be war bonds and began drafting up posters that could be used once his country finally stirred itself to enter the war in Europe. It killed something in Steve to know so much more about what was potentially happening over there while the US maintained its facade of 'neutrality'. He was kinder to the new Jewish immigrants than anyone else on his block and went out of his way to stand up for them when he saw them being mistreated by others.

It hurt to know that prejudice existed just as strong in the heart of Americans as it did elsewhere.

Steve tried once more to enlist before the war got started in earnest for the US, keeping his lies small and minimal. He needed the practice, really - he didn't know how Rogers had lived with himself after doing it so often. From the pity and understanding in the eyes of the doctor who gave him his 4F, he knew how the man had gotten away with it.

Months trickled by like grains of sand through his fingers, barely noticeable but undeniable. Soon December 7th loomed like a black cloud on the horizon, and he broke down and bought a newer radio so he could keep up with the news that would flow fast and thick once disaster struck. He didn't need static, whines, and the occasional refusal to turn on at all disrupting the flow of information. When the fateful day passed with nary a peep of real trouble, Steve worried.

Then, on December 14th the Japanese bombed Pearl Harbor and Steve was devastated by the difference that a few days had made. The death toll nearly doubled and their Navy was partially crippled - it was so much worse than what had happened in Tony's history. As he grieved and raged with his nation, Steve vowed to never again forget that he couldn't take any future event as a given.

The United States officially declared war on December 18th of 1941.

As men enlisted in droves, Steve got work for himself at a factory - the women that began to fill all the positions around him tended to tease, but he didn't mind too much. Some of them reminded him of Pepper and they were all there to work, not find dance partners. It was the best experience he'd had with a group of women in his whole life, really. 

Christmas was a solemn, somber affair - Arnie sent a small package of rich, probably expensive chocolates that Steve devoured. Steve sent him a multi-page comic that depicted his friend performing all kinds of heroic acts overseas and then (most importantly) coming _home_.

The women he worked with realized he had zero interest in pursuing them romantically. The ones who had correctly guessed _why_ began to have him draw lines in eyeliner down the back of their legs as nylons started to run in short supply. His hand was steadier, they praised, and he never once tried to get a look up their skirts.

They took him dancing with them, using him as a shield against advances from unwanted suitors. In return, they cried with him when he told them a selective history of the love of his life. When he showed them STAR (in compass form), they cooed over Tony's parting gift and marveled at the man who'd built her. Steve had been lucky, they agreed, to have what time he'd managed with Tony. Unlike Arnie, they never pushed him to find someone new to try and lessen the heartbreak over losing him. They were the sisters he'd never had, all four of them, cheery and sweet as his ma with cores of steel like Pepper.

With Lisa, Melinda, Rose and Susan, Steve almost felt like he had somewhere to fit again.

Arnie came home for two weeks before shipping out. Steve's Gaggle of Girls (as they'd named themselves while they all giggled over too much gin and tonic) adopted him neatly into their fold during the duration. It lessened his best friend's hurt over his blood family's continued refusal to see him due to his choice of 'lifestyle' even in the face of his departure for war. 

He and Steve spent as much time as they could together, and Arnie used (too) much of his Army pay to try and set Steve up for his absence. Arnie used patriotism and his dimpled smile on their landlord to lower the rent to something Steve could almost afford on his own and promised to make up for the difference. He bought Steve new, warm clothes and a pair of shoes nicer than either of them had owned before. The night before he left, he came home with a small set of art supplies that was miles above what Steve already owned, and they both cried when Steve promised to keep drawing and sending him comics while he fought the fight.

Steve and his whole Gaggle of Girls saw Arnie off at the train station. There were dozens of other uniformed men heading out at the same time, most of them attended by and being fussed over by their families and lady-loves. Arnie, however, was the only one who got on the train with four smears of slightly different shades of red lipstick on each cheek.

Once Arnie left, Steve resumed his attempts to enlist. He spaced them out, not wanting to draw too much attention, and used slightly different lies each time. By the time the summer of 1942 hit, Steve had still passed the number of attempts made by Rogers by two. He'd heard no rumblings about anything like the Expo FRIDAY had told him about, and he hoped that if it didn't happen he could luck into meeting Erskine by accident. He had no doubt Loki would manipulate events if necessary, but he figured that was no excuse to slack on his end.

He missed Tony with a fierce but dull ache that never really left him. Even when Melinda had him in stitches over the antics of her latest would-be suitor, Steve wished his lover was there to laugh with him. He would have loved Steve's G.O.G. as much as Steve had loved Pepper and Rhodey, he was sure of it.

In August of that year, Rose got turned out by her family when they discovered she had no plans on marrying the man they'd hand-picked for her and, indeed, might never marry at all. Steve brought her home as his cousin, and she became the first member of the G.O.G. who met STAR's true self.

They ran Steve's life with frightening efficiency and had no patience for his bouts of melancholy but understood the days when he needed time to be quiet and look over what he had left of Tony, Fri and the boys. Rose learned the truth just like Arnie had; eventually, he even told her a little bit about Captain America. She needed to be prepared for when he left, after all, and she swore up and down that she would take care of the briefcase U'd given him and make sure it ended up in the right hands if Steve ever... well.

In November Susan moved in when she got pregnant and her beau refused to take responsibility for her and the baby. Steve and his G.O.G. decided to stop fighting fate and began to look for a place that could hold all of them with at least some level of comfort. One chilly December morning they moved into a small house owned by a tiny old woman whose grandson had already been killed in action. Mémère, as she insisted on being called, continued to live in the small bedroom downstairs while the girls took the rooms upstairs. Steve slept in the room that would be the nursery until March of the following year when he moved downstairs to the couch in anticipation of the baby's furniture being moved in.

It was an odd life, the one they'd all built with each other... but it was one that Steve cherished all the same.

He wasn't quite home, not without Tony and all of their kids, but he was sure it was the closest he would ever get. STAR loved all five women in Steve's life equally, and she began to write to Arnie along with all of them - she did so pretending to be Arnie's niece. She also began to demand they all call her by a nickname of some kind. Mémère called her 'ma petite etoile blanc', while Melinda, Lisa and Steve settled for 'Starlight'. Susan was the most outrageous, shifting names with a speed and creativity that would have left even Tony green with envy. Rose was the only one to call her 'Starling', and she was also the only one besides Steve who was allowed the honor of carrying the bot on her shoulder.

Steve kept right on missing Tony and wondering when his destiny as Captain America would come knocking. He wrote Arnie, drew propaganda posters and pictures of his G.O.G., worked his factory job and ramped up his attempts to enlist. Howard Stark had already been drafted into building bigger and better bombs for the military; unlike Tony's father, he hadn't had the time to spare for the frivolity of an expo about the technology of tomorrow. Steve hoped Loki was ready to interfere; on his more bitter days he wondered if he'd left Tony behind for nothing.

Finally, _finally_ , on May 3rd of 1943, Steven Brian Rogers met Abraham Erskine for the first time.

~.~.~

"So."

It was hard not to fidget under the weight of Dr. Abraham Erskine's stare - it felt like the man was looking straight into Steve's soul. Meeting his gaze was another struggle, one that Steve met head-on, doing his best to keep his expression neutral. He didn't know what he would do if Erskine decided against using him, because it would mean that he'd left Tony for _nothing_. STAR was a source of warmth and comfort in his pocket, and if he didn't want to keep her far away from Erskine's knowing gaze he'd be turning her over in his fingers to help steady himself.

"You want to fight Nazis," Erskine said, expression relaxing into something that almost made Steve smile. He punched the air as he spoke and even winked at Steve afterwards before settling his fingers back on the file folder that must have held a record of every single one of Steve's failed attempts to sign up. "Maybe kill a few, eh? Shooting up bad guys is an American pastime, after all."

"Killin' ain't really the point, doc," Steve said, courage flagging just a little under Erskine's renewed scrutiny. "Been hearin' all kind-a things 'bout what's goin' on over there. Some-a my neighbors are folks who managed ta get out b'fore it got too bad'n they tell me things. It ain't right, sir, what that Hitler's doin' ta Jews'n queers'n such. Anybody with any kind-a soul oughta be outraged. Anyone with any kind-a decency should wanna fight ta stop him'n all-a his followers. It ain't about killin' Nazis or... or shootin' up bad guys. It's about doin' what's right. 'S about takin' a stand'n sayin' that that sort-a hate don't have any place in this world." Steve realized he'd sorta made a speech and stopped, feeling heat rush to his cheeks. Shrugging awkwardly, he directed his gaze to his feet and hoped like hell he hadn’t just missed his chance. "Least that's what I think, sir."

"... call me Abraham. Erskine if you must. I think we will be going a long way together, Steven. I have a feeling about you - I want to see if I can turn that feeling into reality."

"Si-- ... Erskine?"

"No one in their right mind would send you to war, Steven. Not as you are. But there is a way, a way for you to take this stand you speak of. It is dangerous--"

"I been in danger-a dyin' since I was born," Steve said, sure that blunt would work best with this keen-eyed, soft-spoken man. "'S a miracle I made it this far, sir... Erskine... doc?"

"Doc will be fine," Erskine said with a smile. "And I see. Then welcome to the army, Steven." Erskine stamped his papers, and it was... surreal to say the least to see anything other than '4F' gleaming in ink. "You've been accepted into the special program being run by the Strategic Scientific Reserve."

Dazed and a bit disbelieving, Steve stood when Erskine did and shook the man's hand. "Doc... thanks. Promise I'll do my best not ta make ya regret this."

"I don't believe I will. Now. You're one of the only men not being pulled from duties elsewhere," Erskine said as he laid a friendly, almost fatherly arm across Steve's shoulders to guide him out of the small room where they'd been talking. "So the initial training will not commence for a few weeks yet. Colonel Phillips assures me if we do not give the army time to carefully organize this venture the whole thing will fall into chaos. That does mean you have time to get your affairs in order and say any goodbyes you must make. If you must tell family or a sweetheart anything, say only that you are going to basic. Much of this is still very hush-hush, you see."

"Can do, doc," he lied easily, glad for the practice he'd gotten over the past year at doing so with a straight face. "'M gonna need a address where my sisters can send me letters though. They'll come lookin' if I don't, ya see."

"Sisters? You have never said you have sisters, not in any of your many attempts to trick the United States government into accepting you into the army."

"Oh. Well." Steve felt his face turning beet red as Erskine steered him down the long hallway towards the entrance of the building. "We ain't... they're girls from the factory," he admitted with another awkward shrug. "Started workin' there ta try'n do my bit, and they sorta adopted me. Well, we all adopted each other, I guess. Might not be by blood, doc, but they're still mine'n I'm theirs. 'S easier ta just call 'em sisters so they don't start peckin' at me."

Erskine laughed, a pleasant sound that eased some of Steve's apprehension about what was to come. It was going to be hard and hurt a helluva lot, but at least it looked like Erskine wasn't gonna make things any harder by being cold or a jerk. "I see! Well, even if they are not truly your sisters, I will make sure they have an address - it wouldn't do to have them poking around all the army's secrets to find you, after all. It is no problem to provide such a thing. Now." Erskine came to an abrupt stop when the exit was in sight and gave Steve's shoulder one last squeeze. "Here we must part for a little while. I have your address - your real one even, I believe, and someone will be in contact with you in short order. It was truly a pleasure, Steven. I look forward to seeing how far we will go together."

"Me too, doc. Thanks for givin' me a shot."

They shook hands before parting ways, and Steve was torn between elation and dread all the way home. On the one hand, this was what he'd come back to his world and time to do. Becoming Captain America, protecting his world and the people in it... that was the only thing worth leaving Tony for. If it hadn't ever happened, Steve woulda stormed the heavens to find that Loki fellow and demanded to be returned to Tony. 

So it was good, mostly, that he'd finally met Erskine. On the other hand, though, was his Gaggle of Girls. He was gonna miss them something awful, and he was worried about how they would do in his absence. Sure he would send some-a his army pay their way - what they'd take of it, at least - and Arnie'd keep doing the same, but... well. He still worried. Susan's baby was due in a couple-a months, and he hated that he wouldn't be there for her. 

That worry and the guilt over leaving his girls prompted Steve to stop at a bakery he passed on the way home. He paid far too much for the little cakes he bought, but he figured it was worth it. All the girls would love 'em, even if Mémère would pretend to refuse hers at least three times before finally, 'reluctantly', accepting it. 

Sweets couldn't make up for the way he was leaving them, not really, but he knew that they would understand. They all knew he'd left the love of his life to come back and do something important; they wouldn't begrudge him this. They'd cry and fuss, of course - no stopping that, not with his girls - but they'd also send him off with smiles and too many kisses to each cheek.

Rose was the only one home (besides Mémère, of course) when he walked in the front door. She was in the kitchen, humming softly to herself as she peeled potatoes for dinner. Steve paused in the doorway to watch her, a fond smile on his lips. She was beautiful, the perfect combination of velvet and steel, and he loved her as fiercely as he would have loved any sister his ma and da could have given him. It wasn't until he cleared his throat that she realized he was there; when she looked up at him, her whole expression lit up. "Steve! I'd wondered when you'd be home. ... you look upset. Is something wrong?"

"Nah," he said as he crossed to her, pressing a kiss to her cheek once he was close enough. "Just... I got news, ya know? Should prolly save it for all-a ya at once." STAR never waited for his permission to come out when they were at home anymore - she was perfectly comfortable getting out of his pocket under her own power so she could sit on his shoulder.

"Hello there, my little Starling. Do you know why our Steve looks like he's seen a ghost?" Rose asked playfully, giving Steve a kiss on the cheek in return before taking the box of cakes from him. When she peeked inside, both of her brows rose almost to her hairline, and she shot him a look that sorta made his blood run cold. "Or why he bought us fancy cakes? Steve--"

"I'm fine, I promise. I just..."

"We met Erskine today," STAR told her when words failed him completely. "Me from Steve's pocket but it still counts."

Understanding dawned on Rose's face, and then (just as Steve had predicted) she began to tear up. "Oh Steve..." she whispered, almost tossing the box of fancy, expensive pastries onto the counter. It made Steve want to whimper but he didn't - he was too busy catching Rose as she threw herself at him and wrapped him up in a tight hug. "I know you said... but I never..." Rose hid her face in his shoulder and he had no choice but to hug her as hard as he could, trying to offer at least a little comfort.

"I gotta do this, Rosie-posie," he whispered into her hair. "Gonna miss ya and the other girls, but I gotta. Not for a couple-a weeks yet, but--"

"I know," she said with a quiet little sniff. "Knowing doesn't make it any easier, but I know." When she pulled back there were tiny drops of moisture beading on her lashes, but that was as far as she'd allowed her tears to get. She'd never let her eye makeup run, so crying during the day was for other people. She gave him a tight smile and squeezed his arms while STAR transferred herself to Rose's shoulder. "Now you go make yourself useful and get something done in that baby's room. If it isn't finished before you leave, Steven Rogers, there'll be hell to pay."

"Ladies oughta use better language," he said, laughing when both Rose and STAR made extremely rude noises at him in return - Rose even showed him her middle finger. "There's my girl. If ya could keep the news ta yourself for a bit, I'd be grateful. I wanna tell 'em all myself. They deserve ta hear it from me."

"Of course."

"And start thinkin' 'bout how much I'll need ta be sendin' ta keep my girls comfortable while I'm gone. I won't have hardly nothin' ta spend money on," he said quickly when he saw her open her mouth. "'N I'll keep some pocket money for certain, but I ain't leavin' ya high'n dry. So get ta figurin' what'll be lost when me'n Susan both ain't workin' the factory anymore. Ya hear?"

"We'd be just fine without you, Steven," she told him with a dismissive wave before she turned her back on him. "But I'll do it, if only because I'm sure you'll send us everything you make if I don't."

"Ya got that right."

"Get out of my kitchen before I send Starling here to shoo you."

"Yes'm."

She'd be alright, her and the other girls. Rose packed a heck of a punch, and there was no way she'd let things fall apart in his absence. Hell, he half-expected to come back and find her running the borough at the very last, maybe even the whole city. Melinda was a tough dame too, and the pair of them along with Mémère would take care of Lisa, Susan and the baby. They'd be fine, and he didn't need to worry about them too much while he was off becoming Captain America.

He was one step closer to fulfilling his destiny - that had to be worth something. Even if he missed his fella near constantly, Steve hoped that Tony was proud of him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> More thanks to my lovely beta, KiernaSerea. <3 She's been wonderful to have through the process, and thanks also to Arboreal, who has been wonderfully patient while waiting for me to finish up the story. <3
> 
> I have a [Tumblr](http://tahlreth.tumblr.com), and you should come visit!


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Bam, on a Wednesday as promised. Getting so good with this schedule thing.
> 
> Thanks for reading and maybe leave a comment? :D

_Dear Stevie,_

_You left us only an hour ago, but I already miss you and my Starling terribly. Lisa is still crying, the poor thing. Susan likely would be if she weren't having a lie down - you know how tired she gets with the baby so close to joining our little family. I've decided I won't cry over you until it's all over, one way or another. I hope they'll be tears of joy, but with everything you've told me... well. When this cursed war finally ends, we'll know for sure, won't we? Your briefcase is being kept safely with my things, and I've even resisted the urge to peek at its contents. I shall miss being able to see drawings of your love._

_We're all very proud of you, but I do hope you won't let that go to your head. Arrogance will kill a man more quickly than most anything else, but I'm sure you know that. You've mostly got a good head on your shoulders. Don't let the army beat that out of you or I'll be forced to take drastic action. I've always wanted to see Europe, you know. A few bombs and stray bullets won't deter me from chasing you down across the ocean if I must._

_I know I'm speaking as if you're already over there, and you haven't even completed basic yet. It's simply that I know it will happen before we know it - you'll be gone, off to be a hero, and who knows if you'll even have time to stop off at home first. It's best if I remind you often and firmly that I won't tolerate any nonsense on your part._

_Speaking of nonsense, Melinda is reading this over my shoulder and demands that you send us each a handsome soldier. I myself would prefer one with a good deal more sense than the boys surrounding me now. A healthy dash of romantic thinking wouldn't hurt I suppose, and I care about both of those things more than the way my mystery man fills out the shoulders of his uniform. If you do start sending men, please find one for Susan first - she worries, even if she'd like us all to pretend she doesn't. If she could find someone steady with a love of children it would be a Godsend._

_The factory will be dull without you, but we'll get on just fine. Please try not to fret over us too much, and if you do anything ridiculous like get shot, I shall be very cross with you._

_Yours,_

_Rosie-posie_

~.~.~

Camp Leigh wasn't at all what Steve had been expecting. He shouldn't have been surprised by that, not with the way things were already different than the way Steve Grant had experienced them, but he was. Once he found out that training would last for almost two months instead of a week, he should have been prepared for anything. Then he had met Agent Matthew Carter, who was British but decidedly _not_ female, and through the shock he realized that he still hadn't let go of all his expectations. At least Colonel Phillips was still a hard-ass who seemed to have no idea what to do with him. It wasn't _nice_ to have his CO treat him like a particularly annoying and tiny dog, but at least he wasn't surprised by it.

He wasn't surprised by the slight hush that fell the first time he entered the mess hall either. 

Steve decided right then and there that he was going to start the way he meant to go on. They weren't going to get to him - he wouldn't let them intimidate him or push him around. It was the same as it had been with the guys back in the old neighborhood, except with even higher stakes. Every single one of the men watching him with a mix of curiosity, pity and hostility was angling for the same goal as he was. They all wanted to be chosen as Erskine's test subject and Steve needed to make damn sure that he was the one that got that honor.

So he firmed his chin as he got in the line for food, standing as straight and tall as he could manage. Mostly that only got a few chuckles, but at least some of the attention left him as the others found more interesting things to focus on. _He_ was interested in the food being served - all of them were getting the exact same thing, and they were expected to eat everything they were given and only what they were given. Their diet was being as strictly controlled as their exercise and sleep regimens; STAR had whispered a theory that maybe the change in lifestyle was being used instead of Vita-Rays.

It was healthy and more than what he would have gotten at home, so Steve didn't much mind that there wouldn't be a lot of sweets or caffeine in his immediate future. He thanked the people serving, then had to turn and survey the room again. He probably oughta try and make a few friends, but every eye he met quickly left his - there weren't any smiles or other silent invitations. Shrugging off the way that had him feeling pretty damned inferior, he headed for an empty table instead. STAR wasn't there to entertain him - and he didn't want to know what she was doing in the barracks when he couldn't be there with her - so he pulled out a small pad of paper and a pencil.

Dividing his time between eating and sketching, Steve let the din wash over him, not paying much attention at all to his surroundings. He would need to write the girls soon, and they always enjoyed his little doodles. Drawing himself as a tiny Terrier in uniform surrounded by a crowd of Great Danes in the same felt appropriate, and he was sure it would make his Gaggle of Girls laugh.

He could almost hear the sound of it in his mind, Lisa's polite giggles mixing with the silver bells of Melinda's laughter and Susan's soft laughter almost drowned out by Rose's unrestrained guffaws. The phantom sounds in his ear made him smile as he drew in the last few lines... and then he almost fell off his seat when he heard _actual_ laughter, rough and low and too close.

Strong hands caught him though, and Steve knew he was turning bright red as he regained his seat. He hadn't even noticed anybody sit beside him! To have some guy get that close without even making him blink didn't speak well to his skills of observation. STAR was gonna have his hide later, and the girls would laugh themselves sick at how oblivious he could be. Knowing it was best to confront his embarrassment head-on, he squared his shoulders and met the eyes of the man who had both sent him toppling and had caught him.

They were pretty, he noted absently, a blue-gray that probably changed depending on what the guy wore and his surroundings. His hair was short and perfectly in order. That, his perfectly smooth cheeks and immaculately ironed uniform gave Steve the impression that the guy was a bit of a dandy. Still, he had an open, friendly smile, and the longer Steve studied him the more Steve was sure he'd seen the guy somewhere before.

"Sorry," the guy told him, accent as familiar as Steve's own. "Thought ya saw me sit with ya. Didn't mean ta scare ya or nothin'."

"Didn't scare me," Steve said with a shrug and a mild glare, daring the guy to contradict him. "Just got a bit startled is all. Ya couldn't-a made some noise when ya sat?"

"Nah. Got two little sisters at home - learned real quick ta move quiet ta avoid catchin' their notice." The guy held out a hand, and Steve couldn't help but return his grin while they shook hands. "Bucky Barnes," he said easily, not seeming to notice the way Steve froze at the familiar name.

God, was _that_ where he'd seen the guy before? In Tony's files? There were the little differences that he'd come to expect, but mostly he looked pretty damn close to the Bucky from Tony's world now that he was looking for it. Except that wasn't all - there was some nagging sense that he'd known this face, that it had been part of the background noise of his neighborhood long before Loki had sent him away. "And you're little Stevie Rogers," he continued, yanking Steve out of his thoughts and making his mouth drop open.

"How did ya--"

"Your ma did laundry for mine sometimes," Bucky said, finally letting Steve's hand go. "'N I think ya went ta school with Becca. Even if none-a that was true, you've got a reputation around the old neighborhood, ya know? Along with that Arnie fella that's always pullin' ya outta your messes. Soon as I saw your ugly mug, I knew."

Steve knew he was still staring, but he couldn't help it - he'd already sort-of known Bucky Barnes and hadn't even known it! God, now that he was thinking about it he did remember Becca, a little anyway. He hadn't much paid attention to the girls around him back then but he did remember that she had always been nice, in her way. She didn't pick on him, at least.

Once while they were waiting around after school to get picked up she had even given him a piece of hard candy that he'd sucked on for hours. The boy that had come for her, the one who had been good looking enough to make Steve blush and stammer when he tried to say hello must have been Bucky. They'd never been friends or even really talked, but Bucky had always been kind of around. He'd been part of the scenery of Steve's life.

"Didn't know I was so famous," Steve finally said, running a hand through his hair. "'N I coulda gotten outta most-a those messes without Arnie, thank ya very much."

"Nah. Without Arnie you'd-a been toast."

"Them's fightin' words, ya mook."

Bucky just started to laugh and Steve couldn't help but join in. Soon they were talking about some of the more colorful characters from their neighborhood and swapping tales. Bucky was funny with a sense of humor that Tony would have gotten a real kick out of.

Once he found out about Steve's Gaggle of Girls, he got Steve to promise to send them Becca and Rachel's way. His sisters were tough, Bucky insisted, but they'd been mostly alone since he'd enlisted and they could use a few new friends. Steve figured it wouldn't hurt for all their girls to have each other for support, so making the promise wasn't really a hardship.

They were fast friends by the time lunch was through. Nobody could ever replace Arnie, but he could definitely see why Steve Grant was proud to claim Bucky Barnes as a best friend. Steve had been pretty damn sure he'd be mostly alone as he went through this process. He had thought a few stolen conversations with STAR and letters from his girls would be it when it came to friendly interactions; once again he'd been wrong. At least this time it ended up being a positive.

Steve really needed to stop expecting things.

~.~.~

_Steve,_

_You're never going to guess what happened!_

_I left the factory a little late today - oh goodness, I can't believe it only happened today! It's almost ten at night, but I just have to tell somebody or I'll bust! Susan'll just cry since she's always crying now and it's enough to make a person wish the baby would just be born already so the rest of us can have some peace. Melly and Rosie will only tell me I'm being silly. Anyway, I left the factory late and took a bit of a stroll on the way home. It was fate, Steve, and something wonderful happened when I followed that tug in my soul._

_Steve. I'm in LOVE!_

_His name is David, and he's the most amazing man I've ever met. Well, aside from you, of course. But as wonderful as you are, David is just... oh, Steve, he's so much MORE. He's Jewish so I'll have to convert before we marry - you know I've never been much for church, so I don't mind._

_Not that he's asked of course. Not yet._

_But oh, I hope that someday he does. I would so love to be Mrs. David Bergmann._

_His family is originally from Germany, and can you imagine how lucky he is to have come here so young? He has aunts and uncles and cousins and all sorts of relations still over there, and he worries terribly. His brother Aaron is going to be old enough to join up in a month and plans on doing so immediately. David wants to, but when he was young there was an accident that left his right leg a mess. He's ashamed of it, I think, the way he can't fight and maybe even of the cane he has to use, but I told him that was silly._

_I might have mentioned you in passing - just how you saved up for war bonds and how you drew up all those propaganda posters. Oh! He said Aaron has a couple of the ones you did, can you imagine?! Anyway, I told him how hard you worked to do your part, and I told a bit of a fib, saying how you're doing work for the army that isn't soldiering. I figure once we're married I can tell him the truth._

_Steve, we spent HOURS together and it was so magical. Rose boxed my ears when I got home since it was after dark and they'd been worrying, but it didn't even hurt. Not with my newfound love wrapped around me like a blanket. Or something more protective than a blanket, but just as warm and soft. I'm seeing him again tomorrow, and then hopefully the next day and the next and the one after that... I don't care that we only met today._

_I love David, my heart is singing, and I just had to tell you._

_Anyway, I hope that training is going well. Say hello to Bucky for me, and say that his sisters are an absolute gas. Rachel is my brand new confidant, and I can't wait to tell her about this too!_

_Newly in love but still one of your girls,_

_Lisa_

~.~.~

"Rogers! Just what in the _hell_ do you think you're doing?"

"Sir--"

"Can it, Carter. Your feelings are known and I don't agree. Look at him! He's barely still on his feet, and that's only half the gear we'd load a recruit up with normally. Not even supposed to have that much on, Rogers, are you? No. No you're not. Jesus Christ, it's almost enough to make a grown man weep. If you pass out don't think for even a second that I'll pick you up off that muddy ground either. You've seen all your exemptions, and you know damn well--”

"I asked him to start wearing more of the standard issue gear, Colonel." Maybe it made Steve a punk, but he just about melted with relief when he heard Erskine intervene. "I apologize for not informing you, but I would appreciate it if you would stop yelling at Steven."

"I know he's your favorite, doc, but--"

"I don't have favorites," Erskine said blandly. Steve was pretty sure he was the only one in the yard who caught the wink Erskine gave him after. Well, Bucky might have - Bucky never seemed to miss anything. He fought to hide a smile, but when he and Agent Carter's eyes met he lost the battle.

"You wipe that smirk off your face, Rogers, or I swear to God--"

"Colonel, _really_."

It was strange, having so many people intervene on his behalf. Most of his fellow recruits (and they were all considered recruits at Camp Leigh, even guys who had stars and bars on their other uniforms) hadn't stopped to watch the show happening in front of them. PT was serious business for everyone, after all,, and they hadn't been told to stop. Even Bucky was still going, though his movements had slowed and Steve knew his friend was keeping an eye on the situation.

Bucky Barnes was almost as good as Arnie Roth when it came to having his back.

With Erskine and Carter willing to jump to his defense just then, Bucky didn't have to. For all that he claimed not to have favorites, Steve knew that Erskine paid him special attention. The doctor had been keeping a watchful eye on his progress and kept shifting his regimens away from what everyone else was doing. Already his meals were different from everyone else's - six other men were on a different plan than the rest, but Steve was the only one with a completely personalized meal plan and menu. 

Over the past month, Erskine had carefully but firmly pushed Steve right up to his limits without nudging him over the line. Much to Steve's astonishment, that line kept moving - even without that super serum stuff, Erskine was a miracle worker. A miracle worker who sometimes seemed to have already decided that Steve was going to be the one given the serum at the end of training.

Carter - Matthew, he really oughta call the guy Matthew - wasn't quite a friend, but he wasn't an enemy either. In possession of a mean right hook and a dry sense of humor, Carter didn't seem like one to tolerate fools... so why he'd taken to hanging around Steve and Bucky neither of them was sure. Still, he was a good man, and while he usually didn't interfere in the spats Steve got into with his fellow recruits, he was willing to take up for him when it came to Phillips.

Steve had a sneaking suspicion that even the Colonel liked him more than he let on, not that he'd ever mention it.

"I don't care who told you to load yourself up like a donkey carrying a Sherman tank," okay, maybe Steve was wrong about that. "But the point still stands - you keel over and I will not be picking you up out of the mud. You will pull yourself up by your bootstraps, because even if you came in here dainty as a poodle, by God you will leave here a soldier. Now move!"

"Sir, yes sir!" Steve snapped off a perfect salute that only made Colonel Phillips scoff at him before turning away to harass someone else. Carter caught his gaze and very deliberately rolled his eyes. Steve couldn't quite keep himself from grinning, and he just offered a shrug before diving back into PT with as much vigor as he could manage.

~.~.~

_Dear Steve,_

_We got your letters today - I can hardly believe you have enough time to write to each of us individually. Shouldn't you be busy marching and shooting things? I did appreciate your drawings, and no, the baby hasn't come yet. Well, not as I'm writing this, anyway, which is why it will be short. If he hasn't joined us by the time you get this letter I'll be demanding the doctor evacuate him by force._

_And yes, I'm still sure it's a boy no matter what Mémère says about the way I'm carrying him._

_We miss you, but we're proud of you. Send Bucky our love as well. I'm glad to know you have someone looking out for you while we can't. Rebecca stops over often and Lisa is always giggling and getting into trouble with Rachel. Please stop encouraging Lisa when it comes to that David boy. She's going to get herself in trouble, Steve. Sweet words whispered in the dark aren't enough, no matter how in love she thinks she is. I don't care how nice her young man seems, she shouldn't be spending so much time alone with him until he offers her something more solid than 'someday'._

_Maybe I'm judging him too harshly. I just wish I'd listened to all the warnings people were giving while I was stepping out with Bobby. I don't know. Maybe I'll feel more tolerant once this baby is finally out of me and where I can hug him._

_Sending you my best and all my love,_

_Susan_

~.~.~

Bucky loved his cartoons about as much as Arnie and his G.O.G. did, so a lot of Steve's downtime involved doodling little comics that related to life at Camp Leigh. The ones that hinted at the more classified parts of the army's work went to Bucky, while the ones where Steve mostly made fun of how out of place he was went to the girls. Arnie mostly wasn't writing back - which was probably for the best since they were all still fibbing about Steve’s whereabouts and what he was doing. Steve still sent regular drawings of Arnie doing heroic things. It was nice to have something to do besides reading and missing Tony.

He missed STAR too, even if the robot was with him. They didn't get much of an opportunity to talk anymore, not with his every move visible to upwards of twenty people most of the time. It wasn't often that he got a chance to 'sneak away' to find privacy enough to talk. Sometimes he'd wake up to find notes from her under his pillow though, and he left her plenty as well. It wasn't perfect, but they only had a few more weeks left - he was sure things would get better once he was Captain America. And if he got lucky enough to get command of a group like the Howling Commandos, he was pretty sure he'd be able to trust them with the secret of his best girl.

Until then, however, the handful of minutes a week he got to spend with her had to be enough.

"I think you should start watching your back, Steve," she said softly, perched on his shoulder in the dark. The little bot had even dimmed her eyes and the other parts of her that shone to keep her as covert as possible. "I've heard the way they talk about you--"

"'S just talkin'," he argued back, voice just barely over a whisper. "They don't like me much b'sides Buck and that's just fine. Most of 'em are bullies anyhow."

"Which is why you need to be careful," she said in a tone that suggested she found his intelligence lacking. "Phillips and Erskine have sent ten men home already - good, strong men, and some of them were officers. Having you still here... some of the men don't like it. They've talked about it when you're not around, and they aren't happy. They might try to resort to hurting you to get you out of the program. I'm not saying you should quit or start cringing at every shadow, just - be careful, Steve. I couldn't stand it if you got hurt."

Warmth spread through him, and he lifted his hand to run one finger over her head and down her back. "I know how ya feel, starry skies. I worry 'bout ya just as much. I'll be careful, okay? Buck's around most-a the time, and I'll keep a eye out when he ain't, promise. We still got a lot-a work ta do'n I won't let no jealous recruits keep me from it. 'S almost over, Starlight. Then we'll be off ta Europe ta start savin' the day."

"Hmph. Unless we have to travel the country selling war bonds first," STAR muttered, curling up tighter against his neck in a pout. "I'm going to hate that, Steve. We're meant to be fighting, not dancing."

"Bonds're important," he said with a shrug. "If we gotta sell those for a bit b'fore headin' over, I'll do it. Anythin' ta help our boys in uniform."

"I don't like how optimistic you are. It really makes me want to look on the bright side of things and I was designed to be realistic."

"I like ya the way ya are. So ya can stay just as realistic'n gloomy as ya want - balances me out."

"Hm. You should get to bed, Steve. Tomorrow is going to be a long day. Do you want to see a few pictures before you do?"

"... yeah," he whispered, voice turning rough. "Just a couple'd be nice."

Steve held up his hand so she could hop down into it. Once she was settled, he cupped his other hand over her so too much light wouldn't escape. He spent the next five minutes or so lost in his memories and pictures of Tony and the boys. It amplified the ache in his heart, but at the same time it soothed something in his soul to see his... well. His family. And if he maybe shed a few tears, it wasn't anybody's business but his own.

~.~.~

_Steve,_

_Susan had the baby!!! He's the most beautiful baby ever, with ten toes, ten fingers, and the bluest eyes I've ever seen apart from yours. Don't you rat me out and say I told you, but Rose even CRIED! Can you believe it? I've only ever seen her teary twice, when Arnie left and when you did. Most other times she's a rock, but oh, the magic of a baby coming into the world was enough to melt even her heart._

_His name is Brian Andrew, and he's just the most perfect baby ever born._

_Now I bet YOU'RE all teary, because yes, the 'Brian' is for you. Susan's just lucky enough to be the first to get to use it. You saved her and Rose, you know, and you gave the rest of us a family. All of us will have babies named 'Brian', 'Steven', 'Sara' or 'William'. I've claimed the name 'Anthony' for myself. We'll call him Tony, and nobody will ever forget either of you._

_I'm mostly writing to give you the good news, because the other girls are busy. Rose and Mémère are always fussing - our Mémère has so many suggestions I think Susan wants to scream at her. Lisa is busy with David. I shouldn't have let her go off with him, I suppose. Rose would have talked her out of it, that's for sure. But he's such a nice man, Steve, and he looks at her like she shines brighter than all the stars in the sky._

_I know that they could be courting trouble, and that just because we're fighting a war with the Germans doesn't mean everyone is tolerant of Jews. Still, I can't help but hope that they go all the way. I want to dance at their wedding with some handsome soldier that you send to sweep me off my feet. I prefer men with dark hair, so keep an eye out!_

_I send my thoughts, prayers and love to you, Arnie and Bucky every day. I miss Starlight as well, and I wish I was able to exchange letters with her too. Maybe someday we can do that. What do you think, Steve?_

_Take care of yourself out there, Stevie. We all miss you, and we're so very proud of you._

_Your girl,_

_Melinda_

~.~.~

It was during the next run-through of the obstacle course that the truth of STAR's words really hit home. Parts of it were supposed to be cooperative - it was important to get a good time as an individual, but it was just as important that the whole group managed to cross the finish line in a timely fashion. Usually at least a few other guys besides Bucky would stop and give him a hand here and there, mostly when he was too short to easily complete the task. He'd been getting faster and stronger, but even Erskine's diet wasn't enough to give him any extra inches.

Those few friendly (ish, as Tony would say, friendly-ish) faces had all been boxed out, however. Steve was surrounded by a bunch of guys who usually didn't even have the time of day to give him, and it put his back up something awful. Even Bucky had been edged out unless he wanted to start a brawl to get to him - from the stormy look on his face whenever Steve managed to catch sight of him, his friend was thinking of doing just that.

For the first few obstacles, his... 'friends' didn't interfere, and one even offered him a hand up off the ground after Steve finished crawling under the wire. After that, though, it seemed like all bets were off. Elbows kept nearly cracking him in the face, and several landed blows on his stomach and arms. He was gonna have some bruises, and if they kept hitting him good enough he might throw up, but he hadn't complained once. Steve supposed there was something to be proud of in that.

Colonel Phillips was hollering something, but Steve couldn't really make out what it was - not over the sound of his own breath, booted feet running over packed dirt, and the hisses of 'go home' and 'you don't belong here' that kept being thrown his way. Steve didn't dignify any of them with a response, just threw himself into completing every task in front of him. He just had to get through this, and then he'd handle the goons trying to get him out of the running.

Finishing his mission was more important than picking a fight.

When they got to the part of the course that held the rings, though, Steve knew things were gonna get worse before they got better. He was usually okay once he got started, but that 'starting out' part was where he had a lot of trouble. Usually somebody helped him get the first two rings under his belt, holding him up until his grip was firm. He was pretty sure the fellas surrounding him had no intention of really coming to his aid.

Sure, one of them grabbed his legs and hoisted him up into the air, but Steve hardly had one fist around a ring before Owens let go. Being in the army had taught him how to fall, at least, so as the pack of hyenas around him chortled, he tucked his body tight the way he'd been shown and braced for the impact. It hurt, but not as bad as it could have. Colonel Phillips was shouting in the distance again, and he heard a couple 'knock it off's and 'grow up's as other men started to cross the rings.

None of them stopped to help though, maybe because there were only a few of them and almost ten guys ready to defend their right to bully Steve out of the running. Buck was three, almost four obstacles ahead of them, and turning back would hurt his time immensely. He _always_ had the best time out of all of them, and he was damn proud of it. Steve hoped he wouldn't look back and decide to change that on his account.

Because yeah, maybe he got dropped the next time too, but at least he'd gotten both hands on a ring that time, and he'd almost hung on. A time or two more and he'd be fine to cross... assuming they didn't sabotage him on the way over too. Well, they definitely would, but Steve'd do his best to make sure they didn't succeed.

The next time he hit the ground, his mouth wasn't quite ready; his teeth clacked in just the wrong way, clamping down on his lower lip hard enough to make it start bleeding. He ignored the ribbing his fellow recruits gave him, focusing instead on his anger, his heartbeat, and the rings swinging over his head.

Maybe he hadn't been given the serum yet, but Erskine had helped him find new limits week after week. His asthma had started to clear up, he felt stronger, and he was a hell of a lot faster. His hearing still wasn't the best, but his spine seemed to be straightening and his eyesight was clearing... so maybe it was time to try this obstacle on his own again.

Ignoring the next attempt to lift him, Steve climbed the platform most of the guys used to get started instead. The first few rings were close enough that most of the recruits had no trouble grabbing them - it was just that he was too short and his arms didn't have enough length to make up for that. He'd face-planted, hard the first time he had tried, and since then had been too embarrassed to go that route anymore.

But Erskine had helped him push himself farther than he'd ever dreamed of going on his own. It was time to try again.

Steve hunkered down, eyes fixed on one ring in particular, then took a running start. People were already shouting and laughing by the time he pushed off that wooden platform, but he didn't pay them any mind. If he gave way every time anyone said the odds were impossible, he would never have made it home from the hospital after being born.

For just a second as he flew through the air, a new, wonderful feeling took root inside of him. He felt confident, sure of himself and his body - the latter for the first time ever - and he just _knew_ that he was going to grab the ring. Everything inside of him said that it was true, and while his right hand was ready and waiting to grab onto it, his left got ready to get hold of the next.

And in those moments, heartbeats, nanoseconds before he hit that first ring, Steve saw the path he could take across the section in his mind. As if he was looking at it from above, he could see exactly where each ring was, and which ones he needed to grab in order to make the best time he could. He could sense how hard he needed to swing, when he would need to veer his body to the left or the right, and he just... he just _knew_.

He grabbed that first ring and time started up again. Steve wasn't nervous, not at all - he didn't even hear when the recruits around him fell into a shocked silence. Steve just went for the second ring, keeping up his momentum to swing to the next. That path his brain had mapped out was still fixed in his mind - he didn't need to hardly even look where he was going before he would let go of one ring and be grabbing the next.

It felt like flying, almost. It felt like success and victory, and Steve never wanted it to end.

Sooner than he would have liked though, his feet came down on the platform at the other side of the ring section. Everything was still and silent as he jumped off and headed for the tires. It was a section he'd never had much trouble with, but he got through it quicker than he ever had before. From the sound of pounding feet behind him, the guys who'd been hassling him had gotten over their shock and were trying to catch up.

He hit the first of the barrier walls, and for just a moment he faltered. Again he was too short, and this time he didn't have anything to provide a boost. Steve tried to jump, didn't make it, and tried again - he had a feeling that this time his fellow recruits weren't going to be quite as kind when they caught up to him. If he was just a little stronger, if he could jump just a little higher, Steve could have managed even without being the tallest guy at Camp Leigh. He oughta talk to the doc about that. Erskine might have a way to build the muscles of his legs up a little more.

Scowling at his own shortcomings, Steve tried once again... and felt calloused fingers lock around his forearm. Surprised, he looked up only to find Bucky grinning down at him - his friend had come back for him. "Such a punk," he muttered, and Bucky's grin turned shit-eating.

"Whatta ya want from me, Stevie? Ain't leavin' ya ta the crows. Now come on'n get your ass up over this wall."

"Yessir," Steve said, trying not to roll his eyes as he used Bucky's hold on him as leverage to get up over the wall. Once he was perched on top of it, one leg on each side, he looked back the way he'd come and sighed. "Better help 'em up, Buck," he muttered, firming his position as he waited for the first of the goons to get close enough.

"Have ya lost your damn mind?" Bucky demanded, though Steve was pleased to see he was waiting anyway. "I oughta be kickin' their keisters, not givin' 'em a hand up."

"Still on our side, Buck. Mebbe they ain't much more'n bullies, but they're still our boys."

Bucky was grumbling, but he still didn't leave. Didn't offer his hand to the first guy either, so Steve bent down and offered his. Most everyone who wasn't him could get up okay on their own, but having someone else help meant you did it a few seconds faster. Maybe the guy coming up on the wall didn't like Steve much, but he also knew how important it was to shave off a bit of time here and there when you could. So he grabbed hold of Steve's hand and hauled himself up with Steve's help; swearing under his breath, Bucky did the same for the next.

They really were a bunch of chuckle-heads though, because as soon as they were up, they both dropped over to the other side. "Assholes," Steve muttered, but he stayed right where he was, offering a hand up to the next guy.

"Why'd ya gotta drag me inta this?" Bucky asked beside him, clearly itching to be on his way. He wouldn't enjoy it if other guys he liked beat his time. If any of the mooks who'd been bothering Steve got across the line first he'd probably flip his wig.

"Not askin'... ya ta stay," Steve said as he pulled the next guy up; like the first, he dropped over the other side and kept right on going. "Go on'n get some glory, Buck. Run like the wind."

"Punk."

"Jerk."

"Palooka."

"Goon."

As they traded insults, Steve and Bucky got the last of the guys over that first barrier wall. Despite it all, they were both also grinning when they dropped back to the ground. Together they made it up and over the second, and then they hit the balance beams. Most of the guys they'd helped over the walls were bumbling along the lower of the two - that one was also wider, and even if it was about twice as long as the one that was lifted a few feet higher, most recruits chose that one.

He and Bucky exchanged a look as they ran, and then Buck was helping him get high enough to hit that higher beam.

Steve had always been a bit more nimble than a lot of the other guys. Being smaller, meant he had to rely on being quick if he didn't want to get beat black and blue during all the fights he picked. So while he didn't quite trust himself to full-out run across the beam, he did go a lot quicker than the guys lower and to the left. Bucky was behind him, swearing profusely again as he stayed as close to Steve's tail as he could manage.

That same feeling from earlier was hitting him, that cool confidence paired with a new insight as to how he could approach that section of the course a little differently. Once he'd jumped down from the balance beam, he headed to the rope wall at an angle instead of straight on; Bucky got there before him, but when Steve jumped at it, he wound up higher and more steady than his friend. For the first time ever, he got to the top _before_ someone, and he got to be the one to help _Bucky_ up over the top.

They helped each other through the rest of the course, and by the time they were done Steve knew it was his best time ever. Hell, there were quite a few guys still working their way through it - usually he was alone at the end with a bunch of other guys giving him grief. His chest hurt a little and there were a few aches in his limbs, but he felt better than he ever had at the end of the stupid thing.

Colonel Phillips looked like he was sucking on a lemon, Matthew was acting a bit like he wanted to cheer but was too British to show that much emotion, and Erskine was giving him a gentle smile. Steve had done good, and he couldn't help but beam at the lot of 'em before slugging Bucky in the shoulder.

"Why'd ya come back for me, ya mook?"

"Not supposed ta leave a man b'hind, are we? Not even the scrawny ones that're always flappin' their gums."

"I oughta beat ya black'n blue.

"Try it'n see how far ya get, short stack."

They kept playfully shoving and punching each other as they caught their breath and waited for the others to finish. Steve really oughta leave what happened to Colonel Phillips - he was pretty sure his CO was going to have a few words to say to the guys who'd been trying to hinder instead of help... but he had a few things to say too. Giving Bucky one last punch and a warning look, he headed over to where they were all lounging, on guard but trying to keep his posture relaxed.

"I don't much care that ya don't like me," he said once he was close enough. "Don't much like ya neither, after all. But see here - we got the same colors on, can't ya see that? We're wearin' the same uniform'n maybe I don't fill it out as much but 'm still one-a ya. So whatever problems ya got with me, whatever else ya wanna do ta... I dunno, put me in my place or what have ya, keep it outta trainin'. When we're out there we ain't just competin' ta be chosen for the program. We're a damn team, so mebbe ya oughta grow the hell up'n start actin' like it."

Most of them didn't even look impressed by his attempt to talk sense, but the first two guys he'd helped over the wall did look a bit ashamed of themselves. Didn't much matter either way, but he did hope that they didn't act that way with their usual units. Steve's da had painted a picture where you could count on your band of brothers no matter what went down. In his da's stories, your unit turned into family, and even when you didn't like the guy standing next to you, you had his back because you knew he had yours.

Steve had known that some of that was an exaggeration, and that not every soldier had had that same experience... but still. He'd expected more, especially since he was one of only four recruits who hadn't already been in. They should have learned better already, and if they hadn't he didn't think they'd be learning a damn thing from any lectures he gave.

Shaking his head, Steve went back to Bucky who immediately draped an arm over his shoulders and leaned against him almost hard enough to send him to the ground. Steve pinched him in retaliation, tuning out the dressing down Colonel Phillips was giving the same guys he'd tried to shame - he thought the Colonel would have a lot better luck.

There were only a few weeks left, and he was pretty sure another group had taken themselves out of the running. But as he looked up at Bucky, who was watching the Colonel yell with glee in his eyes, Steve felt a sudden pang of regret. He would miss Bucky an awful lot when this was all over. He was a good friend, smart as a whip about the stuff that mattered, and he could be serious and pretty damn funny in turns. 

Bucky would be a good Cap, Steve thought as he worried his lower lip between his teeth. In fact, if Steve weren't there he would probably have been chosen - Phillips liked him an awful lot. Maybe he didn't get the same level of individual attention from Erskine, but it was clear the doc liked him too. Even Matthew got along with him, and for the first time Steve felt bad about what he was doing.

For the first time, it didn't feel like he was reaching for his destiny.

It felt like he was stealing someone else's.

~.~.~

_Dear Stevie,_

_We just got your letter, and I don't know if I'm so proud I could bust or so worried I could cry. You're one of the only people who can get tears out of me, Steve Rogers, and I'm very upset with you about that. I suppose that at least... whatever is happening will be happening here in the city. So long as the army doesn't object you can stop in and see us so that we know you're alright._

_If the army does object, do let them know I'll be paying a visit to give them a piece of my mind._

_I know you think I can't just walk onto an army base or up to a Major or what have you, but I can assure you that I can and will. I would walk through the fires of hell for the family you helped me find, the one that you're a part of. If they try to keep me from my brother I don't think they'll have more luck than the devil would, do you?_

_Little Brian is still the sweetest, happiest baby I've had the pleasure to meet, and Susan is going to be such a good mother. Lisa and Melinda spoil him rotten, and Mémère spends most of her time knitting him little booties and hats. It's nice to have a baby in the house, even if it's a bit of a strain our finances._

_You were right and I was wrong. Relish the feeling, Stevie, because it won't happen again for decades if ever). Without the money you and Arnie send, we might easily find ourselves in trouble. With it, we may not be rich but there's always food on the table and a little bit extra to put away in case of an emergency._

_David has also begun contributing a few dollars here and there. He's come to dinner four times and it's hard to dislike him. He's so good to Lisa, and is more patient with her bouts of romanticism than I've ever been. Susan still isn't convinced, but Melinda and I agree that we shouldn't interfere. I'm less sure about the notion of her converting to another religion, but it isn't my decision to make and we all come to know God in our own way. If it will make her happy and ease her way with David's family, I can't fault her for it._

_Mémère is less understanding, and I don't think half the things she mutters in French about it should be said in mixed company._

_If you have time before you ship out, I think you should meet him. I also think you should introduce us to Bucky so we can thank him for looking after you. Becca and Rachel have told us quite a few stories that make me want to meet him even more. Between them and myself, I do believe we could have him blushing in no time._

_Bring along that Agent Carter as well, if you can. He sounds like a person I should have contact with in order to keep tabs on you._

_I hope to see you soon, even if the program you've been engaged in has changed you._

_All my love,_

_Rosie-posie._

~.~.~

Being back in New York City was strange, to say the least. Maybe it wasn't as busy as Tony's New York, but it was still a lot louder than Camp Leigh had been. He guessed at least they were in a car, though the driver wasn't as good as Happy had been. Steve was riding with Matthew, while Colonel Phillips had steered Bucky into a different vehicle while glaring at them. The Colonel was pretty clear in who was his preferred subject for Erskine's experiment. Even if the doctor had agreed to give the serum to both of them the Colonel wasn't pleased that Bucky would be sharing his moment.

Steve still thought Phillips liked him a lot more than he let on.

"... so I wouldn't worry at all about it, Steven, Dr. Erskine has told Mr. Stark to make sure both of you can get the treatment at the same time. Elsewise we'd have cranky army officials, cranky investors, and a very cranky doctor. Entirely too much crankiness, you see, so even if Stark is a bit of an ass he'll do as the doc says. Most likely. Well, if he doesn't I'll just shoot him."

Steve laughed at that, giving Matthew a playful jab to his shoulder. "No shootin' the guy makin' weapons for our boys in uniform. We gotta war ta win here, ya mook."

"What if I only shot him in the foot?"

"Well... mebbe. But me'n Buck wanna introduce ya ta our girls later'n smellin' like gunpowder isn't a good way ta impress. Well. Mebbe Rose, but only if'n ya hit what you're shootin' at. If not she'd only laugh at ya."

"Sounds like an interesting woman."

"She is, but don't you go gettin' no ideas, Agent Carter, or I'll be the one doin' the shootin'. You're marchin' off ta Europe with me'n I don't need any-a my girls pinin' that way." It was Matthew's turn to laugh, and Steve felt a smile on his own lips at the thought of seeing his G.O.G. again - he'd get to meet little Brian Andrew to boot, which was just... amazing. Becca, Rachel and Bucky were supposed to be joining them for dinner too, and Lisa was planning to bring David.

Providing he and Bucky didn't die in the next few hours, of course. Erskine said their chances were a little better than fifty-fifty. Steve had had worse odds before.

Matthew chatted at him all the way to the highly confidential location that turned out to be an antique shop. Steve didn't exactly find the place impressive, and from the look on Bucky's face when he and Phillips pulled in after them, his friend didn't either. Colonel Phillips gave them both the stink-eye, which made Matthew roll his eyes and wave them inside.

When he'd been with Tony, Steve had longed for the elevators of his time. Tony's had been strange - too new, too quiet, too smooth, too bright... too everything. Now that he was in that kind of elevator again, however, he wondered if he was insane. The openness of it was a bit terrifying, not comforting, and it rattled his bones worse than a carriage going over cobblestones. It was awful, and he maybe got off it as quick as he possibly could even if the other guys did laugh at him.

Bucky got over laughing the quickest, and his hand found its way to Steve's shoulder to deliver a quick squeeze as they walked down the hallway. "This is it, Stevie," he said quietly, sounding excited and a little nervous. "Ready ta be a super soldier?"

"Ready as I can be," Steve said honestly, shrugging one shoulder. "Gonna sting like all hell, I bet. Go ahead'n scream when it happens - promise not ta tease ya for it."

"Ya know, your cheery attitude is real good for morale. Oughta send ya ta entertain the troops - ya'd get more smiles than even the dancin' girls." Grinning, Steve gave Bucky one hard shove... and then they were in the underground lab where their lives would change forever.

Steve got his first look at Howard Stark then, and he decided immediately that he didn't look like much. Sure he was supposed to be brilliant, but he didn't seem very kind. He was looking at Steve and Bucky like they weren't anything more than lab rats, without any of the care or concern that Erskine and even Colonel Phillips had displayed. He was all flash and hard angles, with none of the sweetness in his eyes that had lain at the heart of Tony's gaze.

Steve figured maybe Jarvis, whoever he was, had helped Tony be more than sharp intelligence and sharper words. He hoped he would get to meet the guy someday.

Things progressed a lot like in the reports FRIDAY had shown Steve. There wasn't much difference at all, actually, except that him and Bucky both were getting prepped. It was hard to miss the way that Erskine was hovering over him, personally seeing to a lot of his preparations. He still checked Bucky periodically, of course, and ignored the way Colonel Phillips glared at him. As he and his assistants worked, Erskine explained the process out loud, both for the audience of brass and investors and for the recorder.

He used a lot of big words that Steve didn't understand, but Steve picked up on bits and pieces of it. STAR had been right about the diet and exercise regimens - they were meant to start the process, and if he and Bucky maintained the lifestyle change it would boost their strength and stamina to even higher levels.

When Erskine started going on about needles and how many injections there were going to be, Steve swallowed hard and reached into his pocket to play with STAR; she'd insisted on being allowed to stay with him, and Erskine had said that there would be no danger to his good luck charm. He and Bucky exchanged 'good luck' smiles that they would probably never admit were also full of fear... and then it was time.

Being locked up something even more like a metal coffin than Tony's elevator had his heart pounding a lot harder than usual. "STAR? I'm scared," he whispered, and he felt her transform while Erskine and Stark debated over how fast they should be exposed to the Vita-Rays. His little robot wrapped herself around his hand in a way that he probably wouldn't be able to break her if this worked and he held on tight; Steve was so thankful for his best girl that tears pricked his eyes.

Being hit by that many needles at one time made him want to shout, but he just went stiff with tension and hit his head against the hard surface behind it instead. There'd be time for screaming later - Rogers had put in his reports that he hadn't known real pain until the Vita-Rays hit him.

Though he thought the guy might be crazy, because it felt like the serum was eating through his blood and muscles like acid. Grunting, he slammed his head back against the metal again, trying to find a pain that was grounding instead of searing. STAR held on tighter, but a few seconds later he couldn't even feel her anymore, not with the way the serum was stripping every last part of him away before something greater could be built.

Steve thought he could make out the faint sounds of Bucky groaning in pain, and he spared a thought to hope that his friend would make it through this. Loki hadn't ever said anything about two Captain Americas, and he was afraid that only one of them was going to survive the awful, painful process. It was like being unraveled, and Steve almost wondered if Erskine had gotten something wrong - he was being made weaker, not stronger.

A few heartbeats later he let out his first shout as more heat and pain seared through him. His body convulsed and bulged grotesquely as it fought to accommodate the serum, and he couldn't stop tears from streaming down his face. Steve was going to be ripped in two or maybe even more pieces, he was sure of it. Everything was growing and tearing and knitting back together, and Steve was sure he was going to die. He had to be dying - no one's body could go through so much, fight itself so hard, and keep on living.

Then the Vita-Rays hit, and Steve began to _scream_.

He could hear Bucky doing the same, and it gave him something to hold onto. It reminded him that STAR was still with him and Erskine was still watching over them - this would work. The Vita-Rays were meant to give his body everything it needed to accommodate the way he was changing. The pain doubled, tripled and then kept right on getting worse.

Apparently the way he and Bucky were screaming unnerved Erskine - he was shouting for Stark to stop. "Don't ya fuckin' dare!" he heard Bucky half snarl, half bellow. Steve agreed - if they stopped now, all the pain that he was already going through might be for nothing.

He'd have left Tony for nothing.

"We're fine! Keep goin'!" he demanded, _refusing_ to fail this last test.

It felt like the pain went on forever after that, intensifying and never letting him pass out. It was like a living thing, devouring Steve until he was a hollowed-out husk, until there was nothing left but bones and the creature that was gnawing on them. All that existed outside that pain was the sound of the screaming still ripping itself free of his raw throat that mingled with the wounded shouting of someone else - someone important that Steve just couldn't remember at that moment.

Then... then it was over.

The blinding light faded before the throbbing pinpricks that were still running over his whole body. Everything hurt, sharper and clearer than anything else he'd felt in his whole life. Riding the edge of that was the rush of adrenaline Erskine had warned him about, almost enough to make him go weak-kneed in a way nobody and nothing but Tony had ever made him before. And he could... he could _breathe_. Not the same labored way he always had either, where it felt like he needed to take two breaths to get as much air as most people got in one.

His casket opened, and Steve stumbled out - Matthew caught him, murmuring something in his ear. Steve couldn't catch it, not above the ringing in his ears, the humming of the machinery, the breath of everyone in the room, the feet pacing the floor above them, the mice living in the walls, the dull roar that was the city. Anything small got lost in all the shuffle, leaving him feeling oddly more deaf than he'd been when one of his ears hardly worked at all.

He went to rub at both, stopping when he felt STAR (in her compass form, thank God) knock against the right. He stared at her stupidly, sure he could see every tiny crack that showed where things would shift when she changed forms, the grain in the metal, the precise cuts of the words Tony had etched there for him, the sheen of the transparent overlay that he usually never noticed unless she was a robot.

Hands were on his shoulder, and he _still_ had to look _up_ at Erskine. But his hearing, his sight, his breathing... it had to have worked. It just had to have. Afraid to glance down at himself, he looked to Bucky instead, who just happened to meet his eyes at the same time, looking just as dazed and out of sorts as Steve felt. Phillips was beside him, grinning and pounding his back in victory - Bucky was clearly a little taller, and he'd filled out in ways that would have had Steve panting and eager to touch before he'd lost his heart to Tony.

When he finally gathered his courage to look down at his own body, he felt his breath catch as his eyes went wide - it had _worked_. Maybe not the same way as it had on Steven Grant Rogers, but the serum had absolutely worked. He had actual muscles, lither and leaner than Bucky's, but still undeniably there. It was like instead of growing out everything had compacted, and he felt... _powerful_.

There was something he should be on the lookout for, he thought. Wasn't there? Something terrible that he couldn't think of, not overwhelmed by sounds, sights and Mary Mother of God, the smells that surrounded him. He was still blinking and trying to find his bearings, Matthew half-supporting him, when he heard a strange 'click' that reminded him. "Get down!" he shouted, trying to lunge for Erskine, hoping to put his body between the doctor's and the bullets that would soon be flying. 

But his body was still so new, and when he tried to walk on its legs, he faltered, strength and agility failing him in this one, crucial moment.

Steve nearly crashed to the floor but managed to remain upright; a heartbeat after his warning the box where the brass and investors had been watching exploded. He stumbled towards Erskine as quickly as he could, and he felt a bullet clip his right bicep. The sudden, stinging pain was enough to make him fumble STAR, and the disguised robot tumbled to the ground. It distracted him for just a second, his worry for her, and when he looked back up it was just in time to see blood blooming on Erskine's white shirt and lab coat.

When he caught the man, they both went to the ground, Steve already trying desperately to put a stop to the bleeding. Sure the doc was a little older, but he followed some of his own methods to keep healthy. If Steve could staunch the bleeding and they could get the bullets out, he could make it. Steve could make this right; he could save the man who'd believed he could be _more_.

As he tore off Erskine's lab coat to make a rough bandage, he realized that the man who had shot Erskine had stolen something and was getting away. "Buck!" he shouted, hoping his friend would hear him over the chaos that was assailing his own senses. "He's gettin' away! Don't let him run!"

Still hoping that he might be able to save the man's life, Steve dared only a quick glance to the stairs while he ripped the coat into bandages. Bucky was off and running, tripping over his feet the same way Steve had done. His friend would catch the culprit and-- _fuck_ , he hadn't said anything about the poison that might be hiding in the man's teeth. God, he'd only been a super soldier a few minutes and he was already ruining everything he'd so wanted to save.

Why hadn't he warned Erskine?

"Steve... Steve, no," the doctor whispered brokenly, trying to push Steve's hands away. "Better... this way. Nobody knows... nobody knows." This Erskine hadn't written the formula down either, Steve realized. The key ingredient to creating a 'super soldier' was locked away in his brain, and people would spend decades trying and failing to replicate it.

Erskine's actual work would never fall into the wrong hands again.

"Your... fight no-ow," Erskine continued, one hand grabbing Steve's bicep, fingers digging in like talons. "You stop them. Help s-s-save my people. ... tired. Let me go, Steve," he added, giving one last gentle, kind smile. "Let go."

Even though it cut him to the core and put a lump in his throat he couldn't swallow around, Steve nodded. Hot tears pricked at his eyes when he let his hands drop, then lifted one to take hold of Erskine's. "Thanks doc," he said softly, keeping their gazes locked. "Ya did it - ya made me'n Buck somethin' great."

Erskine's hand spasmed, and his mouth opened like he wanted to say something; all that escaped was a groan before he slumped a little, strength clearly leaving him. "We'll stop 'em, doc. Me'n Buck'll stop Hydra and that Schmidt fella," he watched Erskine's eyes go wide, because the doctor hadn't shared that much with Steve in this life. "'N I swear ta God I'll liberate every camp I can on the way. Rest, Erskine. Ya earned it."

It took a little while longer for the man to die, and though he was pulled away by a few other people who tried to save him, their eyes never wavered from each other. It wasn't until his fluttered shut, one last, quiet sigh escaping, that the connection was broken. Abraham Erskine was dead, and Steve was already left in the tatters of his new life.

He didn't know how long it was before Bucky came back, but when he looked up into his friends sharp, haunted eyes, he knew. The Hydra spy had killed himself, whatever he'd stolen was destroyed, and a day of triumph had been completely lost to tragedy.

Steve had known that talking about what he knew could be dangerous. He and STAR had discussed it, debated on what to say to who, and had ultimately decided that their own hands were the best ones. They were so sure they could keep everyone safe without doing or saying anything that would change this world's future for the worse. They had decided to keep mum and stake the future on Steve's ability to intervene.

As Steve fished her out of some debris on the floor, he felt the weight of Erskine's death settle around his shoulders. He could have stopped it - he could have saved the man. If he'd just _warned_ him, or come up with a real plan, or... or said something to Bucky... but no. He'd arrogantly assumed that since Loki had gone through so much trouble to get him to this point in history that he would be enough. Steve had decided that he alone was responsible for saving the world, and it had gone terribly, terribly wrong.

As he met Bucky's eyes again, he resolved to let one more person in on at least some of his secrets before the night was through. Maybe there wasn't supposed to be two 'Captain America's, but that's what they had ended up with. He didn't have to do this alone. If he let Bucky in, they could shoulder the weight together, keep each other in check, and hopefully (please God, please) save more than they lost in the future.

Ignoring the glass that cracked under his feet and the way Colonel Phillips was demanding an explanation, Steve headed for his fellow super soldier, clapping him on the shoulder once he had. They were both still shirtless, sockless, shoeless messes and Steve’s right arm was still sluggishly bleeding. They were burdened with the sorrow of loss and the pain of transformation, and the army could go suck an egg for a while so they could have some space to recover.

"Dunno if we can get drunk anymore... but we gotta couple-a hours b'fore we gotta meet our girls. 'S more than enough time ta find out."

Bucky blinked, long and slow, and then a ghost of a smile curved his lips. "Yeah. 'N even if we can, the girls'll forgive us. Carter! Get yer ass up here'n join us."

Phillips was bellowing again as a shaken Agent Matthew Carter climbed the stairs to join them. They'd pay for it later, Steve was sure, but the army needed them - nothing worse than a lecture and maybe an official complaint filed in their records would happen. Probably. Even if it did, Phillips could damn well wait another day to hand the sentence down.

That night was for remembering, mourning, and family.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks so much to my lovely beta, KiernaSerea, who catches so many of the things that I don't. Any remaining errors are all mine.
> 
> This fic will continue to be updated on Wednesdays, but! Every other Wednesday will be a shorter chapter, so I will also post shorts that will occur either during the 'Repair and Reconnect' story or that happen during this one. Because a chapter under 5k words feels super-short to me, because I am a crazy person.
> 
> I have a [Tumblr](http://tahlreth.tumblr.com) where I reblog shit and almost never tag it. Plus you can feel free to throw prompts at me, or ask me questions about this series. I have a pretty extensive log of notes, so yeah. XD Totes willing to answer questions.
> 
> Once again, many thanks for reading my story. <3


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This was supposed to be up yesterday, and I feel soooo bad that it wasn't. ;.; But I was at my mom's and the wifi there is down, and I hit my data limit on my phone at like, 5am yesterday morning. ;.; At my house now for a brief check-in with my cat, so I'll put it up now!
> 
> Sorry it's short, every other chapter will be for a bit. I had planned to get a short done to post concurrently, but after the clusterfuck that was my internet situation at my mom's it just didn't get done. ;.; I'll try to post one on Saturday or Sunday instead.
> 
> Thanks for reading! :D

Steve dreamed of Tony constantly - even asleep, the man he loved was never far from his mind. Most were soft and sweet, with edges that bled into each other like watercolor paintings. There was little substance or meaning, just the echo of his lover's presence to provide him with some small comfort. He loved and hated the dreams in equal measure, because while it was nice to feel close to Tony, he _hated_ the moments after waking when he had to remember that he'd never really see Tony again.

This dream was nothing like the others.

Everything was in sharp relief, crystal clear the way things were in the real world now that he'd been injected with the serum. Steve knew it was a dream - knew that as well as he knew his own name and Tony's face. The way it seemed so close to the waking world would probably make it hurt even more later, when he woke up and remembered that he was alone. In the moment though, all he wanted to do was wrap his lover up in a hug and hold him tight.

He tried to do just that, sprinting toward Tony... who didn't react at all, didn't even seem to see him. When he got close enough to try and touch him, Steve only passed through Tony's body, and it _hurt_. It hurt to be a ghost in the scene, one that he thought came from Tony's reality.

If this was Loki's way of trying to make things better Steve was going to punch him square on the chin the next time he saw the 'god'. The need to touch his lover was a physical ache in his chest, and this was somehow worse than not being able to see Tony at all.

With nothing to do but watch, Steve finally started paying attention to his surroundings instead of focusing exclusively on the fact that Tony was there. There and dressed to kill, in a sharp gray suit that made him look confident and powerful. Steve might have been projecting, but he thought he could detect grief in the slight slump of Tony's shoulders despite that.

At a round table in front of Tony sat the Avengers - it was... strange to be looking at that other version of himself. Strange and painful, because Rogers could reach out and touch his fella if he wanted while Steve couldn't. Not that Rogers looked inclined to do so, which was a small mercy. Rogers' expression was stern but otherwise neutral as he watched Tony, none of the warmth or yearning that Tony displayed in his gaze. That was worse in some ways, because it left Steve with the impression that Rogers didn't think much of Tony at all.

Nat was at his left, and she at least was smiling a little at his fella. She was watching Tony with studied attention, hands folded demurely in front of her on the table. On her other side was Rhodey who looked curiously... sad and resigned. To the right of Rogers was another black man that Steve remembered was called Sam - the Falcon. Sam looked even less impressed than Rogers did, arms crossed over his chest in a gesture that looked vaguely forbidding. The last person at the table wasn't a human at all, and Steve wished even more that he could wrap his arms around Tony and whisper reassuring words in his ears. It had to be hard for Tony, interacting with the android that wasn't JARVIS.

"It's not that I don't appreciate the offer, Tony," Rogers said, the first sound to make itself clear to Steve. For just a moment Rogers smiled, and Steve wasn't imagining the way it made Tony straighten up, some of the tension draining from him. It made Steve scowl, the way the smallest sign of approval made his guy perk up like a puppy who was waiting for a treat. "But I thought you wanted to be done with the Avengers."

"I thought that was what I wanted too, Capsicle. And I do want to keep Iron Man in retirement, unless something big pops up. But - no offense to all of you, because you try really hard and it's kind of adorably pathetic - you don't have anyone who can really hold up well under media pressure. None of you know how to play the game--"

"Oh, but you do, don't you Stark?" Sam asked, the question sounding just a little aggressive to Steve. Maybe Rogers heard it too, because he set a hand on Sam's shoulder which made him lean back in his chair. He kept his arms crossed over his chest, but some of the tension leaked out of his frame.

The tension had come back to _Tony's_ frame full-force, however, and Steve was sure he'd be wearing the smile Steve had seen on his lips in so many of the press conferences Fri had shown him. "Yes, I do. I've been playing it since I was four, and you _need_ someone like that on your side. Right now the public is still pretty split in their opinion of the Avengers, though the approval side of things maintains an edge. Every time we fuck up, we lose some of the people who are on our side. And we fuck up a lo--"

Suddenly the door slammed open, and a young woman entered the room, looking a little out of breath. "Sorry, Steve," she said with a lilting accent as everyone looked over at her. Tony had gone absolutely rigid and had even taken a few steps back; Steve noticed him slide a hand in his pocket to toy with something there. "I thought I would be back in time, but with traffic... oh. Stark. Hello."

"Wanda," Tony said evenly, and Steve turned to the woman and growled. It was a useless gesture probably, but he still needed to do it for his own peace of mind. She had _hurt_ Tony, torn him apart in a way that wasn't obvious despite the ruin she had left in her wake. Rhodey seemed just as on edge, but everyone else (besides Vision) was smiling at the girl. Even the android's expression had softened a little, becoming something a little more human as she approached and dropped into the empty chair next to him. "Sorry we started without you, but I have a meeting later that I need to be on time for."

"I would have thought you were important enough to push it back," she returned, polite on the surface but with rage buried deep in her eyes. Tony let out a strained laugh and shook his head, shrugging at the same time.

"Not exactly. Pep assures me that if I don't show up to this one my company will implode. So not to be rude, but getting back to business. I don't want to come back as an active member of the Avengers, Cap," and Mary Mother of God he was a terrible person for being so thankful that Tony didn't call the other him 'Steve'. "But everyone knows that I donated this facility, that I'm bankrolling the Avengers since SHIELD is still out of the picture publicly--"

"Which you really don't have to do, Tony. We could make it on our own," Rogers said, frowning over at Rhodey when he audibly scoffed. Steve agreed with Rhodey there, because from what he'd seen things in the future were _expensive_. Taking care of a superhero team had to cost an amount of money that would make Steve faint from shock. He couldn't see how the Avengers, none of whom had a regular job as far as he could tell, would manage without someone footing the bill. They were damn lucky that it was Tony who was doing it - he'd die before he took advantage of the situation.

"... yeah, right, sure," Tony said instead of arguing, which Steve found deeply irritating. "But I've got more money than I can spend even after taking responsibility for all the reconstruction costs, so I might as well."

"Blood money turned to good use, at least," Wanda muttered. Steve very briefly hated all of them for pretending not to hear. He couldn't do much, but he still prowled towards her, glaring and clenching his fists. It was wrong of him, maybe, to want to lay his hands on a women, so he focused instead on how he wanted to plant himself firmly between her and Tony. If they'd ever met in person he wouldn't have attacked first, but he sure as shit would have done his best to protect his fella from her. 

When he got close, she didn't seem to see him any more than the rest of the room did, but she _sensed_ him in a way everyone else didn't. He watched her shiver, then look over her shoulder, searching for the source. Steve took perverse delight in the discomfort he was causing, and decided he was happy to lurk at her back, sending malice her way.

"... anyway. People know I pay for things, and that I still do a lot of work on all of your equipment. So to them, I'm still part of the team - I wouldn't mind making that true. I know how to spin a story, Cap, and while I can't make the whole world love us or what we do I _would_ be able to absorb a lot of the negative attention. That would leave you guys more time and freedom to do the stuff that matters. Come on, Cap, the cameras love me, people in the media love to hate me, and I know how to do this. Let me take over being the public face of the Avengers, at least for a while. At least until we're on firmer ground, until we can go a few months or even a year without a major catastrophe."

Steve didn't get to fully see the reaction to that - though he noticed Rogers looked thoughtful and Wanda was saying something snide again. Everything had started to bleed together, darkness on the edges of his vision. He felt a little dizzy, faint even, and he knew his time as a ghost in Tony's world was almost done. It was strange to stumble, after so many weeks in his new body, but he kept tripping over his own feet as he went to Tony as fast as he could.

Tony wouldn't hear it, wouldn't feel it... but Steve still put his lips close to Tony's cheek in a sad parody of a kiss. "I love you," he whispered as his vision started to go completely dark. As his consciousness faded, Steve let himself believe that the sentiment reached his fella, and that Tony would know that Steve would never stop loving him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Many thanks to my lovely beta, KiernaSerea. <3 She's super awesome. <3


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Back on track for Wednesday postings. :D Bam.
> 
> Thanks for reading! Hope you enjoy. <3

_Stevie -_

_Mah Ha'Inyanim? I probably wrote that all wrong and got masculine and feminine mixed up - Hebrew is so much harder than French ever was! But I need to practice. Learning Hebrew isn't mandatory, exactly, but it feels... right, I guess. I'll never be much good at it, probably, but I'd like to be able to understand the prayers without David or his mother whispering translations into my ear. Someday I would like to be able to teach our children to speak the prayers in the proper tongue. Esther says I am doing well for a gentile, which I'm pretty sure is supposed to be a compliment. Anyway. What I wrote should mean 'how are you doing', but I'm not completely sure if I got it right._

_I hope that even if I didn't, the answer is the same. I hope you're doing well, that you haven't been shot by any of those awful Nazis, and that the boys in your unit are happy and healthy. I'm sure that Bucky is doing just fine. Rachel lets me read his letters, you know. I think he might be an awful scamp, Stevie, so you look out for all those war widows that are probably moping about the European countryside._

_That sounded terribly insensitive of me, didn't it? Sorry. I only mean that there are sure to be as many lonely women on that front as there are on this one. It would be easy to take advantage, I think, even without meaning to._

_I'm only making it worse, so I'm going to talk about something else. Oh! I showed David that little drawing you did, the one of me wearing a Star of David necklace, and he loved it. He said it was one of the best drawings he'd ever seen, and he wonders if you could work off of photographs? Aaron will be leaving soon, you see, way before you can come home. But if I sent you a photograph, could you draw something of the whole family? Maybe a few things? They're afraid of losing him and not having enough to remember him by._

_I stumble from morbid thought to morbid thought._

_This war makes it so hard to stay positive, Stevie, and I'm not even fighting it. Hell, I'm an ocean away and it still seems to be finding ways to rip me up inside._

_David keeps me smiling though. I meet him everyday after I'm done with work at the factory. He's still so wonderful, Stevie, and I wish you could have really met and spent time with him before leaving. I know you two would get along famously, and he and his family would be happy to meet my brother - even one not of my blood. I do love him and he loves me, and I don't care if everyone thinks we're moving too fast. My soul knows his, Stevie, and I know we were meant to be. Melly is the only one who seems to be completely supportive of us - besides you, of course - and it hurts to have the other girls seem so lukewarm. At least Mémère has stopped muttering obscenities in French when he stops by._

Little Brian is still the most adorable thing on the face of the planet, but I'm sure Susan gushes about him endlessly, so I won't say much. 

_I love you and miss you, and I hope to see you soon._

_Lisa_

~.~.~

William Rogers hadn't only told his son about the heroic acts of soldiers and the ways they had become brothers to each other. Sprinkled in among those stories, much to Sara's dismay, had been the gritty details of war. Before he had been old enough to understand what any of it really meant, he had known what mustard gas could do to a man. He had learned young that artillery shells could blast apart the earth as well as they could rip into human flesh. His da had told him stories about how sometimes those craters would fill with water, and if you looked down into them you could see the dead staring right back. 

Steve’s da had made sure he knew that there were worse things than death, like shrapnel embedded in the skull that left you alive but took away essential parts of who you were, left you less able to care for yourself than a child. William had made it clear that war changed a man, changed him down to his very soul. It didn't take a genius to figure out that even without such an injury his da had come back missing something.

So Steve had never bought into the idea that war was all glory and valor. He'd known there was a darker, messier, uglier side to it that rarely made it home to waiting wives and children. He had tried to prepare himself for it, tried to remember how some of the things his da had told him had haunted his dreams. 

Nothing could have prepared him for the reality of war.

With Bucky standing at his side, Colonel Phillips was willing to take a chance on throwing them into the field. Only after some pretty extensive testing - and the ones regarding their healing factors had _hurt_ \- but still. He hadn't been relegated to bond sales, and was instead sent right into the thick of things. 

It didn't take a week before he was holding a fellow soldier together as best he could, gunfire flashing around them with him yelling for a medic as Bucky held the line in front of them. Steve was out of the fight because he couldn’t bear to leave the soldier - Robertson, his last name had been Robertson - alone while he slowly bled out into the mud.

It was their squad's first loss, and Steve took it harder than he probably should have. STAR, who had changed for Robertson's last moments and cuddled against the poor schmuck's neck, took it even harder. He and Bucky took the rest of their boys out drinking when they finally made it back to base. Colonel Phillips just about had an aneurysm shouting at the pair of them when they came back in. He and Buck took it without flinching, because they knew morale was more important than just about anything.

Before that, the boys had mostly just called them Sergeant Barnes and Private Rogers. The higher ranked ones had just about growled every time they had to take an order from someone with a ‘Private’ in front of their last name. After that fight though, they started calling Bucky 'Sergeant Valor' as a code name which Bucky hated and loved in equal measure. Steve didn't mind that he was still just ‘Private Rogers’ - his friend had been leading from the front while he comforted a dying man behind that line. He just wondered when he would become 'Captain America'.

He hated the thought that maybe skipping out on selling war bonds meant he'd miss out on the name. He'd kinda liked it.

The army was still keeping them pretty tightly under wraps, even as he and Bucky were fighting for their country. The soldiers they were in command of knew only a little bit, and they were pretty sure that Buck was the only one who was some kind of super soldier. They also seemed to think Buck kept him around as a mascot or something.

Steve minded that a little bit more than his lack of the title 'Captain America'. He couldn't blame them though, not really. They weren't there during strategy meetings - they didn't see the way Buck deferred to him when it came to planning out their maneuvers. Their boys didn't watch the way even Colonel Phillips would reluctantly admit that Steve's approaches were more creative and more apt to be successful than whatever would have been normal army protocol. None of the soldiers knew that he had STAR, who could plan circles around all of them, who was using all the wisdom she and Steve had gained from Tony's future to try and keep them all safe.

They only saw their Sergeant Valor handing down the orders, because he _was_ ranked higher than Steve. They saw the way Bucky led the charge, because Steve would rather keep to the rear where he could watch all their backs. So far none of their missions had required either of them to really demonstrate their abilities, so for them Steve was just a short private that Sergeant Valor had taken a liking to.

It probably would have stayed that way until the war ended if it hadn't been for Howard Stark.

~.~.~

_Stevie, you little shit,_

_What the hell do you think you're doing, signing up and shipping out to fight in this goddamn war? Is this why you was always hemming and hawing whenever I brought it up? Were you just waiting for me to be sent off to get shot at so you could pull something stupid? I oughta wring your neck, you bastard, but I guess then I'd be out a best friend._

_War makes you realize how important friends are._

_So I guess I won't kill you, but if I ever come across you over here in Europe, I will kick your ass. Don't care what you know from your little trip to see your love, it doesn't excuse you being a complete moron._

_You seen pictures of little Brian yet? Susan's sent me a couple, even did that thing where she put ink on his little feet and hands and sent me the prints on paper. He's cute as a button, and I hate that he don't have a dad to help teach him right and that poor Susan don't have anybody to lean on and help out. We been talking about getting married, if I make it through the war. Always wanted me a family, and she already knows I'm an ornery bastard who swears too damned much. Seems like the best move for both of us with her so turned off to men she don't already know. What do you think, Stevie?_

_Dunno if I hope I see you out here in this mess or if I don't wanna see your dumb face until we both make it home._

_Stay safe, punk._

_Arnie_

~.~.~

"Look, ain't no reason ta wear that stink face, Stevie," Buck teased as they walked through the winding hallways that were supposed to lead to Howard Stark's workshop in London. They had been pulled off the field to meet with the weapons inventor, which had left the both of them disgruntled. The thought of their boys out there without them was hard. 

Especially since they'd suffered three more losses just a week ago, when Steve's plan had gone to shit in spectacular form. Things had been going well until weapons more advanced than they ever could have expected made their way onto the field. He had rallied faster than Buck, and he had been the one to get their men to hold their ground instead of fleeing willy-nilly. It had been Bucky's quick thinking once he had gathered himself that had gotten most of them out of there alive.

To leave them now felt like a betrayal, especially since Steve wasn't sure they would get sent back to the same command.

"Colonel's been lookin' shifty, Stark's an ass'n I'm worried 'bout our boys," Steve said, glaring at his friend... who had STAR perched on his shoulder. Bucky had an uncanny ability to make any dame - flesh or robot - fall under his spell. Sometimes he was sure the little bot preferred Buck over him. "'N ya better hide yourself soon, Starlight. Stark'd prolly steal ya and take ya apart."

"Ya don't even know 'im," Bucky argued, rolling his eyes. "Don't know why--"

"'Cause-a Tony," Steve said, reaching out to punch Bucky's arm. "Remember, ya mook? I read files'n such, 'n from the way Tony was I can tell a lot more. B'sides, he wasn't exactly a peach when he was workin' with Erskine."

"I dunno. Mebbe he's different when he's workin', and that Howard ain't this one so mebbe give him a bit of a break, yeah?"

"Nope," Steve answered, popping the 'p' just like Tony would have. "If he is different, then he's gotta prove it. Ain't givin' him nothin' 'til then."

"Such a punk."

"Gimme my robot." STAR let out a soft laugh at that, then jumped easily down from Bucky's shoulder onto his.

"Sorry Steve," she murmured, cuddling up to the side of his neck. "But don't be jealous. You know I love you best, and I agree with you about Howard. I think you should punch him."

"Bloodthirsty little thing," Bucky said, sounding more approving than anything else. "Comin' up on the right place, I think. Better switch out, little light."

"Yessir, Sergeant Valor sir!" she snapped back, tossing Buck a sassy salute as well. He was scowling, but there was a twinkle in those iron eyes of his. When STAR didn't turn into a compass right away, Bucky even saluted back. She laughed again, then leaped into the air - by the time she hit Steve's palm, she had changed. It was a trick they'd developed now that Steve's reflexes were good enough to catch her before she hit the ground.

"Don't go punchin' Stark 'til we get whatever we came here ta get," Bucky advised. "'Cause I think after that mess we got inta, we're gonna be gettin' some new toys. I want 'em."

"'Course ya do, ya greedy jerk."

"Just tryin' ta protect my country, Stevie."

Steve didn't get the chance to tease back, because they had finally reached the right door, which was open and waiting for them. From inside he could hear the brash, sharp voice of Howard calling out measurements and admonishing his workers to be careful handling items. Steve sighed, took a deep breath, and braved the breach.

God, he missed Tony.

"Ah! They're here! Howard said, sounding rather pleased. "I was afraid you'd gotten lost. You're late."

"We're right on time, sir," Bucky said smoothly.

"Which means you're late. Time is money, boys. Well, these days time is weapons because we've got a war to win, but either way. Early is on time, on time is late - remember that. Now--"

"Easy, Howard," Colonel Phillips interrupted. "Let me explain the situation before you go giving things away. Why don't you go... tinker or something." The Colonel wouldn't allow himself to be _too_ outwardly disdainful of a man so important to the operations of the entire military of the United States. Still, he clearly thought Howard's work was too fiddly and too removed from the front lines to be worthy of real respect.

From the twist of anger and contempt on Howard's face, the inventor knew it. "Fine. Hurry up though. I don't have all day - I have three meetings and then I need to be headed to New Mexico by tonight."

As soon as he had turned away, Colonel Phillips rolled his eyes at the man's back before turning his full attention on Steve and Bucky. "We have a mission for you," he practically barked, ramrod straight and full of tension. "We've received word that a subset of the Nazi forces have been experimenting with new forms of weaponry powered by a force even our top scientists can't explain. Right along with that, they're trying to reproduce the work of our fine Dr. Erskine, God rest his soul."

This was it, Steve was sure of it. This was the new nexus, the moment when the Howling Commandos (or a group like them) would be forged. This was the mission that would earn him the title of Captain America. This was going to be the turning point, the mission that would lead them to Johann Schmidt. From the way Bucky's attention went sharp as a knife, he was sure his friend thought so too. 

Colonel Phillips had started to pace, and Steve was sure that didn't mean anything good. "We had almost a whole company of men disappear near the border of Austria - they were headed toward the base where we believe these weapons are being made and experiments are being conducted. Now I may be wrong here, but that feels like an awful lot of bodies that those bastards can use for labor in between sticking them with needles full of God knows what. I want our men rescued, and I want that base destroyed if we can't take it."

"'N sendin' a big rescue operation would tip 'em off," Steve said, eyes narrowing in thought. "Gotta go with somethin' small but powerful."

"Just like my buddy Stevie here," Buck agreed with a grin, clapping Steve on the shoulder.

"Shaddup."

"Both of you can it. Just shut up and listen - I know neither of you is any damn good at following orders, but you shut your mouths, you stand there and you _listen_. I'm taking a chance on you, hell if I know why. Tests don't mean a goddamned thing, and neither of you has been on the field long enough for me to feel comfortable with this. If it was only you, Rogers, I'd be looking for other options but at least Sergeant Barnes here has been in long enough for me to take a chance on. We have a squad that's been working missions since before our great nation even entered this mess, and we'll be sending you along with them. You keep your traps shut, you listen to what Fury and Dugan tell you to do, and you bring what's left of our boys home. Do you understand?"

"Yessir!" Steve and Bucky chorused, both of them giving the perfect salute, not dropping it until Phillips (reluctantly) returned it. Once the Colonel turned his back, however, they were both side-eyeing each other. During that wordless talk they came to the mutual decision that they'd do whatever the hell it took to save their men. Fury, Dugan and following orders be damned.

"Stark! Show them what you've got."

"Charming as always, Colonel. Barnes!" Howard's bark wasn't nearly as intimidating as Phillips', so Bucky ambled over his way instead of hurrying. "Time is _weapons_ , soldier. And this is a nice one that I have for you. It was a close call between a command path and sniping for you, wasn't it?"

"Yessir. Good officers are hard ta find, apparently, so they figured they'd try it with me'n see if it stuck."

"And it did, but you still have the skills to make sniper. Those skills were only enhanced even further by mine and Erskine's work. I think you need some equipment that can take advantage of that." Steve tuned the talk out as Howard went over the features of a rifle that only bore a loose resemblance to the M1903A1 Springfield that Buck carried into battle on his back. From the absolute glee on Bucky's face it was something real special, but Steve was only sorta interested. Buck would walk him through it later, and be passionate enough that Steve would actually wanna know about it.

There was more for Bucky too, a couple different pistols and grenades and such. Somehow Steve doubted he'd be getting even a fourth of the equipment his friend did. Sergeant Valor was an asset in Colonel Phillips' eyes - Steve was an unhappy accident that he didn't know what to do with. He didn't even _look_ intimidating, and he knew that Phillips thought that Erskine's work on him had actually been a failure. It was by the grace of Bucky that he was seeing any action at all.

So he wandered the workshop, ignoring the way the other three workers in the workshop glared at him. His hands were firmly in his pockets, and it wasn't like he understood what any of the shit did so he couldn't steal their ideas. He was looking for something, he realized as he walked. Steve wanted the shield - wanted it even more than he wanted to be called Captain America. Howard had it, had to, and Steve craved having it in hand more than he did anything except the chance to see Tony again. So his inspection of Howard's things became more focused, the rest of the room fading from his awareness.

When he finally found it, Steve touched it with a reverence bordering on what his ma had given to God. The disk shone in the light brighter than any metal he'd ever seen, and it almost seemed to hum and tremble under his fingers. Made sense, he supposed, seeing as the name of the metal _was_ vibranium. Ignoring the protests of the workers, he picked it up and flipped it in his hands before easing his arm through the straps on the back. They were too big, but that could be fixed easy. He swung his left arm the way he had seen Rogers do in videos, and the damn thing practically _sang_ as it cut through the air.

"ROGERS!" Steve would forever deny yelping when Phillips shouted his name directly into his ear. From the way Buck snickered he would never live down the way he'd jumped. "What in the Sam Hill do you think you're doing, soldier? Who gave you permission to touch one goddamned thing in this workshop?"

"That's a prototype," Howard said before Steve could form an answer for his superior officer. He rushed forward and tried to take it; Steve couldn't help but growl. The man backed off immediately, holding his hands in the air. "It'll stop a bullet and it's swell to have on your side in a fight, but, ah." He hesitated, giving Phillips a nervous look from the corner of his eye as he licked his lips. "There was a, well. An _incident_ and we no longer have access to more of the material."

He had a feeling the vibranium this shield was made of had been stolen just as sure as the one Rogers carried. If he made it to the future, Steve thought he'd have to try to make things right with the Wakandans. Somehow.

"Rogers, in case it has escaped your notice, we are no longer living in the middle ages. I never approved of using vibranium to make shields and I for one am glad the project was scrapped. Now put it down and get your skinny ass over to the weapons you'll be using--"

"Hey Buck!" Steve called, the only warning he gave before he threw the shield at his friend, doing his best to imitate the form Rogers used. He would develop his own style, he figured, once he had the privacy and room to experiment. For the moment the copied way worked just fine, and he didn't think he'd ever tire of the noise his beautiful shield made as it moved. Even if it was only passing through thin air, it was easy to see that it would make a fairly effective weapon if used right. Bucky even made a low whistle when he caught the thing, clearly impressed.

"I like it Stevie," he said with a smile, turning it over in his hands. "Since ya always worry so much 'bout everyone's safety, it suits ya to a T. Usin' it ta protect our boys is what it was made for. Ya gonna give it ta him, Stark?" As he asked the seemingly casual question, Bucky threw the shield back to Steve. There was a bit more power behind his throw, but Steve was certain the metal didn't sing for him in the same way it did for Steve.

Steve caught it easily, slipping his arm through the straps in an easy move that made it feel like the shield was already his. When he looked at Howard again, the man looked like he'd been sucking on lemons, which gave Steve a happy, bubbly feeling in his stomach. The uses of vibranium were many and varied, from what Fri had told him, and Howard had probably not intended to part ways with the only chunk of it he'd ever have in his possession to play with.

Phillips had also seen that look, and Steve was sure his desire to get one over on Stark was why he intervened. "The project was bankrolled by the US Armed Forces," he snapped, which made Howard glare at him. "And the mission to retrieve the vibranium was lead by the SSR. I am commandeering that shield for you, Rogers, since you like it so damn much." While Howard fumed in silent, impotent rage, Steve himself could only smile.

"Thanks, Colonel. I know just how I wanna paint it."

~.~.~

_Steven Brian Rogers,_

_You are an absolute ass, and I don't care if ladies aren't supposed to swear. I will say whatever I damned well please, and polite society can go straight to hell for all I care. Melinda and Lisa tried to hide it from me, but I saw. You sent far too much money this month - we don't need you to send us every red cent you make while you're off getting blown up, and I won't stand for it._

_That's not even mentioning the presents we girls, Brian, and Bucky's sisters have been getting from both you and Bucky. Maybe you're off in some godforsaken war-torn continent, but you still need money for silly things like food and extra clothes to keep you warm. I know the army doesn't provide for you THAT well, not when so many countries have descended into madness and we've sent nearly all our young men that way._

_We are FINE, Steven, and we don't need you or Bucky beggaring yourselves to keep us in silks or fripperies. So long as we have a roof over our heads and food in our bellies, everything else is a luxury. You send the amount we agreed upon from this instant moving forward, or I swear by our Lord, sweet Jesus and the Holy Mother that I will book passage on a ship to Europe and I will tan your hide myself._

_Not that I foresee it being a problem. I've been writing to that young man you brought to dinner, Matthew. He's very British, isn't he? Still, he seems a good man, and he doesn't have anyone else to send letters 'home' to. It's only right that I step in and give him something to survive for, don't you think? Though that isn't the point. The point is that I told him about your recent bout of insanity, and he has promised to keep an eye on your funds for me. If he doesn't do the job properly, I'll strangle him as surely as I will you._

_Stop worrying about me and the rest of your girls, Steve. Lisa has David to look after her, and Melinda believes she will be able to secure a job as a secretary soon. She's been using an old typewriter that Mémère dug out from her attic - I swear it was one of the first ever created. Getting paper and ink to practice with has been the biggest struggle, but we've managed. You should see her type, Steve! Her pace is wonderful, and she hardly ever makes a mistake. She didn't want to tell you because she's embarrassed to talk about it to anyone, but she has two interviews in the next week and I'm sure someone will hire her. She'll certainly earn more than at the factory, where she's slower than most and never manages to secure a raise._

_So you can see that we'll manage just fine with the amount we agreed on. At least Arnie is willing to do that, and only spoils Susan and the baby._

_I don't care what army life has done for you, I can still whip your behind if you don't do as I say. Even if I couldn't, if I asked we both know my Starling would kick your ass for me, so I suggest you watch yourself._

_Your angry girl,_

_Rose_

~.~.~

"I was warned about the two of you," Nick Fury's voice was rough like gravel but strong. He also already sounded done with their shit despite only meeting them the day before an hour before they rolled out. Steve blamed Phillips. "You gonna listen to me when I tell you what to do, or are you gonna go right on doing whatever the hell you feel like?"

"Depends on the circumstances, sir," Bucky said with a shrug before Steve could stop him. His idiot friend looked unrepentant despite the air of innocence he was putting on, and the guy had a goddamned gift. "We'll follow orders long as they ain't stupid or gettin' in the way of helpin' our boys."

"What he means, sir, is that we won't cause ya any trouble. We can follow orders with the best of 'em, can't we Buck?"

"You a brown-noser Rogers? You gonna say 'yessir', 'nossir', 'how high should I jump and how clean would you like your boots sir'? Because let me tell you, I ain't got time for that."

"Stevie don't know how ta clean boots worth a damn, sir. If ya want 'em polished ya oughta ask me instead-a him. If ya need a plan though, Stevie's your guy. His brain's all kind-a smart, sir."

"Cut the 'sir' bullshit," Nick Fury demanded as he eyed both of them from where he was sitting. Dugan was a few feet away, watching them with a smile on his lips - though it was mostly hidden beneath an impressive mustache - and a twinkle of amusement in his eye. Steve had a feeling that he was definitely the more easy-going of the two leaders of this version of the Howling Commandos. 

He also was pretty sure that if he wanted to get in good with Nick Fury, he was probably gonna have to get Dugan on his side first. 

"Call me Fury, and that idiot over there cleaning a gun that doesn't even work you can call Dum Dum. We don't need plans, brown-nosers or boot polishers - we don't really need you at all. Having Sergeant Valor and his pet helping us might look good from a propaganda standpoint, but we. Don't. Need. You."

"Stevie ain't a pet," Buck said, making Steve roll his eyes. Nobody was gonna buy that, not until he had a chance to really prove himself. Hopefully he'd be able to do it with his pretty new shield and earn himself a brand spanking new superhero name in the process. "He got the serum same as me'n he's been callin' most-a the shots off-a the field. I ain't good at long term shit," he admitted. "Mebbe I can keep my head in the middle-a the fightin', but that's just reactin'. Stevie's got all-a my muscle and smarts ta boot. So don't ya go callin' 'im a pet or nothin' like it."

Steve was touched, but sure that Fury wasn't at all moved by the little speech.

"Sorry 'bout him," he interrupted, though he clapped Bucky on the shoulder in a silent 'thank you'. "He don't like it when people go underestimatin' me. I don't mind it though. Means nobody bats an eye when I spend time in the field takin' care-a our boys, and anyone who thinks I'm easy pickin's is gonna have a fight they don't expect on their hands. It works for me. I am good at plannin' though. Don't know the terrain of the fight we're 'bout ta pick, so I won't say I could come up with a plan-a attack better'n yours right off-a the bat. But mebbe if ya shared a bit-a what you're thinkin', I could mebbe offer some suggestions and ya could come ta your own conclusions."

"Or you could shut your mouths, do as your told and--"

"C'mon Nick," Duga... Dum Dum interrupted suddenly, throwing a wink Steve's way when he looked over. "Erskine wouldn't have picked complete idiots to use his serum on. Would have been a waste. Give the boys a chance. Just the one, o'course," he said as his expression suddenly turned hard. "We got soldiers waiting on a rescue. This trip is about securing them and nothing else. Well, I guess we need some intel on those fancy new weapons, but that’s more Fury’s thing than mine. I care more about saving our men. Get in the way of that mission and we'll leave you behind."

"Sounds fair," Buck said easily. "We wanna get our boys home same as you."

"'N we'll do what we gotta ta get 'em there," Steve agreed with a firm nod. "Which don't involve shuttin' our yaps'n just doin' what we're told."

Fury tried to stare him down, but Steve had been facing down guys bigger than him for years. He waited it out, maintaining eye contact and keeping his stance loose and carefree. Unlike the bully-boys he'd taken on in the old neighborhood, Fury was unlikely to charge him. This was all psychological bullshit that Steve wished wasn't so damned necessary. He also wished STAR could join them, but he wasn't sure he wanted to trust Fury with her yet. Tony's version of the guy had been sneakier than anything. Steve wasn't sure if he wanted to hand Nick Fury any knowledge that he could later turn into a weapon.

"Fine," the man finally barked. Steve suppressed a grin, choosing instead to give a firm nod. He wanted to be all respectable like, after all. "Get your ass over here, Rogers, and I'll walk you through the plan. I highly doubt you can improve on it, but we'll see what you got." Steve hustled over his way and plopped down next to Fury. 

While the two of them focused in on tactics and strategy, Steve was dimly aware of Buck and Dum Dum bonding over a shared love of weaponry. Eventually they left to join the other Commandos, most of whom were at a separate fire, talking and laughing and bonding. He and Fury didn't even look up from the map where they were arguing the merits of leapfrogging versus a straight up shoot-and-scoot strategy.

Fury challenged him in a way no one but STAR ever had before, at least when it came to battle strategy. He reminded Steve a little of Tony, his mind constantly going in a hundred different directions, taking turns that were hard to predict. Fury always seemed a few steps ahead, and it forced Steve to work harder than he had since those fake battles in his old apartment he'd staged with his robot. It was refreshing and hard and glorious, and Steve eventually left flush with victory. Between the two of them, they'd come up with a strategy that might actually win them that damned base without severely endangering the captives. In the process, Steve thought he might have won himself a bit of respect.

That made trying to spend some down-time with the rest of the Commandos a little easier than it might have been otherwise. Buck had (of course) already settled in like he'd always been there. The yutz could make friends anywhere, easy as breathing. Even with Fury's grudging 'he isn't a total waste of space' attitude, Steve knew he would have a harder time of it. 

Knowing a little about who they had been in Tony's world didn't really do much to smooth the way. Some of them hadn't been in Rogers' group, while a few 'familiar' faces were missing. Eventually, Steve found a space for himself with James Howlett. The guy didn't talk so much as he grunted, but he also seemed to like the little doodles Steve was working on for his girls. It was enough, with Buck working the rest of the group.

It always took him a bit of time, that was all. He would warm up to the Howling Commandos and they'd do the same with him. If he and Buck weren't yanked from the group and put somewhere else instead, eventually he'd make friends. Everything depended on this mission though, and Fury had been right about one thing - the lives of the soldiers that had been captured was the most important thing. He could work on being Mr. Personality once they were safe.

~.~.~

_Dear Steve,_

_My mother once told me that raising children is the only 'career' a woman should ever want or need. While I love little Brian with all my heart, I find myself disagreeing with her. I miss the factory and I miss all the girls there - even the ones that were never yours. The house is so quiet during the day with only myself, the baby and Mémère here and two of the three almost always asleep. I've already read every book in the house at least twice, and trying my hand at needlepoint only led to me wanting to stab myself in the eyes with the needle._

_I do wish Mémère was reliable enough to leave Brian in her care during the day. Maybe when he's a little older I'll be able to pay someone with children of their own to watch him for a few hours so I can have at least a little bit of a life._

_Lisa scolds me when I talk like that, but I try not to take it to heart. It doesn't make me love Brian any less, and I don't regret having him. He's a joy, and I wouldn't trade him for anything in the world. But is it really so wrong to want something beyond him, something that's only mine? I don't mean a lover or even a husband the way Lisa thinks I do. I mean a hobby or a career or just... something. Something that's bigger than just me or even my son._

_Arnie has offered to marry me when this awful war is finally over. Lisa cried when she found out, the goose. She thinks I should save myself, wait for some grand, passionate love. I already had that once, and it didn't do me any good now did it? A solid, steady man who I respect and who respects me... that's what I want now._

_I want someone who will love my son, who will work hard to take care of his family, and who won't mind when I do the same. I've had fevered kisses and romantic declarations. Now I just want someone to grow old with. Maybe Arnie and I aren't in love, and maybe little Brian will never have a sibling, but does that really matter? He'll have a mother AND a father who both adore him, and Arnie and I will have someone to share our lives with. I know that while we’ll never be in love with each other, we do love each other and Brian. That will be enough to see us through, I think._

_I also think it's better by far than some grand notion of love that will burn itself out at the first sign that times are turning hard._

_I haven't accepted, not yet. Please, Steve, give me your blessing so I can say yes. It will give Arnie something solid to fight for, and it will give me some hope to hold onto that someday I won't be quite so alone. Tell me you understand, that you approve, please. I need this Steve, and it will be good for all of us._

_I put in a new picture of Brian with this letter. Isn't he the sweetest, most handsome thing? When he isn't sleeping he's so energetic, so eager to explore the world. He's already trying to crawl, even though it's too soon. I find myself carrying him from room to room to show him new things, talking to him all the while. He babbles as much as I do, and sometimes I swear there are sounds I can understand! He's come so close to saying 'mama', and I just know I'll cry when he finally manages it._

_Mémère thinks I'm botching this, I can tell. She thinks I talk to him too much and that I don't let him cry enough. I love the old woman, but Brian is MY son. If I want to speak to him and not let him cry in his crib for hours, that's my business._

_I hope that you're doing well, Steve, and that my letter took your mind off your surroundings for at least a moment. I love you, and I pray for you, Arnie and Bucky every day. Stay safe, and tell the darling star in your pocket to do the same._

_Still yours but maybe Arnie's too,_

_Susan_

~.~.~

Getting into the base was the easy part.

Steve had encouraged Fury to take a few pointers from the 'Ghost Army' that neither of them could ever admit to knowing about in any kind of official capacity. Only instead of making their unit look bigger than it was, they made it look like a few soldiers had managed to get lost. 

The occupying force took the bait - more fodder for labor and experiments was always good, Steve figured. And yeah, they took all the weapons they could from Buck and Dum Dum, but there were things Stark had made that nobody in their right mind would think of as being dangerous. That stuff stayed hidden, and within an hour the two had freed themselves and silently taken out several guards in order to let Steve, Fury and the rest into the base.

The mission was two-fold, as much as Steve hated to admit it. He had fought hard to stay with the bulk of the Commandos who were working on sneaking groups of captured soldiers out, but Fury had overridden him. Instead, along with Buck he and Fury were doing their best to ghost through the rest of the base looking for intel on the weapons that even Stark couldn't figure out. Steve had to admit that his shield was a lot quieter than gunfire, and he did sorta know what they were looking for, so he guessed it was a good decision.

It was just that every instinct he owned was demanding he find and protect his men.

"Didja hear that?" he whispered to Fury and Buck while in the bowels of the base. "Sounds like screamin', don't it?"

"They're running experiments, Rogers," Fury said in an unimpressed tone. It left Steve with a bad taste in his mouth for a couple reasons. First and foremost, that was some of their own screaming like that - they oughta go try and rescue them. He also hated being called 'Rogers', because it made him remember the stern-faced man who, for some stupid reason, didn't look at Tony like his fella was everything. "We'll come back for them once we-- where the _hell_ do you think you're going? Rogers. Rogers! Get your ass back here!"

"Stevie ain't gonna listen," he heard Buck say as he peeled off from Fury and his friend, heading for the screams. "'S you'n me now, so lets..."

The heated whispers in the near-dark faded, and it didn't look like Fury was going to come storming after him. Without anyone to cover his back, Steve pressed it to the wall and sidled along slowly. It was better to do this right than quick, since it didn't sound like anyone had realized they were there yet. If he could keep being a ghost they all had a chance of pulling this off without losing any of their own in the process. So when he saw a pair of patrolling guards in the hall ahead of him, he moved decisively.

As soon as he threw the shield - aiming for the back of the neck at the man on the left - he was running along the corridor. He didn't quite keep pace with his weapon as it sung through the air, focusing his attention just on finding the right angle rather than on moving at his top speed. Just before the shield hit its mark, Steve launched himself into the air, spinning to the left so he could land a solid kick to the side of the second man's head. He had timed it so he could slip his arms through the shield's strap on the rebound; while he fell to the ground with the enemy soldiers, he punched forward with the shield twice. Each landed on a different man's temple. That was two men down with ease and hardly a sound, and he forced himself not to care if he'd killed them or not.

Bucky was a lot better at compartmentalizing things like that. It was harder for Steve, knowing that he was the reason another soul was dead. It was necessary in wartime, so he did it... but it would never rest easy with him.

Leaving the unconscious if not dead men behind, tucked into the shadows as best he could manage, he pushed forward - the silence from the floors above couldn't last. Most of the enemy soldiers would be in bed, but soon enough someone would miss a check in, or someone would stumble across a soldier that had already been taken down, and the alert would sound. That was when the real fight would begin, and Steve wanted to be as close to an extraction as possible before it did.

A few minutes and two more downed pairs later, Steve had found the room where the screams had been coming from. Only they weren't screaming anymore - one man had gone suddenly, worryingly silent. Another kept groaning piteously, while a third sounded like he might be repeating his rank and serial number over and over. Steve had hoped to take a moment to listen in and make a plan, but the sounding of the alarm he'd been worried about forced his hand. He took a breath, hating the flashing red lights that were now going off in the hallways, then burst into the room.

It took him less than a heartbeat to sketch out at least the bare bones of the situation. Before anyone had the chance to do more than shout what was probably the German equivalent of 'hey!', his shield was already in motion. It slammed into one soldier, sending him sprawling; this time the rebound sent it toward the wall. It hit at just the right angle to give it more momentum (Steve had been practicing) and then sheared through a number of important looking wires hooked up to the machinery the scientist had been staring at.

The sparks were damned satisfying, even if he could only see them from the corner of his eye. He was busy disarming one of the enemy soldiers - they were Hydra for sure, Steve could finally make out their insignia clearly. Steve supposed he was just damned lucky they weren't high enough in the chain of command to have some of those fancy weapons.

Just as he dropped the Hydra soldier and swept the feet out from under a third, his shield came rocketing back to him. He jumped up just in time to grab it and use it to deflect the bullets that the scientist was shooting at him; angling the shield to keep the fire away from his boys meant the bullets riddled the fallen Hydra soldiers, and Steve resolutely did _not_ feel guilty about it.

The scientist he recognized as Arnim Zola was quick to shoot his load. He didn't even pause to try and get a better shot, just emptied the chamber of all ten bullets almost quicker than Steve could count them. When he heard Zola swear and throw the weapon down, Steve lowered his shield and lunged for the man who was (much to his disgust) an inch or so taller than Steve. He wasn't near as strong though, and he didn't even really put up a fight; as soon as Steve slammed him against the wall, he held up his hands in surrender.

"You will understand nothing without me!" he said, panic in his eyes and voice. "My research is singular, and without me--"

"Shaddup," Steve ordered, yanking him forward by his collar until his face was right in Zola's. "Mebbe I won't understand nothin', but I ain't sure it's worth keepin' ya around anyway. Ya look like a rat, Zola, like mebbe ya always find a way out. I think mebbe I oughta put ya down before ya squirm your way outta this."

It was tempting - _so_ tempting. If Zola hadn't been brought into the SSR and then SHIELD, things would have been different. Better maybe. Maybe if so many Hydra members and Nazi sympathizers hadn't been given quarter after the war, maybe SHIELD would never have fallen the way it had in Tony's world. Maybe if he put the scientist down, he could save the future a whole hell of a lot of heartbreak.

God, he should have sent Buck after the screaming men. Bucky could have done it and still slept at night.

Steve could only snarl at his own morals as he slammed Zola back against the wall. "If I pull those tubes outta those men, will it kill 'em?"

"What? No, no. Well the one is already... he was not strong for the process to take. So he has... expired. But the other two!" he shouted when he was shoved into the wall yet again while Steve growled. "The other two have had only the initial injection, the one meant to break down their immune system in preparation for the--"

"Save it for someone who'll understand," Steve advised before delivering a precise blow with his right hand. Zola crumpled, alive but unconscious. Steve let him fall to the floor as he ran for the men strapped to cold, disgusting metal tables. There wasn't much he could do for the dead man, though he snagged the dog tags that he was still wearing so his family could get some level of closure. With two survivors and a captive to try and maneuver, he didn't have the time or ability to wrangle a corpse as well.

One of the men - the one who had been repeating his rank and number - stumbled a little once he was on his feet, but he caught himself quickly. "I c'n walk," he slurred, pushing at Steve. "C'n get... get'im too. Help 'im. You get... Zola."

Sensing that fighting the man would waste more time than it was worth, Steve just nodded. Once he had the moaner free and up, he handed him over to the first man, who Steve could only think of as Corporal. They wobbled but didn't fall, and the moaner was surprisingly solid on his feet even though he was near doubled over in pain. It left Steve free to hike Zola up onto his right shoulder like a sack of potatoes - he needed his left arm mobile enough to throw the shield.

"Usually does," Corporal said from behind him. "Lead the way, 'n if we can't keep up you get the hell outta here with him. Hydra... they need him. Good captive. Get 'im out."

"We're all gettin' out, so shaddup'n c'mon."

For a little while, Steve even thought they might make it. They could hear running, shouting and gunfire, but while the sounds drifted close they always seemed to stay at least a hallway away, thank God. Steve didn't need to be caught up in the fighting and the glory - he didn't need to be Captain America. He just needed to get his men and his captive out without any of them dying in the process.

All of that went out the window when a bullet buried itself deep in Steve's left thigh. The serum meant he didn't go right to the ground but he did stumble and, in the process, dropped Zola. "Get down!" he ordered the men following him, not sure exactly where the shot had come from. Without that certainty, all he could bring himself to do was crouch in front of Corporal and the other man, shield up to keep any incoming bullets from hitting them.

"So... you are a _defender_ , Mister America. How very interesting. The other fool that Erskine used, the one with the flashy muscles and the big gun... he is out there killing my men because his limited understanding of good and evil demands it, and _you_..." as the heavily accented voice trailed off, Steve could practically feel the speaker's disdain. "You sit here trying to save men who are not worth your protection. They are beneath men like myself and even you, Mister America."

"Ain't no mister," Steve said with a shrug of his shoulders, trying to zero in on where exactly the voice was coming from. The strange lighting, the continuing alarm and the winding hallways that echoed did him no favors. "'M a member of the United States Army'n so ya can use my rank or go right ta hell." The laugh that came once he finished speaking was the furthest thing from pleasant. It was ugly and twisted, and Steve feared that he might have stumbled right into the Red Skull without Buck as backup.

"I see, I see... my apologies, Mister America. What rank should I afford you? I think 'Private America' is the best you could have hoped for, with Erskine's formula failing so noticeably in your case."

"Captain!" Steve bit back a groan when he heard Corporal's indignant shout, checking his shield to make sure he was still covering both of his men. The last thing he wanted was for either of them to catch the attention of Johann Schmidt - he was too focused on that to really pay attention to what the idiot behind him was actually saying. "He's a captain, you son of a bitch." That wasn't even close to true, and later he'd have to smack Corporal upside the head for suggesting it, even if it did lead to…

" _Captain_ America then," Schmidt said as he finally stepped out of the shadows. He was wearing his more human face, but the sneer twisting his lips revealed the monster within. "How a runt of the litter such as you, _herr_ Rogers," and wow was there more scorn than anything in that honorific. "Managed to even survive the process is beyond me. You are an abomination, nothing more than a smear on the notes of history that I am in the process of writing. You should not exist, Captain America. You were never meant for the greatness that awaits myself and your friend James once I help him to see the light."

Schmidt was ranting more than anything now, waving his gun in a less than threatening manner. If he expected Steve to just sit there while he delivered a monologue like he was in one of those Bond movies Tony had made him watch he had another thing coming. It was easy to mostly ignore the bile spewing from the man's mouth - it was like all the stuff the other Nazis said, only the 'master race' meant Schmidt, Buck if he would 'see reason', and other people Schmidt deemed worthy of the serum.

It was all pretty much bullshit, and with STAR in his pocket recording it all to go over later with her and Buck he didn't need to pay it any mind. Steve went so far as to roll his eyes at Corporal when their gazes met - Corporal was not as unmoved though. In fact, his fellow officer looked kind of terrified and he blanched instead of rolling his eyes back. Steve fought back a sigh, since not everyone had a trip to the future to fall back on for courage. 

He used his shield and Schmidt's arrogance to keep his movements covert - to Schmidt it probably looked like he was just moving to cover the men he was trying to rescue more thoroughly. What he was really doing, however, was reaching for first STAR and then one of the specialty grenades Howard had given him. "Keep recordin', starry skies, but see if ya can't sneak over that way'n get anythin' off-a him," Steve said to his best girl in a whisper. "Come straight back if it looks like trouble."

STAR was quick to transform behind the shield and for the first time ever she kept all her lights off, which Steve didn't like one bit. She looked like a hollow shell, a puppet of herself. It kind of gave him the willies, to be honest. Schmidt was _still talking_ , and he hadn't known that real life bad guys did that too. He had thought that sort of thing was only for movie villains, but he guessed crazed megalomaniacs just liked to hear themselves talk.

Steve carefully edged his way back towards Corporal and the other man, hoping like hell he could still get them out of this. He held the grenade in his left hand while he carefully worked his pistol and emergency walkie talkie out of his belt to pass to Corporal.

Disguising the movements of his mouth by raising the shield like he was thinking of throwing it, Steve started to give quiet orders. "Take this'n wait for me ta create a distraction," he said, eyes flicking between Schmidt and the shadows where STAR had almost reached the man - who was starting to advance, Steve realized suddenly. Shit, he needed to get his men _gone_. "Look away from him soon as ya hear the bang. Once the smoke'n lights are goin' off, get the hell outta here, fast as ya can'n don't try'n help me out. I'll be fine. Just get a couple-a hallways away if'n ya can, then radio for Buck - Sergeant Valor, I guess. He'll come'n get ya if he can. Tell 'im I'll meet up with him in a bit. Ya copy?"

"Yessir, Captain America," Corporal answered, perhaps finding a bit of humor in all of this at last. "Thank you sir. Good luck and Godspeed."

Steve's sharp eyes saw STAR draw even with Schmidt, ready to jump up onto his person, and that was his signal to act. He stood up abruptly from his crouched position and flung out his left arm. The shield sang through the air, of course, which Schmidt clearly expected. In his hubris, he didn't think to look for any other angle of attack, just watched Steve's shield hit a wall and then fly right at him. He caught it before it could hit him, just like Steve had known he would. The cruel glee in his eyes meant that he'd fallen for it hook, line and sinker. In his eagerness to prove how easy he could thwart Steve's attack, he'd missed the grenade that Steve had slung low to the ground; it was at Schmidt's feet, a few seconds away from going off.

Schmidt also seemed to have missed the tiny robot who had flung herself onto his boot and was making her way up towards the man's pockets and utility belt. Steve hoped like hell that she'd find something they could use.

He also hoped that she would be unscathed at the end of her adventure.

"Your... _toy_ cannot hurt me, Captain America. Why you bother with a shield at all is beyond me. Do you think it will save you? Do you think it will save them? No. I am the only hope of salvation this world has - I will bring order to the chaos and ensure that all of mankind takes its rightful place beneath my heel. Even Hitler's vision is limited by his _humanity_ , but I will make him see. I will make them all see, starting with your friend, Jame--"

Right on schedule the grenade went off. It wasn't one that actually exploded, however. It did give off a pretty loud bang, one that usually confused whoever it had been thrown at. Most of the time they hurled themselves away. The ones that didn't, like Schmidt, still usually at least looked down at it... which was why a heartbeat later the grenade shot out a pulse of light strong enough to temporarily blind anyone stupid enough to do so.

Steve knew better and had averted his eyes, but from the pained, growling shout Schmidt had given, the Hydra soldier had gotten caught full blast. As soon as the light faded smoke started to roll out of the tiny, unassuming looking weapon. Within seconds, the whole hall was filled with scarves of it, which would make it even harder for Schmidt to see as his eyes recovered from the bright light.

Steve hurled himself into the action once the smoke had started, charging at Schmidt with a yell. As he'd hoped, Schmidt's first response was to fling the shield. His aim was terrible, and Steve had to jump up into the air in order to slip his arm through the straps on the back. He was able to use the jump, however, propelling himself forward even faster than he'd been running. Once he touched back down, it was only two more steps before he was close enough to punch his left arm out, shield aimed at Schmidt's temple.

He wasn't sure he could win this fight, but that wasn't the point. He needed to give Corporal and the other man a chance to escape. Steve also needed to stay close to Schmidt until STAR had finished her investigation, that way she could just throw herself into one of his pockets. Maybe he also was a little bit curious as to how he could hold up against the man who had been Rogers' first real enemy, but he didn't let himself think about that.

All he let himself think about was causing a distraction long enough to accomplish his two goals, and then he was getting the hell out of dodge.

Schmidt took that first blow full-force, which made him bite out what was probably a German cuss word. It also had him stumbling back a few steps, and Steve was quick to press his advantage. He kicked out at his opponent's right knee, landing a blow that would have shattered the bones of a normal man. Sure enough Schmidt's leg bent at a sick looking angle, but he was still able to put his weight on it. Schmidt's eyes seemed to be recovering too, unfortunately, because the punch he threw at Steve's throat almost hit.

While Steve was able to duck that one in time, he wasn't so lucky with the next, or the one after that. Engaging in hand to hand with Schmidt had been a mistake, because he was able to give as good as he got. They were pretty evenly matched at first, except that Schmidt had the advantage of not constantly trying to make sure he had an escape route. Before long, Steve was pretty sure that his left collarbone was fractured (at the least) and a few of his ribs felt like they might be a little bit broken. His face probably looked a beautiful mess to boot, and he was glad neither Tony or his girls would see him that way.

Meanwhile Schmidt's face looked... worn, torn, askew. The attempt to play at still being human didn't hold up too well when the mask had a few rips in that didn't bleed but showed red anyhow. He was gonna win the fight, Steve realized suddenly with a sinking stomach. Sure Red Skull was breathing hard, and sure the guy had some broken bones of his own, but he was in way better shape than Steve. It was only the shield keeping Red Skull at bay, and Steve was quickly running out of steam. He was faster but Red Skull was stronger, bigger, and more willing to go for hits that would leave Steve dead or crippled. Steve just couldn't bring himself to do the same in return. Killing someone, even someone like Red Skull, just wasn't something he wanted to do if he could help it.

Not that he could kill Red Skull anyway, not alone and not like this. When Red Skull managed to get hold of his shield and toss it to one side, Steve knew the real fight was as good as over. He needed to get out of there pronto - soon as he had STAR and his shield back, he was running the fuck out of there. Hell, if he just got his best girl but couldn’t get the shield he would still hightail it out of there. Whoever had said that discretion was the better part of valor had really been on to something.

"I can see the wheels turning in your head, Captain America. You think you can get out of this - you think I will let you walk away. This is not possible. I cannot let an abomination like you go free. You were never meant for this, for the greatness the serum has lifted me to. You must die, Captain America, the way you should have the day you dared reach for strength that will never be yours." Red Skull had drawn away while he spoke, leaving Steve panting and swaying on his feet. It was an opening, one Steve oughta be taking advantage of, but getting his breath back was the better option just then, he thought.

When Red Skull reached into one of the pouches on his belt and drew out both STAR and what looked like some kind of detonator, Steve realized he had made a mistake. "What do we have here?" Red Skull muttered when Steve let out a strangled cry of distress. He danced away when Steve lunged forward, and before STAR could jump to safety, Red Skull had her captive in one of his fists. "Does this belong to you, Captain America?"

"Put her down!" Steve demanded, lunging again, forgetting every bit of technique that he'd learned the past few months. All that mattered was getting STAR back. "Kill me if ya gotta, but ya let her go!"

"Her?" Red Skull looked down, and Steve's blood ran cold when he saw cruel, gleeful interest light Red Skull's face. STAR was struggling and struggling hard, but she was so small, and Red Skull was so strong. "I see. I will take great pleasure in ripping 'her' apart, Captain America. I am only sorry that you will be too dead to watch me do it."

With that, Red Skull activated the detonator, and the flashing lights changed color from red to blue. Over the speakers came a female voice who, if Steve's grasp of German served him correctly, announced that the self-destruct sequence had been fully activated. They had ten minutes to leave the building before it came down around their ears.

"What, ya gonna blow yourself up too, just ta get me?" Steve asked, incredulous.

"Oh, Captain America. How tightly you hold to your delusions. You will be dead long before I need to make my way to the escape pod."

Steve heard the crack of a gun firing and a heartbeat later felt the air next by the right side of his neck ripple as something moved passed him. Red Skull (because Schmidt had been dead for a while, burned away by the serum) let out a harsh sound of pain when a bullet ripped through his skin, lodging deep in his chest. "Stevie! Get your skinny ass outta there! Place is 'bout ta get blown all ta hell!"

Bucky had come for him.

It was hard to feel grateful when the stupid punk had endangered himself to do it. Though at least it meant that Fury, Dum Dum, the Commandos and the rescued soldiers were probably clear or close to it. Buck was good at having his back, but he wouldn't throw everything away to do it.

"Gimme a sec!" he shouted back, eyeing Red Skull... who still had STAR clutched in one fist. The feisty little bot was doing her best to get free, but even the lasers Tony had given her weren't much good against a guy with more determined crazy than pain receptors. "He stole my guidin' star, gotta get her back!"

Steve fake-lunged forward like he was going to go right for his best girl - one he'd do cold-blooded murder for, and to hell with feeling guilty about it later. Red Skull fell for it, backing away with a triumphant sneer despite the way his free hand was pressed against the wound in his chest to try and lessen the bleeding with what looked like limited success.

Howard's bullets were nasty pieces of work, after all.

At the last second Steve harnessed that forward motion into a dive to the right and behind Red Skull, hoping Buck would take advantage of the way he stayed close to the ground. He hadn't meant to eliminate the founder of Hydra, but if Sergeant Valor managed a head shot, Steve wouldn't be crying any tears over it. Maybe he needed to admit that Red Skull wasn’t someone who necessarily deserved a war trial.

Sure enough he heard a good number of shots as he went for his shield. From the way Red Skull started taunting Buck, none of them managed to find their target. The ass was spewing more of the same garbage, bragging about his own prowess and promising Buck that he could help Erskine's 'other masterpiece' grow into his true talents.

Buck wouldn't buy what Red Skull was selling, Steve knew that for sure. The steady stream of gunshots helped make that pretty damn clear, and as Red Skull dodged and monologued Steve got a chance to catch his breath and think carefully about his approach. Buck would be able to see him, but Red Skull couldn't - he could use that. He signaled Bucky to try and drive Red Skull to Steve's left, because he wanted a clear shot to try and free STAR.

Steve wasn't leaving without his best girl. He'd rather get blown to smithereens.

"You could be so much more than you are, Sergeant Valor. In you the serum runs true - we both know that. Unlike your tiny friend here, mister Captain America, _you_ are a success. You feel it don't you, how much better you are than those ants who surround you? I know you have felt how easy it is to crush them under your heel. I've been following your exploits, you see," Red Skull said as he continued to dodge Bucky's bullets, slowly moving in the direction Steve had wanted. "Unlike the... 'good' Captain, you are not afraid to dirty your hands to do what you consider right. Even now, you are trying to kill me where your friend only wanted to distract me. Your goal is in your sights and you go for it. You do not dither or hesitate, and that is why you will join me once I show you the light. Come with me, Sergeant Valor, and I will help you find your true purpose!"

Buck's shots had slowed, then faltered - Steve didn't like to think what that might mean. Though at least Red Skull felt safe enough to spread his arms wide in an expansive gesture, which was all the opening Steve needed. Thank God for the hubris of man, Steve thought as he silently shifted into the right position and let his shield fly.

All he'd meant to do was jar Red Skull's wrist enough that he'd unclench enough to let STAR wriggle free. It was just that he was so _angry_ that he didn't mind his strength the way he usually did now, and he had forgotten just how strong vibranium was. So when the shield, hurtling nearly vertical through the air, managed to slice right through Red Skull's wrist Steve's jaw went slack with shock.

Red Skull howled as his hand - still in a fist - thudded down on the ground. STAR immediately pushed out of her former finger prison and headed straight for Steve. Quickly getting over his surprise, Steve got up and ran toward her at the same time while hoping like hell that Red Skull didn't come after either of them. Steve was man enough to admit that he didn't have a lot of fight left in him, and now that there was a chance they could get out in time the idea of dying didn't sit quite so easily with him.

Thankfully Buck had recovered from whatever the hell was wrong with him - maybe he'd even just been switching guns earlier. It would make sense, because now he was laying down suppressive fire. It kept the snarling Red Skull at bay while Steve scooped up STAR, caught his shield on the rebound, then ran like hell toward where he could see Buck. He _wanted_ Zola, wanted to put an end to the scientist who was largely responsible for the development of Red Skull's strange weapons, but he just didn't have the time or the strength.

There would be another fight another day. He would have another chance, and the next time he would make sure Zola ended up dead rather than in custody.

As that recorded voice sounded over the speakers, warning again of the impending self-destruction of the base, Steve reached Bucky. There was only seven minutes left, and they all needed to get the hell out. Red Skull seemed to agree, because he shouted 'We shall meet again, Captain America!' and he was the one to grab hold of Zola with his remaining hand.

Thinking of the one that stayed behind on the floor made Steve feel both proud and nauseous.

He and Buck ran toward the entrance of the base as fast as Steve could manage; he sensed his friend was two seconds away from throwing Steve over his shoulder to speed them up. Before that happened they got out, saving Steve's dignity from taking such a hard hit. Waiting for them was an idling jeep with James Howlett at the wheel. Soon as they were close enough he started driving, but he didn't punch the speed up until both Steve and Bucky had caught up and leapt into the back seat. Then they were off, Howlett driving like the crazy, reckless bastard that he was. There was no way the guy was _really_ Canadian.

The base exploded behind them in a grand fashion while they were still just a little too close. While the ground shook beneath the jeep, Steve called out warnings that let Howlett veer away from the bigger chunks of falling debris. They didn't make it completely unscathed, but a few small burn marks on their skin or uniforms and scrapes on the side of the jeep were better than being blown into bloody chunks. Bucky just hung on, looking grim and shaken. Steve was going to have to dig into his brain later to figure out what was going on in there and help clean it out.

STAR was already in compass form - had transformed as soon as Steve had her. He had a feeling his robot was just as shaken as Bucky was, if not more. There was gonna be a lot of damage control to take care of once they were all safe. And maybe once he had seen a doctor, because Steve was beat up pretty damn good. Even with the way he healed, he might need someone to check him over later if only to dig that bullet out of his thigh. He just hoped they wouldn't have to re-break any bones to reset them so they weren't crooked.

It didn't take them too long to catch up to the rest of the escort for the rescued soldiers. Once they had, Howlett slowed and both Steve and Bucky hopped out without needing to be told. Not when both of them could walk just fine and there were other soldiers being carried. Steve meant to help some of them into the jeep, but before he could Corporal ran up to him, whooping with joy. When he got close enough, Corporal started pounding on his back in a move that hurt more than Steve was willing to admit. "They made it!" Corporal shouted loud enough for everyone to hear. "Told you they would! Let's hear it for Sergeant Valor and Captain America!"

The cheering that raised wasn't really about them, Steve knew that. Their boys were cheering at the fact that they'd been rescued, that someone had come for them, that they were headed somewhere safe. All the same, some of them were shouting his name, and it was more trouble than it was worth to try and keep from grinning. Even Fury was kind of smiling when he made his way through the group, advancing on them quickly.

"Captain America?" he asked, schooling his expression into the usual scowl.

"Field promotion." Bucky said smoothly, straight-faced. The way he said it made it seem like it was completely on the up and up, like there'd been anyone with that kind of authority around to grant such a promotion. Like Steve could have gone from Private to Captain that easy, like it didn't break probably every protocol for military promotion in the book. Steve and Corporal started to laugh, Fury snorted in disgust, and that was that.

Steve had finally gotten his title - he was finally Captain America. Not only that, but they had liberated a base full of American soldiers, STAR had probably gotten some intel off of Red Skull, and from the lack of shouting he had to assume that Fury had found what he was after. They had done it - this was a solid win for the Allied Forces.

With Buck looking haunted and STAR vibrating in his pocket in a way that made Steve think she was shivering though, it was hard for Steve to consider it a victory.

~.~.~

_Dear Stevie,_

_Rose told me that she blew me in, and you know about my trying to be a secretary. I love her, but she's so much like a nosy, overbearing older sister! She and Mémère were the only ones who knew. Susan and Lisa are both too involved in their own lives to notice much, and I knew the other girls in the factory would start saying I think I'm better than them. I'm not and I know it. It's just that I'm so terrible at factory work, and without you or Susan to make up for that I do believe I was getting close to being fired._

_WAS, because now that I have a new job as a secretary I quit instead!_

_Oh, it's so nice to be able to do something that I'm good at again. I'm a little less keen on the way I have to wear skirts all the time, and now I have to keep my hair perfectly in order too... but it's worth it. My boss is this darling older gentleman who was originally from the south. He doesn't tell those distasteful jokes that the men at the factory used to, and he keeps his hands to himself to boot. It's the perfect job, and I know that I'll be so much better at it than I ever was at making aeroplane parts. It brings in more money too, so you can worry about us just a little less._

_My church just started up a pen pal program for soldiers who have gone over there to Europe, and I snatched up a few names for myself. Lisa and Rose think I'm doing it to snag a husband, and I guess I can't blame them with all the jokes I made about wanting you to send me home a soldier._

_It's just that I think of our boys over there, cold and hungry and going through all kinds of terrible things and it breaks my heart. If I can provide even a little comfort or hope to them, I believe it's both my duty and an honor to do so. I sent off the first round of letters just yesterday, and I hope I said the right things. Maybe I should have mentioned the war more, but I figure they're living it, just like you are. I wished them well, of course, and assured them that I would be praying for them and thinking of them always, but otherwise I wrote about the silly things that life is made up of._

_I thought it would be better than dwelling on the more sorrowful things._

_Even if I start writing a dozen other soldiers though, Steve, I'll still always be your girl. I love you and I hope that you are staying as safe as you can while you fight the good fight abroad._

_Melinda_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay. So the Ghost Army is probably the single greatest thing that I discovered while doing some research for this fic. Holy crap. They were awesome and basically put on one big play through the whole of the war. They had _inflatable tanks_ , friends. Inflatable tanks. Just think about that for a second. Here's a link to some info on Wikipedia, but I highly encourage people to check out more about them. [Ghost Army](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ghost_Army).
> 
> I have a [Tumblr](http://tahlreth.tumblr.com) if you wanna come check it out and maybe say hi. :D
> 
> Again, thank you for reading and maybe leave a comment on your way out. :D


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey y'all! It's a Wednesday and I'm back again. <3 Short chapter this week, and I'm afraid I don't have a short to post with it. ;.; Spent the weekend writing Teen Wolf, sorry. XD
> 
> Happy Valentine's Day, I guess, since apparently that's today? I keep forgetting. :'D
> 
> Thanks for reading and maybe leave a comment if you enjoy it!

"If ya think these dreams are helpin', Loki, I gotta tell ya that you're way off base."

The god probably couldn't hear him any more than Tony could, but Steve thought it was the principle of the thing. It was only the second one like this that he'd had, but Steve could already tell they would be nothing but torture. To be _so close_ to his fella with absolutely no chance of being able to really touch him or talk to him... it was awful. Having glimpses into Tony's life, his struggles without being able to help was frustrating more than anything. And having to look at the guy sitting across from his fella without being able to punch him in his smug, cruelly amused face? That part was pretty much the worst.

Because whoever this 'Thaddeus Ross' jerk was, he was trouble for sure. Steve could tell just by looking that all of Tony's guards were all the way up. Maybe Tony didn't have a gun, but Steve was still sure that he had sat down at the table with Ross ready for war.

"You're many things Tony, but you're not stupid. You had to know this was coming, especially after Sokovia. To be completely honest with you, I was all for putting something in writing after that mess with the aliens in New York City."

"I'm sure you were," Tony muttered, then arched a brow at Ross while tipping his head to the left. "Though anything you wrote at that point probably would have been all about getting the Hulk under your control. So I can't say I'm not glad SHIELD was around then to talk you, the military and the government down."

"Even though almost the entire organization ended up being traitors to this great nation?"

"There were some glitches in the previous system, I'll give you that," Tony said with an elegant shrug. "But come on, Thaddeus. What you're talking about here, this... this Super-Human Registration Act. It's bullshit and you know it."

"Oh, I really don't think it is, Tony." Ross stood up and walked around his desk, reminding Steve of a circling shark. He bristled from where he'd perched on the arm of Tony's chair, wishing like hell he could actually protect his fella. "It's a little... extreme, I'll give you that. But I think that's what the people might need right now to feel safe. For the past six years, this country has watched you and your... little friends do whatever the hell you wanted--"

"We were fighting _aliens_ and _Hydra_ , for God's sake. We weren't--"

"Doesn't matter what you were doing or why, not really. Not to the general public. You know how it works, Tony," Ross said, now pacing the room like a caged beast. He was all predator, and maybe that would have intimidated some people... but not Tony Stark. Not Steve's fella. Tony was watching him carefully but without fear, leaning back in his chair in a way that seemed almost casual. It was the set of his shoulders that hinted otherwise, the steel in his eyes, and the way his jaw worked whenever Ross wasn't looking his way - those were the things that let Steve know that Tony was pissed off and wary.

"I know how what works?"

"Don't play stupid. It doesn't suit you, at least not anymore. Not since you sobered up and started playing in the real world with the rest of us." Steve's growl couldn't be heard, but that didn't stop him from making it. Unlike Wanda, Ross didn't seem to sense the hostility Steve was radiating at him even a little. "People are afraid of you. Well, Iron Man - they don't understand that you _are_ Iron Man and always will be. They're afraid of what might happen if the next bad guy that needs to be taken down happens to be in their neighborhood. They're worried that you and your friends will show up and that a lot of innocent people will wind up hurt or dead. And they're right to worry about that, aren't they Tony?"

"The Avengers have always--"

"Made a goddamn mess while fighting battles nobody asked them to. Most people were willing to forgive New York - it was a clear and imminent danger, and the military wasn't prepared to mobilize fast enough to meet it. So fine, you saved us. Even kept that nuke that damned World Council or whatever the hell it was from hitting the city. If that had hit its target that have meant disaster and probably war. It was a good thing you did then, son."

From the way Tony went stiff and straightened in his chair, he didn't appreciate the patronizing compliment.

"And even I'll admit that while you are a pain in the ass, you were doing good things as Iron Man before that team of yours came along. You were getting rid of _your_ weapons, fighting _your_ enemies, and most of the time your fights happened in the middle of nowhere without a shit-ton of cameras and bystanders around. Your Expo was a shit-show, granted, but that was Hammer’s doing. I can’t fault you for fighting back and protecting the people who attended. And sure there was the fight with... are we still pretending it wasn't Stane in that other suit way back when?"

"Get to the point, Thaddeus," Tony ground out. Steve sighed and tried to lean against the man; he seemed to have more weight and presence in this dream. At least he didn't fall through his fella, and he let himself believe that Tony would sense him and take some comfort and strength from the fact that Steve was there.

"My point is that you were a superhero the people could accept, and they'd even have been fine with the Avengers if you lot had enough common sense to keep your heads down and not show up unless you were absolutely necessary to the success of a mission. Don't bullshit me, Tony," he said before Tony could interrupt. "SHIELD never should have had Rogers and those two agents who were also Avengers running missions the way it did. And going after Hydra? Ha! That should have been a joint effort with the military forces of the countries they were based in. How many contracts with SI did you have to give out to keep governments quiet about that, huh Tony? How much money did you spend greasing palms to keep your... friends out of the papers?"

"This still doesn't sound like a point, Thaddeus, and the SHRA is bullshit that I will _bury_ if you try to bring it to Congress for a vote. So either you tell me why I'm here or I'll be on my way."

"Do you really think I need Congress to push this through? Please. The President isn't exactly eager to make this the law of the land, but after the international pressure that came from the mess in Sokovia... well. He's considering it. If myself and a few other cabinet members were to lean on him, help him see the wisdom of keeping tabs on people like you, even the ones who say they have no intention of invading other countries--"

"We never _invaded_ anywhere, Jesus Christ."

"I can get him to enact the SHRA as an Executive Order, is the real point. And sure, we'd have civil rights groups on us like flies on shit, but that would be the beginning of the end. You know it as well as I do Tony. Because while we're fighting the lawsuits, there are a dozen different publicity campaigns I can run that will have many of our citizens demanding action. A few pictures of the destruction and devastation you lot leave behind, some bloody or dead kids, people weeping as their worlds crumble around them because of the Avengers... and that's _without_ focusing on everything that's happening right here in this very country. The ongoing shit-show in Hell’s Kitchen, for example. I could spin the hell out of all of it, Tony. Do you really think I can't drum up enough fear to get something like this passed legally? And once that happens..."

"Why am I here, Thaddeus?"

"Because I can put this away, Tony. I can set the SHRA aside for now - it'll be a hard fight. Even if I know I'd win in the end, I'd rather settle for an easier victory, at least for now. And since the president still feels he owes you a personal debt... well. He'll be happy to throw his political weight behind an action that you support. So I need your support for something that's going to happen whether you like it or not. I need you to take a stand with me and say that supers like you need to be contained. I need you to do the right thing here, Tony, and agree that there needs to be some level of oversight. Especially when Americans are going to go marching into other countries to blow shit up."

"If you think I'll hand the Avengers over to _you_ \--"

"Ha! No, I know you'd die before you would trust me with them. I suppose I can't blame you, even if I am a changed man. I'm worried about the security of our great nation and the safety of our citizens. I think the SHRA is the way to go, and I think that in time the rest of this country and the world will agree with me. But for now, if you'll throw your weight behind something else, if you'll get your friends to do the same, I can forget how much better the SHRA would be. The United Nations has been working on something."

"I heard about that. Even the King of Wakanda has been involved in drafting--"

"The Sokovia Accords, yes. They're bullshit, honestly - too lax, in my opinion. But it's a start. It's something. It's something that you are going to support, Tony, if you want me to put the SRA in a desk drawer and forget that it exists for at least a little while."

"... what the fuck is this? I already knew about the Accords, I have a copy headed my way as soon as a first draft is done. The things that I've heard through some of my contacts aren't anything that I have a major disagreement with. So why--"

"Because now you and I are in this together, Tony," Thaddeus said with a wide, cruel smile as he spread his arms wide. Tony went rigid again, fury mounting in his expression. If Steve could have, he would have gone for Ross' throat; even knowing he couldn't, he still got on his feet and advanced. "Because now you and I have an understanding, and there's an official record of you coming to meet with me about the issue. Get your team on board, Tony, or get them to retire. I would consider it a personal favor."

Steve didn't get to hear whatever scathing retort Tony gave - and from the way his fella looked ready to do murder, it would have been glorious. He didn't really understand what the hell they'd been talking about, not really, but he did know one thing.

If he ever met Thaddeus Ross, in Tony's world or his own, he was gonna beat the bastard black and blue.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks to the lovely KiernaSerea for betaing! Also thanks to Arboreal, who continues to be wonderful and patient. <3


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 'Nother Wednesday, 'nother chapter. :D I am ridiculously proud of me for sticking to a schedule.
> 
> It loooooks like we're about halfway done with this installment, though as I write the final few chapters I might subtract or (more likely) add to that.
> 
> Thanks so much for reading! :D Leave a comment maybe if you liked it? :'D

_Stevie,_

_Every time I get in a firefight, I think of how you're right out here in the thick of things too. It twists my stomach up in knots and I wanna throw up the terrible rations they give us. I still don't know what the hell you were thinking signing up for this, and I wanna wring your scrawny little neck. I thought you was trouble with the guys in the old neighborhood, but now you're out here where there are bombs and shit, and I'll eat my boots if you've learned to keep your damned mouth shut._

_Susan's been hinting that you're some sort of big-shot. You got a brain in that head of yours, so I guess it's probably something to do with drawing up plans or something. You always was getting in over your head. I hope you knew what you was doing, Stevie. I wish I was there with you. Don't feel right, having you out here in the fight without me there to look after you. Bucky might be a swell guy, but he probably can't take care of you half as well as I can. I been dragging your skinny ass outta the fire since we was kids. He don't know your tricks the way I do._

_But since I got no desire to go AWOL and get a dishonorable discharge, I guess I gotta trust him to do it anyway. Maybe one of us'll do something real heroic and get to put together a team of our own and we can be together again. You're my brother, Stevie, and I miss looking after you._

_Did Susan tell you that she said yes? If I get home - she'd make me say WHEN I get home, but we both know better - she's gonna be my wife. I'll have a son, Stevie - little Brian'll be mine. I'll get to take care of him and teach him all the stuff our fathers never got to show us. I always wanted to be a dad, you know that. Never thought it would happen, what with me being so bad with the dames. But she said yes, and I'll be picking out a ring if I make it out of this hell._

_Gives a fella a reason to make it home._

_Keep your nose clean, and try keeping your damn mouth shut for a change._

_Arnie_

~.~.~

STAR refused to transform, and Buck wouldn't look him in the eye.

Steve hadn't let himself think about it while they were escorting the former captives to an Allied base. They had more immediate problems to deal with, and anyway he was sort of hoping that they would snap out of it. It hadn't happened, and four days after their meeting with Red Skull his best girl and his friend were still all out of sorts.

He knew they couldn't go on that way, not when they would all need to be heading back out to the front again soon. Fury and Dum Dum had given them a pretty good amount of praise in the mission debrief, after all. Beyond that, Steve's report on Red Skull had everyone scrambling to come up with a plan to defeat Hydra and the mastermind behind the organization.

So while the higher-ups worked on a plan, Steve figured he could focus on his small team. When it came right down to it he was pretty sure he knew what was wrong with his bot. It was the first time he had really asked anything of her as far as information gathering, and she had been caught. Not only that, but things had been... they had been close. On the nights that Steve wasn't dreaming of Tony, he had nightmares that STAR had been killed by Red Skull. Her withdrawal made perfect sense, and he was pretty sure he would be able to help her through it.

Steve didn't have a single clue what was wrong with Bucky. Starting there would probably be harder, but if he managed he could have Bucky at his side when he spoke to STAR. If he didn't manage, well... he would just shift his attention and see if he couldn't get his best girl to help him with Buck.

It would be stupid to try and get Bucky to admit anything around anyone else, so Steve knew they were going to have to leave base before he tried. And if his friend wasn't so goddamned stubborn they'd already be smoking a cigarette and shooting the shit.

"Don't wanna go nowhere, Stevie," he said for the fourth or fifth time - Steve had stopped keeping track. "We oughta be here so Phillips can find us if he needs us."

"Hey, will ya lemme know if ya see my friend Buck? Ya know, the one who wasn't a total punk? The one who didn't have no problems tellin' Phillips ta fuck off? If ya see him, just send him my way. Can ya do that for me?"

"Go fly a kite."

"Ya know what? Get off yer ass'n start marchin'. That's a order, and as a Captain I outrank ya now soldier. So _move_."

Bucky looked up at him, eyes narrowed and brows drawn together. For a second Steve thought he might have miscalculated, like the time he'd pushed Tony too hard and ended up sending his fella into a bit of a meltdown.

Moving slowly enough to make him worry, Bucky set aside the gun he had been cleaning and got to his feet. He looked down his nose at Steve and crossed his arms over his chest, looking sorta like he'd like to punch Steve in the face. "Ya get _one_ -a those Stevie," he finally said in a rumble. "One. Ya just used it, so I hope you’re happy."

Yeah, he'd definitely miscalculated. But maybe after they were done talking Bucky would forgive him. The tic in his jaw said otherwise, but Steve had faith in their friendship and his own charm.

They were both quiet as they walked through and then out of the base. A few of the guys called out greetings or saluted, but they only nodded or saluted back. For just a moment Steve thought the soldiers guarding the entrance would try to keep them from leaving. Thankfully the scowl on Sergeant Valor's face and the way even Captain America looked stern seemed to cow him, and they were only told to be safe as they headed out.

Steve didn't say anything until they were about ten minutes away from the base. They ought to be safe from prying eyes there, and he felt like the still of the night and the bright stars above their heads might put Bucky at ease. He lit up a cigarette - they were supposed to be bad for him, but Steve sorta figured he didn't have to worry about most of the ill effects anymore - then offered one to Bucky. For a while they both stood there, staring up at the sky and lost in their own thoughts.

Finally, after plopping down on a large rock, Steve looked up at his friend. "So. Ya wanna tell me what's eatin' ya?"

"... ain't nothin'."

"'S a pretty big bag-a nothin' then."

"Yeah? Well if ya don't like it, fuck off'n leave me alone."

"Nah. Kinda fond-a ya, even if ya are a big jerk. So I wanna know what's goin' on in that head-a yours."

"I dunno."

He couldn't help but sigh, taking a long drag from his cigarette before he turned his attention back to the sky. Maybe he should have started with STAR after all, because Bucky was clearly intent on being difficult. "Look. I know we ain't known each other long, but I do care about ya. So whatever's buggin' ya--"

"Nothin's--"

"Cut the crap. You've had a bee in your bonnet since Red Skull." From Bucky's full-body shudder, Steve knew he'd come at least sort of close to the mark. "Lemme help ya, Buck. It’s what friends're for. So open your big dumb mouth."

"... 'm I like him, Stevie?"

"What?"

"The stuff he said... wasn't totally wrong. Least I don't think so. I think... I think mebbe he's right 'bout me," Bucky said, eyes firmly fixed on the sky. "I see ya out there, ya know. While I'm off killin'n makin' sure our boys do the same, ya focus on keepin' them safe. Ya kill if ya gotta, but it ain't... it ain't your primary goal'n I know ya feel bad about it later. Me? I don't give a shit. I'd be happy ta kill 'em all if it meant we won and got ta go home. So I think mebbe I'm a lot closer ta bein' him than I'd like. I think mebbe Erskine and Phillips made a mistake with me."

"... Buck."

"I know ya got your sad face on, ya punk. Stoppit."

"Only when ya stop bein' stupid." Bucky jerked his head around to look at Steve - finally - with his jaw dropped. It took him a second, but then he shook his head and seemed to gather himself.

"Did ya just call me stupid?"

"No, said you're bein' stupid. Ya ain't dumb, Buck, but you're actin' like a grade-A moron. So stoppit'n I'll put away my sad eyes."

"Stevie, this is serious."

"Yeah, it is. But only 'cause you're bein' stupid. Ya ain't nothin' like that evil bastard'n ya know it."

"But some-a what he said--"

"We're at war, Buck, and we didn't start this fight. Hitler'n people like Red Skull did, with all their thinkin' that certain types-a people are better 'cause-a reasons that don't make no sense. Do ya wanna put all-a the people who ain't like us under your thumb? Do ya wanna use 'em for your own ends'n kill 'em when they ain't no more use ta ya?"

"Well, no but--"

"But nothin'. Ya don't kill 'cause ya like it. Ya do it 'cause ya gotta, because if ya don't they'll kill ya or our men. Ya do it 'cause it's what we gotta do ta end this goddamned war'n go home ta our girls."

"Mebbe that's true, but he was right about me not mindin' gettin' my hands dirty. And it is easy ta do it now with the serum. 'M usin' it ta hurt other people 'cause I can. 'Cause I'm stronger'n faster'n smarter. I ain't like ya, Stevie. I ain't good or a hero or nothin'. Mebbe in a couple-a months or a year or two, I'll start thinkin' like him. Mebbe the longer I got this stuff in my veins the worse I'll get. Mebbe soon I won't recognize myself, 'n mebbe you'll have ta do what ya gotta do ta stop me'n keep other people safe."

"Buck..." Steve found himself at a loss for words - mostly because Bucky's worries weren't completely unfounded. They didn't really know how the serum was going to affect them long term. Maybe Schmidt hadn't been quite so mad with power before he had forced Erskine to give it to him. Maybe Rogers hadn't always been the stern jerk he'd seen in Fri's files. Maybe the knock-off serum he had gotten had been why the Bucky in that world seemed so... empty and haunted in the pictures of him with the Howling Commandos. 

It was just that no matter how much the serum changed him, Steve just couldn't see Bucky being so far gone that Steve would have to turn against him.

"You're a good man, James Barnes," he said finally, meeting Bucky's gaze steadily. "'N no matter what the serum does ta ya, ta us, that ain't gonna change. Ya wanna know the reason I can focus on keepin' our boys safe? It's 'cause I know you're in the front, holdin' the line and leadin' us ta victory. The Red Skull fella is a monster, but me'n you? We're two sides-a the same coin, ya hear me? I need ya ta be the way ya are in order ta be like this. Without ya I’d be leadin’ the pack and gettin’ my hands dirty. 'N if I wasn't here guardin' the rear, I know ya sure as hell'd be splittin' your attention so ya could keep your unit safe. But we got each other, Buck. We got each other'n so we both get ta focus on one thing. But ya look here," Steve said, sure he could see just a hint of a smile on Bucky's lips.

"What punk?"

"If'n ya really are worried that your hands are gettin' too dirty... then we'll switch for a bit. I'll go'n lead the charge'n ya can stick ta the back and keep our boys safe."

"You'll hate it. Ya don't like killin' Stevie'n I know it. It’s why I don't mind so much."

"And I don't mind so much doin' it ta give ya some peace-a mind. I know we're in a war, Buck. I know that means that sometimes I gotta kill the other guy. You've been shieldin' me from that’n now you've half talked yourself inta thinkin' you're some kind-a monster. So I ain't takin' no for an answer. We're swappin' roles for a bit'n that's that. And Buck?"

"Yeah?"

"If it really comes down ta it, if'n ya do go off the rails like Schmidt did... I won't let ya hurt anyone who ain't an enemy. I won't let ya turn inta a monster Buck. Promise."

For a heartbeat, as Bucky stared at him with a face of stone, Steve thought he might have made another miscalculation. Then Bucky ambled over and sat down on Steve's rock before slinging an arm over Steve's shoulders. "You're a good friend, Stevie," he said in a husky voice. "Still gonna knock your teeth outta your skull if ya ever try'n pull that 'I'm a Captain so I can give ya orders' bullshit. Got it?"

"Yeah yeah." Steve leaned into Bucky's side, trying his hardest not to grin like a lunatic. "Still outrank ya, jerk."

"Punk."

"Mook."

"Short stack." Bucky lifted his hand and ruffled Steve's hair, and Steve knew his friend was going to be alright. Sure Bucky would probably always worry about turning into someone like Red Skull, but he seemed better. There was less tension in his shoulders, and a smile on his face. Steve would keep an eye on him, but he thought the worst had passed. At least for now.

He didn't answer the last insult, content to look up at the night sky again as he finished off his cigarette. Once it was gone, he fished STAR out of his pocket and cradled her in both hands. "Ya ready ta come out yet, Starlight?" There was no answer, not even a vibration or a warming of her surface. Steve sighed and shook his head, stroking his thumb over the inscription Tony had left for him. "C'mon, sweetheart. 'M gettin' worried about ya."

"She havin' a hard time too?"

"Yeah. Think gettin' caught shook her up something fierce."

"Gimme." Bucky demanded, then carefully took STAR from him. She was dwarfed by Bucky's own hands, and Steve couldn't help but smile at the sight. "Alright, little light. Time ta come out'n let Stevie help ya. If ya don't he's gonna be hasslin' me all ta hell. I need ya ta distract him."

"I don't hassle nobody."

"Do too. All-a the damn time."

"Ya know I got half a mind--"

"See what I mean? So do me a favor'n come on out. Whatever's wrong, Stevie'll sort it out. If he can't, I'll take care-a it instead. We got ya, little light, so start shinin' before ya make us start cryin' from worry."

Steve wasn't sure it would work, no matter how persuasive Bucky was. He shouldn't have doubted his friend though, because all the dames melted like butter when it came to him. Going slower than usual in an echo of Bucky's earlier reluctance, STAR slowly unfolded from her compass form. Her eyes and other spots of light were dimmer than usual, and as soon as the transformation was done she curled up and pressed herself against Bucky's hand.

"Oh, sweetheart..." Bucky willingly passed the bot over when Steve reached out, and Steve knew that they were wearing matching looks of concern. She snuggled up to Steve's palm, a barely noticeable tremor running through her body. "There ya are. I missed ya and I been awful worried. What's wrong, starry skies?"

"... I failed," she finally said, voice so small and soft he only caught it because of his enhanced senses. "I'm supposed to... Tony told me to take care of you, Steve, and he made me to help you, and I..."

"Hey, hey... none-a that. You--"

"I _failed_." she interrupted, small fist pounding into Steve's palm. "You only asked me to do one thing and I couldn't even... I had already done scans of a few things that looked important, but I thought... I thought I could get in and out of that pouch without him noticing. But on the way I saw you, and... and you looked..." Steve bit his lower lip to keep from cutting her off - she needed to get this off her chest. Probably sensing his struggle, Bucky again threw an arm around his shoulders and gave him a friendly squeeze.

"You were all... all bloody and... and I could tell some bones were broken. I've never... you're not supposed to look like that! You're... you're Captain America and you have the serum now so you're supposed to be stronger than anything and you looked like you should have been _dying_ , like you would have died if it weren't for Erskine. It _scared me_ , Steve. You're not... you aren't supposed to get hurt like that. I'm supposed to keep you from being hurt that way, and I... Tony would be so disappointed with me, and--"

"Hey, none-a that," Steve interrupted, because he wasn't going to let that stand. "Tony would never be disappointed in ya for somethin' like that, Starlight. Ya did the best ya could, 'n I'm the one who picked that fight. I made some bad choices, like closin' with the bastard the way I did. Shoulda stayed outta reach, but I didn't. That's on me - I didn't go with the strategy I know ya woulda suggested. 'N ya ain't shown me all-a what ya scanned yet, but I bet it's all stuff we need, stuff we can use. I know I'm damned proud-a ya, and I bet Tony'd be so proud-a ya he could bust if he could see ya now. Also know it'd break his heart ta hear ya say things like that. He loves ya as much as I do, and there ain't nothin' ya could do that'd make either of us stop bein' proud-a ya."

"But--"

"Nope." Bucky hated when he popped his 'p's almost as much as Tony did, so Steve wasn't surprised when Bucky jabbed him pretty hard in the ribs for doing it just then. "Watch it, Buck. 'M tryin' ta have a moment with my best girl here."

"Stuff it. Now listen ta me, little light - none-a that was your fault. Dunno exactly what happened at the beginning, but it was all bad luck, I'm thinkin'. It was bad luck that that Red Skull fella was at the base when we got there, was bad luck the alarms sounded when they did’n it was bad luck that he found ya out. Wasn't nobody's fault, not yours'n not Stevie's. Sometimes in war things just go all ta hell."

"But I got _caught_ and Steve got _hurt_. I'm supposed to take care of him."

"We're s'posed ta take care of each other. 'N I'm gonna get hurt sometimes sweetheart. I been takin' beatin's since I was knee-high though, so don't worry 'bout it - I can take it. As far as gettin' caught... it was your first real mission, 'n Red Skull's got the same senses as me'n Buck. That's a hell of a test, Starlight. The fact that ya walked away--" Steve stopped when he felt STAR start to tremble noticeably in his hands. "STAR, sweetheart..."

"I couldn't get away," she said in that almost too-quiet voice of hers. Steve had only heard it twice now, but he already knew that he hated it. "I tried and tried Steve, I did, but I just... how can I do what I was built to do when I couldn't even... he was holding on so tight. I thought... I was worried he might dent me, and I..."

Robots couldn't cry, but Steve was sure that if she could then STAR would be sniffling. His heart broke for her, and when he looked up at Bucky he could tell his friend was feeling much the same. Steve brought her to his chest, holding her lightly against the spot over his heart. She let out something that he would have called a whimper in a human, pressing herself tightly against him. In turn, Bucky pulled Steve tighter against his side and even tucked Steve's head under his chin. He wasn't Tony, but it was still nice to have someone to snuggle with again. 

"'M sorry ya got so scared, Starlight," he murmured to his bot, thumb sweeping up and down her back. "But lemme tell ya somethin' - you're a tough cookie. Ya got all-a that spunk from Tony, and ya been dodgin' danger since ya were a few days old with a brother like Dum-E. So I really am sorry ya were scared, 'n we'll pick missions a lot more carefully from now on... but you're gonna be fine. You're gonna pick yourself up right along with Buck, and we'll all move forward. We'll learn from this, all-a us, 'n next time we meet Red Skull he won't know what hit him."

Both Bucky and STAR laughed at that, and Steve felt himself start to relax. Because yeah, STAR was still shaking a little, and Buck was probably still a little scared of himself, but this was still a win. They had talked about it, and a burden shared was a burden halved. He would keep an eye on them and try to make sure to keep on talking until their demons got so tired of his prodding that they left entirely. Just then, it was enough that they were together. It was enough that STAR had come out of her compass form, and every time Steve looked up at Bucky, Bucky was looking right back.

~.~.~

_Dear Steve,_

_I'm writing this for Mémère who, as you know, still insists her English isn't good enough to send you letters. I do love the old woman, even if she borders on being ridiculous and exasperating._

_She says that she will never forgive you if you've been shot. I told her that you hadn't last we'd heard, but she says that you're such a troublemaker that it will happen sooner or later. Then she goes into a flurry of French that I haven't a chance of understanding. I think she's talking about bombs? I don't know. Sometimes she seems half lost in her memories, and I fear we may lose her before we're ready to let her go._

_Mémère would also like to know if you've found a nice young lady to take your mind off your lost love yet. She recommends a French girl, of course, because they are the most beautiful women of all. I tried to explain to her again why you don't want to find any girl, but she's very stubborn. In her mind the only way to fix a broken heart is to move on, and sometimes I think that's why she has been so welcoming to us all. With us here to fill the house with life and love, she doesn't have to think of her grandson, dead in the war almost as soon as it started or his parents who have been gone far longer._

_I've sent you a picture of her to hold onto, because in many ways she thinks of you as a grandson now, and I know you love her too. She misses you and her petite etoile blanc, and I know she's afraid for you. She loves the letters you send for her, and she has me read them to her over and over._

_She's asking what I've been writing because she hasn't said very much, so I should stop here. She wants you to stay safe, and says that you have her love. Also that you should try not to be blown up._

_Much love,_

_Mémère and Rose_

~.~.~

"I think we oughta steal the name Fury and Dum Dum came up with for their team."

"Wish we could, Buck. But I wanna live long enough ta meet ours."

"I could take Fury." Bucky pushed out his lower lip in a pout when Steve only snorted at the claim. "I could! Prob'ly. I'd have a fightin' chance anyway."

"Sure ya would Sergeant Valor."

"Will ya stop callin' me that? Hey, we oughta write some of our old men'n see if they can't figure out a name 'cause we stink at this."

"Why do we gotta name the team anyway? Colonel Phillips oughta just name it or somethin'. Think he'd wait 'til we get everybody together?"

"Mebbe. Only if I ask though. He's still kinda sore with ya."

"Don't make no kinda sense."

"'S 'cause you're such a punk."

Steve fought a smile as he rolled his eyes, shuffling through the papers in front of him. After STAR had shown him the documents that she'd scanned, he had carefully copied the important information. Passing it off as something he had seen when he separated from the others wasn't hard, though Fury and Phillips had side-eyed him the whole time he was spinning the tale. The sheer number of Hydra bases on the map he sketched out had them all concerned; the vague notes on Red Skull's 'final solution' had sent them into a flurry of action.

It was turning into a war with many fronts, and Red Skull was a pressing issue. He just wasn't the _only_ problem that needed to be dealt with. The Howling Commandos already had their marching orders, and everyone knew that Red Skull had been given the very first version of Erskine's serum. That, according to Colonel Phillips, made Bucky and Steve the best people to send out there to thwart his plans. It meant they needed a team, and he and Buck had even been allowed to pick people on their own.

Matthew Carter had been an immediate, unanimous pick. Phillips had briefly looked like he was sucking on lemons before he agreed to give up one of his best agents. Buck had asked if they couldn't steal James Howlett from the Commandos, and it had been Fury's turn to look just a little pissed off. They got the Wolverine anyway though, which had prompted Steve and Bucky to fist bump under the table.

Bucky had fallen in love with fist bumps as soon as Steve had shown them to him.

Steve wanted Arnie, which made Buck frown at him a little, but everyone else had agreed immediately. The other member they had picked was Edwin Jarvis. As soon as he'd seen the name on the list of possibilities, Steve had leaped at the chance to meet the man that had had such a profound effect on his Tony's life. Colonel Phillips had agreed with an expression of delight. When Fury commented on it, Steve learned that they were stealing Jarvis from Howard Stark. He wasn't proud of it, but Steve got a little thrill out of that idea too.

It was a small unit, but Steve was sure it was the _right_ one. He and Bucky didn't need a dozen or more men to help them deal with Red Skull and Hydra; they just needed ones that were willing to do what needed to be done. Edwin Jarvis and James Howlett were a bit of a gamble in his opinion, of course. Neither of them really knew either one, and there was the added need to protect Jarvis so he could make it to Tony. Except Howlett had been pretty damn helpful during the mission in Austria, and even if he wasn't a big talker he was a hell of a fighter. Steve had faith that it would all work out in the end.

He just wished Colonel Phillips hadn't demanded that he and Bucky pick a code name for the unit themselves. From the way Phillips had grinned as he handed down the order, he knew that neither one of them would enjoy the task. Steve had always known the Colonel had a soft spot for him.

"STAR, we need your help," Steve said as he pulled out the compass and laid it on the maps he and Bucky had been studying. "Can ya come out'n mebbe tell us what the hell we oughta call our unit?" The bot was quick to transform, but as soon as she had she made a sound like blowing a raspberry at Steve.

"I'm not the one who will be leading them," she pointed out as she surveyed the maps with interest. "And you two are the ones who are in charge of taking care of them. You should be the ones to pick the code name."

"C'mon little light," Buck said, voice turning smooth and sweet. It was the one he used when he was trying to charm a dame, and Steve rolled his eyes when he heard it. The most annoying part was how well it always worked. "Ya know we ain't no good at this kinda thing. Gimme a gun'n I'm good ta go, but words're a lot harder. Please? Won't ya help? I'd consider it a favor, 'n ya know once Stevie trusts 'em all you're gonna get introduced ta everyone. You'll be our mascot'n a source-a inspiration. So c'mon, help us name the men that're gonna be yours too."

"I can't believe the horse shit that pours outta your mouth," Steve started, only to be interrupted by STAR.

"I think you should call yourselves The Imps. You're going to be causing all kinds of mischief for Red Skull and Hydra, and none of you are exactly angels."

"Hey!" Steve said at the same time as Bucky. "I'll have ya know I'm practically a saint," he added, pretending he was more insulted than he was. STAR was such a brat sometimes, and he loved it - it was so much better than the way she'd been so timid and uncertain after her run in with Red Skull. He didn't think he could live without her sass anymore.

"'N I am so an angel. My ma even said so once."

"Well I hate to disagree with your mother, but I'm going to have to. You asked for my help and I gave it," she said, turning to face Bucky and propping her hands on her hips. "If you think it's such a terrible name, you can come up with one for yourself. Or you can both say 'thank you STAR, I appreciate your wisdom' and you won't have to think about names for another second."

There was a long pause, one where he and Buck looked at each other. "Thank ya STAR," they finally said in chorus. "We appreciate your wisdom."

STAR laughed, and it was probably the most beautiful sound Steve had ever heard. She was getting back to herself, but she had still been more withdrawn and severe than usual. To have her laughing and teasing them again was like the sun coming out after a long storm. Even better was the fact that she had saved them from the awful process of having to name their unit. She was amazing, and Steve loved her more than anything in his world.

"Now. We should go over our plan of attack. Does Colonel Phillips expect us to go through the bases in a straight line?"

"Yeah," Buck said while exchanging a look with Steve. "Says it makes the most sense when it comes ta military resources'n shit."

"So we're gonna not do it that way. 'Cause that'd be predictable."

"My boys are so smart," she teased before heading Bucky's way and climbing up to perch on his shoulder. "Walk me through the plan, Steve. Then I'll tell you how to fix it."

~.~.~

_Steve,_

_David says thank you for the pictures you drew, and you made his mother cry. In a good way though, because she just misses Aaron so much, and seeing such a good likeness of him was difficult for her. She even let me hug her after, which doesn't really happen very often. Or at all. She wants her son to marry a good Jewish girl, and even once I convert I won't be everything she wanted for him. While she tolerates me and teaches me things to make David smile, she doesn't really like me very much. But I know that David loves me, and she'll come to do the same. Probably not until I give her grandchildren though, so I'll have to start trying as soon as we're married._

_Because we are going to be married, no matter what his parents or our sisters say. Well, Melly has been good about it all. She even reads the Torah with me some nights, which is so sweet of her. I know she's more invested in going to church than I ever was, but she’s still so understanding of why I need to do this. The more I study, the more I feel like this is how I'm supposed to come to know God. It makes more sense to me, and I can't help but feel that fate guided me to David, who is my perfect match, to help me find my path to Him._

_Rose is trying, I think, but she gets pulled in so many directions. She's the older sister for all of us, and we all ask so much of her. I think that's why she writes that Matthew Carter so often. All he wants from her is a letter here or there._

_Don't tell her I know that though - I shouldn't have stolen his letters the way I did, but she wouldn't tell us anything. I thought maybe they were exchanging risque promises and words, but it's all just so normal and boring. I don't know why she refuses to talk about it._

_I hope you're doing well. I miss you, and I wish you could come home right now. It isn't only that I want you to get to know David. I miss the way you teased us all in the morning, and the way you smiled even though I know you're still hurting over your lost love. I miss the way you took care of us, and I miss the Starlight you brought into our lives._

_Sometimes someone will ask if I know anyone fighting over there, and I always tell them that my brother is out on the front lines. Because you are, you know. I love you and I miss you, and I hope you're safe. I hope the same for Bucky, for Rachel's sake. She's become my greatest friend who isn't also family, and I know it would kill her to lose her big brother. It would kill me too._

_So stay safe, please, and come home to us soon._

_Always your girl,_

_Lisa_

~.~.~

"I'm not entirely sure why I'm here, to be honest."

The voice coming through the door was both British and unfamiliar, and Steve sat up straight in his chair. Edwin Jarvis was set to arrive that day, and Steve was pretty sure that it was him. 

This was it - a moment he'd been looking forward to for what seemed like forever. He felt like a bloodhound who had caught a scent. He was even trembling a little, and Bucky was looking at him with quite with concern. Steve offered him a lopsided smile and shook his head. "Ain't nothin’," he told his friend quietly. "Well, a Tony thing."

Being the stand up guy that he was, Bucky just nodded and clapped him on the shoulder. Steve gripped STAR's compass form and took a deep breath, trying to figure out how he wanted to approach this. He didn't know Jarvis, Jarvis didn't know him, and this world's Tony didn't even exist yet. So he just needed to treat Jarvis like any other guy.

"Well, Captain America requested you personally," Carter answered him cheerfully, which meant that Steve's strategy might not work the way he wanted it to. "Though you shouldn't call him that very often. It upsets Sergeant Valor, you know. Steve was only ever a private but now he outranks Bucky in the minds of a lot of people. Gets Bucky all rankled and shook up. But they're both good sorts, never you fear."

"If you say so. It just seems a bit peculiar, that's all. I've been guarding Howard since the war started, you know. To be pulled away from that assignment now is just a bit--"

"Yes well, at least you'll see more action now, eh? Besides, with Howard's temper I would think you'd be a bit pleased to get away."

"He's not that bad, so long as you don't interrupt his work. Well, he's grumpy all the time but that's alright. I just offer him some tea when he gets unmanageable and he seems to understand the intent behind it. Usually he'll get back to being only a bit of an ass after."

Steve and Bucky both snorted out a laugh, and then Steve got out of his chair and went to greet his two British team members. He was still excited and nervous; really, he felt like he was about to ask someone to go dancing for the first time. He shouldn't be so giddy over this meeting, but he just couldn't help it. He didn't wait for either man to knock, just threw open the door. He knew he was smiling too big and too bright, but trying to contain his eagerness just wasn't working.

"Carter!" he greeted first, stepping forward to draw Matthew into a hug. The agent looked startled for a moment, but then he indulged Steve. They both gave each other a few pounds on the back before Steve stepped back to give him a glare. "Ya been writin' my Rosie an awful lot, from what I hear."

"What? Oh. Well, yes," Matthew said, just a hint of a flush on his cheeks. "She's a lovely girl. Spirited sort, you know?"

"Ya got any intentions that I oughta be worried about? 'Cause that's my sister’n if ya break her heart I'll have ta break your face no matter how much I like ya."

"Steven! I would _never_ ," Matthew returned, looking so thoroughly offended that Steve had to battle back a smile. "I've only ever met her the once. It's just nice to have someone to write to, and she's very intelligent and rather sweet beneath all the swearing and the threats."

"No fallin' in love with her until ya get home from the war," Steve told him, mock-stern. "Wait 'til ya can get back ta her and court her proper." Matthew just rolled his eyes, still blushing a little, so Steve took pity on him and turned his attention to Edwin Jarvis who looked as amused as Steve felt. "Ya gotta be Jarvis," he said as he stepped toward him and offered his hand. "It's real nice ta meet ya."

As soon as Jarvis took his hand, Steve began to shake it enthusiastically while taking the man in. Jarvis stood straight and proper the same way Carter did, a stoic quality to his face that seemed awful British to Steve. In his eyes though, Steve was sure he could see a hint of kindness and humor - two things he was sure Tony would need growing up.

"The pleasure is mine, Captain." Even with Bucky in the other room, Steve could still hear the derisive snort Bucky made at the title. The best part about his superhero name was the way it grated on his friend's nerves. "Though I'm not quite sure why you requested me for your merry band."

"Well," Steve scrambled for a reason that didn't involve a visit to another world's future. "Ya meet people in this line-a work, don’tcha? Some of 'em have mentioned ya, and I thought anyone who managed ta put up with Stark so long has gotta be a man-a strength'n character. So I figured that mebbe ya might wanna help us out. Plus ya have been with Stark, so ya gotta have picked up a thing or two 'bout them weapons Hydra's got."

"I suppose that's true enough. I'm honored. Though I do hope the next guard they find for Howard knows to offer him tea when he turns into a complete ass."

"You can always write and tell whoever ends up with the unpleasant task," Carter pointed out. "Now I think we ought to get you introduced to Bucky. Is he in there pouring over the maps again?"

"Yeah, 'n I'm sure he'd be real pleased if ya interrupted him. He's still not so good at long-term plannin'. He'd be lost if he didn't have me ta help him out."

"Fuck ya, Stevie!" Bucky shouted, making Steve, Matthew and Jarvis laugh. After a moment, Carter cleared his throat and then gave Steve a small smile.

"By the way. There's a bit of a surprise waiting for you by the mess hall. I think you'll be rather caught up in it, so I figured introducing you to Edwin here first was the best plan."

"A surprise?"

"I won't ruin it, so don't pry any further. Off with you! We must speak with Sergeant Valor uninterrupted."

"I'll have ya know I'm a Captain and ya can't just go orderin' me ta do anythin'," Steve teased, laughing again when Matthew only swatted at him. "But I'll go anyway, since ya got me all curious. Buck! Try not ta scare 'em off, would ya?"

"Get your ass down ta the mess, Stevie, before I gotta thump ya."

Steve did as he was told, still smiling too big and too bright. Jarvis seemed like he might fit in just fine, and he would get to know the man who would take care of Tony. Maybe not _his_ Tony, but one all the same - it was important to Steve that he got the love and support that he needed. And if all went well, if his and Buck's men proved trustworthy enough, he would introduce Jarvis to STAR and make sure that Jarvis knew all about the son that Howard would never treat right. 

The closer he got to the mess hall, however, the more he started to think about his 'surprise'. "What the hell could it be?" he wondered to himself, hoping it wasn't anything that would embarrass him. When Howlett had joined them, the man had 'gifted' Steve and Bucky each a night with a prostitute. That would have been bad enough - Steve would have just refused, probably blushing all the while. But the man who was known as the Wolverine had done it in front of _everyone_. The catcalls and jeers had been awful, and Steve had spent the rest of the evening wishing that the earth would swallow him.

God, if it was something like that again, he'd be setting the culprit to peeling potatoes for the next week.

What he actually got was a hell of a lot better, and he couldn't help the joyful shout that left his lips when he saw his surprise. "Arnie!" Steve's best friend turned to face him and gave a whoop of his own. Before he could think better of it, they were running to each other; when they met in the middle, Arnie caught him up in a fierce, familiar hug. "Damn am I glad ta see ya," Steve whispered into his shoulder. It was a fight not to burst into tears. He hadn't let himself miss Arnie too much, hadn't let himself think of all the ways his best friend could be hurt while out there fighting. Now it all hit him at once, and it really was almost enough to make a man weep.

"I missed you too, Stevie," Arnie said, giving him a tight squeeze. In the next breath he stepped back and socked Steve _hard_ in the shoulder. "What was you thinkin', you stupid bastard?" he demanded, fire in his eyes. "Soon as I was gone you went and got yourself into all kinds of trouble, didn't you? If you think I'm ever gonna let you go off without me again, you got another thing comin'. I oughta tan your hide for all the worryin' you've made me do over the years."

"Listen here, ya mook," Steve said with a grin, not caring about the men that had stopped to stare. "I'm a Captain now, and ya can't go beatin' up your superior officers. 'Less ya wanna get court martialed, anyway. 'Cause I can do that for ya, if'n ya want."

"After all the times I pulled your skinny ass outta the fire, you're gonna threaten me with a court martial? Dunno what happened to you while I was gone, but you was never so cruel back home. Is it that Bucky fellow that's turned your heart to stone?" Laughing, Steve punched Arnie's arm - for the first time in their long friendship, he was the one who had to mind his strength. "By the way, what've they been feedin' you?" Arnie asked, rubbing the spot Steve had hit.

"Ain't what they been feeding me, it's what happened back in the States. I was gonna tell ya all about it, but you're bein' such an ass that mebbe I won't."

Arnie scoffed while he slung one arm over Steve's shoulders and steered him toward the door to the mess hall. "Ain't gonna tell me nothin' until after we eat anyhow. I've been marchin' all across Europe, you know, then had to turn right back around and move double time to get here quick for you. I need some food in my stomach before I faint away. Then..." Arnie paused and looked down, searching Steve's eyes before sighing and shaking his head. "Then we'll go somewhere more private and you can tell me all about the trouble you pulled us into now."

"Yeah. Guess I owe ya that much."

"You damn sure do, Stevie."

~.~.~

_Dear Stevie,_

_It's been raining all day, and I can't count the number of complaints I've heard about it. I don't know why people seem to hate it - we need rain if we want to eat, after all, and the sound of it is so soothing. So what if you need to wear different shoes than usual or carry an umbrella? The world without rain would be a sad, sorry place I think._

_As it drummed on the roof at work, I made a game of typing along to the beat and it made the hours pass a little quicker. Oh, I still love my new job, don't worry about that. But with so many people to write to and who write to me, I can hardly wait until work it over so I can check the post. I almost always have a letter or two, and sometimes a package from you or Bucky._

_You two spoil all of us, you know. Rose is about ready to tear her hair out._

_Tomorrow is Saturday, and I plan to spend the whole day outside even if the rain keeps on pouring down. Rose and Mémère will fuss and fret, but so long as I bundle up and wear two pairs of socks I should be fine. I won't care even if I do end up with a case of the sniffles, because my heart longs for a bit of air and room to roam. I may try to convince Becca to join me. The more I get to know her, the more wonderful I find her._

_Do you know that she knits shawls and booties and gloves that are just as fine as anything you can buy in a store? I've never had the patience for any kind of craft like that, but she can sit and happily go at it for hours at a time. I've started to give her a dollar or two when I can so she can buy better yarn, the kind that feels almost like silk when you run your fingers over it. If she wanted she could sell her pieces for a pretty penny, and I'm happy to contribute to the venture where I can in exchange for a shawl to keep out the cold. She would rather stay inside and knit tomorrow, probably, but a bit of air will do her good._

_Besides - and you MUST keep this a secret - she can use the time to write her beau. He's over there in Europe with all our boys, and she misses him so much. Bucky doesn't know about him and Rachel is always stealing their letters to laugh over, which is such a shame. She's started using me to pass letters back and forth so they can stay private. I know you'll keep her secret as well as I do, because you're a good soul._

_Maybe if it's raining too hard we can stop at the little cafe that just opened a few blocks away. I love to stop there during my lunch break for coffee - Steve, I make enough money to have COFFEE at a CAFE. I can't afford the pastries and things often, but I think splurging this one time to make Becca smile might be worth it. She's as stressed as Rose is. Rachel is even more of a handful than Lisa, if you can believe it, and Becca runs herself ragged trying to look after her. I do believe I may try to step in and help her a little more. I know that I would do the same for Rose if she would let me. I only hope that Becca won't be as stubborn._

_You know, the longer I listen to the rain, the more I find myself itching to write more than just letters. I don't talk about it much because it seems so silly, but sometimes I dream of writing a novel. I know, I know - it's far fetched and impractical, but I still want to try on days like this. I don't know._

_I do know that I miss you, and I'm glad that you have Arnie joining you soon enough. You two are brothers as much as you are one to me, and family should be together whenever they can. I've given him my love in letters to him, but remind him that I pray for him when you get this, and do the same for Bucky. I do love to write letters, so ask Bucky if he would like to start getting some from me as well._

_I love you, stay safe, and I hope you continue to be watched over by Starlight._

_Melinda_

~.~.~

Having Arnie back at his side filled a hole in Steve's chest that he hadn't fully realized was there. Bucky was great, no doubt about that, but he hadn't been treating Steve's skinned knees since they were boys. He hadn't jumped right into the fire at Steve's side dozens of times, and he hadn't been the one to hold Steve after his mother passed away. Arnie had been with him so long that he was like a part of Steve, just as essential as his lungs or heart. To have him right there again, where Steve could see and touch him, made all the difference in the world.

STAR had missed him too, and she made that clear by sitting on Arnie's shoulder whenever she was able. For the moment that was only when Steve was alone with Arnie or Buck was with them both, but as soon as they left the base Steve had every intention of sharing at least a few of his secrets with his other men. Matthew was a friend and had Rose's trust, and Steve ached to make sure Jarvis knew about and would take care of Tony. Howlett's lips were usually locked tight, and Steve didn't really expect much of a reaction besides a grunt and maybe a 'nice pet, bub' or something like that.

He needed STAR to be part of their maneuvers and the best way to do that was to bring her out of the shadows.

"Stevie?"

Arnie's voice pulled him abruptly out of his thoughts, and he set down his pencil before looking over. "What's up?"

"Stop usin' that future talk," Arnie said with a roll of his eyes. "You know nobody knows what you're sayin'. And you been starin' at that paper long enough, don't you think? Thought you was gonna draw somethin' for little Brian? I paid you money and everythin'."

"Can it. Ya know you'll get your drawin'." Steve said as he pushed back from the desk. "Just got a lot on my mind right now is all. We move out tomorrow, ya know. Got a long march ta that first base."

"We ain't even marchin' the whole way," Arnie replied. As soon as he plopped down on Steve's bed, STAR was climbing up to settle on his shoulder. His best girl certainly got on with other fellas, he thought with a grin. They all melted into goo over her, so he didn't mind so much that she did the same for Bucky. The mook was awful charming when he put his mind to it. "... is givin' us a jeep," Arnie was saying when Steve tuned back into the conversation. "It's real generous of him, 'specially since he don't even like you."

"He likes me fine!" Steve argued hotly, pretty sure Arnie was talking about Phillips. "He just doesn't always know how ta show it. He never woulda let me on the field if'n he didn't. Don't let the yellin'n all-a that fool ya. He's got a soft spot for me a mile wide."

"You just keep tellin' yourself that Stevie," Arnie said, sounding overly patient as he ran his fingers over STAR's head and down her back. "I'm sure you're his favorite."

"I never said _that_. Buck's his favorite, hands down no question. 'S just that he likes me too. Admittin' it would make him look soft though, so he's just gotta keep it ta himself."

"Sure. Hey, I brought my cards along with me. You up for a game, oh niece of mine? I been gettin' a lot better at poker. You was always beatin' me back at the apartment, but I think I could probably hold my own now."

"Sure thing, uncle Arnie," STAR chirped as she jumped down to the bed. "And it doesn't matter how good you are, you still have tells. I don't. I'm not human enough for them - I'll win every time. It's just a good thing we don't play for money."

"Even if we did, you'd give it all back after. You wouldn't deny my little Brian his presents, would you?"

"No, I guess not. He is my cousin after all."

"Would ya two give it a rest? Ya ain't really related, ya know. Was just a ploy so STAR could write ya."

"Hey now," Arnie said as he got out the cards and started to shuffle. "She's basically your kid, Stevie. That's what you was always sayin' back home. We're brothers, ain't we? So of course I'm her uncle, just like you're Brian's. We's a family, dummy. I'm dealin' you in so I can win against somebody, by the way. Since you ain't havin' no luck with the drawin' I paid for, you might as well come play."

Before Steve could answer there was a knock at the door in a specific rhythm that let him know it was Buck. "Come in," he called as he dragged his chair over to the bed. Heaven forbid they play on desk or his small table, after all. Though it was probably best they avoid the latter, since Steve still had maps and possible movements strewn all over it. "Deal him in too," he said when Bucky had entered and shut the door behind him. "I wanna see him kick your ass since you're bein' all kinds-a mean ta me."

"Ya prolly deserve it, ya punk," Bucky said without missing a beat. "I know how ya are, so don't ya go pittin' me and Arnie against each other." Bucky grabbed another chair and brought it over, putting the back toward the bed and sitting on it that way with his arms draped over the top. "What're we playin'?" he asked, not even commenting on the way Arnie was eyeing him appreciatively as he continued to shuffle.

'I'm gonna be married, Stevie, but I ain't dead so I can look,' he had told Steve after first meeting Bucky. 'And I sure as hell am gonna look at someone handsome as that'. Thankfully Bucky didn't seem to care, didn't confront Arnie or just punch him like a lot of other guys would have. He just took it in stride and treated Arnie like a friend, and Steve couldn't be more glad that the two of them were getting along.

"Poker. Stevie sucks, STAR has an unfair advantage, and I been learnin' some tricks out on the front. You any good?"

Bucky smiled a shark's smile, and Steve agreed with STAR. Arnie was real lucky that they weren't betting any money.

~.~.~

_Dear Stevie,_

_All your other girls keep making plans about what we'll do when the war is over. You're in all of them, and I just don't have the heart to dash their hopes. While I'm so happy that you trusted me with all of the truth, I can't help but find it a terrible burden some days. I miss you so much, and the thought that I might not ever see you again breaks my heart. To have the others flitting around making all these plans is just... it's so hard, Stevie._

_I'm sorry, I don't mean to make you feel bad. It just feels like I'm being pulled in a hundred different directions these days. Mémère has caught a bad cold, and the doctor who came to see her is afraid that if it settles in her chest she could have a very difficult time of it. Doctors are so expensive, and he wants to come once a week to check on her - maybe more if she worsens. I have a feeling he doesn't need to be here that often, but I'm afraid to be wrong and tell him not to come only for Mémère to get so sick she won't recover._

_Susan is beginning to plan a wedding even though she has no date, no ring, and no idea when Arnie might come home. It's wonderful to see her so excited about something. It's put the light back in her eyes, the one that dimmed the moment that awful man left her alone to deal with a child._

_If I ever see him again I'll break his nose, I swear to God I will. Matthew showed me how to punch as good as any man before he left for Europe, and I would love to defend Susan's honor for her. Anyway, little Brian is still a delight and he loves all the little things that Arnie sends for him. They'll be good together, I'm sure of it, but I'm terrified that something might happen to him. I don't know how Susan would recover from that._

_I know you already have much on your plate, but please, PLEASE look after him the best you can._

_Lisa is an absolute terror and if I didn't love her so much I would wash my hands of her. All day long it's 'David this' and 'David that' - David is a very nice young man, but I don't need to hear stories about it all the damn time. And oh, the way she goes on about his mother! If she dislikes his family so much maybe she shouldn't dream so often of marrying into it, but you know how she gets. She is nothing if not a romantic, and there's no stopping her._

_I’ve kept it from Susan - who worries so much - but there have been a few nights when she hasn't come home at all. I don't know what she’s been getting up to, but I just hope she doesn't end up in trouble. She won't speak of it, of course, or at least not to me. I'm sure Rachel knows all about it, for whenever she comes over they're always holed up in one corner or another, giggling. I don't know what to do with her - I'm not her mother, and I can't be chasing after her all the time to keep her safe._

_Melinda just wants to help, but I don't want to weigh her down. She's going to do wonderful things, I can feel it. With that new job of hers she practically glows with happiness, and she's even more confident than she was before. She doesn't even seem to realize that many of the men who didn't go off to Europe are eager to capture her attention. For all her talk of wanting a soldier and for all the men she used to dance with when we went out in the evening, she seems perfectly content to be on her own. I know that she sees Becca often, so please assure Bucky that his sister is in good hands._

_I'm sorry to go on like this. Please don't worry about me even if I've spent most of this letter complaining. I may not be the oldest but I've fallen into the role of the elder sister for all of you, and most days I don't mind. It's only that I'm tired and I miss you. I miss you so much some days it makes my chest ache. Matthew says that you're doing well and that he looks forward to serving with you. That means he'll see more fighting too, which makes me worry about him._

_Now I have four men to worry about and with no end to the war in sight. I tell you if I weren't so worried about Lisa and Susan I would come over there myself to take care of all of you._

_Please stay safe, Steve, for as long as you possibly can._

_Always your girl even when it's hard,_

_Rosie-posie_

~.~.~

"So lemme get this straight," Howlett growled around a cigar. Steve knew he wasn't upset or anything - he always seemed to be growling. It was just part of who the Wolverine was. "You got some fancy robot from some far off world and now she's coming into battle with us?"

"'Bout sums it up," Steve said with a nod, hope and nervousness battling it out in his chest. Howlett's brow was furrowed as he stared at STAR, who was cuddled up against the nape of Steve's neck. She was worried too, he knew, and hadn't yet said anything besides a quiet 'hello'. "She's been my secret weapon since before I even met Erskine."

Matthew and Jarvis were both staring while pretending not to be ruffled. It would be funny if he weren't so worried by Howlett's heavy attention. Howlett puffed his cigar a few times, ash falling from the end, then shrugged one shoulder. "Welcome to the team, bub."

"My name's STAR," she said, sounding a little huffy. "Not 'bub'."

"Don't like to remember names. Too much work. Everyone's bub. Gonna check the perimeter." Howlett climbed to his feet and ambled away. Steve couldn't help but give a sigh of relief - that was one reaction down. Matthew and Jarvis still hadn't gathered themselves enough to talk, and he could hear Arnie and Bucky snickering behind him.

"You both knew about this?" Matthew finally demanded, leaning around Steve to glare at the pair of them. "That seems rather unfair, Steve. You could have told me at Camp Leigh, you know."

"Didn't even tell Buck until after we got the serum," Steve said quietly. "After we lost Erskine. I figured I oughta let someone else know 'bout her and about what I know."

"What you know? I’m afraid I don't quite understand," Jarvis said even as he stepped forward and held out his hands. "Hello STAR. May I?" There was a moment of silence as the 'bot deliberated, and then she stepped onto Jarvis' outstretched palms with all the grace and stateliness of a queen. "My my my. You are a piece of art, aren't you? I've never seen anything so marvelous, not even in Howard's workshop."

STAR made that sound that was akin to blowing a raspberry - not her rudest noise, but definitely one that showed her contempt for the topic at hand. "Howard could never come _close_ to creating someone like me. He may be a genius, but he's also limited in the scope of his ideas. It's always 'weapons weapons weapons' with him, isn't it? Now his _son_ \- his son will be a totally different story."

"His son?" Jarvis asked, eyebrows scrunching together. "As far as I know the man has no intention of marrying anyone or producing any heirs."

"Not now. But when he gets older, when he starts being afraid that his legacy will die with him? He won't be able to stand that."

"No," Jarvis said thoughtfully. "I don't suppose he would. Well. In any case you are a marvel, and I am truly honored to make your acquaintance."

"I like you," STAR told him, sounding just a little bit bashful. She did like it when people flattered her, Steve thought with a smile. "You're the only one who appreciates me the way they should. Steve! Take a lesson, please. This is how you treat a lady."

"Well if I ever meet a lady I'll make sure ta do it like Jarvis here."

"Steve you should remember that while you have to sleep, I don't," she said sweetly, turning away from Jarvis to stare up at Steve, hands on her hips. "Maybe next time you go to bed I'll shave that cat off your face."

"It's a beard!" Steve told her, blushing when the other four men broke into guffaws.

"It's awful and patchy."

"'Cause I just started. Just ya wait, ya brat. It's gonna look great once it grows in."

"If it ever does," she said with a sniff. "Scruff doesn't suit you. You should be thanking me, not defending it."

"Be nice, little light," Bucky admonished. Steve appreciated the backup, even if he wasn't happy with the grin Bucky was wearing while he gave it. He liked the way Arnie was still laughing as he slung an arm around Steve's shoulders even less. "Stevie's tryin'n he don't need us sassin' him while he does. He's a Captain, ya know. 'S close ta mutiny and he might actually get around ta givin' those court martials he's always talkin' about."

"None-a ya have any respect for me, do ya? Well you're gonna regret it. I'm gonna make all-a ya do the scut work from now on while I recline on a log or some shit'n watch."

"Now Steve, let's not be hasty," Matthew said quickly, the twinkle in his eyes giving him away. "I'm on your side, you know. Your friend STAR is lovely, but I for one would be absolutely crushed if she shaved off that magnificent beard you're growing. Truly, I would weep tears into my pillowcase every night."

"I hate all-a ya."

"No you don't," Arnie murmured into his ear. Steve could feel the way he was smiling. "Admit it, you was lonely and bored before you had us."

"Nah. I miss the quiet." Bucky heard him and gave him a light shove that soon turned into a playful scuffle that neither of them really won. It was nice to have the moment of levity and humor, because they were butted right up against the border to Germany. The next day they'd be headed into truly hostile territory.

There was a Hydra base only a two-day march away, and Steve was hoping they could take it without too much trouble. If they managed it, if they could secure it, the place would be a good base for the Allied forces. Steve also had it on good authority that there was a concentration camp nearby. If they could take the base without destroying it, he was sure he would be able to convince whoever took charge of the place to help the Imps liberate it.

He had made a promise to Erskine, and it was one he was going to remember.

Once Howlett was back and they were all settled around the fire eating their rations, however, Steve knew it was time to get back to business. "I know we've been over the map and the plan a couple-a times, and we're gonna do some scoutin' before we commit completely to any kind-a strategy," Steve told them, putting a bit of authority into his voice.

It was strange, doing the leading and talking with Bucky a quiet shadow standing behind him. Still, he would do it - he could take his turn getting his hands dirty to give Buck some peace of mind. "But what we ain't talked about enough are their weapons. Now STAR's got some intel, but they're from a different war. I wanna know what you've seen workin' with Howard, Jarvis."

"Of course. As you know, they aren't like anything we've ever seen before. Howard has tried a few experiments on those we've managed to get our hands on, but it isn't going very well at all. It's the power source, you see. That's what makes them special, different, and dangerous. While most of them seem to simply fire off... well. Energy, for lack of a better way to express it, a few of them are even worse," he added, setting aside his dinner to grab a pencil and a grubby piece of paper. "A few of them seem to... Howard called it 'displacing', which is as good a description as any, I suppose. With them, anything they hit simply vanishes, never to be seen again."

As he spoke, he was sketching out the rough form of a gun, one that had been heavily modified. "If you see anyone with one of _these_ , do whatever you must to keep the beam from hitting you. It isn't something that even Sergeant Valor or Captain America can come back from. But again, these seem to be fewer and far between. Howard thought that perhaps they were more difficult to construct or require more power than the others, which would make it more difficult to harness. We've also heard reports of a few tanks--"

"They got tanks with that kind of firepower?" Howlett demanded in that growl of his. Jarvis just smiled a grim smile and nodded before continuing on with his impromptu lesson.

STAR was listening intently and could back up many of his statements, and she could even add a few things. Both she and Steve kept mum about the Tesseract, though. They had figured early on that it was something that most people didn't need to know about. Not when human nature was to be curious and oftentimes greedy. It was too dangerous to let fall into the wrong hands, and if they could make sure it ended up in the ocean with Steve (if he did) and stay there until he was found (if he was), it would be for the best.

By the end of their discussion, Steve knew that he had been right to have Jarvis join the team. He was smart, observant, and was their best best to handle the weapons Hydra was developing. He was no Howard Stark, of course, but he hadn't been standing idly by while Stark tinkered. Jarvis was an asset in his own right, and not just because of his future role when it came to Tony.

Steve had a good team, the _right_ team. In a few days they were going to prove it, and even Colonel Phillips would have to agree.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks very much to my lovely beta Kierna Serea who continues to catch the weird grammar/vocab things I do and is a great sounding board for ideas. <3
> 
> I have a [Tumblr](http://tahlreth.tumblr.com) if you wanna come check it out! Looking for prompts of any kind (gen, m/m, m/f, whatevs) for March 'cause I'm gonna try to post something every day that month. So you can drop some in my ask box, leave one here, or shoot me a PM if you're shy. XD
> 
> Once again, thanks muchly for reading, hope you enjoy and have a lovely day. <3


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yaaay, Wednesday chapter! I do love this story, so it's been nice to have a regular update schedule. :D
> 
> Hope you enjoy, maybe leave me a comment if you do. <3

There was nothing so cruel as the dreams Loki gave him of Tony. Or maybe it wasn't the doing of the god at all. Maybe his soul was reaching for Tony's, and maybe Tony's was reaching right back. Maybe Tony dreamed of him in this same way. Steve hoped he didn't though. They were torture, these glimpses into his love's life. The dreams that were only that were better. In those, Steve could touch Tony, and they were both happy.

In Tony's real life he just seemed tired and sad.

This dream had started with him slumped over a coffee table that Steve remembered as theirs. On it sat a bottle of scotch - Steve thought it might even be the same bottle that Tony had used to clean out his cut the first night they had met. Next to it was a framed photograph of the two of them, and Tony kept running his fingers over Steve's cheek. Maybe he thought if he tried hard enough he would be able to pretend the glass was warm skin.

It was enough to break Steve's heart, and the dream was real enough that he felt a tear drip down his cheek. "Tony..." No reaction, but he hadn't really expected one. At least he had enough weight and presence to sink down onto the couch beside Tony. And even if his fella couldn't feel it, Steve leaned into his side and rested his head on Tony's shoulder. Being home without _being there_ was awful, the absolute worst; even cuddled against him, he couldn't feel Tony's warmth or catch his scent.

"God, I miss you," Tony whispered suddenly, making Steve bite back a whimper. "You would know what to do, Tiny Adorable Steve. Even if you didn't, you'd _listen_ to me while I worked it out." Tony gave a laugh that was half-sob, bringing his hand to cover his face. "Probably give me some kisses too, which would be fucking nice. And the cuddling - you were always so happy to just cuddle with me and... I just miss you. Even if you were here glaring at me it would be better than you being gone. The boys miss you as much as I do, and so does Fri. She even pretends not to think I'm crazy when I talk to you like this."

"You aren't crazy, Tony," Steve said, knowing Tony couldn't hear. "I do the same sometimes, when STAR and Buck and Arnie are asleep. I miss ya too."

"U is still drawing. I think it makes him feel close to you. I have to let Dum-E go up and help with the reconstruction of the common floor or he mopes all day. Fri hides her grief a little better, but I can tell. There's these moments for all of us where it feels like you're here, and then we have to remember that you're not. Fuck, it's been three months already - shouldn't it be at least a little easier by now?"

"'S been years for me. Still miss ya every damn second of every damn day."

"Dealing with Rogers doesn't make it any easier. He’s close enough to being you that it hurts, but different enough that it hurts even more. I'd never want to be with him the way I was with you, but it'd be nice if he could just... if he would just listen the way you did. I guess he does with some of the other Avengers, but I know he frustrates even Nat sometimes. And something's going on that he won't tell me about - does he think I don't _notice_ that he keeps sending Sam and Nat out on their own, or that sometimes he goes on secret 'missions' that Maria is definitely not coordinating? I'm not stupid or blind. If he would just tell me I would help. Why don't they know that I would help?"

"'Cause they're fuckin' idiots. Rhodey knows though. Bet that Vision fella might too, if he's got anythin' of JARVIS in him. I met Jarvis ya know. Not your Jarvis, but... he's a swell guy. I like him a lot'n I can see why ya'd make an AI named after him."

"And the Accords... I don't even know where to start with them. I've tried sounding out Rogers, but it's... fuck. Even if someone was just _suggesting_ them I don't think he'd go for it. He doesn't have a great track record when it comes to respecting other people's authority. Most of the time that's fine… well no, not really. At least half the time everything goes to shit because of it, I won't lie. Not to you anyway, even if you're not really here to hear it."

Steve couldn't even feel the fabric of Tony's shirt when he turned his head and hid his face against Tony's shoulder. More tears were escaping, because his fella _needed_ him, and he was off playing hero in a world that probably would have been fine if Buck had been Captain America, or Sergeant Valor. He shouldn't have listened to Loki, shouldn't have gone... but when he really thought about it, Steve knew he couldn't have made any other decision, not with the information he'd had at the time. Even now, he wasn’t sure he could live with himself if he went back and made a different choice.

"Maybe I made a mistake, not letting them know how hard I work to keep them from dealing with the consequences. Because there were a hell of a lot of 'em, Tiny Adorable Steve. I don't mind paying for reconstruction costs, especially when it comes to the mess in Sokovia. That was my fault, and helping people get back on their feet is more important than money. But I don't... I should have clued them in to the other stuff. Like how pissed off the leaders and military in other countries get when someone called 'Captain America' starts fights in their backyards. Hell, even when it was all the Avengers working together nobody really liked it."

Tony scrubbed both hands over his face; not really being there meant that at least the movement didn't jostle Steve. It was cold comfort though, and Steve was so tired of being cold.

"I keep fucking this up. It was so much easier when I was on my own, or when it was just me and War Machine. Rhodey _gets_ me even when he doesn’t agree with me. Teams are a lot harder. Bet you're managing your own just fine, but I'm not... people are so much harder than bots and AI's. It's not because I make them either - Jay was a sassy shit and Fri is right on track to follow in his footsteps. I don't understand why other people are so much harder. I try, but I just... I fuck it up. Rogers is going to hate the Accords."

Another of those laughs that wasn't really a laugh. Even though neither of them could feel it, Steve wrapped both arms around Tony's waist. He didn't think it would really help, but he tried to project as much love as he could to his fella. Seeing Tony look so defeated, to hear him beat himself up the way he was... it was _awful_. He wanted to see Tony, but not like this. Not when he couldn't offer any comfort.

"They aren't even that bad. Thaddeus is a complete ass, but he wasn't wrong - it could be a whole lot worse. The fact that King T'Chaka is supporting them is huge, and yeah there are tweaks that could be made, but it's not... it's not awful. Mostly it's about oversight, and nobody _has_ to sign them. If you aren't going on missions internationally, or if you aren't going on any at all... you don't have to sign. It doesn't make countries keep track of their supers the way Thaddeus wants to do with them in the US. And there should be something like this, shouldn't there? SHIELD was a shit-show in a lot of ways, but we still need something like it. We need someone to keep us in check. At least with the UN there'll be so many competing agendas that we shouldn't ever _really_ be beholden to any of them. He's still going to hate them, fuck."

"Sorry sweetheart," Steve whispered, fingers trying to grab hold of Tony's shirt and failing. "Don't really understand what they're about, but they don't sound too bad. If I was there I'd have ya read 'em ta me, 'n we could figure out how ta talk ta Rogers together."

"... he doesn't have to know about them yet though," Tony said to himself. Steve couldn't help but wince, because he wasn't sure that was the right tack to take. Tony knew the situation better than he did though, so maybe he was wrong. "We're maybe a year or two away from a vote. If we can just... if we can keep the international disasters to a minimum for a while we'll be okay. I'll talk to Maria, see if she can't find missions close to home or in countries that don't hate us. I'll keep working the big-shots in the government as best I can, give us some cover. Thaddeus and I are a bit ahead of the curve, that's all."

"Tony..." Steve sighed and started to pull back, wishing like hell that he could actually _talk_ to his lover. "Ya don't have ta go this alone, ya mook. Talk ta your damn team or what good are they?"

"If it's this or what Thaddeus wants, this is the better deal." It was clear that Tony wasn't talking to even an imaginary Steve anymore - he was talking to himself, trying to figure out how to approach the problem. He even stood and began to pace, hands running over his face and through his hair as he thought. "And it really is a few years out - fuckers in the UN can't agree on anything. I can start trying to ease Cap and the rest of them into it. Well, not Wanda. Cap can deal with her. If I start laying the foundation now, then maybe this won't turn into a huge issue. Just... I just have to protect them for a little while longer, and then once the Accords go through I can..."

Tony stopped and gave a harsh laugh, staring up at the ceiling. "Fuck. I don't know. Pep's got the company, Rhodey's a hard hitter on the team... and once the UN is involved I won't _have_ to be bankrolling the Avengers the same way I am now. They might not need me to make weapons or gear for them anymore either. I don't know how to not be Iron Man, Tiny Adorable Steve. I don't... but that's not important. I just need to get the team through another year or two, and then they'll be in better hands. They won't need me, and that'll be better because I always fuck it up anyway. And they have to know that they can always call me in a crisis. I'll do whatever I need to do when the big shit hits. Other than that..."

Steve bit his lower lip and stared at the picture that Tony had set on the coffee table. It was one of them in bed together, Tony on his stomach with one arm wrapped around a pillow, his phone in his other hand. Whatever he'd been looking at was blurred, which meant it was important and confidential. Steve was draped horizontally over his back, working on a small watercolor painting that was sitting on the bed. It had been a good day, one where he and Tony had ended up with more paint on them than the heavy paper.

God, he was never going to have a day like that again.

"Fuck. I miss you so much. You're one of the only people who ever _listened_ , and you didn't ever make me feel like shit when I fucked up. I need you, and if I ever see that other Loki again I'm gonna punch him right in the dick. If you were here we could figure out what to do once the Avengers don't need me anymore. Without you... I can't go back to hibernating in my tower with just the boys. You wouldn't want that for me. But I..."

The world had started to go black at the edges of Steve's vision; his time in Tony's world as a ghost was almost over. He loved and hated that, and he would give anything, _everything_ to be able to touch Tony just once. "I love ya, Tony," he said quietly, brushing his fingers over glass that he couldn't even feel.

Just before everything went dark, he heard Tony start to talk again. "There's a kid out in Queens who's doing good work. Maybe I could take him under my wing..."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks again to the lovely KiernaSerea, who beta'd this chapter. <3
> 
> I have a [Tumblr](http://tahlreth.tumblr.com) where I reblog anything that catches my fancy, usually without tagging it because I'm bad at tags. :'D 
> 
> Also! March is my b-day month, so I'm going to try and post something - a short, chapter, whatever - a day. If you have any prompts or anything, feel free to drop them here or in my ask box on Tumblr. <3


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I'm getting the chapter up on time... but yesterday I missed a day in my March thing! :O Gonna have to make up for that...
> 
> Anywho, thanks for reading! :D Hope you enjoy. <3

_Dear Steve,_

_I'm sorry I haven't been writing as much as I used to. It's been difficult to find time between tending to Brian and taking care of Mémère. I know I've been complaining about being forced to stay home all the time, but now I couldn't be more thankful for it. That old woman has been driving me insane, but I still care about her so much. We all do, and we all agree that someone needs to be minding her. With me already not working, we won't lose any income while I do that. God works in mysterious ways, I suppose._

_She's so much quieter, Steve, and I can't help but find that worrying. I can only pray that she recovers from this illness quickly. I wish I could take Brian in to see her. It would cheer her up, I just know it. It's too much of a risk though. He might end up getting sick as well, and that would tip us over the edge, I think. We're all already so worried about all our boys and now about our Mémère. If we were worrying about Brian too we would all have a nervous breakdown. Running between our Mémère's bedroom and Brian's is tiring but at least it's helping me lose some of the weight I gained while pregnant._

_Arnie tells me that he's joined your team, and that makes me happier than I can say. I know the two of you will take care of each other and do everything you can to get each other home. Sometimes I think I should be more worried about Bucky, but I just don't have it in me Steve. I'm sorry, but it's true. I hope he comes home, of course I do. I want him to stay safe and I mention him in my prayers by name, but I just can't worry about him the way I do with you and Arnie. Maybe that makes me awful. Do you think I'm terrible, Steve?_

_Good luck with your new team, Stevie. Give those Nazis hell, then come home safe with Arnie in tow._

_Susan_

~.~.~

"On your left!"

Bucky's voice cut through the din of the firefight, and Steve was quick to look to his left. When he did, he realized that the warning had been for Arnie. His best friend dove to the right just in time to miss the eye-smarting blue bolt of energy headed his way. It only scorched the floor instead of landing a killing blow, which was a definite win in Steve's eyes.

"Hold the line," he demanded of Howlett and Jarvis, who nodded grimly; Howlett kept picking off the soldiers trying to charge at their position. Jarvis, meanwhile, had realized his goal and shifted his attention a little. A moment later he began to lay down suppressive fire in the direction of the small Hydra unit carrying the advanced weapons. Steve was quick to take the advantage and sprinted towards the largest threat, shield held in a defensive position. At the very first Hydra base the Imps had taken, they had realized that Steve's shield was the only thing that seemed able to truly block the dangerous beams. That meant he was in charge of taking them out, a responsibility he accepted readily.

Killing still wasn't _easy_ , exactly, but Steve was getting a lot better at shouldering that burden. It was made easier by the way Bucky seemed to be letting go of the insecurities Red Skull had woken in him.

An overturned table was providing Arnie with enough cover to keep him safe until Steve reached him. As soon as Steve was out in front, he jumped up to follow behind. Steve's job was to keep them moving in the right direction and deflect the hits; Arnie's job was to try and shoot around him and take out at least a few of the Hydra soldiers. As a strategy it wasn't without its flaws, but it usually worked well enough.

Once they were close, Steve heard Jarvis leave off the heavy suppressive fire - he would be back to fighting the regular troops with Howlett. Bucky was keeping to the rear of this fight; an earlier volley of bullets had taken Carter down. Steve hoped it wasn't too serious and knew it wasn't fatal. Buck would have moved on and joined the fight if he thought Carter was a goner; he had done so repeatedly to members of the regular army when the Imps worked with them to liberate concentration camps.

Bucky tried, but he just wasn't as good at keeping himself out of the fight as Steve was. From the tell-tale sound of Buck's sniper rifle going off at regular intervals, he was still finding a way to make himself feel useful.

"Comin' up on 'em, Cap," Arnie said into his ear - none of them would call him by his given name while they were in the middle of a fight. "You want me goin' right or left?"

"Right," Steve answered, voice heavy with authority. There were fewer Hydra goons that way, and their weapons didn't seem to work too well in close quarters. Arnie was better at hand-to-hand than Steve was, but Steve also healed a hell of a lot faster. He needed to get Arnie home to Susan, Brian and the rest of his girls; he wasn't going to take his chances when it came to the numbers game. "Try'n keep one-a them alive, will ya?" Arnie only snorted - Steve knew the feeling.

"Yeah. Sure. And tomorrow I'll go find Hitler'n end this damn war." Steve allowed himself a single twitch of the lips but fought off a full smile. Getting a Hydra soldier to keep as a captive sure did seem impossible most days.

"Now!"

At Steve's shout, they separated. Arnie leaped into the fray on his right, all fire and fury. He had a pistol in one hand and a knife in the other; Arnie was always ready for a good old fashioned in your face brawl. From the corner of his eye, Steve saw the Hydra soldiers Arnie was about to engage fumble with their clumsy weapons. Steve had one second to hope his brother would come out of the fight unscathed, and then he was fully engaged in his own battle.

Most of Hydra was nowhere near as tough to fight as Red Skull had been... but that didn't make Steve any better at fighting up close and personal. Sure he managed to take down all six soldiers he was responsible for, but he didn't do it easily or painlessly. By the time they were laid out on the floor, he would have been all kinds of bruised if it weren't for the serum. A few cuts on the inside of his mouth had him spitting blood for a little while, and he was pretty sure he'd come close to breaking a bone or two in one hand.

He didn't even have much to show for it - just a few more weapons for Howard to blow up while trying to understand them and a pile of dead Hydra soldiers. Only one or two had died directly by his hand and the rest had bitten down on those goddamned poison capsules in their teeth when it looked like they would lose. The trick was a pain in the ass and meant they almost never got a Hydra soldier out of the fight alive.

Arnie was already done with his fight, hair and eyes wild as he grinned. He had a bruise high on one cheek but otherwise seemed fine; Steve was only a little bit jealous of his skill. Arnie couldn't throw the shield for shit, after all. Not even Bucky was as good with it as Steve was despite his similar strength and sniper's eye. Besides that, Steve was the best at taking a beating while fighting for the win - only Howlett came close. So even if he wasn't good at fisticuffs he wasn't dead weight.

No matter how often he heard a nagging voice in his mind insist he was too small and too weak for this fight, Steve tried his hardest to believe otherwise.

With the heavy artillery no longer an issue, taking the base became child's play. After the first few were under their belts, STAR had been able to calculate the floor plan and manpower of each subsequent base almost perfectly. Like Bucky she had also regained confidence in herself and her abilities. She now went into the bases ahead of the Imps, keeping herself unseen until they attacked; once they did, STAR used her talents to interfere with Hydra's communications and other technology. It kept their enemy in a state of confusion and disarray, and the Imps pressed that advantage as hard as they possibly could.

Nothing ever went perfectly, of course - the way Carter had been injured was a good example of that. Things still ran so smoothly that Phillips had to hide smiles of approval behind one hand whenever they reported in. He didn't even argue with Steve over the way Steve insisted they liberate any nearby concentration camps anymore. Not after seeing the horror that had been contained within the very first one.

Steve, the Imps, and the army unit they had commandeered to help them had spent hours getting as drunk as they possibly could once the task had been finished.

All in all, three months into their assigned leadership roles Captain America and Sergeant Valor were succeeding with flying colors. After the Hydra soldiers who carried weapons powered by the Tesseract were dead, it only took the Imps about an hour more to completely secure the base. Phillips would be pleased that this one hadn't gone 'boom' - the Colonel had torn him and Buck a new one when they had accidentally triggered the self-destruct function on the second base they'd ever gone after. Hydra usually occupied fairly strong strategic positions - Hitler clearly had placed a good deal of trust in Red Skull and his vision for the world. The Allies needed every base the Imps could take for them in order to press forward with the 'real' war.

As soon as they had secured the weapons (which Steve still refused to give any hints about to Howard), he went to Matthew's side. The agent was pale beneath his tan but he still gave Steve a tight smile when he entered the room. "Got just a bit shot," he said, making Howlett snort as he worked on digging out the bullets lodged in Matthew's left thigh. "Do promise you won't tell Rose, will you? She'll give me hell about this for years if you do."

"Well if'n I don't she'll be after _my_ hide when she finds out, because she will. I like ya, Matthew, but I ain't pissin' my sister off that bad for ya."

"Fair enough, I suppose. Will you at least have the decency to wait until I've healed up a bit? I need to be able to run when she comes after me."

"That I can do. How's he lookin'?"

"Like an idiot," Howlett growled, looking up at Matthew with a scowl. "Told you to wait until I cleared the damn hallway, didn't I?"

While Matthew gave a weak protest, Steve smiled a little as he watched Howlett focus back on Matthew’s injury. For a man called ‘Wolverine’, one who was supposed to fight hard and dirty while bare knuckle boxing, he was surprisingly good at treating injuries. He was also pretty damn protective and nurturing, though most wouldn't be able to see it past his gruff exterior.

"He shoulda waited for ya," Steve allowed. "But mebbe ya could tell me 'bout his injury? I'm guessin' he was more'n a 'bit shot'."

"Missed the big veins, looks like," Howlett said, briefly looking up at Steve. "One through and through, one bullet lodged. Working on getting all of it out. Long as we look after the wounds and keep an eye out for infections, he should be fine. Next time you _listen_ ," Howlett added fiercely, glaring so hard it would have made some lesser men piss themselves in fear.

Matthew only gave him a weak grin and a sloppy salute, then groaned when Howlett resumed getting all the pieces of the bullet out. Steve plopped himself down in the chair on Matthew's other side and started talking, wanting to offer a distraction. It took more pain medication than they carried with them to knock Matthew out. While he might not be feeling all the hurt his injury was causing him, he was still feeling some of it with the added bonus of having to watch Howlett dig around in his flesh.

"Did I ever tell ya 'bout the time our Rosie told the foreman at the factory we worked at ta go right ta hell?"

"She didn't," Matthew said, something close to awe on his face. Steve wasn't always so good at knowing when a romance was blossoming, but he thought he might have been watching one begin since introducing Matthew to his sister. "Well no, I believe that she did. But she wasn't let go?" Steve scoffed at the question, sending Matthew a wink and a grin.

"I think she scared him too much for him ta go firin' her. I know ya saw her scold me'n all after I got the serum, but ya ain't never seen her when she's all fired up. It sure is somethin' ta watch, long as she ain't directin' all that anger your way."

"I can only imagine," Matthew said before hissing in pain. Without missing a beat, Steve reached out and grabbed the man's hand; Matthew immediately squeezed down hard enough to send a twinge of pain up Steve's arm. "I do hope to watch from a distance someday. She's rather wonderful, but I'm sure you know that."

"I do," Steve agreed quietly, watching as sweat began to stand out on Matthew's face. "Even when she's hollerin' at me, I know it. Saw her make a grown man cry once."

Matthew was beyond speaking - Howlett was still pulling out piece after piece of bullet, and Steve knew from experience how bad that could hurt a man. He did look back over at Steve though, dragging his eyes away from the sight of his own wounds. Wanting to keep his attention, Steve launched into the story about Rose, then kept right on going. He still would like it if Rose could find a man closer to home, one she wouldn't be pining after while he marched off to be shot at... but that was Rose's decision. She wouldn't be able to find much better than Matthew, so he wouldn't try to stand in their way. Rose would kick his ass if he did.

It took a while for Howlett to finish his work, and Matthew didn't pass out until it was almost over. Steve stayed though, holding Matthew's hand while Howlett gave the wounds a final cleaning and then bound them tightly. Howlett clapped him on the shoulder after washing his hands, then left him to his bedside vigil.

On the field Steve didn't mind taking point and focusing his attention on taking out the enemy. Off it, however, he was quick to revert to his roots. Buck could handle the details that came with securing a base, and STAR would be right there on his shoulder to help out. Steve didn't mind being the 'mother' to Bucky's 'father' when it came to their team. Not when it meant he could see to the needs of his men. He didn't mind the teasing he got for being a mother hen either, not when each and every Imp never hesitated to come to him when they needed a bit of comfort.

He could be a hard-ass killing machine when he needed to be because his team let him be soft whenever he could. Steve knew that he continued to be lucky with his friends and the family he had found for himself. Missing Tony and most of their kids was a constant state of being, as natural to him now as breathing... but he wasn't alone. He had STAR, who missed Tony and her siblings as much as he did. Steve had his Gaggle of Girls, a nephew named after him, and a newfound brother in Bucky. Arnie was as solidly there for Steve as he had been since they had become brothers as kids, and he had the Imps to round out his circle.

Some part of him would always be lonely without Tony at his side, but Steve was pretty sure he would never be alone. He wondered if Steven Grant had been blessed the same way, if he had even allowed himself to be after he came out of the ice. Steve wondered if his other self had been alone long enough that hard was all he could be - maybe he didn't have anyone reminding him that he was allowed to be soft. That would explain the stern look on his face and the uncompromising set of his jaw. It might explain the way he hadn't forged the Avengers into the same kind of team that the Howling Commandos had been in that universe.

Even with that explanation, Steve would never, _ever_ forgive him for leaving Tony as alone as Steven Grant seemed to be.

~.~.~

_Dear Steve,_

_I have good news! I'm sure Rose and Susan and Melinda have written you the same thing, but I just can't help myself. Though I wonder if you ever wished we would all just get together and write one group letter for you so you didn't have to read the same thing four different times. Oh Steve, Mémère is finally on the mend! I've missed her so much even though she never left - there was no one muttering French at us or scolding us for doing silly things like leaving our shoes in a messy pile by the door. Even Susan missed the way Mémère adored Brian, even if that love took the form of her yelling at Susan at every turn. That old woman has wormed her way into all of our hearts and she’s given us so much. She's even going to leave us the house, you know._

_She didn't tell the other girls, and please don't say anything, but she was so sure she was going to die. Once when I stayed in on Sunday so the rest could go to church without worrying, Mémère insisted we go over her will. It was awful, Steve. I cried nearly the whole time and tried to tell her that she wasn't going anywhere, not yet, not when we weren't ready to let her go. She said no one is ever ready and that neither life nor God gives a fig about it._

_Her words were a little different, of course, but she meant the same thing._

_Anyway, she said it had to be me who she showed. I don't really know why. I only know Mémère didn't want Rose to see because she knew Rose would argue with her and say it was too much. She's leaving us the house - in Rose's name, but she always has to let us live here if we want - and everything else to boot. Well, almost everything. There are some nieces and nephews and grands of the same, did you know that? I know I didn't, and it makes me more angry than I can say. Where have they been? Where were they when Mémère lost her daughter or when she lost her grandson? Why weren't they HERE, looking after her and making sure she was alright? I'll never understand how some people can just throw family away, Steve. I just don't. I hate Rose and Susan's parents for it, even if I've never met them._

_I think she only left them what she did hoping they wouldn’t fight her lawyer on everything else. She's even leaving most of her family heirlooms for us, Steve. You'll get her wedding ring and her husband's, so you can ask some nice woman to marry you someday. Yes, even when she thought she was on her deathbed she was harping on you finding a nice girl to settle down with. She's relentless, and I love her dearly for it._

_There are other things, of course - some silver and some other pieces of jewelry, a Bible that's been in her family for generations, some lace made by her great, great, great grandmother. Everything that means anything to her is going to one of us, and it humbles me to know how thoroughly she thinks of us as her own. I think I'll be crying over it when I'm old and grey myself. She even stopped calling David 'that German boy' and uses his name - I hate that she started doing it because she thought she was going to die soon, not because she realizes that he's not German the way she means it. She doesn't understand, I think, the persecution the Jewish people are facing. None of David's family invaded France or sent the whole world tumbling into war. I try to explain, but she only glares._

_At least she still uses his name even now that she's doing so much better. The doctor said he shouldn't need to stop by anymore unless she becomes sick again. It's a weight off Rose's shoulders, I know, not that she ever talks about how much she tries to carry on her own. I don't try as hard to ask as I maybe should, but she won't even say anything to Melinda and they're close as peas in a pod. She won't tell me, so it's better I don't pester her, don't you think?_

_Besides, soon she won't have to worry after me the way she does now. David wants to ask me - he's told me as much - but his mother wants us to have gone steady for at least a year before she'll give her blessings. We're counting down the months together, and as soon as he can he'll go down on one knee. I'll hardly be able to say yes through my tears of joy, but I'll nod and throw myself at him, and we'll both be laughing and crying as he puts a ring on my finger. It will be beautiful, Steve, and I look forward to it with every beat of my heart. Soon after that we'll be married - he wants a short engagement, and my only regret is that you and his brother likely won't be able to attend. We're both saving as much as we can so we can have a place to call our own after. I don't want to burden our sisters with my newly wedded bliss, and I refuse to live with his mother sitting in the corner and sending vague disapproval my way. Even if a tiny apartment is all we can afford, I know we can make it a home and be happy there._

_You know, I only wanted to write and let you know Mémère won't be leaving us just yet. Now I've rambled on and on, and maybe that's why you don't mind when we all write you about the same thing. Maybe you like all the other things we say while doing it._

_I miss you and I love you, and I can't wait until you come home._

_Lisa_

~.~.~

Steve was woken from a dead sleep by someone shaking him hard. He reached for his shield only to have the culprit grab his wrist. That wasn't what stopped him though - it was a familiar voice in his ear. "Easy bub - just me. Get up." Steve groaned loud and long, throwing one arm over his eyes. Howlett wasn't having it though; the hand on his wrist pulled insistently and Steve was too damn sleepy to fight it. He let his team member tug him out of bed and pulled on a pair of pants, haphazardly tucking in the shirt he had worn to sleep. The light of the rising sun was just starting to filter into the sky, and Steve wondered what could be so damned important that Howlett had pulled him outside so fucking early.

"What are we--" Steve's question was interrupted by Howlett boxing his ear, and then there was a fist flying at his face. He only just managed to catch it and when he looked up into Howlett's face, he was suddenly looking at the Wolverine. Howlett had made a name for himself in the bare knuckle boxing circuit long before the war started. The scowling man facing him was clearly in a boxing frame of mine.

"You fight fair, bub," Wolverine told him in a deeper growl than usual. "And you're shit at even that." Again Steve was only just able to dodge the next attack - this time a foot lashing out at his side. He had the distinct feeling that he could only do that much because Wolverine was slowing down his moves to let Steve see where they were coming from. "It's admirable, honorable... and honor will get you killed some day."

Steve tried a punch of his own at the end of Wolverine's sentence, but the other man caught it squarely in his fist. He used his hold to pull Steve toward him, and Steve got a solid knee to his stomach for his trouble. Immediately after, Wolverine tossed him to the ground. "I know you've been picking fights since you were a kid, bub, but it's pretty damn clear that you don't know shit about how to win one. You got heart, no technique, and you care too much about fighting fair. War isn't fair. It's never been fair. You keep going in for close fights without realizing that, you're gonna end up dead."

Even with Wolverine looming over him with a dark scowl on his face, Steve knew the man was only doing this because he cared. He would probably deny it with his dying breath, but Steve knew better. They were a team, they looked out for each other on and off the field, and not one of them did it as fiercely as Wolverine. "Ya offerin' ta teach me?" Steve asked him, fighting a smile. "'Cause you're right. Nobody ever showed me how ta do it proper. Da was dead too quick'n Arnie was more worried 'bout savin’ my scrawny ass once I'd already picked the fights."

"Yeah, I'll teach you alright," Wolverine said as he held out a hand to Steve where he was still on the ground. Steve took it... and then he took a kick to his side as well instead of being helped up. "Stop fighting fair and assuming everyone else'll do the same," the man growled at him before tugging him up by the collar of his shirt. "I'm telling you right now bub - you fight as honorable as you want when you're home safe and sound. Until then, you do what you need to in order to make it out alive. You hear me, Cap?"

The scent of cigars hung heavy around Wolverine, and his eyes almost seemed to glow with intensity. "You fight hard, fast and dirty - you do that because it means the other guy is the one who won't walk away. It's how I got my name, bub. Wolverines have a reputation where I'm from, and so do I. I know you won't ever be like me, and that's fine - you just need to get a little closer now that you've got the muscle to back it up. You got it?"

"I got it," Steve said quietly, giving Wolverine a lopsided smile. "Now let's get ta work. Might be nice, walkin' away from a fight without bleedin' so much for gettin' in it. I'd like ta not get so close ta dyin' the next time I fight Red Skull."

Wolverine searched his expression, then shook him hard for just a moment. "First lesson - don't you ever turn your back on your opponent, don't ever take your eyes off him, and don't even think about taking a helping hand if they offer it. You hear me?"

"Yeah."

"Then let's get started."

Steve had learned a lot by the time the sun had climbed into the sky. He learned how to break a man's nose with one quick hit, learned the best place to strike if you wanted to take a man down with a single blow to the head. Wolverine worked him hard, showing him weak points and the best way to go after them. Steve knew that not all of it would stick right away as surely as he knew Wolverine would keep yanking him out of his sleep every morning until it did.

He ended the session bruised and bloody, more sore than he had been since his encounter with Red Skull. Halfway through, Bucky and Arnie had settled in to watch - Steve was glad the army boys hadn't arrived yet. They'd all be giving him a hell of a heckling once they did. He didn't mind his friends seeing him struggle to learn basics, but he hoped he would be at least a little better before more men arrived to hold the base. Because where others might jeer, Bucky only clapped him on the shoulder and Arnie wrapped one arm around his head and ruffled his hair.

"Shoulda been teachin' you that all along," Arnie said as they headed back inside. "Guess I liked savin' you too much. Wanted to charge in and help my little brother, or get you to stop pickin' so many fights to start with. You was always so good at takin' the hits - guess that had me thinkin' you didn't need to learn how to save yourself."

"Wouldn't-a listened ta ya anyhow," Steve admitted with a shrug, leaning against Arnie's side. "Always thought spunk'n justice bein' on my side was enough."

"You always was a punk that way. Hey Buck - you ever hear about the time he went and fought some of the bully boys who was workin' on joinin' the mob? Think the only reason he didn't end up in the river was 'cause they felt sorry for him after." Steve felt his cheeks start to burn when Bucky laughed and slung an arm over Arnie's shoulders, boxing him in between them. Not having an escape route meant he was about to get the teasing of a lifetime.

"Ain't fair, gangin' up on me," he said despite knowing they wouldn't listen. "Never shoulda introduced ya. Both-a ya are jerks."

"Shush, Stevie. I wanna hear 'bout how ya took on the mob."

"They weren't in the mob yet!"

Both Arnie and Bucky ignored him, talking over his head about some of the stupider stunts Steve had pulled. If he didn't love them both so much, he'd clean both their clocks with his new knowledge on how to do it right. Instead he just let them yammer on, blushing and adding a protest here or there as they steered him towards the mess hall. Besides - he'd rather have breakfast than battle his brothers.

Fighting dirty was hungry work.

~.~~

_Dear Steve,_

_James Howlett is my new favorite writing partner. His letters are short but full of the most colorful phrases I've ever heard. I'm not sure if he's trying to embarrass or shock me, but all he's managed to do is make me laugh. I showed one of them to Rose and she laughed so hard she cried. At first I was worried my replies might frighten him off since I'm not very good at pretending to be offended, but he seems amused instead. Thank you for putting together the team that you have - their letters and yours are my favorite to receive. Next time you think of sending me anything, please spend the money on them instead._

_Four of the soldiers I had been writing haven't responded. I hate thinking about it too much because I can't help but start to cry for them. I hold out hope that I could get something from them any day, but I think in my heart I know the truth._

_Thankfully I have a few different ways to distract myself, otherwise I might break down completely. Work is a blessing, and who would have thought I would ever say something like that! My boss is very impressed with my performance. I hope that translates into a raise soon, though who knows. I've been using every extra penny that I earn to help Becca buy supplies for knitting and tatting lace - did you know that's what you call it?_

_Oh, she makes the most beautiful lace, Steve. I've already commissioned her - such a professional word, she blushes every time I use it - to make something for Susan and Lisa's weddings. Neither may have a ring or a date, but they have beautiful pieces of lace on the way regardless. She's making something very traditional for Lisa to avoid trouble with David's mother. I think she'll love it anyway, especially when she finds out that the pattern has been handed down through generations of Becca's family to be worn exclusively at weddings._

_You know how much of a romantic she is._

_For Susan I convinced Becca to try dying some of the string, and if it doesn't turn out we'll find someone else to dye it to the right color. Susan loves pink, and her marriage will hardly be a traditional one - I think she might like that reflected in at least some way on her wedding day. Becca hasn't decided on a pattern for her yet, or even what exactly she'll make, but I know it will be gorgeous regardless._

_Other people have started to ask Becca to make things for them, and I truly think she'll be able to do something like start a business to sell her pieces. Maybe it will be small and run out of her home, but still. She loves playing with string and yarn, and I want her to be able to do what she loves. Everyone should be able to do what they love and make money doing it. It would make the world a better place, don't you think?_

_I've also been receiving invitations to go out dancing with several young men. I used to love it so much - from what Becca says, Bucky and I have that in common. It's just so much fun, or it should be. I don't know if I'll accept any though. It just won't be the same without you and the other girls. Becca might be willing to come with me, but she already has a beau. Susan and Lisa would refuse with good reason and while I think Rose could use a night of fun where she can let her hair down more than any of us I know she won't go. Tell that Matthew of hers to start encouraging her to have fun, won't you? I know she thinks she has to take care of us, but we're all grown woman. She should get to have a life of her own._

_Stop asking if I'll send you any of the odds and ends I've been writing. None of them are good enough to share, and you can't say you don't know what it's like. I know you have dozens, maybe hundreds of drawings that you'll never show a soul. Maybe if you let me peek at those I'll do the same._

_Please stay safe and come back to us soon._

_Forever your girl,_

_Melinda_

~.~.~

The latest too-real dream of Tony had shaken Steve to the core, hurt him more than he would have thought possible. The raw wound caused by his loss had been ripped open even further and left his soul bleeding out. As soon as he woke in a cold sweat, STAR knew what was going on. She didn't comment on it, but she tucked herself against the side of his neck while he pulled on a pair of pants with shaking hands. Steve didn't know what time it was - early, from the way the sun hadn't even begun to lighten the sky yet. He scrubbed his hands over his face then through his hair before snarling quietly to himself.

"This is such bullshit," he said to STAR, hating the way he could hear tears in his voice. "Already know I won't ever be able ta hold him again. Don't need these fuckin' reminders. Don't need ta get my heart ripped out over'n over'n over neither." When Steve looked down at his hands, he saw they were still shaking - even when he closed them into fists they continued to tremble. "I miss him so fuckin' much STAR. I miss him so much it hurts ta breathe."

"I know," she told him quietly, tiny hands stroking his neck in an attempt to comfort him. "I miss him too."

"'N I miss U and Dum-E and Fri. Never get ta see 'em or hear her. Ain't sure how ta feel about that." STAR made a soothing noise, and Steve felt guilty for making his girl bear the weight of his heartbreak. She had her own feelings to contend with - he didn't need to go poking at her wounds just because his kept getting reopened. Trying to hold back his tears, he ran his hands through his hair again before heading for the door.

It didn't take him long to reach Arnie's room - he didn't bother to knock before slipping inside. Howlett was bunking with Arnie, but Steve knew the man wouldn't say anything when he woke up and found Steve there. He crawled into Arnie's bed the way he had been doing for years - the only difference now was the way he was seeking comfort instead of warmth. His best friend and brother rolled over and wrapped his arms around Steve without waking, pulling him close.

For Steve it was too much, just another reminder that he hadn't been able to offer that same comfort to Tony. The tears came slowly at first, but soon ugly sobs were tearing themselves out of his chest. Arnie was up almost instantly, tucking Steve's head under his chin protectively. Hands were running up and down his back, but they were the _wrong ones_ and he would never be able to _feel_ Tony's hands again. Even if he managed to grab hold of them in one of those awful dreams, he wouldn't be able to feel their warmth or their calluses or _anything_.

The more he thought about it, the more worked up he got until he was completely lost in his own grief. Steve didn't know how long he'd been weeping before the world began to filter back into his consciousness, but there was light peeking in through the window. He heard murmuring voices over his head, felt another set of hands briefly smooth down his back. When he heard the door open and then close again, he tried to force the pain of being without Tony back again - his team needed him to be able to function. The regular army was set to arrive that afternoon, and they couldn't see a Captain America who was falling apart at the seams.

"There we go," Arnie said against his forehead. He had always been able to read the shifts in Steve's mood almost before they happened. "You was worryin' us Stevie." There was a beat of silence - Steve took the opportunity to start trying to wipe the tears away from his overheated cheeks. "Another dream?"

"Fuckin' nightmare," Steve said immediately, venom in his voice. "I hate 'em, Arnie. I can't--" Emotion choked him again, so he closed his eyes tight and tried to center himself.

"It's gotta hurt - can't even guess how much. You was gettin' better - I know you never stopped missin' him, but you was... I wish I could take the pain for you, Stevie."

"Don't want anybody ta hurt this much," Steve told him, burrowing close to Arnie's solid, steady warmth. "Sorry ta worry ya. Prolly pissed off Howlett, wakin' him up that way."

"Nah. Scared the shit outta him, I think. He was lookin' all kinds of panicked when he realized you was cryin'. Didn't know what to do, the big softy."

"Don't be tellin' nobody that he ain't as tough as he makes himself look," Steve warned with the bare beginnings of a smile. "He'd have ta kill ya just ta make sure his reputation doesn't take a hit."

"Wouldn't never - he's our softy. Only us Imps get to know he ain't all growls and cigar smoke."

Steve snorted, then took a deep breath through his nose to catch Arnie's scent - it was familiar and comforting, enough to start grounding him in the here and now. "Sorry I worried ya - I just... I just miss him."

"I know. And don't be sorry neither. You're allowed to be sad over it. I'd be cryin' my eyes out all the time if I was you. Buck wants you to know that he's gettin' everythin' ready for the regular army folks. It's s'posed to be a mixed unit of our boys and some British forces. Jarvis is off makin' you what he called a 'full English breakfast'. Fuck if I know what that means, but it's gotta be better'n the rations we get. Might have to suck down some tea though. Jarvis don't really approve of coffee."

"... did every one-a them come in ta watch me cryin'?" Steve wasn't embarrassed by his emotions, but he didn't need everybody bearing witness to his pain either.

"Nah. Howlett panicked'n ran outta the room, mebbe to get Buck, and ran into Jarvis instead. He only poked his head in and said he was cookin' for you. Only one who really came in was Buck. Only did it to tell me you can have the day to yourself without worryin' about welcoming the army. He was also checkin' on you, I think - he cares about you almost as much as I do." Arnie fell quiet for a heartbeat, and then Steve felt Arnie's lips curl up into what was probably a shit eating grin. "Sure wish I had a man like that checkin' on me. It's a damn shame he's only interested in dames - waste of a fine man."

Steve groaned and smacked Arnie's shoulder, glad that his best friend wasn't treating him like a fragile piece of glass. Never had - he had always supported Steve without coddling him. "Shaddup, ya mook. Talk like that'll get ya beat black'n blue one-a these days."

"Yeah yeah. You good?"

"Better anyway. Did Starlight go with Buck?"

"Nah. She went with Jarvis. He still treats her like a queen'n she loves that shit. Think she might like him even more'n Bucky now."

The idea of STAR and Jarvis bonding cheered him up a little and sparked up a bit of warmth in his heart. "Buck'll be crushed if you're right. He loves her - ya know he gets all huffy if anyone else tries ta call her 'little light'? Bothers him even more'n me bein' a Captain."

"I'll have to try it some time. Now get your skinny ass outta bed Stevie. Go wash your face'n get your special breakfast. Later we'll play some poker'n if you wanna talk about Tony I'll listen."

"Thanks. You're the best friend a guy could have, ya know that?" 

"I know it. You're fuckin' blessed to have me, you jerk. Get outta here."

Steve managed to give Arnie a smile as he obeyed. It wasn't his best, but it still seemed to settle Arnie because some of the worry left his face. He was glad that he didn't run into anyone on the way back to his room, and he sure as shit was gonna make sure he bunked with Arnie once the regular army forced the Imps to consolidate into fewer rooms. Maybe he could get Buck to share with them instead of Howlett - Steve didn't think he ever wanted to see the man go into a panic on his behalf.

He thought about it as he washed his face and got into real clothes - even put on his boots on to be all fancy-like. Steve made sure to scrub all signs of his crying fit from his face, though he couldn't do much about his red, puffy eyes. That would fade with time, and Jarvis and STAR already knew that his morning had gotten off to a rough start. He headed for the mess hall as quick as he could manage, then ducked into the kitchen to find his teammate and his best girl.

"Good morning, Steve," Jarvis said over his shoulder, his smile warm and full of kindness. "Glad to see you up and about. I've got a full English almost ready for you - ah excuse me. STAR and I have everything almost ready for you. I've had to substitute out a few things, but I believe in wartime you can let just a bit of tradition fall by the wayside." Jarvis winked at him then, and the tight feeling in Steve's chest began to unwind. "STAR told me don't like mushrooms much anyhow - I think hash browns will be just the thing. Giving you coffee instead of tea was a bit harder but since you Yanks have no appreciation for tea anyhow I allowed STAR to persuade me. Thank you for your assistance, dear lady." Jarvis actually gave a small bow in STAR's direction, and the 'bot waved a bashful hand at him from where she was buttering toast. 

Steve completely understood why Tony had loved Jarvis enough to name an AI after him.

"Thanks. Ya didn't have ta go through so much trouble on my account."

"Nonsense," Jarvis told him with another smile. "I had always hoped to be picked by an officer to be his batman, you see. My father was one during the Great War, though they were still called soldier-servants then." Jarvis kept working as he talked, cooking as calmly and confidently as Steve's ma always had when in front of a stove. "He always considered it the greatest honor he ever received. When the war ended, Major General Marsham requested my father continue to serve him as his head of household - you Yanks would call him a butler," he added with another wink at Steve.

It was soothing, listening to the man talk and watching him cook. Something about Jarvis just... settled him, helped Steve let go of his remaining anguish. He crossed to one of the counters that Jarvis didn't seem to be using and hopped up, leaning forward with his elbows on his knees as he kept his attention on the man.

"I was being groomed for the position before this war began - I had just been given the title of under-butler. I enjoyed the work you know. There's just something appealing in being the one to turn chaos into order or, at the very least, harnessing that chaos to fuel something productive. But once the war started I knew I had to sign up and join the ranks. I never presumed I would have the chance to be chosen as a batman, of course. Even with Major General Marsham's recommendation and my background, there are many people scrambling for the position for all the wrong reasons. Then I was sent off to guard Howard Stark back when he was the only American willing to openly sell weapons to the Allies, and I thought ‘ah, well, there goes my chance'. But now here I am with Captain America and Sergeant Valor - only one rank is a commissioned officer, of course, but I'd be honored to perform the duties of a batman for the both of you."

"I ain't really a Captain ya know," Steve told him faintly while Jarvis began to plate the food. He was relieved to see there was enough to feed the rest of the team too - he would have felt terrible if he were the only one getting to eat what looked and smelled like a delicious breakfast.

"Yes, well - I'm not officially a batman, am I? You're part of the United States Armed Forces, after all. So we'll just have to soldier on with our assumed ranks together won't we? Between you and me, I would far rather be in your service than some of the jumped-up officers I've met. STAR, are you done with the toast love?"

"Yessir! The toast is buttered and the coffee is almost finished too." Steve couldn't help but smile as he watched STAR lift up the plate of toast she had been working on, then make her careful way across the counter top to Jarvis. "Do you need my help with anything else?"

"You are a jewel without compare," Jarvis praised, and STAR _giggled_. Buck was going to be devastated and a little pissed off when he realized he wasn't her favorite anymore. "Thank you for your assistance, but I believe I have everything else well in hand. I think you had better be getting back to Steve, don't you?"

"Mm. Thank you for letting me help, Jarvis." Steve loved the way Jarvis was smiling as he watched STAR make her way to Steve. Tony had been so lucky to have a Jarvis of his own, and he was so, so glad to have met the Jarvis that would help take care of the Tony in this world.

"... do ya remember how my Starlight mentioned Howard's son once?" he asked when the 'bot had reached him and settled on his left knee.

"As a matter of fact I do. I've been curious about it ever since. I didn't want to pry, however. It all seems very private and close to your heart."

"Yeah. I..." Steve stopped and searched for words, wondering how much he could or should give away. "His name is Tony - Anthony, I guess, but he can't stand anyone usin' it. Managed ta keep from talkin’ ta me for almost a whole day when I used it ta tweak his nose." He smiled at the memory, at the way Tony had kept opening his mouth to speak only to snap it closed with a scowl when he remembered just in time that he was still sore at Steve. "He's... I..." Emotion choked him for a moment, though he was still smiling and there weren't any tears in his eyes.

"You love him," Jarvis said simply when Steve couldn't continue right away. There was no judgement in his voice, thank God, only compassion. Steve nodded, trying to swallow around the lump in his throat. STAR climbed up his arm to settle on his shoulder, one of her hands running over the side of his neck again. A moment later, he felt a much larger hand settle on his other shoulder, and he looked up into warm, kind brown eyes. "Then I am deeply sorry that you lost him."

"He's the one who made STAR," Steve said quietly. "Tony's a damn genius - smarter'n his old man was I'm sure. Never met that Howard, but there ain't nobody smarter'n Tony. Has two robots - calls 'em U and Dum-E. Aren't as smart as STAR, but I still love them too. And FRIDAY - she’s like STAR, only she ain’t got a body.” Jarvis looked impressed and like he was completely willing to listen to Steve talk while his carefully made breakfast went cold. "I'm sorry, ya worked so hard ta do somethin' nice'n I oughta--"

"The food will keep," Jarvis said gently, then hooked his foot on a nearby stool to drag it over to sit on. "Reheating it would be no trouble at all. Tell me about your Tony."

"He wasted food like nothin' I ever saw before," he told Jarvis, a smile tugging at his lips. "Had a whole fridge full-a food that he just let go bad. Stunk ta high heaven when I cleaned it out. Couldn't cook worth a damn either. B'fore I started ta do it for him, he would have food delivered ta his tower for us ta eat. Yeah, he has a whole tower," he added when he saw the look on the man's face. "Tallest one I think I ever saw. Has a company named after him - Howard, I guess - and it's real successful. So he has a whole tower with his last name on it. He's part of a team sorta like ours and gave all-a them their own floor. Lived alone though. I think mebbe he didn't know how ta ask them ta stay. He was havin' a real hard time when I met him - his team was inna fight that went ta shit and he lost someone real important ta him before the dust settled."

Steve still had the whole of Jarvis' attention, and he knew that he would continue to have it for as long as he needed. Jarvis was patient and kind with a sense of humor - he was everything Tony would need to keep Howard from ruining him. He hoped like hell he wasn't about to lose this world's Tony the opportunity to have that.

"The first real AI - Artificial Intelligence, like STAR here - that Tony ever made sacrificed himself ta save Tony and the rest-a the team. Tony was devastated. Didn't know how ta function without JARVIS there ta help him." Steve watched as Jarvis visibly startled, eyes going wide - it was the biggest reaction Steve had ever seen from him.

"Jarvis?" the man himself asked, voice faint.

"Just A Rather Very Intelligent System," he said with a smile tugging at his lips. "Tony had ta reach ta make sure he could name him JARVIS, I think. 'Cause he was namin' him after someone, ya see. Someone he loved like a father 'cause his own da was shit."

"... oh my. Do you mean...?"

"Yeah. After the war in that world, Edwin Jarvis left England ta be Howard Stark's butler. He was real important ta Tony, so Tony tried ta make sure at least part-a him would live forever."

"Oh my," Jarvis repeated, blinking several times as he stared into the distance. "Good heavens. Well." Jarvis was clearly trying to pull himself together, but it wasn't working as well as he probably would have liked. "I suppose that explains why you asked for me then, doesn't it?"

"I mebbe shouldn't have," Steve admitted. "Things're different here, and I dunno how anythin' I do might change things even more. I hope I didn't... not that ya _have_ ta do it either way. I just... I never got to meet JARVIS or his namesake. It was selfish-a me, but I just wanted ta meet ya. I know ya aren't really him, but I still wanted ta meet some version of the man who was so important ta him."

Jarvis was quiet just long enough to make Steve start panicking. Before he could act on that, however, Jarvis gave him a friendly hit on the thigh, then stood up. "Well! I've no idea how things might turn out for me in this world, and I rather like it that way. I would, however, like to know more about the man you love. Only if you want to tell me, of course. It seems like you might want to talk about him, to remember the good times, but I could be wrong. Either way, let's get you eating shall we? A good, hearty breakfast can't fix everything, but it is a start."

"Jarvis?" he started, sliding off the counter and following the man to help him carry the food he'd made. Jarvis gave a 'hmmm?' as he worked on organizing everything. "I'm awful glad I asked for ya ta join us. Not just 'cause-a Tony either - you're a good man. So I guess I'd be pretty honored if ya really wanted to be my... what was it? Batman?"

"That's it exactly," Jarvis said, smile warm and soft when he looked over his shoulder. "I'm just as glad to be part of the Imps, and I'll be very pleased to serve you in that capacity. Now. Do carry this out to the mess hall proper, won't you?" There was a twinkle in Jarvis' eyes as he handed Steve the heaviest tray to carry and took only the plate of buttered toast and coffee pot himself.

"Hey, ain't it supposed ta be me givin' the orders while ya do the heavy liftin'?" Steve demanded, playfully outraged.

"Common misconception," Jarvis teased with a wink. "Do come along."

Steve was smiling as he trailed after Jarvis, feeling lighter and happier than he could have imagined just an hour ago. Arnie had held him together when grief threatened to tear him apart and Bucky had taken the weight of command from his shoulders for the day. Jarvis had soothed away much of the hurt that the dream of Tony had stirred up and was feeding him a better breakfast than he'd had in months to boot. Howlett had been worried for him, and if Matthew weren't still confined to his bed Steve knew he would have been right there asking if there was anything he could do. Hell, Howlett hadn't dragged him outside to kick his ass, and if that wasn't a sign of caring and support Steve didn't know what was.

He still felt like his soul was bleeding out, but his team had managed to stanch the flow for the time being. If he could just go a little while without another one of the dreams, he could get back on even ground. Steve could get back to missing Tony like he would a limb instead of feeling like his heart had been ripped out of his body. He needed the pain and the grief to go back to manageable levels; he needed to be able to keep being Captain America.

Because if he couldn't, all of his pain - all of _Tony's_ pain - would be for nothing.

~.~.~

_Steven Brian Rogers,_

_Why in the hell didn't you tell me right away that Matthew was injured? I swear to God if you don't start telling me what's going on as it happens, I will book passage to Europe and hunt you down. I don't care if I have to sell every belonging I own to afford the trip, I'll do it. You men clearly need someone to keep after you while you're off fighting and getting into God knows what kind of trouble as you're doing it. Is it really so hard to pick up a pencil and give me news in a timely manner? We both know damn well you could have told me in your last letter, and I am furious with you for not doing it._

_I need you to tell me things, Stevie. It's the only way I'm keeping myself from finding you to make sure I get to see you one last time. If you start hiding things from me now, I'll find a way to stick to your side like a burr for the rest of this awful war. You wouldn't like that, and I think Matthew would be beside himself. So just tell me the truth, please. I can't stand for you to start lying to me now, even if it's by omission._

_I should apologize for the way I scold, maybe, but you got off easy. You should read my letter to Matthew if you start to feel sorry for yourself, because I am much angrier with him. He will get an apology once my fury subsides, if only so he won't stop writing back. I'm so thankful that he's alive, though I maybe wish that he won't get back to fighting-fit too quickly. I worry for him and for you. Arnie says he and Bucky are trying to keep an eye on you at least, but they're having a hard time of it. You are a handful Stevie, and everyone but you knows it. It's part of the reason we all love you though, so please don't ever change._

_Matthew says that your missions are going well, even if none of you can tell me the specifics. I'm glad for that at least. The things we read in the newspapers are frightening sometimes, and I absolutely hate knowing that you're all in the thick of it. Please take care of each other, and make sure Jarvis and Howlett know that we keep them in our thoughts and prayers._

_We're all doing well, especially now that Mémère is back on her feet. David's mother has become fast friends with her, something that took us all by surprise. Mémère doesn't even mutter obscene things in French at her! Esther learned of how sick she had been and showed up out of the blue with several dishes meant to make Mémère hale and hearty again. The ice was only truly broken when they started discussing David and Lisa's courtship though. Now the two of them make plans for the wedding when he isn’t even allowed to propose to her yet! They’re always arguing about food and venues and everything else - they do it without any real heat though. And one thing they agree on completely is that David and Lisa had better have a parcel of children as quickly as possible. 'The babies will be beautiful' they say to each other, both of their accents thick. It's remarkable the way they understand each other, especially with Mémère's unflattering opinion of Germans as a whole._

_That's another thing they bond over, actually. They curse Hitler and all Germans like him frequently and emphatically. It's quite a sight to see and I wish you were here to watch it with me._

_Susan is still moving ahead with her own wedding plans. I'm setting aside as much as I can for a dowry of sorts - she and Arnie shouldn't have to start completely from nothing. I was going to do the same for Lisa, but Mémère insists that she will be taking care of Lisa, thank you VERY much. You know Lisa has always been her favorite, and it's nice not to worry so much about her future. Arnie, Susan and I agree that they'll stay here for at least a little while after they marry. That way little Brian won't be uprooted and they'll have a chance to keep putting money away. Susan dreams of moving outside the city - not too far, she says, just far enough that they can buy some land. Arnie agrees, I think. They both want Brian to grow up with space to run and play, with maybe a dog or two to keep him company._

_It's a pretty dream, and I hope like hell that Arnie comes home safe so they can make it a reality. I know you're watching over him, and I have (very selfishly, I admit) begged Matthew and Bucky to do the same. Susan would be shattered if he didn't come back to us, I think. We'll already have other storms to weather before this war is over, and I don't want to add another - I'm not sure she would make it through intact._

_I've received a promotion at the factory and secured a small raise along with it. One of the supervisors on our shift was lying to that awful foreman about how much work was getting done in a day. He was then stealing the extra parts and selling them, maybe even to Nazi sympathizers who would them ship them to Germany instead! Can you imagine? Oh, I wanted to rip him limb from limb. Needless to say he was fired and arrested, and even if the foreman hates me he knows I'm honest and a hard worker. So now I'm the one doing the supervising, and I can make sure the rest of the girls are taken care of. My only frustration is that I know I'm not making nearly as much as that terrible man did. It seems unfair, but at least I got the promotion. That's what I try to tell myself, anyway._

_We miss you, but we're alright. Please try not to worry about your Gaggle of Girls while you're so far away. I want you focused on your mission, and you tell the rest of your team to do the same. We want all of you to stay safe for as long as you possibly can. I want all of those who can to come home to us. You make sure Jarvis and Howlett know that in addition to writing, we girls would be happy to take them under our wing when they get shipped back to the States. The more strays the merrier, I think._

_Please also reassure Matthew that my fondness for him hasn't waned. And don't you dare tease me or him about it either. It might all come to nothing when we spend more time together and our communication isn't limited to letters. I just know I'll be glad to have his support should the worst come to pass as you fear it will._

_Your loving (if still angry) sister,_

_Rosie-posie_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Many thanks to the lovely KiernaSerea who continues to be a wonderful beta. <3


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, this took waaaay too long. So sorry about that!
> 
> In better news, the fic is finished and I'm gonna go ahead and just post it all now. :'D I'm in the process of moving and have an interview for a new full time job, so sticking to a schedule is probably a no-go.
> 
> So here is the start of the rest of the fic! Hope you enjoy and thanks for reading! :D

"It's Barnes, Tones - we know that for sure now. The Winter Soldier, the guy who blew up the UN meeting... it was Barnes. Do you really think that Steve--"

"Rogers."

"... Tones."

Rhodey sounded a little bit heartbroken for Tony while Steve was concerned by the coldness in his fella's voice. The dream was happening in what Steve could only guess was some kind of hotel room. It definitely wasn't the tower, anyway, and it didn't look like what Fri had showed him of the compound either. Tony was standing at the window, his back to Rhodey and Steve, hands clasped behind him. His shoulders were squared and strong, but Steve thought he could see just a hint of a tremor in those hands - he ached to take them between his own until Tony settled enough to make it go away.

Rhodey too was standing straight and tall, a set to his stance that Steve could now recognize as belonging to a soldier. There wasn't a hint of doubt or turmoil being betrayed by his body; despite his tone of voice, his face was hard and unyielding. Whatever had happened, Rhodey had very definite opinions on what should come next, that much was clear. He was committed in a way that Tony wasn't. Steve had a feeling that meant the Avengers were somehow involved.

The idea that Barnes - Bucky Barnes, Rogers' best friend, the one who had fallen from a train - was still alive was something Steve couldn't even really process. Fri had only barely mentioned the Winter Soldier, and that only because of how it related to Rogers and the fall of SHIELD. What he remembered from that wasn't good, and he just couldn't reconcile that kind of monster with the Bucky he knew.

"Steve is gone," Tony told Rhodey, still using that cold voice. "Rogers isn't... that's not Steve. I don’t want to call him… that doesn’t matter. We're _sure_ that Barnes is the Winter Soldier?"

"We're sure."

"Fuck."

"Yeah, that about sums it up. You know St-- ... you know Rogers will go looking. There's no way he's going to sit quietly at home while his best friend is being hunted down. Those solo missions he's been running, the ones he sends Wilson and Nat on? I'd bet my suit that they've been trying to ferret out Barnes all along. This time they might actually find him since the rest of the world is helping them look. I don't think that'll end well, do you?"

Steve saw Tony's shoulders sag, and he wished like hell that he could take some of his burden away. His fella seemed to think he was Atlas, that he had to hold up the whole sky so no one else would be crushed beneath it. Tony didn't seem to understand that there were people who would help if only he would let them.

"If they find him first, it could end everything," Tony said quietly. "They didn't sign - won't sign, not unless... fuck if I know."

Was Tony talking about the Accords? Frowning, Steve searched Rhodey's face before heading quickly over to Tony. His fella looked tired and a little broken but not any older. They were supposed to be years out on whatever the hell the Accords were, that was what Tony had said in the last dream like this. But there was no way it had been years, not with Rhodey and Tony looking exactly the way they had the last time Steve had seen them. That meant something bad had happened, and Steve hated that he didn't know what the hell that 'something' was.

Biting back a sigh of his own, he settled one hand on Tony's back before leaning into Tony's side. He pretended to himself that this time he could feel just a hint of heat radiating from his fella. He let himself pretend that the dreams were bringing him closer to the lover he had left behind.

"You need to send me in, Tones."

"I'm not in the Air Force or the leader of the Avengers, platypus--"

"Bullshit," Rhodey said forcefully. "That is bullshit. Who the fuck do you think is going to lead the Avengers right now if it isn't you? Rogers is off chasing a man who died in the forties, because there is no way in hell that Barnes is that same guy. Thor is off-world, Vision is guarding the Witch, and Wilson went with Rogers because apparently he's forgotten how important oversight is now that he's a civilian again. Nat said she supports the Accords but she has yet to actually sign, so who knows what side she'll end up falling on. Me and you Tones - that's what we have to work with right now."

Steve heard Rhodey give a sigh of frustration, and he could practically feel tension radiating from Tony. With what he had seen, Steve didn't think Tony would ever consider himself the leader of the Avengers. Tony wouldn't think he deserved the title. Apparently the super-hero team was in the midst of falling the fuck apart, and if the Accords were somehow involved... Steve would bet his very last dollar that Tony thought it was all his fault.

"Look," Rhodey tried again, voice gentler. "You're the one spearheading this Accords business and I think we both know that while it might not be the ideal situation, it's something the Avengers need. Rogers tried his hand at leading and look where it landed us - his approach may have worked back in World War Two, but it's not what we need right now. You, me and Vision have signed - right now the three of us _are_ the Avengers. I can't think of anyone else I'd rather follow into this fight than my brother. So lay off that 'not the leader of the Avengers' bullshit and _send me in_."

"Thaddeus is running the show right now."

"No, Ross is making it _look_ like he's in charge. You know how good he is at that. His task force is only a part of an international investigation and he's probably pissing off everyone else by trying to assume complete command. I signed the Accords Tones, just like you. Tell me to join the task force that's getting ready to bring Barnes in, because you know as well as I do that they're going to have to bring Rogers in along with him. Let me be the Avenger that helps them do that, because if I don't it'll be you who has to."

Tony ducked his head and lifted a hand to rub at his eyes; he just seemed so _tired_. Steve wished Tony would hear him if he spoke, wished he could tell his fella that he didn't need to carry the sky all alone. Even if no one else had Tony's back the same way, Rhodey was clearly on his side. Pepper would probably move mountains for Tony, and Steve thought (hoped) that Nat might not be against him either. There were people he could turn to, people who would help him. Steve wished that Tony would start asking them instead of looking for help and validation from people who wouldn't give that to him.

If Steve wound up in the future of his own world, if he ended up in a group of super-heroes, he was going to do his best to make sure none of them felt as alone as Tony seemed to. It wasn't fair for one person to be taking so much of the burden or being blamed for so many of the problems. It was supposed to be a _team_. They were all supposed to take care of each other.

It was too bad that Pepper didn't want to be an Avenger - he thought she could probably shape them up in no time. At the very least, Tony would have one other person as fiercely in his corner as Rhodey was. Steve would rest just a little bit easier if he thought Tony's team actually functioned as one. As it was, Steve wished like hell that he could give James Rhodes a hug or ten.

"Let me do this for you Tones. You shouldn't have to put your suit on again just to fight your friends."

The thought of it was enough to rip his heart out. Tony loved the idea of the Avengers, loved the thought of having a team. Even if Steve would never consider most of them Tony's friends, he knew that _Tony_ thought of them that way. They could all treat Tony like absolute shit until all of them died and Tony would still call each and every one of them a friend. Steve knew that it would kill Tony if he found himself in a situation where he had to fight those friends. He would make himself do it, but it would tear him up inside and haunt him forever.

Tony deserved better.

Thank God for Rhodey, who wouldn't let Tony hold the sky up completely on his own. Doing this wouldn't hurt Rhodey the way it would Tony - he might not like it, but Steve thought Rhodey saw it as necessary. Bringing in Barnes, Rogers and anyone who was helping them was a decision he could rest easy with. Tony loved the suit, loved being Iron Man. He shouldn't have to do anything that would taint that love, especially not this. Steve prayed that Tony would let his best friend bite this particular bullet, and that once it was done that would be the end of it. All he wanted was for Tony to be happy - he didn't think that would ever happen if Tony was forced into this fight.

"... bring them in, War Machine," Tony said quietly. "Bring them in so we can bring them home. I'll get our UN liaison on the phone and let her know the situation. I don't think they'll object to an Avengers presence. If they do..." Tony heaved another heavy sigh, staring out the window. "We'll burn that bridge once we cross it. Just bring them in - I'll start working on a way to spin this."

"You don't have to keep protecting them--"

"This is my fault Rhodey. I knew the Accords were in the works and I should have brought the rest of the team up to speed right away. If I had... maybe we could have found a compromise. Instead I let them get ambushed with this by fucking _Thaddeus Ross_ of all people. I handled this wrong, I took the wrong approach, and now we're falling the fuck apart. So now I need to make this right. I can get Cap - and Wilson, if I need to - off the hook if they sign. Probably. I'll take a hit doing it, but that's fine. I even brought.. I don't know if it'll make a difference, but maybe it'll... not important. Barnes is an easier fish to fry - I can spin the hell out of that. He was essentially a prisoner of war for what - seventy years or so? I can work with that, and we can bring him home too. I can start looking for a therapist for him, someone who specializes in treating veterans maybe. Someone on US soil so Rogers has access to him - might keep him closer to home, which would make the fallout from this mess a lot easier to handle. I can fix this. I can make this work for us. Once you bring them in, I can bring them all home and _fix_ this. I can keep the team together."

"Tones..."

"I don't want to hear it Rhodey. You've got your assignment and I've got mine. Let's do this."

Steve was still grateful that Rhodey was there to deal with Barnes and Rogers and Wilson. He was less happy that Tony was about to throw himself between the Avengers and the rest of the world, _again_. There was only so much a single person could do, and there was too much sky to hold up alone.

Tony needed someone - Tony needed _him_. Loki had sent him away and brought him back because he thought their universe needed a Captain America that was Steve Rogers... but who said that had to be forever? Once he got to the future, once he came out of the ice and dealt with an alien invasion, he would have access to Loki again. Maybe his job would be over; maybe he could convince Loki to send him _home_.

Steve couldn't hold the sky up either, but maybe he could help Tony keep at least a small corner of it from crashing down. It would be something to think about once he woke up.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Because of my suckage and being a bad fic mom, this is the last chapter that KiernaSerae beta'd. <3 She was awesome and I'm sure the rest of the fic won't be as good since I dropped the ball then picked it up and ran with it. :'D


	11. Chapter 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Second chapter of the posting blitz. :'D

There was only one base left standing on the map Steve and STAR had drawn out, and that should have felt like a victory.

Instead, all Steve felt when he stared at it was dread curling cold and heavy in his stomach. This was it - this was where he had been headed all along, the final stretch. It was the beginning of the end of the beginning. Red Skull and Hydra looked like they were on the run, sure, but appearances could be deceiving. Steve knew that they were likely drawing back to consolidate and firm up their position. Red Skull was putting the finishing touches on his solution to the problem of humanity; Steve was hurtling head-first toward the ice; Bucky might be headed for something worse.

Steve had pulled his friend, his brother, aside and tried to warn him. Buck had given him an inscrutable look before smiling. The jerk had even ruffled his hair, which just really undercut the dramatic nature of the moment. 'What'll be will be, Stevie', Bucky had told him quietly. The words had tempted Steve into believing Bucky was fine, that he had accepted his possible future the same way Steve had accepted his own.... but there were shadows in Bucky's eyes sometimes. Longer and darker than the ones Red Skull had put there, they haunted Steve's thoughts. Bucky wouldn't promise to be careful, so Steve would just have to keep watch. He would stay alert and vigilant, and he would keep Bucky from falling.

He had promised Bucky that he wouldn't let him become a monster. It was a promise he aimed to keep.

It was surreal to be watching his team debate the best way to enter that last base. He felt the strings of Fate winding around them all, tightening to the point that it was painful. There were things that couldn't be changed, things that had to happen - Steve had learned that the hard way. Maybe the circumstances were a little different; maybe the methods and motives weren't exactly the same. But Pearl Harbor had still been attacked, Erskine had still died, and Steve was part of a small team that took pleasure in doing the impossible.

So he wasn't all that surprised when Jarvis pointed out that Arnim Zola would know how to get into the base without raising any alarms. He didn't fight the way Matthew and STAR began debating the best way to get their hands on the scientist. Steve didn't bat a goddamn lash when Howlett reminded them that intelligence had Zola set to travel through the Alps by train in a little less than two weeks. He pretended he didn't notice the way STAR hesitated before laying out her plan to board it, and he threw himself into planning contingencies and outcomes like the thought of it didn't terrify him.

If he started touching Buck as often as he could to reassure himself that the man was still there, that was just fine. Bucky was hugging him back just as tight, after all, and the shadows in his eyes kept growing longer. The sun was setting, the night was closing in, and Steve could feel a chill settling into him bone-deep.

~.~.~

"Ya don't gotta be here for this, Buck," Steve told him quietly as the team stood by, waiting for their chance to board Zola's train. There was a cold wind whipping around them, tugging at their clothes and hair, stinging their faces. They were surrounded by mountains, and all Steve could see was Bucky falling to a fate worse than death. "I got this, me'n Arnie'n Howlett do. Don't need another super soldier or nothin'. Ya could hang back'n--"

"Stevie? Can it."

The first warning rumblings of the approaching train hit his ears, and Steve wanted nothing more than to call the mission off. There were other ways to get the information they wanted. They could enter the base by force, they could bring the whole army with them, they could find a way to avoid the disaster that was certainly on the horizon. Bucky's eyes were iron-hard though, the blue in them disappearing in the face of his determination.

Steve didn't know if Buck really thought that 'what would be would be' or if he was so set on doing this to spit in fate's face. Either way, he planned to see it through. There was nothing Steve could say to change his mind, so he needed to refocus his energy into doing his damnedest to keep every single one of his men safe. Safe, unharmed and un-fallen.

"Almost showtime, boys," Arnie said quietly, eyes keen and feet fidgeting. "Let's get the bastard, yeah?"

"You're all always _talking_ ," Howlett complained, shouldering Steve out of the way to get his own gear on the line. "Just do it." Steve suppressed a bout of laughter that would have been wildly inappropriate - now wasn't the time to be giggling over ads from the future in a fit of hysteria.

He knew he oughta shove in front of his teammate and go first, but when he edged towards doing just that Howlett growled at him. He subsided with a roll of his eyes and got in line behind the man instead. Wouldn't make too much difference anyway, what with all of them headed to the same place.

As they waited for the right moment, Steve took a deep breath and tried to get his head in the right place. They had to execute this pretty damn close to perfect, and there was more than Bucky's future at stake. Zola could help them end things quicker, maybe with a little less bloodshed; he could also play a large part in the downfall of SHIELD if he survived. They were walking the razor's edge, and Steve wasn't sure which way he wanted things to fall.

Thankfully he didn't have any more time to think, because it was his turn to go hurtling toward the train that would help decide all of their futures. Wind slapped his face and tugged at his clothes; it helped him remain in the moment. Less helpfully, it also reminded him of the way cold used to wrap around him like a blanket, and the fate that soon might await him. He needed to keep his head in the game, and he needed to stop thinking so damn much.

His feet hit the roof of the train, and Steve willfully and consciously tuned out the part of his brain that was always working itself to death. The wind was even stronger there while the train barreled ahead, which made hearing anything at all difficult. If it had been snowing their visibility would be just as shot to hell. As it was, the weather was thankfully in their favor. The Imps also had a set of hand signals set up for cases like this, and they’d planned this mission exhaustively to boot.

"Split up!" Steve ordered with his voice and hands. "Bucky'n Howlett ta the front, me'n Arnie movin' back."

They wanted to take the train if they could, and Steve wanted to keep Bucky as far away from Zola as possible. The Hydra scientist would undoubtedly be quartered towards the caboose. Probably in one of those compartments like Steve read about in serials sometimes, ones more plush and comfy than was warranted. He and Arnie were in charge of finding it, while Buck and Howlett were charged with taking out as many Hydra goons as they could on the way to the engine room. They were the ones who would take control of the train. If he and Arnie failed, they were Plan B.

STAR was going with them, and was already cuddled close to Buck's neck, gripping tight to the collar of his uniform. Steve saluted three of the people that meant the most to him, then had to turn and leave them to fend for themselves. He hunkered down towards the train so he could move without being flung off to his doom. Arnie followed close after, and once they reached the end of that compartment they dropped down toward the coupling and moved down one compartment. They paused on either side of the door, where Steve held up one hand to keep Arnie from charging in too soon.

The serum gave him an advantage when it came to his senses, and he aimed to put that to good use. The rumble of the train and the howling of the wind kept him from hearing anyone move around, but he was sure he would hear it if anyone had detected their presence and raised the alarm. When he didn't get anything of the sort, he started a countdown with his fingers; as soon as the last finger was tucked against his palm, he and Arnie moved.

Arnie was the one who flung the compartment door open, but Steve was the one to barge in first. For one second, a brief flash of time, everything was quiet and still. The three Hydra lackeys who were in the compartment stared, two with cigarettes barely clinging to slackened lips, and the only sounds came from the train and the wind. Then everything shattered and fell into chaos, hard to keep track of and harder still to take in as a whole.

Flashes of the fighting found a way to ingrain themselves into his memory. The man who tried to throw a grenade only to have his superior turn and shoot him - Steve had heard the word 'Zola' fall from the superior's lips, and gathered that any action that might lead to harm against Red Skull's pet scientist would be punished swiftly and severely. There were the two men they managed to catch sleeping, whiskey on their breath when Steve and Arnie ripped the poison teeth from their mouths and only a few amber drops left between the three bottles on the floor beside them. They would be handy prisoners if the Imps managed to pull this off. There was another man who was too close to being a boy to be so eager to die, one withered and bent with age who welcomed death with a smile…

Faces and individuals managed to bury their way under his skin, but the fighting itself was mostly a blur. The shield and bullets and fists, with not one sign of the Tesseract driven weapons. Compartment after compartment systematically entered, overpowered and abandoned for the next; the piercing whistle of the train suddenly cut off that Steve thought was a halted call to action; blood and sweat and teeth that broke open with deadly intent instead of being knocked out. It was everything the war had been from day one, only the stakes were so high it made Steve dizzy whenever the fighting lulled long enough that he remembered them.

"Hold up Cap," Arnie said while grabbing hold of his collar, interrupting the flow Steve had fallen into. He came to an abrupt halt, then took the opportunity to wipe away a trickle of blood he realized was threatening to drip down into his left eye and obscure his vision. The sudden stop was jarring, disorienting, the lack of shouting and shooting ringing in his ears even louder than the noise of the train.

"What’re we waitin’ on exactly?. Gotta move fast or Zola'll find a way ta slither outta our hands. So maybe we oughta--"

"Oughta wait for Sergeant Valor and my niece." Steve couldn't help but let out an explosive sigh, irritated beyond what Arnie would see as reasonable. His best friend immediately shook him, like a mother cat might a disobedient kitten. It put Steve's back right up, but Arnie didn't give him a chance to protest. "Don't care why you's keepin' the Sarge away, we oughta wait. Ain't no way nobody knows somethin's up still, and Howlett just gave the all-clear from the engine room. Sarge is headin' this way with our guidin' light, so let's just hold our horses, catch our breath and wait."

Steve let out a curse that would have earned him several mouth-washings from his ma; Arnie's response was to shake him again. Steve swore a little less colorfully, then pulled out of Arnie's grip. "Don't go shakin' me. 'S undignified for a captain."

The tacked on, half-hearted words did nothing to lessen the displeasure on Arnie's face. Steve guessed they didn't do enough to soften his first words, the ones he knew came out too harsh. It was just that he wasn't the same reckless kid from Brooklyn, the one Arnie protected and scolded in turns. Steve was a soldier - more than that, he was Captain America. And Captain America had legitimate fucking reasons for trying to keep Sergeant Valor out of this particular fight.

Bucky knew it too, so why the bastard was so determined to barrel headlong into this particular danger Steve didn't know.

"Look, it's your call _Cap_ , but for my two cents I wanna throw out waitin' for the Sarge. We's got a mission and havin' him here will give us a better chance to get it done."

"Don't know why I ever encouraged ya ta go _thinkin'_ instead-a just followin' orders. That's all army grunts're supposed ta be good at."

Arnie flashed him a bright grin before clapping him on the shoulder. "Maybe I was never too good at bein' a soldier then. We waitin'?"

"Might as well now. He's gotta be halfway here at least."

The compartment door at their backs was flung open, and Steve reacted only a hair quicker than Arnie. He was in front of his best friend, shield ready to protect the both of them, before he even had a chance to take a deep breath. Behind him, Arnie was hunkered down just enough that he could point his gun over Steve's shoulder, dropping into the position with the smooth ease of habit. They were both ready for the coming fight... which made it pretty damn anticlimactic when Bucky stepped inside.

"God _dammit_ , Sarge. Couldn't have given a warning it was only you? Shit." Arnie pulled back still swearing; Steve couldn't help but grin at his ire. He turned away from both super soldiers and stalked toward the back of the train, muttering to himself as he checked his weapons.

"Didn't mean ta spook 'im."

"Did too."

"Maybe." Bucky's wolfish grin meant that 'maybe' was a complete lie, but Steve didn't call him on it. Not when there was a slight tremble to his lips, not when his hands were clenched just a little too tight around his rifle. He must have noticed Steve watching, because his expression suddenly turned soft and sad. Something clenched hard in Steve's stomach at the look, and all he wanted to do was call this whole thing off. If they left the train, if Howlett stopped it instead of continuing on like everything was normal, maybe he could save Bucky from falling. Maybe he could save his friend from his own stupid bravery. "Go on over ta Stevie, little light. He's gonna need ya."

"Why the fuck ya sayin' that like it's a goodbye?" He almost refused to take STAR, knowing Bucky would be a lot more careful if the little robot was perched on his shoulder. She seemed to know it too, because she hung on tight and wouldn't let go. Bucky had to peel her away from his collar and keep a gentle hold of her so she wouldn't try to climb back up his arm.

"Stevie... take her. Keep her safe."

"I'm thinkin' ya could do that just as well."

"Stevie."

"Buck."

Their gazes were locked, and Steve didn't like what he could see in Bucky's eyes. It felt like if he blinked his friend would slip away, like maybe he had already lost Bucky and just hadn't realized it yet. Looking away was the worst thing he could do - if he just kept up this battle of wills, if he managed to win it, if he just kept his eyes on Bucky... everything could still wind up okay. All he needed to do was stay in this moment forever and none of them would lose a damned thing.

A hand flashed down between them, breaking the tension and forcing Steve's eyes elsewhere. Bucky used the moment to push STAR onto Steve's shoulder and turn away. Steve's blood ran cold as he watched Bucky walk toward the compartment door, to Zola and his fate, shoulders square and back ramrod straight. All he could do for a few seconds was watch and wonder if this would be the last time they ever argued over what to do next.

He wondered if the cold wrapping around his bones would ever _really_ go away again.

Arnie grabbed hold of his shoulders, and for a brief moment in time Steve wanted to yell at him. He wanted to cuss him out for being the one to break the moment, for making them wait for Bucky in the first place. If Arnie's eyes weren't so obviously filled with worry and care, he probably would have given into the urge. He would have yelled at Arnie because yelling at Bucky hadn't worked so far and Zola wasn't currently in hearing range. Wouldn't have changed anything, wouldn't have even made him feel any better, so Steve guessed it was a good thing that Arnie's dumb face had stopped him.

The Hydra soldiers must have realized something was up, just like Arnie had thought. There were twenty men in the next compartment instead of the handfuls they had been facing; the one after that held almost thirty. Clearly their 'ambush' had been that for only the first couple train cars and most of the enemy had been making their way down the train at the same time he and Arnie had. The addition of Bucky to their immediate roster took away any advantage Hydra had hoped to gain with the larger numbers; Sergeant Valor was vicious in a way he hadn't been in months.

Steve fought, and he worried, and he prayed.

Zola was behind a wall of Hydra goons in the last compartment before the caboose. His shouting was a piercing counterpart to the shots being fired and the impact of fists against flesh. Quarters were too cramped for the shield to be much use, but Steve still kept it out and in front of him. It was as familiar and comforting as the way STAR stayed huddled into the crook of his neck, calling out warnings and strategies even as he knew most of her focus was on continuing to disrupt any radio signals the remaining soldiers might be trying to send out.

One of the last Hydra soldiers left panicked and threw a grenade - there weren’t enough superior officers left to shoot him for it. Distracted, too much of him back to thinking and worrying about Bucky, Steve didn't allow the grenade to hit the ground so he could cover it with the shield. Instead he hit it and sent the little bomb careening into the side of the train where it exploded, ripping a large panel apart. A biting wind slammed it's way in, tugging at their clothes as if demanding they come out to play. Such a move would be fatal, because they were high on a mountain track, careening over a valley deeper than any Steve had seen before.

All that was between them and death or a fate worse than that was a few feet and a firm stance. Steve hoped like hell that would be enough.

They were close - they were so, so close to achieving victory without having to pay too high a price for it. Just five more goons and Zola left, and maybe the hole in the side of the train would only haunt him because of what could have been. 

God, if anyone fell - if _Bucky fell_ \- it would be Steve's fault. He had re-directed the grenade, he had made that mistake and given this mission the green light. Even before then, he had stolen Bucky's place in the program, had become something he was never meant to be in this world. He had brought them to this place, and if anyone fell at all it ought to be _him_.

With that in mind, Steve charged forward, bypassing the last of the fighting to head straight for Zola. If he could catch the scientist - who was still yelling words that were more like the squealing of a frightened pig - this fight would end. The five soldiers left wouldn't matter and neither would the gaping maw that was ready to swallow Bucky whole.

Zola was a spineless coward that Steve fully expected would fold like a cheap suit. He had done just that in the Austrian base after all, ready to sing out all of his secrets before Steve had done so much as hit him. Zola's survival instinct was stronger than his loyalty; he was a rat, nothing like the soldiers who were so proud to be one of the heads cut from Hydra so two more could sprout.

In his eagerness to get the job done, Steve forgot that even rats could bite back.

Zola's hand had been stuck inside the briefcase he carried, but Steve didn't notice until he was yanking it out and pointing a gun right at the shield. It was a stupid move... or it would have been if it had been a regular gun. But Zola wasn't a regular soldier, and even if he wasn't really a killer he also wasn't adverse to using his own inventions. What shot out towards Steve wasn't a bullet or even a beam of energy powered by the Tesseract. Zola had found a way to weaponize vibrations moving through the air; while Steve didn't see anything leaving the gun, he sure as hell felt the effect when it reached him.

His shield was the first warning, beginning to whine and shudder in his grip a moment before air made solid slammed into his body and threw him like a rag doll to the opposite end of the compartment. The impact knocked the breath from his body, left him gasping and feeling like he'd taken a kick to the stomach from a horse. Two of his ribs felt cracked if not broken, and his whole body ached after even just the one shot. It took him a moment to shake the ringing from his ears and blink his vision straight, and as soon as he did he realized that he couldn't feel STAR on his shoulder anymore.

Dread flooded his veins like ice creeping over his skin. He threw his head up despite the way his neck screamed at him for the sudden motion, searching for his girl. At first all he could see was the rest of the men in the compartment - they had all been sent staggering too, even the Hydra soldiers. He took just enough time to note that Bucky, thank God, hadn't been put too close to where the grenade had made falling possible. Arnie was closer, but not close enough to distract Steve from his current objective. Pain exploded in his head when he lurched to his feet, throat working but tongue unable to form the words to call out for her.

Fuck the guns that made people disappear to God knows where - if Red Skull equipped all of his soldiers with the small, unassuming weapon Zola was still brandishing the Allied forces would be in deep shit. Even his shield hadn't been enough to turn the attack away. Steve had no idea what would be.

His brain wasn't working well enough to wonder why Zola didn't fire again immediately, just thanked God he hadn't. His girl was still missing, maybe hurt by the scientist's new invention. He needed to know if she was alright before he could figure out his next step. It took him several more heartbeats before his eyes finally noted a small movement to his left. It took him a couple more to fully take in the fact that it was STAR, fighting her way out of a small pile of debris. She was alright - maybe a little shaken, but so was he. She was fine, Zola still hadn't fired a second shot, and it was time to try again.

Arnie seemed to have the same idea, because Steve saw him struggling to get to his feet. Bucky was already up, looking less dazed than Steve was sure he himself did. Made sense, Steve guessed, that he was recovering quicker than any of them. He had the serum on his side _and_ he hadn't been in the direct line of fire. Steve had the brief, bright hope that it could be Bucky who captured Zola - he could capture Zola instead of falling and spit directly in fate's eye.

All that hope was killed when Zola turned his devilish weapon on _Arnie_. Arnie who would be flung directly out of the train when the thing fired. There was no hope he would live if that happened. The fall was too far, the mountains too remote for a quick rescue, and the cold too intense for him to survive long even if the drop wasn't enough on its own to kill him.

It was like Erskine all over again, with Steve just far enough away that his shaky footing wouldn't be enough to save someone he cared about. He tried anyway, surging forward as quickly as he could. All he could think about was what the hell he was supposed to tell Susan and the rest of his girls.

"Arnie! _Move_!" Not that he had much of a chance, but maybe he could throw himself out of harm's way. Maybe he could shift so he would hit the wall of the compartment instead of empty air. Maybe he could end up broken instead of dead.

Zola's finger twitched, and Steve already felt emotion clogging his throat. Already his eyes burned and his heart pounded with combined fury, guilt and grief. He managed two steps that didn't bring him anywhere near close enough to his goal and his shield whined in sympathy to the vibrations running through the air. Arnie was still rooted to the same spot, staring wide-eyed at the face of his doom... and then he was flying through the air.

He was flying through the air _towards Steve_ , and it was _Bucky_ who was hit full-force with the effect of Zola's gun after hurling Arnie out of the way. Rocked back by those same vibrations and Arnie's weight when the man hit him, Steve was forced to watch as Bucky's body seemed to crumple under the strength of Zola's attack... and then he was gone. There was no last look, no desperate plea to hang on, not even a scream to mark the occasion. One moment Bucky had been there and then... then he just wasn't.

"Stevie... he... he..."

Arnie sounded stricken, voice hoarse as he clutched at Steve's arm, but Steve only half-heard him. He too busy staring at the hole in the train, the one that he'd put there, the one that had taken Bucky away. The mission had been doomed before they had even begun to plan it, and Steve was a fool for thinking it could be different. Maybe it was the trade-off for Steve Rogers being Captain America. Maybe when that happened, Bucky Barnes had to become something else.

There were still words hitting his ears, but Steve wasn't hearing them as he finally tore his eyes away and looked at Zola instead. The scientist seemed to be having some kind of difficulty with his gun. The thing was smoking and Steve caught the faint smell of burnt flesh, but Zola wasn't throwing down his only weapon. He was trying to get it to work one last time, probably hoping to take Steve and Arnie out as well.

He was supposed to capture Zola - that was the plan. Steve was supposed to take him into custody, forcibly if necessary, so he would sing all of Hydra's secrets to the S.S.R. and win them the war with Hydra. Only Zola had sentenced Bucky to his worst nightmare, where he might beat the odds and survive only to become a monster. Zola could and probably would go on to sink his tentacles into the S.S.R. and any agencies that grew out of it. Zola and people like him were the reason SHIELD had fallen and Hydra survived, and he was still actively trying to kill them.

Decision made before Steve knew he was giving himself a choice, he reached for Arnie's sidearm. It was a small thing, a standard issue Colt 45, but it packed more than enough of a punch to do what needed to be done. One shot was all it took, and Zola was on the ground with a bullet between his eyes just as quick as Bucky had been taken from them.

Mission over, unsuccessful and one man down.

~.~.~

Officially, James Buchanan Barnes was listed as 'MIA'. Even with a war to win Phillips was pushing his troops hard to find the body before he would declare otherwise. Steve had hoped they could find Bucky before anyone else did, that maybe he could still keep Bucky from becoming the Winter Soldier. Hours turned to days, however, and there was still no sign of him.

Steve didn't know enough about what had happened in the other world to know where to keep looking, and his hope had first flickered like a candle before being gutted entirely by a cold wind. He didn't think Colonel Phillips really expected to find anything either. It was only stubbornness that kept the search going.

Arnie was a mess, and the rest of the Imps weren't much better. Howlett was back to using mostly growls to communicate, Matthew was sad and drawn, and Jarvis forced enough tea down all their throats to drown a fish. There was a hole in their ranks, one that was slowly bleeding out, and all Steve wanted to do was lay down and lose himself in memories until things didn't hurt so goddamn much.

Someone else could go win the war. He and his men were tired.

He wondered how he could tell Phillips just that - to fuck off and leave the Imps alone to grieve - as he laid in his bunk and stared up at the ceiling. Arnie was curled up at his side where he had cried himself to sleep, survivor's guilt ravaging his soul. Steve had already lost count of the times he had heard 'it shoulda been me, Stevie, it shoulda been me'. Arnie was ripping himself to pieces good enough already - he didn't need any help from Hydra soldiers. There was no way Phillips would go for it of course, and he felt disgusted with himself at even the thought of actually asking, but damn him if he didn't want to.

"Steve?" STAR had been quiet too, and Steve thought it was a shame she couldn't actually cry. He didn't know how else to get the grief out, how to process it, and he knew his girl was struggling. Inwardly fuming at his own helplessness, he reached out and ran his index finger over her head. She leaned into the touch from where she was curled into the crook of Arnie's neck, then grabbed hold of his finger in a silent plea for him to stay close. He obliged, covering her lightly with the whole of his hand to try and offer her some small comfort.

"What do ya need, starry skies?" God, she might not be called 'little light' ever again. For some reason that hurt more than almost anything else, and Steve felt his eyes start to burn with another round of tears.

"I... there's something that..." Hearing her struggle for words was so hard, especially since he could also feel her trembling against his palm. "I should have told you sooner, but I... it hurts and I don't..."

"Shhh... easy. Ain't gonna be mad at ya, whatever it is. If ya still ain't ready, just--"

"No. You should... he wanted to leave you a message. He said if he wrote it down you would find it before you were supposed to and worry yourself sick over it. So he asked me to... he asked me to play it for you after... after.... After."

Steve turned his head and bit the pillow to keep from letting out a sob that would be loud enough to wake Arnie. Of course the bastard had been sure something like this would happen. He was as stupid as Steve was always accused of being for running headlong into danger despite that. Part of him didn't want her to play it, didn't want to know what Bucky might have said. Another part of him was desperate to hear his friend's voice just one more time.

"Steve? Should I...?"

"Yeah," he rasped, allowing his tears to start falling. "Please." There was a moment of silence, and then Bucky's voice was in his ear, as clear and as close as if he were still right there at his side.

"Hey Stevie. If my little light is playin' this for ya, then I guess I ain't around anymore. I know ya thought tellin' me would change somethin' and part-a me is real sorry it didn't, but... I dunno. I think I prob'ly used all my luck up early askin' pretty girls ta dance. Don't think I got enough left ta keep me safe from becomin' whatever it is ya saw the other Bucky become in that future of yours. If it's s'posed ta happen it will, just like how you're hell-bent on goin' inta the ice. If I'm wrong ya won't ever have ta hear this, and I'll be payin' my little light back for years for puttin' her through recordin' it for me. If I'm right... Jesus. I'm sorry sweetheart, but thanks for playin' this for him even though it can't be easy. I know you'll take care-a each other up till the very end. I'm glad the two-a ya have each other, and that Arnie has the girls. Write home ta Becca and Rachel, will ya? Tell 'em not ta cry too much, and tell Becca she's got my blessing ta marry that boy she thinks I don't know about. Maybe ask your girls ta keep lookin' out for mine since ya won't be there ta do it for me yourself. And Stevie? This ain't your fault, punk. I know ya think ya coulda done somethin' different, somethin' ta stop it... but..."

Over his own soft sobs and Arnie's breathing, Steve heard Bucky take a deep, shaking breath.

"However it happened, whatever ya think ya coulda done ta stop it... let it go, Stevie. Let it go'n finish the fight we started. Ya gotta do it for me'n Erskine'n Tony. So don't go beatin' yourself up on my account, and don't ya let any-a the other Imps do it either. Drink a glass-a whiskey for me, then move on. Finish Red Skull'n mebbe think about not puttin' that plane down. An' if ya can't do anythin' else because ya think that's how it's gotta be... well. Ya know that's why I did it too. Because I had ta. I love ya, Stevie, and I love ya too little light. It's been an honor ta get ta know the both-a ya, and Arnie'n the Imps too. Don't be sad for me for too long, ya hear? And if ya do get ta the future, don't go bendin' over backwards ta look for me. Work on gettin' back ta Tony instead, 'cause that'll make ya happier than I ever can. Bye Stevie, and give 'em all hell Captain America."

By the time the message was over, Steve was weeping openly and STAR had moved to cuddle against his neck instead of Arnie's. It hit him, really and truly hit him, that Bucky Barnes was dead. Even if they met again in the future, it wouldn't be the same; _they_ wouldn't be the same. Fate was having her way with the both of them, and Steve didn't know what they would look like when they finally came out the other side.

He needed to write Becca and Rachel. He needed to write his gaggle of girls. He needed to drag himself back up onto his feet and start planning the last offensive against Hydra. And he would - he would do all of that and then some. It was just that first he needed a little more time to mourn the man that had turned into a brother.

"Save that," he told STAR through the tears. "Don't ya ever go erasin' it, or any-a the pictures'n such of him."

"Of course."

Just like everything they had left of Tony, Steve and STAR were going to keep what remained of Bucky. It would all be saved and sacred, another piece of shared grief mingled with the joy of having known him at all. They would never, ever forget the people they loved no matter what Fate had in store for them.


	12. Chapter 12

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This fic got a lot longer than I meant it to. ;.;

"We gotta do it _now_. Red Skull's gotta know 'bout Zola's death. He'll know we're gonna be comin' for him and he's gonna wanna put his plan inta action before we get a chance ta stop him."

"It's not that I disagree with that point, Captain. I'm only saying--"

"You putting yourself out there as bait is a shit plan, bub."

"Er, yes. Howlett here has summed it up nicely, I suppose. There is no reason for you to dangle yourself in front of Hydra the way you suggest."

Steve held in a sigh as he looked around the table and met four pairs of disapproving eyes. The Imps weren't buying the plan he had put together on his own, which was a bit of a kick to the seat of his pants. STAR had approved it even if she didn't like it, so he didn't know why they were getting all in a huff over it. If it had only been Arnie or Jarvis, Steve could have brushed it off - Arnie was still overwhelmed with guilt and Jarvis was a mother hen. But every single one of his men telling him 'no'... he figured he oughta listen to that.

It wasn't like it was their only option, so Steve could admit he was being hasty. He just wanted this done, wanted the fight against Red Skull to be over. There was a chance that Phillips would make sure the Imps got to go home once it was, and Steve wanted that for his boys more than anything. They deserved a chance to go back to their lives, and if they made it through this last fight they deserved to go _home_. The faster they finished, the quicker that could happen.

But he could slow down a little if it would put their minds at ease.

"Okay then. Any-a ya got any suggestions?"

"Didn't Zola's papers have anything useful in them?"

Matthew sighed at the question, and Steve felt a little guilty about the weary look on his face. Going through the things in Zola's briefcase was the agent's responsibility. Over the past two days Steve had heard more bitter complaining about the scientist's terrible handwriting than he cared to.

Maybe Matthew didn't say it, didn't hint about the fact that if Zola were alive he would be more useful than a stack of papers with chicken scratch on them, but Steve was pretty sure that the man wanted to. Phillips had certainly said it several times. Steve let the accusations, both spoken and not, roll off his back. Sure he hated killing anyone, but at least now Zola couldn't do any further harm. He wouldn't be able to poison whatever grew out of the S.S.R. and he wouldn't get away with his crimes with a slap on the wrist. So he didn't feel bad about it.

Well, not in the light of day anyhow. His dreams and nightmares were a different story entirely. When he wasn't dreaming of Tony, the faces of the men he had killed always seemed to show up somehow. Guilt was a strange thing.

"-not like he carried around blueprints of the base, Howlett, so do be reasonable. There are a few things that I believe may be of interest. STAR and I are working on them. Give us an afternoon more, Captain, and I'm sure we can crack them. I am of the opinion that we will end up with an access code or two to work with. If I'm right we won't need to lay the trap you have suggested."

"Even if he ain't, there's gotta be a better way, Stevie. You always was too ready for a fight - we oughta try somethin' sneakier. Won't do us no good to go chargin' in and force Hydra's hand."

"You're all a bunch-a punks. Arnie, go get them maps of the area around the base, will ya? Mebbe we can figure out a way ta get the terrain workin' for us. Could mebbe even figure out where they mighta put an access road in, don't ya think?"

Steve was surprised by the amount of tension that seemed to leave the room at his words. He had clearly underestimated just how much the Imps didn't want him to play the part of a worm on a hook. Maybe it hadn't been fair of him to ask them to be fine with it at all - Bucky's loss was still so close, so raw. Even if they knew he was bound for the ice and the future they wouldn't want to let him go before it was absolutely necessary.

He felt badly enough about the error in judgement that he stepped back and let the other Imps take control of the strategy meeting. STAR, perched on his shoulder, seemed content to do the same. They would probably have to adjust and tweak the plan that was forming as they watched, but that was alright. Their men could be trusted to come up with something that made sense, and giving them a say over this initial stage meant they would be less likely to stage a mutiny.

For all they called him 'Cap', they were real good at remembering he wasn't actually an officer when it suited them.

It wasn't like they were stupid either, and five minutes in he knew that he had made the right call. Howlett and Matthew were arguing over which of two likely access roads should be scouted first, with STAR playing devil's advocate for both of them. She was more engaged than Steve had seen her since Bucky's fall, which was an absolute blessing. The way she kept eliciting sour and outraged expressions from the two men was an entertaining bonus. While Howlett and Matthew argued those specifics, the other two Imps had diverted their attention into a different direction.

They had discarded the possibility of a full frontal assault almost immediately. Tucked away in his base, Red Skull would have the complete advantage. Nobody knew what kind of weapons Zola had developed that had yet to be properly field tested. Steve would bet the lives of his entire team that in a pinch Red Skull would throw everything he had at them, tested or not. So even if they did scout one of the smaller, more unassuming access roads, they still needed to be a bit stealthy in their approach.

Jarvis, with his unassuming demeanor and astonishing number of hidden weapons, paired well with Arnie, who could be a vicious bastard when he wanted to be. With guilt eating him up inside, he was inclined to be downright ruthless. From what Steve was hearing from that corner, Jarvis knew exactly how to indulge those urges without being too flashy about it.

He closed his eyes and took a moment to breathe and try to settle his thoughts. This was the end of this particular race, no question, but he couldn't be so eager to get there that he overlooked important things. Important things like keeping his team safe and with him so they could handle whatever was left of Red Skull's base before the regular army got there. Things like keeping them from worrying so bad they tied him up to keep him from haring off on his own. Things like making sure he had done all that he could to make sure his girls would be comfortable after he was gone, and that Rose had everything she needed to give Matthew to try and make this world's future a little better.

Most importantly, he needed a plan that wouldn't end up with him dead in a ditch because he had rushed full steam ahead.

As soon as he had centered himself, he snapped his eyes open again. STAR had the approach part of the mission well in hand. If he chose to wade into that discussion it would only muddy the waters. Ignoring that was better, and he could help Jarvis and Arnie lay the groundwork for personnel and equipment decisions.

"Did either-a ya hear 'bout how me'n Buck helped the Howling Commandos free the base in Austria?"

The look Arnie shared with Jarvis was just uncalled for in his opinion. it wasn't like they'd told the story more than a time or two.

"I do believe we may have heard something about it, yes."

"Couple dozen times we heard it Stevie. Was all you was yappin' about when I first--"

"Ya know what? I oughta set both-a ya ta peelin' potatoes. Shut yer gobs and listen ta me."

There was still a hole where Bucky should have been; there always would be. Despite that, it was easy - almost too easy - to fall into their usual banter and camaraderie even with him gone. Steve hated that it didn't feel completely impossible almost as much as he hated how easy it had been to keep going after losing Tony. Life went on, it had to... he just wished it didn't have to keep on going so quickly.

It took a few hours and quite a bit of shouting, but when the night drew to an end they had a plan. Well, technically two plans since they still needed to do a bit of scouting before they made any final decisions. Steve hoped it was enough, hoped it would lead to a fight that would keep Red Skull from enacting his final solution. He hoped it would lead to a fight where he did Bucky and Tony proud. Mostly he hoped it would lead to an end, and a long, peaceful sleep beneath the ice.

He could do with a little standing still while life went on without him.

~.~.~

Getting into the base turned out to be far less of a problem than they had anticipated. During their scouting mission, they discovered that Hydra didn’t treat the locals who helped supply them well. With the 'real' war heavily weighted in favor of the Allies, several of the disgruntled populace were willing to flip and sell out their overlord to a team led by an American. They were happy to lend out some clothing to provide disguises, freely discussed the standard routine, and were willing to stay behind on the next run so the Imps could conduct their mission.

Well, all except for one grumpy old man who insisted on coming because he always led the supply runs. He knew the passwords and how to speak to the Hydra soldiers in order to keep their suspicion at bay.

Steve had tried to make him swear to clear the area as soon as they were in. The man - Heinrich - had answered with a scoffing noise. He would leave the base but stay close, he said with a mighty glare. He would need to see if the mission failed, so he would know if he and his people needed to run. Steve couldn't argue with that logic.

So getting in was easy. Moving through the first few corridors was equally simple, since they were able to take the enemy by complete surprise. That element of surprise meant no Tesseract-powered weapons and Hydra soldiers that fumbled with their guns. As soon as the alarm sounded, however, things got... complicated.

Unlike the Imps, Hydra soldiers had no issue with going through each other in order to get a kill shot. As they were swarmed by the enemy, the Imps lost their tight formation and ended up fighting further and further from each other. Steve could hear them - especially Howlett, who liked to growl and shout obscenities as he fought - and he could see them from the corners of his eyes, but reaching them quickly would be next to impossible. There was a booming voice that sounded periodically, summoning all pilots to their stations, which terrified him. Red Skull was working to enact his plan, and if that happened thousands of people were going to die.

"Anyone who tries ta leave--"

"Kill 'em. Got it Cap. Watch your own damn-- argh!"

"Howlett!"

At Arnie's cry of concern, Steve briefly flicked his eyes toward Howlett and saw that he had his right hand pressed to his left bicep, blood streaming through his fingers. Concern flared to life, but he forced himself to ignore it. Howlett was already throwing himself back into the fight, and as much as he loved his men... he had bigger fish to fry. From the corner of his eye he saw a Hydra soldier moving to disengage. Currently operating under the assumption that anyone who did that was potentially a pilot, Steve let his shield fly.

It sang through the air, hitting five other enemy soldiers on the way and sending them crashing to the floor. His actual target followed soon after, and Steve tracked his shield as it curved around again. He took a breath, then jumped up into the air and took the opportunity to kick the nearest Hydra goon in the head. As the man fell, Steve touched down on his shoulder and pushed off to propel himself forward. It was easy enough to use the the enemy like stepping stones - he did as much damage as he could as he moved.

He met his shield halfway, left arm sliding into the strap to secure it as automatically as he breathed. Once it was there, he used a last shoulder to launch into a spin kick that sent the Hydra soldier to his right flying. As he hit the ground, he sent his shield flying again. This time it sliced through several Tesseract powered weapons that had just entered the scene; they exploded in the hands that held them, taking out that portion of Hydra soldiers.

For all that they boasted of growing two heads for each that was cut off, the enemy numbers were at last dwindling down. The Imps were able to start pulling in tight again so they could fight those who remained back to back. Steve looked his men over, pleased to see that while everyone was nursing small injuries no one seemed to be hurt too badly. "We got 'em on the ropes boys. Let's finish this."

"Captain, the pilots are still assembling," Jarvis pointed out, cool as a cucumber even as he shot a charging Hydra soldier in the face. "Perhaps you should take Arnie and Matthew on ahead to stop them from leaving the ground. Howlett and I are more than capable of handling what remains here."

"Damn straight bub."

Steve didn't hesitate, just saluted the two men he would leave behind. "Trustin' ya not ta die here - don't let me down!"

From what he had seen and what Matthew had translated from Zola's notes, this version of Hydra seemed limited in the ways they had managed to use the Tesseract. He could only hope that meant there wouldn't be too many planes that they needed to stop. 

God, he prayed they could stop them all.

Hydra bases were predictable in their layout; Steve thought it was a byproduct of the faction's craving for order. As he, Matthew and Arnie raced through the hallways they took out any soldiers they came across. Steve used his shield to do it as often as possible to conserve ammunition. Even with all the fancy toys Howard Stark had given them they were likely going to need every bullet they had.

There were no additional injuries or issues before the reached the hanger; Steve still brought his Imps to a halt just outside of it. They needed to reload and take a breath, and Steve couldn't hear any planes running just yet. All he could hear, actually, was Red Skull giving some kind of speech. Steve rolled his eyes and resisted the urge to facepalm. He should be glad that Red Skull was so damn dramatic, but he was too stuck on how _stupid_ it was. His base was under attack and he was giving a _speech_ about glory and sacrifice and all kinds of things that really weren't important in the moment. It was ridiculous, and he shared a look with his men that was disbelieving and condescending - they clearly agreed with his sentiment.

There was a moment of protracted silence on their part, during which they all reached into the pouches on their belts. Steve had no idea how many planes Hydra might have, but he hoped the explosives Howard had given them would be able to take out a sizable chunk of them. It depended on the numbers and their formation while on the ground... which meant they could use a bit of a hint.

And Red Skull was still talking, so he was going to take the chance.

"Go get me a snapshot if ya can Starlight," he whispered to the 'bot, who unfolded and slid down his arm. It was easy enough for her to round the last corner, and Steve kept a sharp ear and eye out for any change in the current situation. Red Skull seemed to be reaching the climax of his pep talk when STAR came back with a projection of the layout of the room on her back. Steve nearly collapsed in relief when he saw only seven planes... and their pilots, who were holding flutes of what looked like _champagne_. Red Skull might have had a decent run as an evil overlord, but Steve was still pretty sure he was just about the stupidest person he had ever come across.

"I want ya ta go left, Matthew. Arnie take the right. I'm goin' for Red Skull'n the pilots."

"Captain, are you quite sure--"

"You better not be plannin' somethin' stupid, Cap."

"Shattup'n go!"

They were insubordinate jerks, but they also moved at his command without hesitation. Planes were useless without someone to fly them, so while Arnie and Matthew began to fling Howard's explosives at the aircraft, Steve hurled one right into the midst of the pilots. Shield held defensively in front of him, he ran in the same direction. As fire and fury engulfed the pilots and several of their planes, Steve just kept running.

At least until an impact like an elephant slammed into his shield and flung him backwards. He hit the ground next to one of the dead pilots - the man's jacket was still on fire, which spread to Steve's uniform. Immediately Steve rolled to smother it, and in the process brushed the back of his right hand against a red hot piece of metal. He hissed but clambered to his feet, looking wildly for whatever had hit him.

All he saw was Red Skull, who was headed for one of the three aircraft that hadn't yet been destroyed. Before climbing aboard he took a moment to look back at Steve and sneer - dramatic fuck. The founder of Hydra raised his left arm, and Steve saw that he was still missing his hand; he had sort of expected a hook or something. Instead there was just an ugly metal cap on the stub, and Steve wondered why he had allowed something so inelegant to be put on his person.

Before the thought even finished, he was rushing at the plane again, heart pounding. This was it - this was one of the moments he had been racing toward. Red Skull wasn't visible anymore, but the entryway to the large craft was still down. He had a chance to make it, a chance to stop Red Skull from carrying out his mission of destruction all on his own. Matthew and Arnie had no chance of joining him, Thank God, not with how far away they were or with the Hydra minions that had started to enter the hanger. It was going to be him and Red Skull... except now the craft was running and that entrance was raising up off the ground, the craft beginning to follow.

Putting his head down, Steve ran for all he was worth, calculating when he would need to jump. He almost didn't make it; as his feet left the ground, the craft put on a small boost of speed, very nearly leaving him behind. His fingers just caught hold of the lip of that closing door, and he scrambled to get up and over before it closed completely. For a perilous moment he perched on the edge, looking back towards Arnie and Matthew, a lump of emotion choking him.

"Take care-a each other and my girls!"

Both Imps began to shout denials, and he saw Arnie's desperate expression as he shrugged off a Hydra crony and began to run towards the craft. Tears in his eyes, Steve took one last look at his brother, then dropped into the aircraft a heartbeat before it was too late.

His doom was at hand, and Steve was ready to face it.

The bombs he passed on the way to the cockpit were lined with what looked like veins that pulsed with Tesseract-blue power. He shuddered to think of how much damage they could do, and part of him itched to just make them explode now. That way there would be no chance that they would deliver their awful payload... but Steve also wouldn't have any way into the future.

He _needed_ to get to the future. That was where he could meet Loki again, and it was only by seeing Loki that he could go home to Tony. It was selfish of him, but he wanted that chance to go back home. He just needed to make sure that Red Skull didn't get a chance to fire, that was all.

Steve had his shield up when he reached the cockpit, but he needn't have bothered. Red Skull was standing before the controls with his back to the doorway, probably programming the destination into the complicated-looking control panel.

"So, _Captain_. You have come to stop me. I must admit, I have been looking forward to this." Red Skull looked over his shoulder and bared his teeth in a parody of a smile, and Steve couldn't help but shudder. "I will greatly enjoy teaching you the meaning of pain before I allow you to die. I think I will make you watch the destruction of New York City first. You have friends there, do you not?"

For just a moment, Steve let himself be afraid of that outcome. He had more than friends in the city, after all - he had family. His girls were in danger, and the thought of losing this fight, of being unable to protect them... Steve curled his right hand into a tight fist, turning his fear into hard resolve. He wouldn't let that happen. He _wouldn't_.

"Ya gonna start monologuin’ again, or are we gonna fight?"

"Your insolence is amusing, but I think I shall still rip out your tongue." 

Standing around talking wasn't going to win the fight, and the closer they got to New York the harder it would be to save his girls and little Brian. So Steve didn't bother to reply to Red Skull's threat; he just reached for his utility belt and grabbed hold of one of Howard's newer inventions. The four balls he palmed were only a little larger than the marbles he had played with as a boy. As he ran towards Red Skull it was easy to sling them low to the ground, doing his best to anticipate where his enemy would step next.

The little things were heavy enough that they didn't bounce at all and rolled only a few inches before coming to a stop. He hadn't gotten it quite right, but it was fine. At some point during the battle he was sure to be able to use them. He fixed their location in his mind, then focused his attention back to the fight.

Red Skull's first swing was somewhat wild. Steve ducked under it and struck out at the same time, aiming a powerful punch to Red Skull's solar plexus. The move was a favorite of Howlett's, and he was sure his teacher would be proud of how effective it ended up being. The Hydra leader let out a soft 'oof' and doubled over - Steve didn't hesitate to press his advantage. The jab he made with his shield would have been enough to break Red Skull's nose if he had had one. It _did_ make him stagger back, and Steve followed it up with a spin kick that herded Red Skull a little closer to the trap he had laid earlier.

Clearly Red Skull hadn't forgotten about it yet, however, so he was quick to step away. Rage burning in his eyes he lunged for Steve again. This strike was more calculated, and while Steve deflected it in time he didn't manage to evade the blade that was shot from that metal cap that covered Red Skull's stub. He gave a cry as the knife buried itself in his shoulder, taking a step back at the unexpected bite of pain. To keep Red Skull back, Steve swept his shield horizontally in front of him - the sharp edge of the shield had taken Red Skull's hand last time they met, and surely the man would still be wary of it.

"I have been upgrading, Captain!" Red Skull crowed as he took a step back instead of forward. Steve took some small comfort in the way he was eyeing his shield carefully. "I should thank you for the removal of my hand - Zola was able to to give me quite the arsenal before you killed him."

This time when that cap opened up, it wasn't a knife that was shot outward. Instead, it was a bolt of energy that was Tesseract blue. It was hard to hold back a yelp, and Steve dove to one side to avoid it. He didn't know if it was the kind that would make him disappear, after all, and it was better to be safe than sorry. Steve wound up on his knees, shield held defensively in front of him and torso twisted so he could see what happened when the beam hit. It gouged a hole in the wall but didn't make it vanish - that meant Steve could use his shield to deflect them.

Unless Red Skull was tricky enough to have both kinds, of course. He would just have to hope for the best.

STAR was terrified of Red Skull, Steve knew that. But his best girl was one of the bravest people he knew, because she still took the opportunity to unfold and drop to the floor at Steve's side. Hoping to keep Red Skull distracted, Steve threw himself forward and up to meet his foe, shield still in front of him. They met in a clash of metal and flesh, and it was enough to keep Red Skull occupied.

Thanks to Howlett and his relentless training, this fight was far more evenly matched than the last time he had engaged Red Skull. Steve could meet him blow for blow, and the hits he landed were all aimed at areas that would do the maximum amount of damage. A few minutes in, Red Skull's left arm was hanging uselessly at his side; during a brief moment when Red Skull's back was to him, Steve had gone for the nerves that allowed the arm to function. It left him unable to shoot those blasts of energy, but not before one hit had gouged out a chunk of flesh on Steve's right thigh. The wound hurt like a bitch as it struggled to heal itself, but Steve was more concerned by the way it limited his mobility.

They were both bloody and bruised as they circled each other. From the corner of his eye, he could see STAR at the console for the aircraft, probably doing her best to understand it and keep it flying over uninhabited areas. The balls he had thrown earlier were also in his peripheral, and Steve thought maybe it was time to use them.

"Do you really believe you can win?" Red Skull taunted, making Steve roll his eyes yet again. More of this - the founder of Hydra sure loved to hear himself talk. "Your friend, the one they called Sergeant Valor - he was your superior in every way and yet he fell in the face of Hydra's greatness. You will do no better. Whatever momentary success you win here--"

Red Skull's feet were within the bonds of those four balls, and Steve didn't hesitate to activate them. His foe let out a scream filled with rage and pain as Steve pressed the small button on his belt. Each ball discharged a good amount of electricity; with four of them surrounding Red Skull the voltage as good as paralyzed him. Blue bolts ran up and down Red Skull's frame, slowly bringing him to his knees, legs unable to support his full weight any longer. If his muscles hadn't locked he would have collapsed immediately.

"You can't... win," he gritted out, eyes glowing like coals as he glared at Steve. "Cut off... cut off one head--"

"Yeah yeah, I got it already. Shouldn't-a talked so much - ya might-a won."

It wasn't any harder to kill Red Skull than it had been to shoot Zola, at least not in the moment. Later he might feel guilty, or wish he had chosen another option. But with his enemy contained for the moment - though Steve could see him fighting the electric current and had no doubt he would free himself soon - and a gun strapped to Steve's thigh, it was easy. A quick motion had the firearm in his right hand and it was as good as over.

The force of the shot sent Red Skull into a backbend, mouth gaping in a silent shout; the current kept him locked there in a grim parody of life. Steve shuddered at the sight and pressed the button again, shutting the electricity down. The corpse slid to the floor, but some part of Steve was afraid that it was just a trick, that Red Skull was still alive and would leap at him as soon as his back was turned. So as he walked closer, Steve emptied his chamber into the body, shot after shot burying itself in flesh, blood spattering enough that it turned his stomach. Even then, he couldn't be sure…

So he cut the head from Hydra, sending it rolling to one corner of the craft. Maybe two more would take its place, but in that moment it had to be enough.

In the silence that followed, Steve could hear his own harsh breathing and the pounding of his heart. More distantly, he could hear Matthew and Arnie pleading with them over the radio; STAR wasn't answering them. He made himself walk to the chair before the controls, refusing to give in to the immediate adrenaline crash he felt closing in. Steve did his best to ignore the voices of his brother and his friend; he couldn't let them change his mind.

"Steve... are we sure about this?"

"Yeah."

"It might not work the same. You could die."

"I know. 'M sorry ya gotta come with me."

"I wouldn't want to be anywhere else," she told him quietly before flicking a switch. Immediately the radio cut out, which made Steve breathe a little easier. There was still a load of guilt settling on his shoulders for putting them through this - especially Rose, who had been carrying the burden of his future for years now.

"I hope they'll be alright. Our girls, I mean. I hope they're gonna..." Steve's throat went tight and his eyes burned with tears as he collapsed into the empty seat. "I'm gonna miss Lisa's wedding," he whispered, a thousand more missed moments assailing him all at once. "Arnie'n Susan's too. I was s'posed ta give my girls away."

"Maybe they'll... maybe they'll still be alive when we wake up. Maybe they can tell us all about it. About all the things we'll miss."

"Maybe." Steve dropped his shield and took the controls in hand - he wouldn't make STAR do this for him. The 'bot crawled up his arm and took her place on his shoulder. A moment later, she curled up against his neck, gripping the collar of his uniform tightly. "All I want is for them ta be happy. Don't care if I get ta hear 'bout it or not. They just... they all deserve ta be happy."

"Steve..." STAR paused, then gently patted his neck. "Here. We need to go down here." Steve sucked in a quick breath, tightening his fingers... then did his best to let go.

"Hey STAR? I love ya."

"I love you too Steve," she whispered as he put the craft into a nosedive. "I'll... I'll see you in the future."

"Yeah. I'll-- ah!" A small but sharp pain pricked his neck. It was almost like a bug bite, except for the way he felt something stick, and the way he felt something cold flooding his veins. "S-STAR?"

"Shhh. It's okay Steve. It's just... it'll help you sleep. Tony... Tony didn't wa... shoul..." Her voice faded in and out while the icy landscape they were heading for wavered in his view. His eyelids felt weighted down by lead, but he tried his best to blink through it. "I... be a compa... Steve..."

Steve barely felt the pain of the initial crash; he was already almost asleep. What he did see just before his eyes closed for the final time was a glowing blue cube fly out of one of Red Skull's pockets. All he could do was murmur a protest and try to lurch out of his seat. Fate had other ideas, however, because the ice cracked beneath their weight, sending them into the icy water beneath it. STAR was already a compass clutched in his hand, and Steve was so very tired.

His last thought was a desperate hope that the Tesseract would remain with him in his icy grave.

And then... he slept.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am suuuuuper bad at action scenes. I hope this one wasn't terrible? :'D


	13. Chapter 13

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you're still with me, thanks again for reading!! I super appreciate it and all comments I get even if I don't respond to them.

The first thing he heard was the steady beeping of a heart monitor. As he swam out of the darkness that swamped him, that beeping got faster and faster... but the way it never went completely out of control was strangely reassuring. There were voices too, but Steve couldn't quite understand what they were saying yet. Just like the beeping, their steady cadence provided a small measure of comfort. He thought he might have panicked without those grounding sounds as he struggled to wake.

The smell of antiseptic was heavy in the air, so Steve was pretty sure he was in a hospital. Had he been shot? He didn't remember getting shot, but then his memory as a whole was pretty damned fuzzy just then. He felt groggy and disoriented, like he had slept too long without getting any real rest. Though his body ached he couldn't pinpoint any one area that seemed worse off, so maybe 'shot' wasn't the best guess. And God, why was it so _cold_?

Everything hit him all at once then; the serum, the war, losing Bucky, the ice. The beeping spiked as his heartbeat went wild. As soon as it happened he heard concerned voices calling out, but it didn't matter what they were saying. Not with all the memories flooding his mind, not with the way he felt the cold like a sudden shock to the system. He was freezing, chilled to the bone like he hadn't been since his first night away from Tony. Steve didn't know where he was - he didn't know _when_ he was. Had he slept long enough? Had someone rescued him from the ice too soon? How had the Imps fared with him gone? What about his girls?

Steve was panicking and he knew it, but he couldn't get his thoughts to slow down. He couldn't wrangle his anxiety to a manageable level and the voices around him were beginning to hold notes of panic to match his own. Unwilling to open his eyes - unwilling to make this real - Steve flexed his right hand out of habit. STAR had been there when he went down; she had been a compass, he remembered that much however dimly. Except his hand was _empty_ and suddenly he couldn't _breathe_...

Until he felt a warm, wrinkled hand cup his cheek, thumb stroking tenderly over his skin. "Steven Brian Rogers, if you don't calm down this instant..." The voice - female, familiar even though it creaked with age -and the soft touch that was more familiar still broke him out of his spiraling thoughts. "You're safe Stevie. You're safe and Starling is right here." A different hand pressed STAR against his right palm. Steve was quick to wrap his fingers around her, drawing comfort from her presence. "We didn't want you to dent her with any thrashing around you might do when waking up. She's here and safe, just like you. It's just that my little Starling needs you to wake her up, not modern medicine."

"... Rosie-posie?" His voice was rough from disuse, shaking with disbelief and and a deep, desperate hope that robbed him of air again. It couldn't be her - she would be just over 90 if he'd been found at the right time. To have her with him when he woke... it wasn't anything he'd allowed himself to wish for. Now he wanted it, wanted his sister to be there more than _anything_ , and if the woman stroking his cheek and calling STAR by that name wasn't Rose... if he was _wrong_ it would shatter him.

Steve didn't know he was crying until he felt the woman's thumb carefully wipe one tear away. "I should kick your ass," she whispered, and Steve immediately let out a choked laugh that was closer to a sob. That was his Rosie - had to be. "I should. I should beat you for... for making me worry about you for so damn long."

Rose sounded absolutely destroyed; Steve couldn't imagine how hard things had been for her. She had known - she had been the only one of his Gaggle who had known. Not only had she shouldered that burden for him, but she would have felt responsible for picking up everyone else's pieces when they got the news to boot. His girl had always been strong, but he had put her through so much. In that moment Steve loved her so fiercely he ached from it, and he needed to hug her more than he needed air.

So he finally forced his eyes to open and found himself staring into Rose's face. There was no denying it was her - she wore her age with all the grace and confidence she had possessed in her youth, and her white hair was twisted up into the style she had favored back then. Her blue-green eyes were exactly as he remembered them, and it was enough to drag another sob from his chest.

"Rose..."

They both moved at the same time, both of them slower than they had once been. Steve ended up sitting with Rose perched on his lap and cradled against his chest. She was weeping into the t-shirt someone had put him in while he cried into his hair. She still smelled like vanilla and jasmine and _home_ , and he knew he was probably holding her too tightly but couldn't force himself to loosen his arms.

Steve said her name over and over again, a prayer and a benediction both. He wasn't sure how long they stayed wrapped up in each other, but eventually they both started to calm down. When Rose pulled away it wasn't far, just enough to let her study his face. Her trembling hands framed his face, thumbs again wiping away his tears. The smile that lit her face was the same brave curve of lips she had given whenever she was hurting, and he just... he was so happy to have her there.

"You're still one of the only people who can make me cry in public. It's a good thing I don't bother with eyeliner anymore or I would be furious."

Steve tried to smile back but couldn't quite manage. "It's good ta see ya too, Rosie-posie. Sorry ta make ya worry, and for makin' ya cry. Ya can swat me for it if'n ya want."

"And break my hand on those muscles? I think not. I'll have one of these young people teach you a lesson later."

"Ye ma'am," he agreed dutifully. Steve also ignored the reminder that they weren't alone, too shaky and raw to deal with anyone else. "God, I can't believe you're here. I thought... I didn't think I'd ever get ta see ya again. And lookit ya!"

Rose made a face, one that drew a chuckle from him. "I'm sure it's a shock, calling for Rosie-posie and having an old woman answer you."

"You're beautiful," he said honestly. "And a sight for sore eyes ta boot. Ain't never seen someone so pretty."

A hand clapped down on his shoulder, and Steve looked up into another familiar - if older - face. "I tell her that every day. Perhaps she'll believe you." The scar running down the left side of Matthew's face pulled taut as he smiled. Steve reached up with trembling fingers to brush over the marred skin. He should know how it had happened; he should have been there. A fresh round of tears stung his eyes as Matthew lifted his hand to curl it around Steve's fingers. "Hello Captain. I can't tell you how good it is to see you again."

With a choked laugh Steve tugged Matthew down to join their hug. They were both _warm_ and _alive_ , and Steve took an incredible amount of comfort in that. He had expected to wake up alone and adrift. Steve hadn't allowed himself to hope he would open his eyes and be with family.

Well, not any part of his family but STAR.

Steve gently pulled away from both of them; they sat side by side on the edge of his bed. He turned the whole of his attention to the compass clutched in his right hand. STAR had only needed to be woken like this once before, but finding the secret catch was easy as anything. The ghost of Tony's hands were over his, the memory of Tony's voice whispering in his ear.

_Just flick that little switch, then tell her hello._

"Hello sweetheart," Steve murmured. "Time ta wake up."

Steve heard a gasp in the background when she started to unfold, but he was focused on his best girl. It took her a little longer than it used to, but maybe that was to be expected. They'd been frozen for a long time, after all; he would probably keel over himself if he tried to stand. He and STAR just needed to get warmed up and settled. Then they'd be back to fighting fit. Once the transformation was complete, his best girl was standing in the center if his palm. Unlike him, she was already scanning the whole room. When her eyes finally turned toward him, gazes catching, Steve let a wobbly smile curve his lips.

"Hey there Starlight. Missed ya, even if I wasn't awake ta do it. How ya feelin'?"

"Worry about you," STAR advised crisply, ignoring the sentimentality of the moment and beginning the hike up his arm to perch on his shoulder. "Even with the serum there could be adverse effects from the cold. Your external temperature isn't what I'd like - whoever put you in a short sleeved shirt is obviously a moron and I'll get them for it later. Don't just stand there gawking, get the man another blanket!"

Steve refused to look over at the flurry of motion he could hear happening on the other side of the room. He still wasn't ready to deal with the rest of the world yet. Didn't stop him from laughing at STAR's attitude though, because he did love when any of his girls got feisty. "Easy, guidin' light. I'm fine so don't go yellin'."

"They're all just standing there staring instead of doing their _jobs_ ," her level of sass had only increased with the years spent in the ice apparently. From the corner of his eye Steve saw her pop one hip, hand resting there as she glared at whoever else was in the room with them. "Unless you've been up for days - which I doubt - they should be over here assessing your condition."

Rose's chuckle interrupted what surely would have been an epic rant, and Steve's heart warmed when STAR immediately threw herself at the woman. Maybe it had been decades for them, but Rose still caught her with ease. She brought the little 'bot to her chest in a version of a hug, head ducking so she could press her lips to STAR's head. They had been close, and they deserved the same moment that Steve had been given for his own reunion with Rose. 

With that in mind he finally turned his head to take in the other people in the room. There was one woman who was probably a nurse or doctor who was slowly edging closer to the bed. The second person Steve saw brought his heart to brief stop in his chest. 

This Tony was taller and wore his hair cut a little closer to the scalp. His eyes were different too, a brilliant blue instead of a warm brown. Shockingly he did have the same ridiculous beard that Steve's Tony had worn. There were enough differences to be jarring, but there were also enough similarities between the two that he _ached_. The man was staring at him, eyes a little tight and his mouth turned down into a frown. All Steve wanted to do was run to him and wrap him up in a tight hug before demanding Tony tell him everything - how he was, if he was Iron Man yet, how Howard had treated him, if Jarvis or any of Steve's Gaggle of Girls had been in his life to make a difference. He just managed to swallow the urge down, but couldn't help but reach out.

"Tony..."

Tony met his eyes for one long moment, an emotion that Steve couldn't place twisting his expression. He didn't expect a hug or anything like it. He didn't expect Tony to act like the one he had known. He just hoped for something, anything, some point of connection that would help as much as it would hurt.

Steve really didn't expect Tony to abruptly turn around and head for the door, moving fast enough that it was almost a run. Tony just _left_ without speaking, without giving Steve so much as a smile. And even if he hadn't expected much from the stranger who wore the face of his lover, Steve's heart still shattered.

~.~.~

The future was as swell a place as it had been in that other world. There were cars and televisions and phones that were closer to computers. Games for phones weren't as advanced, which was disappointing. Steve would have liked to build another fake castle. The best he had now was matching games that got too hard too quick. It was one of the more disappointing parts of this future.

Rose and Matthew seemed happy to be his tour guide for this new time. In fact, they seemed downright delighted to have a chance to vent about and explain all the things that they found vexing themselves. They were patient and slow, introducing things in a straightforward and orderly fashion.

Steve longed for Tony's fast-paced, long winded explanations.

Even being able to _meet_ this world's Tony Stark properly would feel like a miracle. They had only been in the same room as each other twice, and both times Tony had fled as soon as he could manage it. He had hardly even looked Steve's way, and when he did it was with an expression that Steve couldn't read. Maybe he hadn't expected much from this Tony, but he had thought they would have some kind of relationship. He had wanted to be _friends_. Steve had hoped that he would be able to get to know this new Tony, that they would spend time together. Instead he found himself spending a large chunk of his time with Rose and Matthew's granddaughter.

Margaret "Peggy" Carter was as fierce and funny as any of Steve's girls had been back in the day. She was in possession of a mean right hook and a glare that made him feel about two inches tall that she used whenever she thought he was being an idiot. The brilliantly red slash of her mouth was somehow perfect when paired with her SHIELD uniform; the lipstick struck him as a sort of armor, a refusal to be painted with the same brush as anyone else. She probably could have taught Buck a thing or two about shooting and cussing, which was a thought that amused him as much as it made him ache for his lost friend. Peggy was the one who briskly filled him in about the ‘ghost’ that was the Winter Soldier, and the unsuccessful attempts to find and detain him.

It seemed like Peggy was always around, ready with sass and vinegar enough to make him laugh even when he felt like crying. He saw so much of Rose in her, and it was a balm to his soul to have a friend like her around. If Steve Grant's Peggy had been anything like her, Steve Brian didn't blame him one bit for being smitten with her. Part of him had always wondered why it had been Matthew in the 40's instead. Now he liked to think that Fate had saved her for this, that she had been shifted into the future to help him not feel quite so alone.

Rose and Matthew were the only ones still left of his family - the only ones that were around, at least. There were reports of a 'Wolverine' that sounded an awful lot like James Howlett, but nothing conclusive. Nick Fury was still alive and running SHIELD but Steve had never been that close to him so it didn't really count. Susan and Arnie had been gone for decades, Lisa for a little less than that, and he had missed being able to see Melinda by two years. There were children and grandchildren - he found out Peggy was _also_ Susan's granddaughter, with little Brian marrying Rose's daughter - but they were scattered across the country. There were plans in the works for one large reunion of sorts, but it wouldn't be the same.

They had all left him letters though. Reading them made him cry and smile and _ache_. He never got through more than two in one sitting, though he had STAR scan and store of all of them as quick as she could. Melinda's books were easier to get lost in, and he always recognized himself in one of the characters.

All in all, being back in the future wasn't too bad. He just wished Tony would talk to him.

~.~.~

"This is a terrible idea, Pegs."

"Nonsense. Tony is being an absolute ass and I won't stand for it for one moment longer. He's been going on and on about being able to meet you for years. We were both raised on stories of you, and I've seen pictures of him dressed up as Captain America for six Halloweens in a row. Whatever stick has lodged itself up his ass needs to be dealt with."

Steve's cheeks went hot with embarrassment; he still wasn't used to the way his 'Cap' persona had become something of a legend. Kids dressing up as him was something he could barely wrap his head around, and he'd never get over the amount of media that featured him. There were comics, for God's sake!

"Mebbe that's all true, but that's from when he was little. Don't wanna force him ta meet me if he don't wanna no more."

"He wants to, I assure you." Peggy's voice was crisp as she entered a string of numbers and letters into the pad next to the door of Tony's SHIELD workshop. "There's just something that's gotten all twisted up in his head. His brain is a marvel, but that makes it all too easy for him to get lost there." A small section of the wall opened with a 'whoosh' that made him jump. Peggy slapped her hand against the pad that extended from it, lips pursed in a show of impatience. "Sometimes he needs someone to help him find his way back out, that's all."

"If ya say so. I just think ambushin' him like this--"

Peggy ignored him completely, not even glancing his way when the door to the workshop opened. She just flipped her hair off her shoulder and walked in, heels sounding strong and sure as they hit the ground. Steve gulped and looked down at STAR who was gazing after her - there were practically cartoon hearts in her eyes any time Peggy was around.

"She's gonna eat me if I don't go in, ain't she?"

"I don't think she'd _eat_ you, Steve. She might shoot you though."

"Ya don't gotta sound so pleased about that."

"Stop stalling and go inside. The worst he can do is send you packing, right? I want to talk to him too, Steve," she said, voice lowering to a near-whisper. It was dirty pool, playing his emotions like that. "So let's just try this, please? Peggy knows this Tony better than we do, so let's follow her lead."

"... yeah. Alright. Hey, I bet even if he don't wanna talk ta me he'd be happy ta get ta know you. Prolly he'd be fascinated."

STAR seemed to perk up a little at that, though she also snuggled a little closer to his neck. She would take the chance if offered, but she'd also probably feel bad that Steve might not get to do the same. He pushed the thought away, took a deep breath, then followed Peggy into the breach. Steve had only been in Tony's workshop once, when it was still dark and in disarray. After they had fetched the boys, Tony had told Steve that the place was still a wreck. Tony hadn't wanted him to see it until it was back to its former glory and Steve had been more than willing to respect that.

If the room he was walking into was anything like Tony's workshop had been, Steve completely understood. The place practically hummed with life, and everywhere he looked Steve could see some marvel of engineering that just begged for a closer inspection. The Tony from this world was standing at the hub of everything, surrounded by holographic screens that glowed a soft blue. That same blue was shining even stronger through the tank top he wore. Steve hated the thought that any Tony had been hurt enough to need an arc reactor (or something like it) just to stay alive.

At least its presence, along with the suits he had seen lined up against one wall, meant that this Tony was Iron Man. Steve had a feeling that any Tony that had ever existed in any world would love being a superhero. Maybe every Tony even _needed_ to be one, and he was sure that every Cap needed Iron Man just as much.

Tony didn't currently look very at home, however, or much like a superhero at all. He had taken up a defensive stance in the face of Peggy Carter, arms crossed over his chest and a scowl fixed firmly on his face. He was clearly a man under siege, and Steve couldn't decide if he should try to rescue the man or run away so no rescue would be required.

"I have no idea why you're avoiding him, Anthony Edwin Stark, but I am extremely disappointed in you. I want to know what's going on in that head of yours so I can help you fix it. And say hello to the poor man, for goodness sake."

"You're about a decade too young to be lecturing me, Miss Margaret. I'm older and smarter and wiser than you, and anyway you aren't even really my cousin, so I have no idea why you think you can be in my business like this--"

"Now you listen here. I don't have to be related to you in order to care, you absolute moron. And perhaps you are smarter than I am, but you're still being an idiot."

Steve winced in sympathy, then stepped further into the workshop. That was when Tony noticed him, jaw immediately clenching as his scowl became even more pronounced. He then turned his head away, like Steve wasn't even worth looking at. Steve had been used to hurting since he was a kid, but the gesture sent a sharp lance through his heart that made him flinch back.

Peggy promptly kicked Tony in the shin.

"Ow! What the fuck Carter?"

"You are many things, Tony, but a coward isn't one of them. Stop avoiding Steve and--"

"Pepper Potts is the only boss of me, so you can take all your demands and--"

"I can just go," Steve interrupted, taking a step back. Watching the two of them fight felt wrong, the same way he had hated whenever Lisa and Rose started pecking at each other. Family argued, but it was always uncomfortable to witness. "I shouldn't-a... I'm sorry Tony. I shoulda stuck ta 'no' when she suggested this. I'll stop tryin' ta... I'll stop."

"I'm not him," Tony said suddenly, turning his head and pinning Steve with intense blue eyes. It took Steve a second to figure out what he meant, and by the time he did Tony had already started talking again. "Since I was a little kid I've heard about you and your bullshit star-crossed romance. 'He loved his _Tony_ more than anything', 'he did it all for _Tony_ ', 'he never got over _Tony_ ’. I don't know what the fuck you want from me, but I'm not..." Tony stopped himself, closing his eyes and taking a deep breath. Peggy stepped forward and settled a hand on his shoulder; Steve longed to do the same.

He kept his distance though, mind reeling as he tried to process Tony's words. Of all the reasons this Tony would be avoiding him, this one hadn't even crossed his mind. There was no way anyone could ever take the place of his Tony, and he had never expected this Tony to even try.

"I could never be what Howard wanted," came a voice that was whisper-soft and full of defeat. "I don't want... almost everyone I know loves you. If I disappoint you too..."

Before he could stop himself, Steve crossed to Tony in quick strides. He didn't give Tony any time to object before he wrapped his arms around Tony in a tight hug. This Tony was taller - Steve barely came up to his chest. The man didn't immediately hug him back either, but Steve understood.

"I know you're not him," he said just as quietly, no less fierce because of it. "I've never thought ya would be, and I would never expect ya ta try'n be. Ya know what I expect from ya?" Steve pulled back enough to look into Tony's eyes, noting that the other man looked so vulnerable it broke his heart a little. Even though he was probably approaching 40, Tony also looked so young in that moment, like a little kid desperate to have someone tell him that he was good, that he had worth. "I knew ya would be brilliant, smarter'n anyone else in the room. Smarter'n Howard for sure."

A ghost of a smile curved Tony's lips, one that got bigger when STAR threw herself off of Steve's shoulder and climbed up to perch on Tony's instead. Bolstered, Steve smiled back and loosened his hold, no longer afraid Tony would pull away.

"Also expected ya ta be a hero - Iron Man _is_ a hero even if ya don't feel like one, so get that look off-a your face. I was hopin' ya wouldn't have ta suffer so much ta get there, but I guess maybe that was askin' too much." Steve almost let himself touch whatever the source of that blue light was in Tony's chest but stopped short - he wasn't sure how well the gesture would be received. "Knew ya would be inventin' the future, 'cause ya can see it better'n anybody. I hoped maybe we could be friends. But if ya don't wanna--"

"Maybe you don't think you want me to be him, but you'll always be comparing us," Tony challenged. "You'll always be thinking about 'your' Tony and wishing I could be more like him."

"Will not. You're too damn tall ta be him ta start with." That drew a snort of amusement out of both Tony and Peggy; better still, Tony gave him an awkward pat on the back before pulling away.

"So is he a shrimp like you then?"

"Nah. Closer ta Peggy's height. 'S good for snugglin'. But ya see here, Tony - I don't want nobody but him, and there ain't another Tony anywhere that could replace him. I don't know ya, but I wanna change that. I wanna learn about ya, and I don't only wanna do it 'cause-a him. So could I maybe see ya sometimes?"

"... I guess. You're welcome here any time," he added to STAR, a bit of wonder entering his expression when he looked over at her. "All my favorite stories were about you. Is it true you could dismantle Hydra's self-destruct systems and jam their communications?"

"With my eyes closed," she said as she straightened a little on her perch. "Or off, I guess. Human sayings don't always translate well. I never could say 'in my sleep' without all the Imps giving me the side-eye."

"They clearly didn't appreciate you as much as they should have. Do you mind if I take a look at your operating systems? Feel free to say no - I know all my 'bots and AI's are free to choose. You'd better be able to do the same, and if you can't I'll change that. You're a real person even if you aren't a human one, and you deserve free will and all the junk that comes with it. I can't tell you how many times I've had to defend my kids from idiots who didn't understand."

Even without her answer, Tony was turning away from Steve and toward all of his screens. He was probably getting ready to scan her or something, and she began to laugh towards the end of his mini rant. "Our Tony felt the same way, don't worry about that. And sure, you can take a look. I think there are some notes in my coding you can use to upgrade me. Tony didn't want me to be too advanced. Half the features he wanted to give me would have been useless back then anyway."

"Makes sense. Better to save your processing power for the stuff you could use. You're already amazing, but with my genius and whatever notes you've got, we're gonna make you _shine_ , Starlight."

Peggy was apparently satisfied with how everything had turned out; she gave him a warm smile before turning on her heel to leave the workshop. Steve should probably do the same - STAR would be able to find him on her own. Instead he hesitated, then cleared his throat to get Tony's attention.

"Hey, do ya mind if I park it for a bit? I'll stay outta your way, promise."

"Yeah sure, that's fine, whatever." Tony was already completely distracted by STAR, and Steve didn't mind taking advantage of that. He found a small couch tucked in one corner along with a mini fridge, a microwave and a coffee maker. He could occupy himself on his phone for a while, then maybe make Tony something to eat. It would be a start at the very least. If he got Tony comfortable with his presence, maybe they could take the next step and become friends.

If that never happened, if they never got past being casual acquaintances and teammates, Steve would make sure Tony still got treated right. He could make sure that Tony really was part of the team, that everyone gave him the respect he deserved. Steve could do that much at the very least.

While he waited to meet Loki, while he waited for the chance to go home, Steve would make sure this Tony got treated the way his Tony hadn’t been.

~.~.~

"Cap, we've got incoming on the left. Looks like more of the same - doom bots. You'd think he could be at least a little more creative."

"But then he wouldn't be the megalomaniac we know and love."

"I'm just saying! Maybe if he spiced it up a little Reed would actually notice him."

"Watch the chatter Wasp, Shellhead."

Despite the reprimand, Steve was smiling as he vaulted over a smoking car and ran headlong towards the doom bots arriving on the scene. The two of them ignored him completely - they usually did. The both of them were chatterboxes and thick as thieves both on and off the field. Getting them to be quiet was a miracle that was beyond Steve's ability to produce. At least it didn't impair their ability to fight; the whine of Tony's repulsers were a soothing sound to his ears, while Jan was capable of taking doom bots down without ever being seen.

They were a good team and worked together seamlessly. They also teased him mercilessly, but Steve could live with that if it meant Tony felt like a solid part of the Defenders. The team Steve had put together with Tony and Fury's help was , overall, like a well-oiled machine. Even the rotating members slid in and out with ease, and the core members were closer to family than anything else. It was like being back with the Imps again, especially when Peggy was at his back, shooting over his shoulder the same way Arnie once had.

"Shield up!"

Steve reacted instantly to the Black Widow's command, as did Peggy. The both of them crouched, Steve holding his shield almost parallel to the ground. Natalia dropped down from out of nowhere (he'd stopped trying to figure out how she did that months ago) and landed on his shield. With her own power and a boost from Steve, she went flying up into the air, twisting as she went. She unleashed her Widow's Bite on the doom bots beneath her while Steve let his shield sing through the air. A large portion of the doom bots fell, no match for the electrostatic charge. His shield could do a lot more than withstand the attack - it picked up that charge, mini bolts of lightning crackling from it. Steve had angled it so that after passing through the charge it curved around, taking care of most of the enemy that Natalia had missed.

Peggy took care of the rest. She hurled a bomb at the same moment that the Black Widow and Steve had acted - they worked together often enough that she could predict which cluster would be unaffected by the combined attacks. The newest wave of enemies were taken care of, and Steve took a moment to regroup, pressing his fingers to the communicator in his ear.

"We're clear. Gonna need a status report from the rest-a ya."

"Me and Jan have this section under control. We're killing it Cap, so no need to mother hen us."

"Stop usin' real names over the comms, will ya? 'N I'll mother hen if I wanna. Any sign of the Fantastic Four yet? I'm thinkin' they can mop up after us. Doom is supposed ta be their problem."

"They're on their way - Sue said there was an experiment Reed needed to finish before he could join us." Jan at least sounded as exasperated as he felt. Most of the rest of the Defenders groaned right along with him - everyone except Tony, actually.

"Hey! Science is a very valid reason to be late to a fight. Especially one against Doom, who has really stopped trying to put the spark back into his relationship with Reed. He could at least bring some roses or something, maybe a nice bottle of champagne. Bet an invitation to dinner would go over better than an attempt to invade New York. Reed and his gang of misfits are coming up behind us - can I go back to my own science-ing now? I can't let STAR figure out a new polymer to use on your armor before I do. We've got a bet going, and if I lose you all are going to be very upset by the consequences."

"Chatter, Shellhead. But yeah - get outta here. We'll take care-a the rest with Reed'n his team. And forget the armor - have dinner waitin' for us instead."

"I'm not your _wife_ , Cap. Also, maybe you should work on getting rid of your 40's mentality, because that would be really fucking sexist if I was a woman."

"Mebbe, but ya ain't a woman - you're a man. Means I'm bein' all progressive."

While the rest of the team called him a 'little shit' or ' a goddamned troll', Steve let their chatter wash over him. Eye on the sky, he watched Iron Man fly toward the mansion. Things weren't perfect - he still missed his Tony like a lost limb, still felt out of place in the future, still worried about where Bucky might be and how they could get him back - but things were _good_. He had a team that was every bit as insubordinate as the Imps had been; he had Peggy, Jan, and Natalia as his new Gaggle of Girls, and he still had Rose to keep him on his toes from the original Gaggle. STAR was still there to guide him, and he had Tony as his best friend.

Loki sending him home might be a curse as much as it was a blessing... but Steve would still trade everything he had to be back with his Tony.

~.~.~

"We've got incoming!"

"No shit Stark. We can all see the portal."

"Not the portal, Legolas. Apparently SHIELD thinks things aren't going well--"

"Get to the point!"

"There’s a nuke closing in - we've got less than a minute."

Steve's mouth went dry as his heart skipped a beat. He had hoped... he had tried so hard to keep Tony from needing to go into space. The experience had left his own Tony traumatized and afraid; he had confided to Steve late one night that he used to love stargazing, and that after entering the portal even a glance at the night sky led to panic and terror. No one deserved that, especially not Tony. "Don't even think about it Shellhead. Don't ya fuckin'--"

"It's this or let Manhattan become the next Hiroshima. I'm not going to let you all die that way. There's still civilians in the area too - it's gotta be done."

"But it could be a one way trip," Steve whispered, staring up at where Iron Man was zooming ahead, flying as fast as he could to the missile that Steve could just make out, the one growing bigger by the second as it brought its deadly payload closer.

"I've been living on borrowed time since the shrapnel Cap." Tony grunted as he caught hold of the missile, and Steve could see and hear the effort he was exerting to get it under his control. "Least I'm going out a hero."

"... Widow, you're going to have to make the call." Because Steve wouldn't, _couldn't_ , be the one to order the portal closed. He was compromised and he knew it. If it was left up to him there was too great a chance that he would let the world burn to save Tony Stark - any Tony Stark.

How was he supposed to be Captain America without Iron Man at his side to support and challenge him?

"Shit. Shit shit shit. Sorry I stole all your coffee the other day Tin Man."

"I knew that was you! You're going down if... when I come back, Hawk-ass. Next time I make a trick arrow it's gonna explode right in your dumb face."

"I'd deserve it. Doesn't mean I won't start a prank war over it." Clint was subdued, probably falling back on the banter only because he didn't know any other way to say 'goodbye'. "So don't you dare get swallowed up by that space hole, Tony. Not permanently at least."

"I'll do my best." Iron Man changed course so he was headed directly toward the portal that was still spewing Chitauri. Steve couldn't watch - he couldn't. Not when tears were already pricking his eyes and his heart was in his throat. He threw himself back into the fight instead. If he was killing aliens he could pretend that everything was going to be alright for just a moment longer. They could win this, the Defenders could come out on top without sacrificing the Earth's strongest defender - if he just kept mowing down the Chitauri, he didn't have to believe that he might lose the man who had become one of his best friends.

He didn't watch Tony disappear, didn't keep an eye on Natalia. Steve was compromised, and he didn't trust himself not to lunge at his teammate to keep her from closing the portal if Tony didn't make it out in time. It wasn't until all the Chitauri let out a bone-chilling screech that he knew the nuke must have gone off. Heart hammering in his ears, breath coming as hard and labored as when he'd had asthma, Steve finally looked up to the sky... and watched Tony fall.

"Thor! Catch him!"

Before the words were all the way out of his mouth, Thor was in the air. Tony would appreciate getting saved that way - he was always going on about the physics Mjolnir broke, and the flying in particular drove him crazy. So he would be alright and when he woke up he would start squawking at Thor for using 'magic' to rescue him.

Mary, Mother of God he hoped Tony would be alright.

Steve took a blade to the gut before he tore his attention away from Thor and Iron Man. He had a fight to finish, he couldn't forget that. What was left of the Chitauri were even more vicious than before. They were cornered wild animals who had nothing to lose, and they all needed to be focused on taking the things down. Steve needed to trust Thor to take care of Tony, and he needed to keep his head in the game.

It took another hour before the streets were clear and Steve could gratefully hand the reins over to the city's brave first responders. He would be back - all the Defenders would - to help clean up the mess... but first he needed some rest, and he needed to check on Tony. Steve also hoped that Loki remained in the mansion; they needed to have words. The god who had set Steve's destiny in motion had been acting strange. He had looked feverish and insane, and Thor had wondered aloud why his brother's eyes were suddenly blue. Even beyond trying to get sent back to his Tony, Steve had questions that needed to be answered.

Peggy and Jan hustled him off to his own room in medical despite his protests. Tony was as fine as he could be, they both insisted, and Steve needed to get himself stitched up before he did anything else. They _still_ wouldn't let him see Tony after he'd gotten all patched up. Sulking and refusing to acknowledge it, Steve went to talk to Loki instead.

The Trickster was still tied up, locked away in the Hulk's containment room - boy was Bruce going to be glad he'd missed this nightmare. Loki was different than both times Steve had seen him before. There were dark circles under his eyes and a tightness around them and his mouth. When Steve looked close the man was trembling minutely, and he was slumped over instead of sitting straight and proud. Something had happened, and as much as he wanted to blame the Tesseract - and fuck, he couldn't wait for Thor to take it to Asgard - Steve thought something else was at play. Something worse maybe. Maybe even the thing that had prompted Loki to send him to that other world in the first place.

Steve knocked on the glass (it wasn't glass, but it looked like it so Steve called it that no matter how many times Tony yelled at him) to get Loki's attention. He found himself looking into emerald green eyes that were dull, lacking the fire that had lit them the first time they met. Loki blinked and frowned, scanning Steve's whole form before searching his face.

"I... I know you. I've never seen you before, but I..." Loki whispered, and Steve's stomach was suddenly filled with lead. Getting home to Tony might prove to be a lot harder than he had thought. If Loki didn't even remember him there was probably no chance of him being able to recreate whatever spell he'd used. It had been 'wonky' and hard to cast to begin with. It was probably beyond Loki as he was now, and part of Steve began to howl a desperate denial. God, he just wanted to go home.

~.~.~

Steve's favorite part of the mansion was the courtyard. Having one at all was pretentious, but he figured most rich people couldn't help being that way. It was a good place to get a breath of fresh air whenever he felt the walls closing in on him. The gardeners kept the place inviting - they used the sprawling, organized chaos that was usually found in English gardens. Jarvis had done the initial planning, and he felt close to his deceased teammate whenever he sat there to sketch. He knew Tony ventured there to remember the man as well; sometimes they were there at the same time, and Tony would tell stories about the man who had been more of a father than Howard ever could have been.

Ever since the attempted invasion of the Chitauri, however, Tony was never in the courtyard at night. He had tried only once; the instant he caught sight of the night sky he spiraled into a panic attack. It was a slap to the face when Steve wasn't enough to talk him down. Clint and Peggy had been the ones to intervene and get Tony’s breath regulated. Afterward every Defender in the mansion at the time had slept in the living room in one huge puppy-pile with Tony at its center.

Tony wasn't okay, not really, but they were all trying to help him get there.

Until then, Steve had the courtyard mostly to himself at night. He could sit on one of the benches that was bathed in a soft light and sketch the shadowy scene before him. It was a good time to process, to unwind... so when he heard someone approach and clear their throat, he couldn't help but be sort of annoyed.

"Yeah?"

"Forgive me for interrupting you, Steven." All his irritation drained away when he heard Thor's voice. The god sounded truly regretful, and while Thor loved his revels he also wouldn't have intruded on Steve's moment of quiet contemplation if it wasn't important. "You asked that I bring you news of Loki's recovery. I am humbled and moved by your interest in my brother's affairs - the rest of the Defenders are unkind when I try to speak of him."

Thor's words made him duck his head and fidget. It wasn't like he was being completely selfless by asking after Loki. He had an agenda, but he was pretty sure Thor knew that. Steve comforted himself with the hope that even if he didn't have a stake in Loki's recovery he would still let Thor talk about his brother. "How's he doin'? Any better?"

A weary sigh passed Thor's lips as he settled at Steve's side. Legs sprawled and Mjolnir set between his feet, he would have painted an impressive picture if he wasn't also hunched in on himself. "His torment at the hands of his captors has wounded him deeply. Time passes differently in the void - we have no way of knowing how long they tortured him. Loki's mind is strong, but they still broke him open and forced him to do their bidding. I fear he will never truly be himself again."

"Probably not," Steve murmured, thinking of Tony and Afghanistan, Tony and his fear of space. He thought of himself and the ice, and he thought of how Bucky might be faring after his own fall. "All ya can do is be there for him. Is he lettin' ya talk ta him?"

"No. He still speaks only to our mother and the Healer assigned to him. At least I am now permitted to sit in the room with him as long as I am silent." Thor perked up like a puppy, and Steve couldn't help but smile. "He even allowed me to hold his hand when last I visited, though he glared the entire time. I prefer that to the vacant stare he wore previously, however. Father believes he will be ready to begin serving his sentence on Midgard soon."

"I think mebbe your da is pushin' things a bit. I'd rather Loki get the time he needs ta find his feet again. Tell Odin the Defenders can wait until he's had more time ta heal." The Defenders could wait forever; Steve was less patient, but he wouldn't let himself push.

"Aye, I have told him the same. But he is the Allfather, blessed with wisdom that even I cannot fully understand. A mortal, even one such as you, could not hope to grasp even a fraction of his knowledge."

It was sort of insulting even if Steve knew Thor didn't mean it that way. He also didn't place nearly as much faith in Odin, not after the part he had played in Thor's stories of Loki and their shared childhood. If he never had to meet Odin he wouldn't feel the loss - he would much rather be introduced to Frigga. Sometimes he thought that Loki would heal far faster if he was sent to Earth _now_ , so long as his mother and healer could visit regularly. Being away from Asgard could only help, in his opinion.

Tony probably wouldn't mind having a couple more guests. It would give him an excuse to go way overboard in setting up rooms for them.

"If your da is so keen on him startin' up soon, well… why not send him now? Not ta fight with us, not yet, but just… a chang-a scene might be good for him. None of us knew him, ya know? So we won’t be disappointed if he don’t act a certain way which could help. And mebbe your ma and Loki's healer could stay with us for a bit too ta get him settled and make sure he’s ready."

"That is a splendid idea!" Thor's voice boomed in the nearly empty courtyard, a sign of his sudden good cheer. "I shall speak to father of it on the morrow. Tonight I am to spend time with my Lady Jane, but I shall request Heimdall bring me home when dawn breaks. You have much wisdom for a mortal, Steven. I am glad to call you friend."

The clap Thor gave his shoulder nearly sent him to the ground, but Steve had been ready for it. He was always braced for that kind of forceful physical affection whenever he was with Thor; it was better to be safe than sorry. Without any further prompting, Thor launched into a tale of one of Loki's exploits on Midgard that had happened centuries ago. He waxed poetic of battles and tricks, misunderstandings and resolutions.

Steve couldn't help but notice that Loki was the butt of almost every joke, and that Thor seemed to hold a kind of benign contempt for his brother's magic. He heard the way Thor glossed over the fact that Loki was something of an outcast. Honestly he wasn't all that surprised that Loki refused to talk to his brother. Maybe Thor remembered the good old days with rose colored glasses, but Loki had probably experienced things very differently.

Still, Steve listened and let Thor ramble on until he had to leave to meet Jane. Thor was a good man, if a bit spoiled and arrogant. He was part of the team, and Steve was happy to help him in any way he could. When the god at last departed Steve watched him go with a frown. He could only hope that Thor would in fact relay his suggestion to Odin, and that Loki would soon be on Earth. Maybe the Defenders could aid in his recovery the same way they were helping Tony.

The thought of a puppy-pile forming around Loki was enough to make him snort in laughter. The Trickster god probably wouldn't appreciate it much, and Jan and Tony in particular wouldn't let that stop them. They had been remarkably sympathetic once they found out Loki had been tortured and forced to obey Thanos' commands. Maybe they had no patience for Thor's stories, but once they were faced with Loki Steve was sure that they would smother him with their good intentions.

It was something to look forward to. Even if Loki still couldn't sent him home, Steve wanted him there in the mansion. He would add another brand of crazy to their little group. It would keep things interesting, at the very least. Interesting was good - interesting distracted him from the constant ache of his loss. And if Loki continued to improve and was someday able to send him back to his Tony? Well. Steve wouldn't protest one little bit.


	14. Chapter 14

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This was probably the hardest chapter for me to write, emotionally speaking.
> 
> Tear-jerker warning maybe for those who, like me, are kinda emotional.

The dreams of Tony had stopped after the ice, something that Steve was more grateful for than he could have said. He should have known that it wouldn't last - nothing good in his life ever seemed to.

"I know that road. What is this?"

Tony looked _terrible_. Steve wasn't sure if he had won whatever fight he had been in, and he wished he had been there to look after his lover. He wouldn't be able to touch Tony, not in a way he could feel, but Steve still headed right for him. He only had eyes for his fella, which was why it took him so long to realize Steve Grant was standing at his side. It was so strange to see features that weren't quite his own, just different enough to set him off balance. Even it was sort of like looking into a funhouse mirror, he could still understand the emotions that ran over the other him’s features. His stance and body language was even more familiar. Steve Grant - Rogers, Tony called him - was watching Tony closely, hand tightening and relaxing on his shield's grip. It was a move Steve knew well; he used it when he was preparing himself for a fight.

Why the fuck he would be gearing up for a fight with Tony, Steve didn't know. It probably had something to do with the way Rogers' face was drawn tight, looking pale with his lips pressed tightly together. That was guilt in his eyes, mingled with determination, and the hairs on the back of Steve's neck stood on end. Something was wrong - something was so very wrong, and anxiety for Tony pounded through him. He darted a look to the screen Tony was watching and blanched at what he was seeing. That was Howard Stark, and the man striding toward him was--

"Sergeant Barnes?"

\-- the Winter Soldier. He killed Howard, then advanced on the woman calling his name. Steve looked away when the Winter Soldier shifted his focus to her. He didn't need to see that. _Tony_ didn't need to see that. Tears pricking his eyes, Steve went to Tony's side and pressed his forehead against Tony's arm. His armor was as cold as flesh would have been, and all he wanted was to give his fella a hug Tony would be able to feel.

"I'm sorry Tony, I'm so sorry. I should be here, I shouldn't-a left. God, ya shouldn't have ta go through this alone, where the fuck is your team?"

The video must have ended, because Tony turned and stepped through Steve like he wasn't even there. He lunged at someone Steve hadn't noticed before. Once he did, a wounded sound punched it's way out of him. Bucky looked harried and haunted, like maybe he wished Rogers hadn't stopped Tony from hitting him. The man Steve had known would never have let his hair be so long or unkempt, and--

"Did you know?" The grief and rage in Tony's voice demanded his attention, so Steve turned away from the brother he had never known. Rogers was still holding Tony back, but Tony wasn't even trying to go for Bucky anymore. Instead he was fixed on Rogers, looking a breath away from breaking into tears. Steve didn't bother trying to stop his, because he knew that look on Rogers' face. He had known and he had kept it from Tony. Rogers had kept it from Tony to protect Bucky, and Steve couldn't imagine a bigger betrayal. Steve didn't know how Rogers could have hurt Tony more.

Not when he remembered how Tony had mentioned Rogers with mingled affection and longing, had called him a friend. Not when Steve had seen just how much he would give his team, how much he would hurt himself if it meant shielding or helping the Avengers. Tony had trusted his team even when they let him down, and every move he made was done with them in mind.

Rogers had returned that trust and devotion by showing a complete disregard for Tony's feelings. Even if Bucky had been at stake, Rogers should have gone to Tony.

"I didn't know it was him." God, that was almost _worse_. If Rogers really hadn't known the Winter Soldier had carried out the hit, he had trampled over Tony's feelings for nothing. There was no excuse, none, and Steve hated Rogers for sharing his face and name. How could Tony ever trust him now? Even if he made it back home, how could Tony look at him and not see Rogers?

"Don't bullshit me, _Rogers_ ," Tony spat, using the name like a weapon. Or maybe he was trying to reassure himself that it hadn't been his Tiny Adorable Steve who had wounded him so deeply. "Did you know?"

"Yes."

Steve wasn't surprised even a little when Tony promptly decked Rogers. He was even less surprised when Tony went for Bucky right after. Tony had watched his parents get murdered, and the man responsible was standing only a few feet away. If it had been in any other setting, if he had found out any other way... Steve didn't doubt that Tony would have imploded instead. He would have locked himself away, inventing and working even he cut himself to pieces mentally. When he emerged from whatever corner he went to in order to lick his wounds, Tony would have gone after Hydra instead of Bucky. But in the moment, with grief and rage and _betrayal_ coursing through his veins, Tony was looking to deal immediate damage. Steve couldn't blame him, but he still lunged between the two - Tony would hate himself later if he succeeded in hurting Bucky.

But the bullets Bucky was firing went right through him, and so did Tony. He couldn't do anything - whatever or whoever was giving them these damned dreams just wanted him to _watch_.

"What's the point?!" he shouted up at the sky, tears streaming down his face. Rogers had entered the fight, and instead of trying to restrain Tony he just started attacking. "Why make me watch this if ya ain't gonna let me _help_?"

There was no answer, and Steve was forced to look on helplessly while Tony tried to process his grief and was met with violence. He had worked with his world's Iron Man, and FRIDAY had shown him videos of what Tony was capable of. If he really wanted Bucky dead, the fight wouldn't have lasted more than a few seconds. Tony was lashing out, hurting Rogers’ Bucky because it would hurt Rogers... and nobody was there to help him find another way. Rogers was acting like this really was a fight to the death, like Tony wasn't pulling every punch.

It didn't escape Steve's notice that not once did Rogers even try to say 'I'm sorry'.

His whole attention was on Bucky, on protecting Bucky, like Tony's grief didn't matter. This wasn't the best coping method, Steve knew that, but... Tony had every right to be furious, to be hurting. No one was there to tell him he was allowed to feel those things, no one to hold him back. Not anyone who was doing it for him, anyway. Rogers clearly didn't give two shits about Tony, and nothing he was doing was to help Tony process the horrifying thing he had just seen.

Even knowing it wouldn't do any good, Steve kept trying to get between Tony and Rogers. If he could just... if he could just hold Tony, let his fella know that he was there, Steve was sure he could talk Tony down. All he wanted was to hold Tony, tell him he was loved and that his feelings mattered... it was no use wishing though.

Once Bucky joined the fight, the two of them ganging up on Tony, Steve gave up. He let his legs turn to jelly and collapsed on the floor, his heart breaking all over again. Tony was alone, hurting, and still refusing to use his armor's more destructive capabilities to end the fight.

"He's my friend."

"So was I."

For just a second, surprise was written all over Rogers' features. Fury burned through Steve's veins like fire, because how hadn't Rogers known that? How could he have overlooked Tony so completely, ignored his attempts to connect so thoroughly?

It should have been enough to stop him; it should have been enough to get Rogers to reach back.

But when Tony lashed out again, the moment was lost. Rogers did nothing to get it back, just kept right on fighting. Bucky inserted himself again, and this time the distraction was enough to let Rogers put Tony on the ground. Rogers was straddling the armor, keeping him down, and for one wild second Steve let himself hope. Rogers could keep him pinned - Tony wasn't exactly putting up much of a fight to get up. Rogers could hold him down until Tony got himself under control, until he had processed his emotions enough to calm down.

Instead Rogers used his shield to destroy Iron Man's mask. "No!" Steve knew it wouldn't change anything, but he still found the strength to push off the ground and rush toward the pair. Rogers lifted his shield high over his head, and Steve was sure that Rogers would bring it down on Tony's unprotected face or neck. Tony thought so too, Steve could read it all over his face. Instead of bucking up or trying to dislodge Rogers, he just lifted his arms in a weak attempt to deflect the incoming blow.

The moment stretched on forever, with Steve running to them as fast as he could. Rogers' expression was hard, immovable, and Steve knew enough about wielding the shield that he knew the angle it was at would kill Tony. Everything was happening in slow motion, even the pounding of his heart in his ears. Just before the tableau broke, just before Rogers slammed the shield down, his expression shifted. Regret and grief and sorrow moved so quickly across his face Steve almost couldn't see them. Just before it was too late, Rogers shifted his hold, changed the angle…

And Captain America's shield broke Iron Man's heart.

Steve went to his knees by Tony's head, framing his face with both hands. His fella still looked terrified, though that was slowly shifting towards grief twisted by rage again. Despite what had happened, Steve expected Rogers to stay. The Iron Man armor was pretty thoroughly destroyed. Tony wouldn't be able to fly home, and he wasn't sure if FRIDAY would still be able to communicate with it either. There was no way he could get himself out of the area and he was wounded to boot.

Rogers had to know all that, even distracted by a now one-armed Bucky. Despite that, despite the fight and the fact that Tony was the one who had taken off Bucky's metal arm, Steve expected Rogers to make sure Tony had a way to safety. Rogers had been in the army, same as Steve - you weren't supposed to leave a man behind. Especially not when it would be so easy to save them.

Rogers still did it though, still walked out with Bucky and without his shield or Tony. He couldn't have made a clearer declaration about where his true loyalties lay, and it wasn't with the Avengers. Tony watched him walk away, struggling to get to his feet; once Rogers was out of view, he collapsed back to the ground. For long moments he stared at the ceiling, face completely blank. He wouldn't be able to feel Steve’s hands, he knew that. His ability to interact with Tony's world was limited, and he had never felt the helplessness of that so keenly.

Steve still couldn't keep himself from trying to stroke Tony's skin, and when his lover’s expression crumbled and he began to cry, the pieces of Steve's heart were ground into dust. He bent down and pressed kisses to Tony's face over and over. All it did was make him feel worse, because Tony wouldn't feel them. Tony wouldn't know he wasn't alone. He had been abandoned, and he would have no idea that anyone cared.

"It's gonna be alright Tony," he whispered against cold skin. "Someone'll come - Rhodey prob'ly. FRIDAY'll let 'em all know you're in trouble. I'm so sorry, I love ya so much'n ya deserve so much better sweetheart. Gonna kick Rogers' ass when I get there. I'm comin' Tony, I promise. I promise I'll find my way back ta ya, whatever it takes. I'll find my way home, I'm comin'."

He kept up a litany of reassurances and 'I love you's for as long as he could. Maybe Tony couldn't feel his hands or lips, but maybe the strength of Steve's feelings could reach him. There was no way of knowing, but Steve hoped. He hoped that his presence could bring some small measure of comfort even if Tony couldn't see him.

No one had come for Tony before Steve was ripped away from the dream. He screamed and struggled and cursed, but it didn't change anything. There was no way to stop it from happening. He had to leave Tony behind - all he could do was pray it wouldn't be for long. "I'm comin'!" he promised one last time as the dreamscape went to pieces around him. "I love ya and I'm comin' back for ya!"

Tony gave no sign of hearing him, no sign of knowing Steve had been there with him. He stayed where he was, abandoned in his broken armor and sobbing his pain and grief where no one could hear.


	15. Chapter 15

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We're almost to the end of the second part of the trilogy, folks! :D

Steve jerked awake in a cold sweat, heart pounding in his ears. His chest heaved as his lungs fought to get enough air, working as hard as they ever had when he used to have asthma attacks. This was ten times worse though, and he was sure he was going to die. His heart couldn't take this kind of stress - he was going to have a heart attack. He _was_ having a heart attack. He was dying just like Tony probably would too. He was dying and Tony was likely going to die and they probably wouldn't even get to see each other again then, and it wasn't fair. His fella, the man he loved, was hurting and alone, probably dying and it wasn't _fair_ \--

He pressed one hand over his racing heart, fist clutching at his shirt, and tried to take a deep breath. It didn't work, and his heart didn't lose any speed either. It was going to beat right out of his chest, he was sure of it, and he was going to die before he got to see Tony.

"J-JARVIS?" Even that small word was a fight to get out, more of a wheeze than anything. He tried to push the covers back, the fingers of his left hand trembling enough that they were barely under his control. "'M dyin'--"

"You are in no danger of dying, Captain," JARVIS sounded so much like the Jarvis he had known, but that wasn't enough to soothe him. Not when he _knew_ JARVIS was wrong. "From the spike in your heart rate and breathing, I believe you are experiencing a panic attack." Super-smart AI or not JARVIS was _wrong_. He was dying, his heart was going to give out and he was never going to get to see his Tony again.

"No! 'S a... it's a heart--" Steve fell out of bed when he tried to stand, his legs refusing to obey him. He ended up in a shivering pile beside his bed, leaning back against the frame. His sheets were still draped around him as he held his heart, and from the way the world was spinning Steve was sure he would lose consciousness soon. "Call... call--"

"Sir and Miss Margaret are on their way, Captain," JARVIS said, unflappable even in the face of Steve's impending demise. "Sir is bringing Miss STAR with him as well. Do your best to breathe normally, Captain - help is on the way. There is a breathing exercise I do with Sir where we count as he breathes . Shall I count for you?"

"I'm _dyin'_... and ya... want... me ta... ta _count_?"

"Very well, Captain. Breathe however you wish to until the others get there. I still promise that you are not in the process of dying."

JARVIS had no idea what he was talking about, but Steve tried to focus on what was important. There were people on the way that would help. They could get him to the medical wing and maybe stop him from dying. He had to get to his Tony's world and kick Rogers' ass before he died - had to. He had to see his fella again so long as he wasn't dying too, and God, how could his heartbeat still be getting _faster_?

Someone threw his door open and knelt in front of him - Tony, it was Tony, with STAR on his shoulder. "Dyin'," he gasped when Tony settled his hands on Steve's shoulder. "Need... medical." STAR slid down Tony's arm to cuddle up to his neck, her weight against him a familiar comfort.

"You aren't dying, Steve," she told him, as wrong about the situation as JARVIS was. "I know it feels that way but you aren't."

"Take a breath for me, Cap." Steve latched onto that voice, the one that was so close to his fella's. "A good one, in and out to the count of four - I'll do it with you and everything. Ready?" Shellhead breathed in, slow and steady and louder than he needed to; at the same time, JARVIS was counting to four. Steve didn't manage to sync up with them, but Tony didn't let that stop him. While he breathed out to another count of four from JARVIS he grabbed Steve's hand and pressed it to his chest. It let Steve feel Tony's heartbeat, steady and sure, and the easy up and down of his chest. Tony inhaled again, and Steve did his best to follow the example.

His own ragged intake barely lasted to the count of two, but it was something. The next was a little better, and STAR began to follow JAVIS' example. With her voice in his ear and Tony's chest moving under his hand, Steve began to believe that maybe he wasn't dying after all. When Peggy settled in at his side he had breathed in and out to the count of four almost three times. With her blood-red nails scratching over his scalp, it was even easier to think that maybe JARVIS had been right. Maybe it had been a panic attack.

Steve didn't know how long it was before he stopped shaking, feeling wrung out and raw. He slumped against Peggy, closed his eyes, and took one last deep breath. "Thanks."

"No prob, Cap. Do you want a puppy-pile?"

His laugh sounded strange to his own ears, but at least it was there. "Nah. I'm prolly gonna go hit the gym, not go back ta sleep. Sorry I woke ya."

"Psh. Please. Me and STAR were in the lab." Sure enough Tony was in an oil-streaked tank top and his work jeans when Steve opened his eyes. His wild hair and too-bright eyes meant he had probably been awake for more hours and way more coffee than he should have been. "Even if I'd been sleeping I wouldn't have minded. You're sure about the puppy-pile? You could also come back down to the 'shop with me if you want. You could help me with some welding and demo work instead of destroying more gym equipment."

"... might take ya up on that. Pegs? You still up?"

"Mmm."

"C'mon Pegs, ya can't go sleepin' on the floor. 'Specially not on account-a me."

"Shut your face, Steven. I'll sleep on the floor for whoever I please."

"Or ya could let me help ya inta bed for a nap. I'm gonna go wreck things with Tony here."

"Nothing bigger than the workshop this time please."

"Yes ma'am. Now c'mon - heave ho."

It was mostly Tony who helped get Peggy up and into his bed, but Steve pretended his limbs weren't as limp as overcooked noodles. He was able to tuck her in at least, brushing a kiss over her forehead. "Thanks for comin' Pegs. I owe ya."

"And _I'm_ going to tell everyone you sleep in Iron Man pj's. That is my superhero face on your boobs, and I am telling everyone."

"Natalia bought them for me."

"Or I could keep my mouth shut about the pj's. Sounds like a better plan that won't end in her murdering me."

Tony's broken, bloody body flashed in Steve's eyes, and he wasn't sure if he was going to cry or throw up. "Nobody's murderin' ya," he rasped instead, determination briefly replacing the weakness in his veins. " _Nobody_. They'd have ta go through my dead body ta try."

"And we'll deal with _that_ little overreaction in the 'shop. Night Miss Margaret."

She bid them all a sleepy goodnight while curling in on herself in Steve's bed. He knew she was exhausted, back only a few hours from a mission Fury had sent her on. That she had come anyway, a staunch and solid presence at his side, meant the world. He pressed a kiss to her forehead and followed Tony out of the room, closing the door behind him.

"Steve? I'm sorry I wasn't with you." STAR sounded small and afraid, which prompted a small sigh on his part. "I'm supposed to look out for you--"

"Easy Starlight. I know ya have fun with Tony and the crew in the workshop. I ain't mad at ya over it or nothin'."

"But if I had been there I could have done something. I could have helped you and maybe the panic attack wouldn't have lasted for so long or maybe it wouldn't have been so bad. And I know J did his best, but I could have... I could have done better. I'm sorry Steve."

"I had a bad dream, Starlight. Ya couldn't-a done anythin'."

"... did something happen to him?"

"Yeah."

"Is he alright?"

"I dunno. But we gotta get back soon as we can. Got asses ta kick."

"I'll have this Tony start upgrading my weapons systems. If Jan can fly around fighting crime while being small," she continued before Steve could worry out loud. "Then I can too. She offered to train with me and everything, so don't be a mother hen."

"I'm allowed ta worry 'bout ya."

"If someone hurt our Tony I'm going to help you kick their asses whether you want me to or not. I bet this Tony could pack a whole arsenal into me if I asked."

"Hell yes I could," Tony agreed, proving he was listening in on them. "You're already pretty fucking badass, but you could stand to deal more damage. If you want me to, Starlight, I could probably get you up to at least Wasp-level weaponry. Better, actually, because Pym's genius pales in comparison to mine. Is that what we're aiming for?"

"Yes!"

Steve knew there was no way to stop them even if he tried, so it was better to let them go ahead with their plans. STAR being able to defend herself and others wasn't a bad thing, and he did miss having her in battle with him. Her voice in his ear didn't compare to her weight on his shoulder or looking down to see her right there with him. If Shellhead was willing to give her what she needed to stay safe in the kind of battles he was fighting now... Steve figured that would be enough for him.

Once they got to Tony's workshop - even more of a marvel than the one at SHIELD - a sledgehammer was shoved into Steve's hands. There were more elegant, efficient ways to destroy whatever Tony was getting rid of, they both knew that. But Tony also knew that sometimes you needed to 'fuck shit up' with your own two hands. Sometimes being efficient was less important than feeling better. So Tony shoved the sledgehammer at Steve and then shoved Steve into one corner of the 'shop. He gave a few short, succinct directions on what Steve was allowed to break, then left him to it.

It was nice, not to have to think. He could just lose himself in the rhythm of swinging the hammer. Once Tony started playing music, that got even easier. The lingering weakness left by his panic attack receded, allowing Steve to continue on until he had worked up a sweat. Tony was giving him time to feel in control of himself again, he realized almost an hour in. He was granting Steve some time and some breathing space to put the way he had woken up behind him.

Tony was probably giving that to Steve because it was what _he_ needed when his brain turned against him.

As he put himself back together, Steve started to swing the hammer less often and with less force. He started thinking again, though he carefully shied away from remembering the last parts of his dream. The first bit though... that was important. Bucky Barnes as the Winter Soldier had killed Howard and Maria Stark in his Tony's world. Rogers had known and kept his mouth shut, and then he had broken Tony's heart.

He didn't know much about Steven Grant Rogers as a person, not really. He knew what Fri had told him, of course, but most of that was about Captain America. Maybe Rogers had a good reason for it, the lying if only by omission. Bucky was clearly important to him - his version had been important to Steve too. But despite that, no matter how close to being a brother Bucky had been by the end, it wasn't any excuse. Lying and hiding didn't serve any kind of purpose; sticking your head in the sand wouldn't make a problem like that go away.

If Rogers had just... just _talked_ to Tony, it would have been different. The Tony Stark he loved would have processed the information. Probably in the most self-destructive way possible, but still. He would have dealt with it, if given the chance. Steve was absolutely sure he would have come to the right conclusion. Tony would have known that even if Bucky had been the instrument used to commit the murder, he wasn't ultimately _responsible_ for it.

After all - Tony Stark was a lot of things, but he wasn't stupid.

Rogers had stolen that chance from him, which wasn't right. Maybe he had done it to protect Bucky, maybe it had been easier, maybe he had been in some way trying to protect Tony, but... Steve just couldn't find a way to see it as being the right choice. You didn't hide shit like that from people, not people that you liked, respected, or even just saved the world with. You didn't and that was that. Rogers had done it anyway, and now Tony would be left to pick up the pieces, probably blaming himself for everything that had happened in that bunker and whatever had led up to the three of them being there together. That was if Tony even made it out ali-- no. He couldn't let himself think like that. He had to believe that Tony was going to make it, that his Tony would be there when he finally figured out how to make it home. He also needed to keep himself from making the same mistake Rogers had.

"... hey Shellhead?"

"Yes my little Capsicle? Feeling better?" Tony had a grin on his face when he turned toward Steve, STAR perched on top of his head in the wild nest of his hair. They were probably working on packing more firepower than she would ever need into her small body. He couldn't decided to be more worried or proud.

Tony looked so happy, so alive, and Steve hated to ruin that. He absolutely loathed the thought of killing that smile, of sending Tony into a tailspin. This Tony - Shellhead - was his too, just in a different way than the other Tony. 

He hated the thought of any Tony hating him.

"You wanna tell me what you dreamed about, or do you need another demo assignment?"

"I dreamed... I dreamed about Captain America fighting Iron Man," Steve said through his own hesitation. Tony's expression immediately went grim and STAR's soft gasp seemed to echo in the suddenly quiet room. Tony dropped the tablet he was holding and walked to Steve; Tony was always dropping everything to help him. "And that Cap, he... he..."

Tony didn't like it when anyone touched the arc reactor. Steve had been allowed exactly once, and that was only because one of their enemies had found a way to tamper with it. Steve had been the only one around to help and Tony had flinched through the whole process. He had barely trusted Steve enough to white-knuckle his way through it, which Steve mostly understood.

Other than that incident it was strictly off limits, so Steve made sure to keep his trembling fingers hovering a few centimeters away from the blue glow. "My Tony don't have this in his chest anymore, but it's still part-a the suit'n Rogers... he brought the shield down right on top of it." It hurt, the way Tony flinched back, but Steve didn’t blame him for it.

"I'm going to kill him."

"Ya can't be sayin' things like that, Starshine." More worrisome than the words was how calmly she had delivered them, and Steve... he knew he really ought to discourage her from trying to follow through. Even if it would be extremely satisfying to watch it happen. "We'll kick his ass, but we ain't killin' him. Unless... unless Tony doesn't..."

He couldn't speak around the lump growing in his throat, but STAR and Tony seemed to know what he meant. She threw herself at him and curled up in her usual spot against his neck. Again he mourned the fact that she couldn't really cry, because he was sure she probably wanted to. A second later Shellhead had Steve wrapped up in a tight hug, one that felt just shy of home.

"I know you wouldn't ever," he said into Steve's hair, voice thick with emotion. "I know that, and your Tony will too. You could never--"

"Buc-- the Winter Soldier. He might-a killed your parents. 'S why they fought - Rogers knew'n didn't say _anythin'_. Not one damn word. I don't wanna-"

"I know," Tony told him before he could get himself too worked up. The man stepped back and grabbed his shoulders, looking down into his face with a serious expression. "I already knew, Steve. We... because of what you told Rose and the other things you left behind SHIELD has been much more prepared than it could have been. We've been trying to find him for years, and we have a better idea of... of all the things he's done. So I already know, and... look. I'm never going to be friends with the guy, and I'm not really happy that he'll probably live here in the mansion if we can ever fucking find and contain him long enough to rip him out of Hydra's grip. But I'm also never going to fucking leave him in that kind of hell, okay? We'll find him and we'll... we'll figure it out. We're not gonna fight about it, swear to Tesla. Even when we do fight it's with words, not shields to the--"

They gulped in concert, the relief pouring through his veins competing with the image of Tony's broken body in his mind's eye. "Okay. I just... I couldn't not tell ya. I couldn't."

"And I appreciate that, buddy. C'mon, get in here for another hug before I turn Starlight's arm into a deadly weapon. And hey - when you kick Rogers' ass? Give him a punch in the dick from me."

~.~.~

Loki moved into the mansion a week and a half after Steve suggested the idea to Thor. His skin was paper-white and seemed paper-thin, and he carried himself with brittle grace. It wouldn't take much to break him, Steve thought as he studied the god who may not be able to get him home after all. One wrong move, one perfectly cruel word, and he thought what was left of Loki would shatter irreparably. So it was good that Frigga was staying for a while and even better that Thor was kept in Asgard for ‘matters of diplomacy’.

Reading between the lines, Steve figured that was the tactful, royal way of keeping the two siblings apart. Maybe Thor loved Loki, but he didn't do so well when it came to handling delicate objects, matters, or people. It was better he be away for this initial period, better to let Loki find his feet before he had to deal with his brother.

Though Steve wasn't sure if Loki really found dealing with Tony and Jan any easier.

"All I'm _saying_ is that you don't need to wear so much black and green all the time. Look, just--"

"I don't want to wear any of your insipid designs, you pest." Loki's snappy rejoinder lacked a good deal of snap. Instead he just sounded sort of tired while he argued with Jan from his position on the couch. She looked just about ready to blow anyway, cheeks puffed out in a show of anger. With both hands propped on her hips, the clothes she had been trying to show the recovering god were slipping to the floor but she didn't seem to notice. "I have told you that time and time again. Now will you--"

"She has a point, oh Convalescing One. Your choice in clothing colors washes you out," Tony managed to sound bored and biting at the same time. He didn't even look up from his tablet, which Steve had given up trying to take away twenty minutes ago. It was _supposed_ to be 'family downtime' in Avengers manner, not 'pester Loki' or 'continue working' time. Steve knew Tony was doing it mostly because Rhodes had called and said he wouldn't be able to make it home for another two days. Shellhead was keenly feeling his lack of Rhodey-time, and he was going to sulk (in his own way) until that changed. "I mean, at least you managed to evade the good ol' classic black and white stripes, and it's even better that you missed out on those gross bright orange jumpsuits that have replaced them as prison chic, but--"

"Ah, but you forget, I was technically a prisoner on Asgard. What makes you think I wasn't forced to wear something equally garish there?"

"Because we all know your mommy and your big bwother love you vewy, vewy much and they wouldn't ever even think to make poor wittle Loki wear something that might make him feel bad about himself."

"You realize I could kill you with very little effort, yes?"

"Pfft. I could take you."

"When I'm trying to lose, and even then only barely. Now that my mind is clear of... outside influences, I think you'll find the outcome to be very different."

The reminder of what had been going on behind the scenes brought Tony up short. He even glanced up from his tablet, expression full of discomfort and maybe a little regret as he took Loki in. Not that the god deigned to return his glance. He was too busy pretending to read - Steve hadn't seen him flip a page since he himself had given up the fight to confiscate Tony's tablet. There was no way Jan hadn't noticed that too, and even if he was multitasking Tony was usually pretty sharp. Loki was hanging on by his fingernails and it was clear to anyone paying attention. Sure enough, Tony’s expression softened just a little and he left attack mode... which he'd probably only been in by default anyway.

"Yeah, well... Jesus fuck, even in those stupid colors that make you look like a fucking ghost, you're a nine. Will you just let Jan dress you so you can join the rest of us up here on level ten? Please? Then we'll all go out to a club. We can get wasted and dance dirty with other tens while Steve judges us and makes sure we get home safely."

"I am _not_ goin' back ta The Vortex. Ever."

"Oh come on Steve. You're a hot little twink - kinda muscle-y sure, but still. We go to any gay bar in the city and you're going to get swarmed. You're just going to have to get over that. It's not like you're going to say 'yes' to them anyway, and come on - I know you like hitting the ones that get handsy."

"I ain't goin' ta The Vortex. If Loki wants ta go out, pick someplace else."

"We could just go out to dinner maybe," Jan suggested. When Steve looked over at her, she had a renewed fire in her expression and had taken a few steps toward Loki. "If you didn't want to... dance dirty with anyone." Her little nose wrinkled which didn't fool Steve one little bit - she must be currently 'on' with Hank. While they were in their 'off' phases she danced dirty with the best of 'em, and pulled men and women that were just as interesting and attractive as the ones Tony managed. "Peggy might be willing to join us after she gets done at SHIELD."

"Could head ta the pub where Clint works. Food'n dancin'n pool."

"You just want to hustle some people out of their money at the tables."

"Ain't my fault they think me bein' small means I’m an easy target. They get what’s comin’ ta ‘em."

"Ugh. Is he working tonight? Einstein knows why he even still has that job. It’s not like I’m charging him for room and board. He doesn’t even seem to enjoy it."

"Yeah. Seemed awful bummed about goin’ in tonight. Would cheer him up if'n we went ta hang out'n spend our money."

"That wouldn't be awful. Miss Margaret would join us for sure, and Carol lives out that way too. If she drops in I can try to get her to move in to the mansion again. Oooh, and maybe she’ll bring Jessica. She’s the only one of you lot that’s fun to do shots with. Come on Lokes--"

" _Lokes_?"

"-- stop being such a drama-god and put on one of the shirts Jan made special for you so we can take you out on the town and show you a good time."

"I have no interest in--"

Tony heaved a sigh as he set his tablet down and heaved himself up to his feet. Looking very put-upon, which was a huge lie because he didn't do hardly anything he didn't want to, he walked over to where Loki was sitting. The god had at last stopped pretending to read and was watching Tony with vague hostility underlain with something close to panic. Steve was afraid Tony might push him too hard too fast, a feeling that only increased when Tony plopped down at Loki's side and threw an arm on the back of the couch... which also meant it was half-slung around Loki's shoulders.

"Look here, Lokes," he said, ignoring the way Loki was kind of growling at him. "I get it. Sort of, anyway. Captivity sucks, and you had your head played with on top of that. I get that, and I get wanting to hide away and lick your wounds . You aren't even allowed to put on your super-suit with the crazy horns to go fuck shit up for stress relief. I can tell you from experience moping around here isn't gonna help you put any of that behind you."

"C'mon Shellohead, he ain't mopin'. Leave him be."

"I do not require your assistance, Steven. We can go out to this... pub of yours, but I refuse to change before we leave."

"Loki, don't feel like ya gotta--"

"Stop trying to rain on our parade Steve, or you won't be invited anymore."

"Yeah! It's going to be a blast, I promise. You're _sure_ you don't want a different shirt? That one really doesn't--"

"Enough, pest. I have agreed to accompany you on this ridiculous outing. Don't make me change my mind before we even leave the mansion. Just let me put my book away and then we can be off."

Loki moved with all the fluid grace of a predator when he stood and headed off toward his rooms. For all his glowering and posturing, however, he had been quick to capitulate to Tony and Jan's latest request. And no matter how hostile he had seemed, even if they were pushing him too hard or too fast... Steve was sure he caught the tiny curve of a smile on the corner of Loki's mouth.

Maybe the evening wouldn't be a complete disaster after all. Even better, maybe - just maybe - this would help Loki come back to himself. Steve wouldn't feel right about pushing to get home until Loki was a little more stable, which made him feel like a sham whenever he tried to help Loki get there. He wanted, _needed_ to get back to Tony... so he hoped Tony and Jan could help Loki, no matter how much that hope made him feel like a selfish asshole.

~.~.~

"I know what you want from me."

Steve scowled down at his sketchpad, where a thick line ruined what had been a picture of U, Dum-E and STAR. Most people knew better than to startle him while he was drawing; he suspected Loki just didn't care. 

"Don't know what ya mean," he said as he tried to figure out how to incorporate the mistake his hand had made into the sketch. He had been so happy with it - it would be a shame to let one unplanned jerk of the hand ruin it. "Don't want nothin' from ya right now 'cept for ya ta keep gettin' better."

"I've been lying since I first began to speak, Steven, and you do a very poor job of it."

"Ain't lyin'." Steve looked over at Loki when he scoffed, taking in his appearance. He had been living in the mansion for almost a month, and these days he looked less likely to break if someone looked at him wrong. Jan had kept up her crusade of talking the god into wearing softer colors and it was shocking how much of a difference it made. Seeing Loki get better, watching as he opened himself up after what had been done to him, was satisfying in and of itself. As much as he wanted to go home, he didn't want to do it at the expense of that growth, so he had been doing his absolute best not to push. But if Loki was going to be doing the pushing himself... 

"Once ya start feelin' better'n such, sure I might ask if ya could help me out with somethin', but I can wait 'til you're ready."

"I'm not going to apologize for what that future version of myself did."

"Don't recall askin' ya to."

"Good, because I have nothing to apologize for." Steve wasn't completely sure about that, but he understood where Loki was coming from.

"So... ya remember - no, ya said it was... a version of ya from the future? How's that even work?"

There was a long beat of silence, during which he looked up from his maybe not-so-ruined sketch to examine the god standing to the left and just a little behind his bench. Loki looked pensive, just a little drawn. Steve could read hints of anxiety in his expression, but it was only because of his practice reading Shellhead. For all their differences, it was fascinating how similar the construction of their masks was.

"My mother is, on occasion, granted visions of the future from the Norns. The gift of foresight is a burden for one person to carry alone, but telling too many people or one wrong one can be catastrophic. But mother... she saw something in me when I was young, which was why she was so willing to teach me to master the art of seidr. I used to be so angry at her for that, for forcing yet another element of difference on me."

His expression had gone distant, wistful. The anxiety was gone, replaced by something softer and full of longing as he stared up at the sky. Steve could understand the title of Silver Tongue - the lilt in Loki's voice felt like an invitation to lean in and get lost in his words, to let the story wash over and enthrall him. 

Steve wondered how much convincing it would take to get Loki to spin a tale or two for the Avengers during one of their 'family nights'. If he put Shellhead on the job, he was sure it wouldn't take much persuading at all. The two bickered like an old married couple over science and magic - especially the definitions of the two things - but they also exchanged favors freely. It was a dynamic that had him exchanging sly smiles with Jan and Pegs while Natalia and Clint ran a betting board over how their relationship would turn out. The two most popular choices were 'lovers' and 'mutual destruction'.

"Magic is for women-folk, at least that is what many Aesir believe. So for me to be so versed in it... that doesn't matter anymore, however. What matters is that my mother did so because she knew some of what would be and she saw the part I must play. She saw my piece of the tapestry, Steve, and she saw what would become of our world. She saw you, saw the heart of a star dying too quickly. Through her magic, she saw the fate of other universes, ones similar to ours except that they end happier than ours. And she saw a key difference - in most of those other worlds, you chose change instead of being lost to death."

Steve swallowed hard, not quite sure about how he felt about that. He didn't want... that was a lot of pressure. Too much pressure. Tony had been right - he wasn't the lynchpin on which any universe should turn. He was just a guy doing his best, that was all. He didn't subscribe to the idea that any one man or woman had that much power to change things. No one should have that power.

"I think it has less to do with you than the resulting teamwork between other superheroes. The best worlds, the ones with the most desirable outcomes, were those where you and Iron Man work together, where the two of you form a team. Sometimes that didn't go as well as it could have for you or those involved, but overall... overall those worlds fared better in the long run." 

He thought of Tony lying on the ground, beaten and bloodied and possibly dying. He wasn't sure that world could possibly be better off for it. 

"She never told me any of this, of course. I had my part to play in getting us all here." The bitterness in his voice was both raw and resigned. Steve could feel how much Loki loved his mother despite everything, and it set up a hollow echo in his heart.

"How do ya know about it then?" Loki wouldn't believe him if he tried to be empathetic. He would read it as pity, and after that he would probably shut right down. It was better if he tried to play the role the god would expect from him. "If she didn't tell ya, how're ya tellin' me?"

"It was after..." Loki visibly swallowed, and for just a moment he looked brittle and breakable again. Steve wanted to wrap him up in blankets and sit him down in the middle of a puppy-pile, but the god was still pretty damn resistant to accepting comfort from any of them. "After. When I was recovering, she showed me many things that she had kept from me before. She kept saying it wasn't time then, that she needed me... that I needed to understand what was at stake before I would help her without seeking any gain for myself." Loki pinned him with a look, and the expression in his eyes cut Steve to the quick. "Even my mother often believes the worst of me, Steven. I wouldn't count on my aid. Everyone will tell you it comes with strings."

"I'm sure your ma didn't mean--"

"She did."

"Well I ain't buyin' it. I think ya might be better than ya think ya are."

"I think you're an idealistic fool. Only one of us is right."

"Yeah yeah. ... could ya though? Could ya get me back ta that world?"

"Not yet, and not on my own. We have the Tesseract secured on Asgard, and my mother will be happy to lend it to us for a brief time. But that's the other thing we need, you see - the Time Stone. I don't know where it is, and if my mother does she is not telling me. We will come across it at some point, Steven. We must, if I use it to ferry you to and fro across the multiverse. When it does--"

"I just wanna go home, Loki. I... me'n Shellhead set up the Defenders, didn't we? So a team's all set up'n Shellhead'll run it great all on his own. I could even visit if I had ta, but I... I did what I had ta do, right? So I just wanna go home."

"Don't we all." The silence that fell between them was contemplative and unhappy on both their ends. After a few seconds, Steve sighed and looked down at his picture, following the lines of the boys and his girl before tracing the beginnings of the word 'Friday'. There was an ache in his chest, one that said he and STAR would never get back to the rest of their family. "I will try, Steven. I don't know... the magic will be unstable. My mother said I won't be able to control it later, that you end up in that other world by chance. I don't know how to get you there on purpose."

"What you need is a guiding system."

Loki went tense at Shellhead's interruption, but Steve was sure he saw more fondness than true irritation in his eyes. "You have no idea what you're talking about, mortal."

"Look, Lokes. I know you like your magic tricks and the finger waggling--"

"I do not _waggle_ \--"

"But science - real, actual science not your bullshit version - is king. I bet if we work together I could help you improve your aim and get Cap here where he wants to go."

"I do not require your assistance, Anthony. I am perfectly capable--"

"Not what you just said. I heard him. Did you hear him Starlight?"

"Loud and clear!" STAR chirped from where she was perched on Tony's shoulder. "He said that he couldn't get me and Steve home on purpose, so without you we would need to depend on luck. I've never felt very lucky, to be honest with you."

"Me either. You know what I think we're dealing with here?"

"Lord gimme strength," Steve muttered, only just resisting the urge to bury his face in his hands. "I apologize for anythin' about ta come outta his mouth," he added to Loki. The god didn't answer but kept right on glaring at Tony.

"I think this is definitely about ego, Lokes. I think maybe you're afraid that I'm going to show you up. You're nervous that I'm going to school you in your own field and I don't really blame you because I regularly perform dazzling feats of ingenuity and genius. But I promise that I will be gracious in my victory--"

"There will be no 'victory' you insolent idiot," Loki interrupted, glare intensifying. "And this has nothing to do with ego either. It is about the way the universe and the Infinity Stones work, and if you think--"

"I think they sound like they could do just about anything, right? So why couldn't we use your mojo and my science to make a stable connection that goes exactly where we want it to?"

"Because that isn't the way this works!"

"No need to stomp your feet and throw a temper tantrum, Lokes."

"I am not--"

"I'll just have to do it without you - I need your mom more than you anyway. And Thor has always adored me, so I bet I could..." Steve was pleasantly surprised when Tony cut himself off, expression sobering. Loki had gone taut as a bowstring, furious expression _daring_ Tony to bring his brother into their little spat.

STAR - who had left Tony's shoulder and used her newest upgrade to fly to his - exchanged a look of disbelief with him before they both settled in to watch with bated breath. This was one of those moments that would have several Defenders taking bets, because it sure as hell looked like things between the two men could explode in all kind of ways.

"What could you do, Man of Iron?"

"Ooooooh..." He agreed with STAR's little utterance. 'Man of Iron' only made an appearance on Loki's lips when his patience was running short. The deadly quiet tone he was using didn't mean anything good either, and the god was still poised to either strike or flee. Steve was pretty sure even Loki didn't know which one he would choose.

"I could see if Heimdall could give her a message for me."

There was a long, tense moment where they all waited to see if that olive branch would be enough. All the air seemed to have been sucked out of the little courtyard. Part of him was desperate to throw his two cents in, because maybe that could help them avoid a fight... but he knew it wasn't really up to him. So he bit his lip and exchanged another look with STAR, who had clapped both her tiny hands over her non-existent mouth. It broke a little of his own tension, and soon after the brewing storm between Loki and Tony broke as well.

"As if Heimdall has nothing better to do than play errand boy for a pathetic mortal beyond his depth." The sneer on Loki's face and the disdain dripping from his words shouldn't have made things better, but they did. He wasn't being any nastier than usual, after all. His body had also eased back into its usual indolent sprawl, the one that was all loose limbs and arrogance that Steve enjoyed trying to catch on paper. He had decided not to fight or run away, and the inevitable explosion had been pushed back for at least a little longer. "And if I could not come up with a... guiding system several years into the future, with all the glory and genius of Asgard at my fingertips, what makes you think you could find a way?"

There was genuine curiosity beneath the mocking. Both he and Shellhead were so much easier to read once a person learned not to take any of their sarcasm or cynicism at face value.

"Uh... hello? I'm Tony fucking Stark. I can do whatever I damn well please. And while I'll miss him like hell, I want to get Cap back to his star-crossed lover. You gonna help me, or do I need to invent a way to get a message to your mom first?"

"I should very much like to see you try that, Anthony. But for now... come. I shall explain the processes I believe I will use in your workshop. JARVIS, may I request your aid in using those charming, adorably primitive holograms your creator loves to show off?"

Loki was already walking away with Tony staring after him, jaw dropped and a combination of offense and intrigue on his face. Steve didn't hear what JARVIS answered, too busy hiding a laugh in the shoulder STAR wasn't sitting on, but he could guess what it was. J loved tormenting Tony in small, harmless ways - he would be ever so gracious to Loki's requests as long as the god didn't get mean. STAR was giggling too, though the both of them began to laugh out loud when Tony rushed after Loki without saying goodbye, swearing up a storm under his breath.

That laughter gave way to relief, because two of the smartest people he knew were (finally) actively working to get him back to _his_ Tony. His Tony, who had tried so hard and been hurt so much in his dreams. Even if... even if the worst happened, he needed to return to that world. It was awful of him, but if Tony... if Tony hadn't made it home after that last dream, Steve was going to kill Steven Grant Rogers dead. He was gonna kill that other version of himself, then steal the bots and FRIDAY and bring them back to this place.

Hell, if Tony was alive (please God, please please please) he might just steal his love along with them.

Sighing and smiling and tearing up at the thought, Steve let himself fall back onto the ground. "Hey!" STAR's shout was half-laugh, and she used the upgrades Shellhead had given her to stabilize herself in the air. Once he was settled in the grass, she landed on his chest, hands on her hips as she glared down at him. "You could have crushed me."

"Nah. I think ya woulda broke my bones if'n I'd landed on ya. You're one tough dame."

"Hmph. That's no excuse. ... Steve? Do you think they'll really be able to do it? Do you think they'll be able to send us home to him? To them?"

He lifted his sketchbook up into the air where they both could see it, the drawing he had been working on of all his and Tony’s kids. "I think the two-a them'll try. Prolly 'til it kills 'em. If they can't get us back, I don't think anybody could."

"I miss them."

"Me too, starry skies. Me too."

~.~.~

Steve grit his teeth against the constant clicking of camaras and the flashes of light surrounding the small stage he was standing on with Shellhead, Captain Marvel, Cyclops and Nick Fury. Professor Xavier and the X-Men were new allies of The Defenders, but once Fury had horned his way in it had felt right that they be represented. Howlett... Logan was in the crowd, as was the woman called Storm and several other members of his own team. Standing opposite them, looking both grave and unreadable, was a delegation from Wakanda.

He had wanted to do this in private - it was a private matter, dammit. At least for him it was. The shield had always sung for him, and he had always wanted it even more than he had wanted to be called Captain America. He had done good with it while it had been with him, and good Lord above it felt like _his_. It felt like a part of him, and it would be so easy to convince himself to hold on to it.

Except. The vibranium it had been made from hadn't been Howard Stark's to give. Whatever the US Army and government thought, they had no claim to it either. It had been stolen from Wakanda and nobody had ever tried to make that right far as he could tell. If he had been less selfish, he would have done something about that as soon as he had gotten out of the ice. No matter how much the shield felt like his, it had always belonged to Wakanda. He should have tried to rectify it sooner, but it had been easier to keep it close, especially when Wakanda was still hiding itself away. As soon as he heard that the secretive African nation was making overtures to join the rest of the world, he had known what he needed to do.

It was just that he had wanted to do it _in private_. He hadn't wanted it to be seen as a PR move or a stunt. He was just trying to do the right thing, and he didn't need or want the public's involvement. But some intern delivering some paperwork to the mansion from Pepper had overheard him talking to Tony about it, run his mouth, and now here they all were.

'Better to just let them get the story', Tony had told him with a wry twist of his lips. Steve had agreed despite his better judgement, and now it was going to look like he was only doing it to show off. He hated it, and the longer he stood there, waiting for the signal to start, the more he thought that maybe this was all the story anyone needed. One Defender or another was always pissing off or disappointing the press - maybe it was his turn again.

So instead of waiting for the event to start, he strode toward the podium on his own. He shoved off his cowl as he went and ignored all the murmuring that turned into shouted questions. He also ignored the way his teammates were either snickering or face-palming, because what the hell did they know anyway. A quick glance toward the Wakandan delegation showed that the head diplomat looked intrigued while a few of her colleagues seemed distinctly amused.

"If I could have everyone's attention for just a moment," he said into the microphone despite the way a hush had fallen over the room as soon as he reached it. "I know ya came ta see a show'n I'm awful sorry ta disappoint." Lying came so much easier now, at least when he was talking to the press. "But this is too important for camaras. I'll do a Q'nA after if I really gotta," he glanced over to Tony, who was hiding a laugh behind his hand while nodding. "Which Shellhead is clearly gonna make me do. So I'll see ya then, I guess."

Still ignoring the press and all their questions, Steve strode over to the Wakandans. Fury had walked him through the proper greeting, and he offered it without hesitation. He crossed his arms over his chest and inclined his head, holding the pose for a heartbeat until it returned.

"Captain America."

"Minister Ebele. If it's not too much trouble, would ya maybe join me in the conference room down the hall?"

"Of course. After you." Every gesture she made was elegant and controlled - they all moved like warriors. Steve was pretty sure that every diplomat trailing after him could give him a run for his money if it ever came to a fight. It eased something inside of him, because he would rather deal with warriors than politicians any day. He just hoped he wasn't going to make a fool out of himself and that maybe they'd cut him a bit of slack if he did. As the murmur of the crowd faded behind him, Steve felt tension drain out of his shoulders, and he couldn't help but give a sigh of relief when the door to the conference room closed behind them.

"Thanks for comin'," he said, nervously shifting his weight from foot to foot. "Do ya wanna sit, or...?"

"What can we do for you, Captain?" Minister Ebele asked, a kind light in her eyes despite the twist of amusement on her lips. "I've been curious ever since the request to meet arrived on my desk." Like Loki, Steve was pretty sure he could listen to Minister Ebele speak for hours. Her accent and lilt was different but no less compelling, and he wished he had worked harder to train the rough traces of old Brooklyn out of his own voice - there was no way she enjoyed hearing it.

"I just... ah..." Embarrassment made it harder to speak, and he could feel himself starting to blush. "Um."

"Oh for heaven's sake." STAR had unfolded herself without him realizing and was now hovering in the air at his side. A few of the diplomats let out soft 'ah's as they took her in, and he saw the warmth in Minister Ebele's eyes grow. "I apologize for Steve's hemming and hawing - he gets shy and he's been twitchy all day anyway. He would have rather done this at your office probably, but people butted their noses in where noses didn't belong and they made him try to do it this way. So he might need a couple minutes to find his words."

Steve's face and neck burned as soft laughter filled the room. The only reason he didn't run was because he was pretty sure they weren't laughing at him. STAR had successfully stolen all their attention, and he knew she'd done it to give him room to breathe. She even flew over in their direction to let them admire her, answering their questions with far less snark than she usually used towards other people. He grabbed the chance with both hands and closed his eyes, taking a few deep breaths. 

Back at the mansion he had gone through two packs of index cards trying to plan his speech, and there were a few in his pocket that had the final results of that. Maybe he didn't need them though. Now that he didn't have to do this _and_ make nice with the press... maybe he didn't need to be fancy. He could just tell them the truth.

God, he was going to miss his shield.

Despite the hollow and all too familiar ache of loss in his chest, Steve took the shield from his back and gave it one last look. "Ya saved my life more times than I could count," he said, speaking so quietly he was sure no one would hear him. "I couldn't-a done any-a what I did without ya. Ya _sang_ for me, and ya helped make me Cap. Thanks."

He flipped the shield around his hands a few times, a few memories playing in his mind. The first time he had held it, the first time he'd thrown it in battle. The satisfaction of getting an angle _just right_ , the guilt and horror of cutting off Red Skull's hand. Using it to boost Natalia into the air, watching Clint try and fail to use it, the way it had quivered and trembled but stayed strong under Thor's hammer. More than just being useful, it had been part of him... and it had never really been his despite that. It was time to let it go.

"This belongs ta your people," he announced, the room around him going suddenly quiet. Two of the diplomats were visibly shocked, three more were stone-faced, and Minister Ebele's expression had gone sharp and searching. "The shield, I mean. Wasn't never mine ta take, not really'n I'm sorry I didn't try ta get it back ta ya right after I came outta the ice. Howard Stark stole from ya, and he never shoulda and the army never shoulda let him, but he did. It was wrong, and it would be wrong-a me ta keep it. 'Specially since I know how he got it. So... I'm givin' it back." As he stepped forward, he held the shield out towards Minister Ebele who watched him with steady interest. "Again - I'm sorry it took so long."

"How will you be Captain America without your shield?"

"Shellhe-... uh, Tony's got somethin' in the works. Not that it matters, not for this, 'cause the vibranium was stolen from your people. This isn't about me. Shouldn't be, anyhow. I know that you're gonna be headin' back ta Wakanda soon. Could ya take this ta King T'Chaka, along with my apologies for keepin' it so long?"

Minister Ebele searched his eyes for several long, quiet moments before she finally reached forward and laid her hands over his. "I will, Captain. The greed of Howard Stark and the S.S.R. has long been used as one of many reasons for Wakanda to keep to the shadows. Perhaps the return of what was stolen will help ease the fears of those still reluctant to join the world. I thank you, Captain America, as I'm sure my King will do as well."

Steve felt his face turn bright red when she ended her words with a little _bow_ in his direction. Not only was it embarrassing, he also knew he didn't deserve it. Probably not her kind words either, or the small words of thanks he received from the other diplomats. He was just trying to do the right thing, and if he were a better person - someone who deserved those thanks and the looks of wonder in the eyes of the two younger Wakandans - he would have found a way to return the shield years ago.

It was never really his, he reminded himself as he watched Minister Ebele hand it off, carrying it further away from him. It had never been his, and he didn't need it to be Captain America.

Besides, sometimes... sometimes when he looked at it, all he could see was the way Rogers had nearly used it to kill Tony.

Maybe it was better if the shield was out of his reach.

"I think perhaps we will leave now instead of facing the press," Minister Ebele said, pulling him from his bleak thoughts. "I believe that it would be prudent to get the shield to our offices and then to Wakanda as quickly as possible. Thank you again, Captain. If I am sent back to this country again I hope that we may speak further. Good day."

STAR hovered at his left ear while the Wakandan diplomats filed out of the room and took his shield with him. He missed the weight of it on his back already, missed knowing it would be there in the next battle. Shellhead was going to come up with something great, he knew that - Steve wouldn't be defenseless while he waited to get sent home. And once he got back to Tony, if he decided to fight in that world... well. His Tony could make him something even better, probably. Or, well, not better, but... something made with the kind of love Shellhead just didn't feel for him. But maybe over in that place he wouldn't keep fighting - maybe he would be _just_ Steven Brian Rogers. Hell, maybe he could convince Tony to marry him, and he'd become Steven Brian Stark.

It was a nice dream, one that shattered every time he remembered that Tony might be…

"I don't wanna go back ta the press conference," he said quietly. STAR hummed in thought, then settled on his shoulder. 

"I don't blame you. They're pretty awful, aren't they? Text Logan and Peggy - tell them to sneak out because we're going to go drinking."

"I can't. Shellhead'd have ta tell'm all and that ain't fair ta him. No, we'll go. Just... I need a sec." He flexed his hand a few times, resigned himself to never feeling the grip of his shield again, then sighed. "After though. After we'll go drinkin' with Pegs'n Howle... Logan."

"You need to stop doing that," she scolded gently. "He can't remember and every time you start to call him--"

"I know. I'm workin' on it."

"Work harder."

"Yes ma'am. Tell me 'bout the guiding system you'n Shellhead'n Loki are workin' on again."

"We're almost there! I mean, we won't _really_ know until we try it, but even Lokes admitted that it'll probably work. Tony knows it will, and when Frigga came by on her last visit she seemed awful impressed and also kind of surprised. She seems nice enough, but I don't think I like her much. She makes Lokes kind of sad, which makes Tony really grumpy. Anyway, Tony's even going to talk to Reed Richards--"

While STAR talked, Steve let himself believe. He let himself think that he and STAR were really going to get back to their family, and that this time they would get to stay. In the dream, Tony was... not fine, couldn’t be after whatever had happened, but he was _alive_ and that was the important part. They would be together again soon. Once they were reunited they would get married and live happily ever after. Believing in that dream was enough to help him relax. It drained some of the tension from him, helped him cope with the loss of his shield. Allowing himself to think of that precious future made him feel like he could face anything.

Even the press, which was absolutely going to rip him apart for giving up his shield.

~.~.~

Three months after he gave up his shield and almost four years after waking up in the future for a second time, Captain America met the Sorcerer Supreme... and it was time to finally turn his dream into a reality.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, couple few notes!
> 
> First - Tiny Adorable Steve made some choices that I did not expect throughout the course of the fic. He's kind of a bloodthirsty little thing, for example, and then he gave up his shield. XD I do love him tho. 
> 
> Second - Steve's panic attack is kind of modeled after my own, so it's based on that experience and may not be typical of other peoples' experiences. I've tried a couple different things, and nothing really helps when I'm in the throes of one, but I've found that counting my breaths can help stave off a full-blown attack if I catch it early. So that's the coping mechanism I went with here, just because I like it. XD
> 
> Third - Loki is probably out of character? I've never written him before and this is a different Loki who is like, super wounded and broken up, and just... I dunno. XD Sorry if y'all hate him? XD


	16. Chapter 16

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Last chapter!! :D This was a really fun fic to write, even if parts of it tripped me up something awful. XD
> 
> Thanks again to KiernaSerea for beta'ing for as long as she did, and for the awesome Arboreal for being so patient with my shenanigans. <3
> 
> Also, many thanks to you lovely readers - especially all those who have commented. It really makes my day to see them pop up, even when I'm not feeling verbal enough to respond. <3

It was harder to leave than Steve had expected.

Despite all the odds, he had built himself another little family and leaving them behind _hurt_. It helped that they were all so understanding. They had thrown him a 'We'll Miss You But Good Luck In That Other World' party - Clint's banner had taken up a _whole wall_ \- and sent him off with hugs, laughter and tears. Gifts too, which had been unexpected but sweet. Thor had handed over several pieces of Asgardian tech that he thought Tony would find interesting while Jan provided him a whole new wardrobe that apparently made him look 'yummy'. Clint's contribution had been a photo album full of 'Team Blooper Photos', Natalia's a set of nesting dolls made in the likeness of core members of The Defenders - Steve himself was the largest while Jan was the smallest.

Peggy had given him her solemn vow that she would find Bucky before he came back for his first visit. She was closing in, she had promised with a grim face, and she was going to bring Bucky home.

Stephen Strange had been the only one Steve had actually _asked_ to give him anything. He had gone to the Sorcerer and told him about the Wanda Maximoff of Tony's world, about what Fri suspected she had done to Tony. After working with their world's Wanda, who Steve couldn't bring himself to like even if she seemed a lot more stable than the one he had seen in his dreams, Strange had come up with a solution. The amulet he pressed into Steve's hand was almost enough to bring him to tears, because he knew whatever had happened haunted Tony . It would be nice to be able to offer his lover something that could bring him some piece of mind. It would prevent anyone from getting into his head like that ever again and would even help heal the trauma of that first violation.

Most of the other Defenders had given him little things as well, because unlike Peggy they didn't trust that he would come back. That had been Shellhead's present though - a way to do just that despite the space and time that was between both worlds. Steve hadn't understood any of the science behind the doohickey he'd been given, but that hadn't stopped Shellhead from babbling on and on about it. The only present he'd gotten from Loki had been the look of wonder and affection on the god's face as he listened to Shellhead explain how he had managed the impossible.

The two deserved each other, even if they didn't seem inclined to stop dancing around each other any time soon.

He was going to miss them all a hell of a lot, but he couldn't wait to be gone. Tony was so close - home and his kids and his lover were _so goddamn close_ , and he just wanted to close that final distance. STAR was just as eager, and as they watched Tony, Loki, Frigga and Strange run their final tests she was flying around his head in an agitated fashion. He wanted to fidget just as much, wanted to pace and run his hands through his hair and snap at them to hurry... but he forced himself to be still. Distracting them would make this take longer, and God he didn't want the awful, wonderful anticipation to last a single second more than it had to.

Fuck, he just wanted to know that Tony was alright.

"Cap?"

Steve jerked out of his thoughts and turned his attention fully to Shellhead, offering a shaky smile. "Yeah?"

"We're just about ready. Lokes and Strange are doing the final calibrations with the Infinity Stones." Shellhead came to stand in front of him, rocking back and forth on his heels. After being friends - family - for so long, Steve could read the look on his face with ease, and it made his heart hurt. The little frown on his face and the tightness around his eyes meant that Shellhead was trying to hold his emotions in, but it wasn't really working. Steve could see care, worry and sadness there, and he drew the other man into a tight hug without making him ask for it.

"I'm gonna miss ya."

"Pfft," Shellhead hugged him just as hard, tucking Steve's head under his chin. "No you won't. You're upgrading to a better model, even if there's no way it's a sexier one. You'll be so busy being disgustingly happy that you won't even remember me. At least you'll be out of my hair and I'll be able to go to The Vortex again. My Rhodey-bear hates it almost as much as you do, but at least he'll suck it up and go with me."

"Make sure ya take Loki. Bet he'd be good at that dirty dancin' stuff."

"None of that, you menace."

"I am, by the way. Gonna miss ya somethin' awful."

"Come back and visit soon then."

"Soon as I can."

That was a lie and they both knew it. Steve wasn't going to be leaving Tony's side any time soon, and from what he'd seen Tony wouldn't be able to take a vacation to another world until things had settled in his own a little. He would come back to visit, but it was going to take a while before he would be able to bring himself to do it. Still, it was a lie that made both of them feel better so he didn't mind telling it. Their hug lasted for a while longer, and he pretended he didn't see the way Shellhead was swiping at his eyes when they finally let go. He walked away to let STAR say her own goodbye, heading for Strange.

"Thanks again," he said as he extended his hand. "I owe ya."

"Nonsense. It's been a fascinating exercise," Strange returned while shaking his hand. "I'm still not confident you won't end up dead or in some strange, hostile universe but I suppose we'll find out soon enough. If you survive and end up returning do let me know."

"Thanks for that little pep talk."

"Ah. Yes. Well."

Most days Steve would have been kind of offended by the way Strange turned and walked away. Just then he only laughed to himself, giddy enough with emotion to forgive the social awkwardness of the Sorcerer Supreme. He turned his attention to Loki, who had his arms crossed over his chest and a look of complete disinterest on his face. Steve wasn't buying it though - they were friends. The god cared about what was going on and might even be a little sad to see him go. No mask he pulled on was going to convince Steve otherwise.

"We doin' this the easy way, or am I gonna have ta beg ya for a hug?"

"I beg your pardon?" 

"Listen. Ya helped me a lot here, which I appreciate more'n I can say. Plus this is goodbye - for a while, mebbe forever dependin' on if I end up in the right place or not. So I'm gonna need a hug. Now how embarrassin' are ya gonna make this be, huh? Hug'n done, or am I gonna have ta kneel?"

"Will none of you ever let that go?"

"Nope."

"You don't even like me. Why in the world would you require a hug?"

"Because I do like ya, we’re friends'n I’m gonna miss ya. So c'mon." Steve stretched out his arms and almost lost it laughing when he saw a look of horror cross Loki's face. "Oh yeah. Sentiment. Let's go."

"This is preposterous."

"It'd be over by now if ya would just hug me." Loki didn't step back when he got closer, which he took as a good sign. The god would be gone if he truly objected. Frigga was giggling into one hand, eyes warm.

Steve wasn't sure how he felt about her. She made him think too much of his own ma, Tony flinched away from her touch, and she seemed to bring Loki sorrow and comfort in equal measure. Frigga had helped, had brought the Tesseract to them... but she had also known that Loki would be abducted and held by Thanos.

He didn't know how to forget or forgive that. He couldn't even begin to imagine how Loki felt about it all.

She did have a nice laugh though. Despite the glare Loki shot her way, the god also seemed to relax a little at the sound. He gave one last protest in the form of a disgusted snort before stepping forward and giving Steve the most awkward hug he'd received in his whole life. It sort of broke his heart, because it drove home how little contact Loki got from, well... anyone. Shellhead was the only one who touched him regularly outside his family. Thor's 'affections' were delivered via rough shoulder claps and hugs, while Frigga in turns smothered and ignored her youngest. Loki just didn't seem to know what to do with his arms or hands, and he was shifting from foot to foot the same way Steve did right before talking to the press.

"Relax, would ya? Shellhead ain't gonna sleep with ya if ya can't even hug right."

"I ought to stab you," Loki hissed into his ear even as his body relaxed a little. "I have no intention of... of... we are _friends_. Barely. When he isn't being a complete and utter pest I find him almost tolerable. For you to suggest--"

"Yeah yeah. Bet ya ten bucks he drags ya ta The Vortex in the next week and dances dirty with ya."

"You're a moron, Steven Rogers, and you won't be here to see if you win that bet or not." Loki finally, finally let himself relax fully... and then he was hugging Steve back fiercely. "You are my friend, however, and I suppose I will miss you. Take care if you please. I don't have so many friends separate from my oaf of a brother that I can misplace any. This trip had better not be forever."

"I'll do my best," he said into Loki's shoulder, on the verge of tears again and only a little surprised about it. "And even if Rhodey's here ta look after him, take care-a him will ya? I know ya care about him even if ya won't say it, so just... just keep an eye out'n distract him with your stupid fights'n stuff, okay? Try'n keep him from gettin' too sad."

Instead of answering with actual words, Loki made a non-committal hum in the back of his throat and pulled away. "Now. Strange gave you that silly toy for carrying your belongings--"

"It isn't a _toy_ ," Strange interrupted, sounding so damn offended Steve couldn't help but start laughing. "It's a priceless artifact - absolutely _priceless_ and _ancient_ \- that Wong helped me find in the New York Sanctum--"

"Yes, yes. A very ancient and amusing Midgardian toy that certainly would hold value to such a simple species. Whatever the case, it will keep all of your belongings--"

"A _toy_. That bag has been in existence--"

Loki shot Strange a look that was pure venom, but the Sorcerer Supreme matched it with a glare of his own. Neither looked ready to back down any time soon, and he looked heavenward while praying for patience. The last of his goodbyes had been said, the device Shellhead had created for him was ready, and the Infinity Stones were in place and pulsing with enough power to make his stomach turn whenever Steve looked at them. He was done waiting, and he didn't have time for stupid arguments that meant nothing.

Tony was waiting, and Steve was done doing the same.

"Peace, I beg of you." Frigga's gentle admonishment was enough to shut both magic users up. Strange glared at her while Loki looked down, guilt and resentment warring on his sharp features. Steve fought down his prickle of unease and ignored the notes of vanilla, lemon and iris tickling his nose - Frigga smelled far too much like his ma's old perfume, and he was pretty sure she did it on purpose. 'Allmother' was a title she wore with pride, after all, and Loki had learned magic at her heels.

"There - that's much better. Now, Steven," she walked to him, hands outstretched, and he pushed through his discomfort enough to take them. He was even brave enough to press a kiss to both sets of knuckles the same way Thor and Loki did, which was earned him a laugh and a warm smile. "It's time to send you home. You have your things thanks to Doctor Strange, and now all you need is your daughter - ah, here she is. Are you ready to go home, little one?"

"Yes ma'am," STAR said as she settled on Steve's shoulder, voice subdued even if he could feel her vibrating with excitement. "I gotta be a compass for this, right?"

"It probably for the best, yes." Frigga squeezed his hands as her bright eyes came back to his. "The Space and Time Stones know you both, but they have a... fondness for Steven. They would recognize him in any form, but I believe it would be best if you revert to the shape you wore when they first touched you."

"What... what does them bein'... bein' _fond_ of me mean?"

"It means just that. They _know_ you. While they haven't claimed you - and you should thank whatever god you follow for that - they have.... imprinted on you. My son mentioned that you dream of your lost love; that is certainly the work of the Stones. They marked you, Steven, and they will know you even in the universe where you are now headed. All the Infinity Stones across all the universes are linked - sometimes they are Gems, sometimes Notes or Flowers, sometimes Stars... but they will always know you."

Steve felt how wide his eyes were, but he couldn't do a damn thing to help that. Couldn't do anything to stop the shudder that rolled through him either, and he was grateful that his girl had stayed in her robot form to cuddle against his neck. The comfort was welcome, even if it couldn't last much longer if they were going to leave.

"That... I don't think I like the sound of that."

"No. Their regard is a burden more than a gift but you have it nonetheless. It may be of help in that other place in the future, however. So many paths of Iron Man and Captain America lead to them - their knowing you may help stay their power should your Tony Stark be threatened by them."

"Well no offense ta the Stones or Gems or whatever, but I'd rather they left Tony and his world alone."

"We so rarely get what we want... but who knows. I give you and your Tony my blessing, though it may not be worth much."

"It's the thought that counts. I can't thank ya enough for your help, Your Majesty. I won't ever forget it'n if there's anythin' ya ever need--"

"There is no debt between us, Steven Rogers. I have caused you and your love pain, after all. Simply be happy; that is all I wish for you." Her lips brushed over his forehead, and for a moment - the smallest, briefest moment - it felt like he was in another time and place. It was Sara Rogers whose work-rough hands were framing his face, her lips that were pressed lovingly to his skin. Her perfume surrounded him in a cloud, and she felt close enough to reach out and touch... and then the moment was over. Steve was left blinking back tears, emotion choking him. Frigga had given him back his ma and then taken her away in the same breath.

Perhaps she had been trying to be kind, but the gesture opened new wounds while attempting to soothe the old ones. The more time he spent in her company, the more he understood why Loki seemed to both love and loathe her.

"I.... thanks. I gotta... I just wanna go home."

"Of course. Loki darling, is everything ready?"

"Yes mother. Come along, Steve." He fought his smile - Loki only called him that when Thor or Frigga were around and using his full name - and obediently followed after the god. On the way, STAR slid down his arm and transformed as she went; when she hit his right palm, she was in her compass form. He also scooped up his singular bag, the one Shellhead called a bag of tricks, and hoped that it would work the way Strange said it would. It would hurt, losing everything that had been tucked away inside the supposedly priceless artifact. All the memories of his life with his Gaggle of Girls, the Imps, the Defenders... they were all there along with the precious drawings of Tony and their kids that he had once brought back to Brooklyn with him. Every momento was important, precious... but he guessed so long as he ended up in the tower with STAR he could stand to lose a few material possessions.

Shellhead was standing behind him, Steve could feel it. He couldn't look though, couldn't exchange a last glance or wave. If he did that he would give into the urge to dart over for another hug, and then another, and then it would be even harder to leave. His life was never going to be whole - he was always going to be leaving half of himself behind in one world or another. Steve had always been blessed when it came to his family and friends, but it didn't feel like it just then, not when he was facing the very real possibility that he'd never see them again.

Tony needed him though. His fella had been waiting for him, waiting without knowing that he would be back. It been been months or decades depending on how he figured - either option was way too long. Steve knew where he needed to be... and he also knew that if he looked back at Shellhead, that resolve would waver. That was why he'd never looked back at his lover when Loki had led him into the green light, so it fit that he didn't once give in to the urge to look over his shoulder at the second Tony Stark he was leaving behind.

Shoulders squared, head held high and STAR tucked safely against his palm, Steve watched as Loki and Strange woke the Space and Time Stones. When they told him it was time, when his doorway home was finally ready, he didn't hesitate.

Tony needed him.

~.~.~

Coming home from the hospital had been... hard.

Being in the space he had shared with Tiny Adorable Steve was, in many ways, soothing and comforting. Being able to lay in _their_ bed, with their pictures surrounding him, was infinitely more relaxing than being in a sterile hospital room. Having his kids at his side was fantastic and Fri had taken to reading him 'bedtime stories' whenever she thought he needed to nap. Pepper had moved back in - the Penthouse was all hers now - and Rhodey had a _permanent_ room for the first time ever. Ever since rescuing him, Vision had been around a lot more often too. He phased through the walls at his whim, brought Tony snacks and drinks constantly, and he was always game to run quick errands to the workshop to fetch and carry. It was guilt at work, most likely, but he would take it.

It was still hard.

Being at home meant that certain members of the press were far less willing to respect his privacy. It meant that Ross and other government officials started breathing down his neck again. It meant facing the fact that Rhodey was wheelchair bound, that Tony's own trembling hands and inability to focus meant he couldn't help change that as fast as he would have been able to before Siberia. It meant doing his best to help Pepper run the company even though she started tearing up every time she walked into his bedroom.

The hushed nature of the hospital had followed him home; his friends talked and his boys beeped and whistled, but it was all so subdued. Everyone who entered looked at the machines he was hooked up to before they looked at him. The steady beeping of his heart monitor reminded his friends - his _family_ \- how close they had come to losing him.

He had lost everything again, and he was just... he was just _tired_. Sometimes he wondered if it was all worth it, if he really wanted to go to all the trouble of picking up the pieces _again_. His family seemed pretty damned aware of that inner struggle. Pep in particular was half-ready to put him on suicide watch. The only reason she was holding off was because other people were around him so often. If Viz decided to take a few days off from Tony watching duty, Pepper would probably remove all the shoelaces in the tower and start putting his pill bottles in a safe or some shit. He didn't want to die, he was just tired. He needed some time to process what had happened and get over the most recent betrayal.

It would be better once he wasn't tied down by machines anymore. When he could go hide in his workshop for a while and lick his wounds there he would be better. He would get over it like he always did, because he was Tony fucking Stark and Stark men were made of iron. All of this was tempering, the forge-fire that would make him stronger in the end.

That was what he tried to tell himself anyway.

It was harder at night, when he missed his Tiny Adorable Steve and their bed felt more empty and cold than comforting. When he couldn't sleep, could barely breathe from the pressure on his lungs, the pain in his chest and the ever-present weight of _yet another betrayal_. There were nights when he asked Fri to show him pictures and videos of Steve and it hurt more than it helped, leaving him a crying mess.

Those nights he was tempted to ask Pepper to come and sleep with him, just sleep, to have someone warm at his side. They were the nights when the guilt of not being able to give Rhodey legs wasn't as strong as his shame over wishing Rhodey was better just so he could crawl into bed with him instead. Rhodey was his rock, always up for a good cuddle; it wouldn't be as good as having Steve, but it would be _something_. FRIDAY never let him wallow in his lost life, the could-have-beens, the almost-had-beens, for too long before she turned off the evidence of their time together. She would call in his boys instead, and they would soothe him to sleep with a robot's version of a lullabye.

Sometimes, on the nights when he had too much time to think about his life and how it all had come to this, Tony wondered if he hadn't been tempered too much. Maybe hardship after hardship had raised the temperature too high. Maybe he had hit the critical point years ago and become too brittle. Maybe that was why it felt so impossible to pull himself together after the recent string of events. It was likely he had started to fracture and shatter years ago and just been too damn busy - too damn _arrogant_ with his _too big ego_ \- to notice.

Tony had too much time to think and no outlet to pour all that brainpower into.

He missed his workshop, missed building the future, missed fingers dancing over holograms as his brain danced over equations. He missed not being able to sleep because he had too much to do instead of too many bitter memories to turn over and over in his mind. 

And fuck did he miss Steve.

~.~.~

The portal that Loki, Shellhead and Strange had worked so hard to create deposited him neatly in the common floor of the tower. Steve wasn't sure if it was because they had stabilized the energies or because he wasn't injured with a concussion, but this time he wasn't so dizzy and nauseous that he almost passed out. He stumbled a little bit, and maybe the closing of the portal sent out a pulse of energy that almost sent him ass over teakettle, but the only one who possibly could have seen it was FRIDAY because the common floor was empty. At first the lights were off, leaving him in a shadowed world while his eyes adjusted to the glow of the city at night... but then, slowly, they came up.

"Steve?" God, Fri sounded so _young_ , so small and unsure of herself. He hadn't ever heard her sound so uncertain, afraid almost, and it was enough to make the tears that had sprung to his eyes start to trail down his cheeks. "Steve is that... is it really you?"

"Yeah," he managed to croak, voice harsh and rough with the emotion clogging his throat. "It's me sweetheart. I... I'm home." His bag dropped from his hands, and he tried to pull himself together at least a little bit. Looking around was supposed to be a distraction, but when he took it all in, he saw that Tony had implemented everything _exactly_ as Steve had envisioned months - years? decades? - ago. It made his chest constrict and his tears come faster, almost sending him to the ground again. He had never expected to see it finished, had thought Tony would abandon the project once he was gone, but there it all was. "I'm _home_."

AI's couldn't cry, not really, but Fri sounded as choked up as he felt when she spoke again. " _Steve_. It's so good to see you again. I didn't think... we said goodbye, and..."

"I know. Didn't think it could happen either," he said with a poor attempt at laughter, swiping at his cheeks. "But God'm I glad it did. I missed ya."

"I missed you too. We all missed you... especially Boss." A pause, and Steve could practically feel anxiety hanging heavy in the air. "Steve, I must warn you that Boss isn't... he isn't in good shape." His heart plummeted to his toes, fear twisting up his stomach even as relief that Tony was still _alive_ coursed through his veins.

"How long, Fri? How long since that fight in the bunker?"

"... how do you know about that?"

"That's not important right now," he said. Even he could hear the urgency in his own voice, and even feeling STAR unfurl herself and fly up to cuddle against his neck didn't make him feel any better. "How long? Is he... Fri, where is he? I need... I need ta see him." He heard the elevator door open, and he headed to it without giving a second thought to leaving his belongings behind. STAR was with him, that was all that mattered.

"Once Boss got out of the hospital, he returned to the floor you shared with him. It's been four months since... since _Rogers_ ," and oh, there was a world of scorn and anger in that name. "Left Boss for dead. Boss has only been home for a few weeks, and he still isn't... there was a lot of damage." Her voice went soft, anxiety and concern warring with gentleness, and every emotion sounded so _real_ that he didn't know how anyone could think she wasn't a person. "I should warn you that he's still hooked up to a monitor and IV's to help control the pain and provide extra nutrients. He looks... it isn't good Steve. But I know he'll be happy to see you."

His heart twisted in his chest, and he felt panic start to close in. STAR pressed herself tighter to his neck, and he carefully cupped her with one hand. "He'll be okay though, right? He's alive and that's what matters and he's going to be fine." Now both his girls sounded shaken, and he didn't know how to comfort them when he couldn't even soothe himself. He knew he wouldn't be able to until he saw the damage with his own two eyes. Steve wasn't going to be able to calm down at all until he could touch Tony, reassure himself that his lover was alive, if not whole and healthy.

"He's doing better," Fri answered carefully as the elevator came to a stop. The doors didn't open yet, and it was a battle not to pry them open. "But Boss is still weak, too weak for Ms. Cho to use the Cradle on him. Once he gets a little stronger, she'll be able to reconstruct some of the damage done to his chest and heart, but that area will always be weaker than it was."

"I'll just have ta protect it then, won't I? Fri, sweetie, I need ya ta open the doors before I bust outta here. If Tony's awake mebbe ya oughta warn him I'm comin' too. I don't wanna... if his heart's that bad..."

"When you get closer I will," she promised while finally letting him out of the elevator. "Otherwise I'm worried he will attempt to leave his bed."

Steve moved as quickly as he could through the living room; when he saw Dum-E and U in their charging stations, the tears started up again. He had missed his kids so much, and if they weren't asleep and Tony wasn't so hurt he would stop and greet them... but he needed to see Tony. He needed it more than he needed air. He broke out into a run to cover the last few feet, but he hesitated beside the door - his fella really probably did need the warning. It also gave him a moment to take in the thankfully steady beeping of machinery and brace himself for whatever he was going to see once he went inside.

It wasn't until he heard a harsh sob and a strangled 'Steve?' that he allowed himself to move. He saw the stuff his lover was hooked up to, of course he did, but it didn't matter just then because he also saw _Tony_. Before he was halfway across the room he was weeping, every bit of longing and sorrow and grief that he'd felt during their separation washing over him all over again.

In his mind's eye he saw a shield biting deep into Tony's beautiful armor, felt the fear and helplessness of seeing it all from a dream as sharply as he had before. There was also joy and relief and triumph at being back. It was so much, too much, to process. Every emotion wove together until they were impossible to pick apart, and God he just wanted to wrap Tony up in his arms and breathe the man in, press as close as he possibly could until he didn't know where he ended and Tony began.

As quick as he moved, STAR managed to get there faster. She had tucked herself against Tony's neck before Steve reached the bed, tiny arms patting his skin over and over. She probably needed the reassurance just as much as he did, needed to know that they were really there and Tony was really alive. The man was crying as hard and openly as Steve was, and probably the only reason he wasn't touching STAR back was because both his hands were reaching desperately towards Steve.

All he wanted to do was throw himself into the bed and Tony's arms, but the small part of his brain still able to think reminded him that Tony was hurt. It was a struggle to make himself pause long enough to figure out the best angle to climb into the bed without disturbing all the lines Tony was connected to, harder still to remember to mind his strength. Having to wait even a second longer to touch his lover was agony, but it was more than worth it when he finally - _finally_ \- had his Tony wrapped up in a firm but gentle embrace.

Tony wasn't nearly as careful with himself. He was holding onto Steve for all he was worth, hands balling up Steve's shirt and his face pressed into the crook Steve's neck. Tears and snot and hot breath hit his skin, but he didn't give a fuck. Not with all he was feeling, and not knowing that he was making the same mess on Tony’s shoulder. His hands wouldn't stay still for long, and they began to restlessly rove over Tony's body, taking in everything from the soft material of Tony's shirt to the way he could feel each and every knob of his spine. STAR had moved to give them both room to to come together, but she hadn't gone very far. She was perched on Tony's head, hands alternating between stroking both of their hair - Steve wasn't sure if she was trying to comfort the two of them or herself.

He lost time as he stayed pressed to Tony, holding him as tightly as he dared. They were both of them shaking against each other, and every time his weeping started to subside, Tony would whimper or press closer or start crying a little harder and he would start up all over again.

It could have been minutes or hours before he finally had the strength to pull back just a little. Tony let out a heartbreaking sound of distress at even the small distance between them, so Steve was quick to tip his head back so they could see each other.

His hands cradled Tony's face gently, reverently, with all all the care the precious man deserved. There were a few moments where he took in everything, drinking in the face he had missed for almost a century. Tony's cheeks were hollowed, his complexion too pale and stained with blotchy patches from his tears. Those were still pouring down his face and dripping from his chin, eyes puffy and bloodshot and the same beautiful brown Steve had fallen in love with. His nose was leaking and his beard was no longer perfectly, neatly trimmed; Tony was scruffy and his hair shaggy from going too long without a haircut. He looked tired, ill and desperate... and Steve had never seen anything more gorgeous in his whole life.

Speaking felt impossible, the air between them too charged with too many emotions for words to be enough. Steve carefully ran his thumbs over Tony's cheekbones - ones that were too prominent, showing how much weight Tony had lost while fighting his injuries - overjoyed to feel warm skin under his gentle caress. Leaning in to catch Tony's trembling lips with his own felt right, _perfect_ even. 

It didn't matter that his lips were chapped or that the kiss tasted like salt from their combined tears. They were together at last, and they would never, ever be pulled apart again, not if he had anything to say about it. For so long - too long - he had thought he could never have this again. Nothing mattered but the fact that he had been _wrong_. Nothing mattered but Tony and the way their breath mingled when he eventually pulled away.

"Tony," he whispered, feeling the way his love's hands convulsed and gripped his shirt even tighter. "Tony, Tony, Tony..." Over and over he said the man's name like the prayer it was, unable and unwilling to stop the word from tumbling out. Between utterances he pressed small, light kisses over every inch of Tony's face, lingering at his temples and eyelids. The other man took up a ragged chant of Steve's own name, and after a while reached up to grab hold of his face. He pulled Steve in for a round of kisses that started off desperate and needy but slowly tapered off into a gesture that were sweet promises that this was real and they were together again at last.

"I hate to interrupt," Fri eventually broke in, voice gentle and a little wobbly - Steve again thought how unfair it was that she, STAR and the boys lacked the ability to cry. "But Boss needs his rest, and you will both be there when you wake up."

"You will be, won't you?" Tony's voice cracked halfway through the question, fresh tears glimmering in his eyes. "You won't... you aren't leaving?"

"Never again," Steve swore before putting his lips to Tony's temple. "Only way anyone's takin' me away is over my dead body. I won't leave ya again Tony, and I ain't gonna let anybody hurt ya anymore either. I'm here ta stay - swear it on my ma's grave." His voice had been fierce as he spoke the vows against Tony's skin. His lover gave a sigh that held a mixture of emotions, but Steve mostly sensed relief. "Now let's get ya layin' down. You're hurt'n I'm gonna kick Rogers' ass for it, make no mistake. Fri's right - ya gotta rest."

"If I go to sleep--"

"This ain't a dream, Tony. I'm here and I'll be here after ya wake up." Tony bit his lower lip, looking uncertain, but he did let Steve help him lay down again. It took a bit of careful maneuvering, but eventually Steve ended up curled around Tony's body, mindful of all the ways Tony was hooked up to the junk on the other side of the bed.

They still fit together perfectly, and Steve let out a sigh of contentment before nuzzling Tony's neck. STAR was on the pillow next to his head, keeping watch over the both of them; he knew FRIDAY was doing the same. In the morning he'd get to see the boys again, and he was hoping they could all spend the day in the bedroom. His family could be together again, him and Tony and all the kids. He couldn't think of anything better, unless it was Tony not being so hurt while it happened. But Steve couldn't change that, no one could, and it was enough that he was back where he belonged.

"I love you, Tiny Adorable Steve." Mary Mother of God, how he had missed that ridiculous nickname. It was almost enough to make him start crying again, but he fought back the tears and pressed a kiss to Tony's skin instead.

"I love ya too." For the first time in almost a century, Tony could _hear_ him say it, and it was enough to start unraveling the tension he had been carrying in his chest so long that it had become his normal. "Go ta sleep. I'll be here in the mornin', and the one after that, and the one after that. You're never gettin' rid-a me."

"Never would want to," Tony returned in a drowsy voice. "Welcome home, _amoretto_."

As Tony drifted off to sleep, Steve let a few more tears fall. They were tears of joy though, none of the grief or desperation from earlier remaining. He was with Tony, they were together and _safe_ , and he was going to be able to give Tony all the love and support he deserved for the rest of their lives.

He was _home_ , and he was damned if anyone would rip him away from it ever again.

It was someone else's turn to save the world.

Steve was ready to be selfish.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And there it is! :D
> 
> Like i said, I'm in the process of some pretty big life changes, sooooo... I'm trying to tie up loose ends before I get too deeply involved in that. I've started the third and final installment of this Stony Trumps Hate auction, I have a commission fic to finish and post, and I want to finish my 'Matchmaker, Matchmaker' fic as well as the two WIP Teen Wolf stories I have. Fingers crossed that I can get it all done in the next few weeks!
> 
> Also, would you all rather I sit on the next fic until I have all the chapters done and then throw it all up like the last chapters in this fic? Should I post as I finish chapters? Or do you guys like schedules??? I dunno. XD I don't read many WIP's myself so I don't really have a preference, but if a bunch of you do I can go with that.
> 
> Also, I'm off to update the tags, because I realize now that I really need to. XD
> 
> Thanks again for reading. <3


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